143 Hilarious Horse Jokes That Will Have You Rolling in Laughter
Looking for some horse jokes? Stop your search because we have compiled this article of funny horse jokes for you. Horses are fascinating creatures and classic examples of beauty and power.
When it comes to horses, having a good sense of humor comes in handy, but whether your life spend around your equine companions or not, there are some hilarious horse jokes that we can all appreciate.
Having a horse is a big responsibility. That isn’t to say that we equine enthusiasts don’t enjoy a good laugh now and then. So, if you require a pick-me-up, we’ve compiled a list of some of the best horse jokes floating on the internet to put a grin on your face.
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Table of Contents
Best Horse Jokes
Everyone loves horses and its ride. You’ll enjoy these top-notch horse jokes if you’re an equestrian! Prepare to laugh out loud like it’s a competition when you hear these best horse jokes.
Where do horses go when they’re sick?
The horsepital.
A talking horse walks into a bar and approaches the manager. “Excuse me, good sir,” the horse says, “are you hiring?”
The manager looks the horse up and down and says, “Sorry, pal. Why don’t you try the circus?”
The horse nickers. “Why would the circus need a bartender?”
Which side of a horse has more hair?
The outside.
I put a bet on a horse that had excellent breeding. After the horse left the starting gate, he stopped and closed it behind him.
You’re riding a horse full speed, there’s a giraffe right beside you, and a lion nipping at your heels. What do you do?
Get off the carousel and sober up.
What did the mother horse say to the foal who stayed up too late?
“It’s pasture bedtime!”
How much money does a bronco have?
A buck.
Have you heard the one about the runaway horse?
It’s a terrible tale of WHOA!
Why don’t horses like being promoted?
They hate being saddled with extra responsibility.
When does a horse get depressed by the weather?
When it reins.
What kind of bread does a horse eat?
Thoroughbred.
What do you use to make a horse change gear?
A canter-lever.
What is a horse’s favorite sport?
Stable tennis.
What kind of horse travels all around the world?
A globe trotter.
When do horses always stand to attention?
Whenever you play the Grand National Anthem.
What’s the hardest thing about learning to horseback ride?
The ground.
How do you get a jockey to wait a moment?
Tell him to hold his horses!
Funny Horse Jokes
If you’re a horse nut like us, you love talking about horses all the time. Some of your non-horsey friends may become bored hearing about your latest tack buy, so tell them a funny joke, preferably a horse joke! These funny horse jokes are sure to make you and your pals laugh out loud!
A horse walks into a bar. The barman confuses idioms with jokes and offers him a glass of water, but can’t make him drink.
What did the horse say when it fell?
“I’ve fallen and I can’t giddyup!”
Which type of cheese do horses like best?
Masc-a-pony
What do you give a horse with a sore throat?
Cough stirrup.
Why was the horse feeling so stressed?
It was saddled with responsibility!
How can you tell a police horse from a normal horse? The police horse goes “Neigh-naw-neigh-naw-neigh-naw”.
Why do most horses look so fit?
Because they’re on a stable diet.
What do you call a horse that’s not wearing a saddle?
Neigh-ked!
What street do horses like to live on?
Main Street.
Why couldn’t the pony sing?
Because he was a little hoarse.
Which opinion poll do horses put most faith in?
Gallup.
How does a horse from Kentucky greet another horse? With Southern Horspitality.
Why are young horses often in trouble?
They can’t stop foaling around.
What disease are horses most scared of getting?
Hay fever.
What do you call a truly international horse?
A globe-trotter.
Where do horses go if they need to have an operation?
The horse-pital.
100 years ago everyone owned horses
And only the rich owned cars
Now everyone has a car,and only the rich own horses
The stables have turned
That horse is so spontaneous.
It always does things in the spur of the moment!
Hilarious Horse Jokes
We’re not trying to cause a disturbance, but we believe these are the best horse jokes available. If you don’t believe it, you won’t until you’ve run them pasture eyeballs. That’s because there aren’t any jokes about nightmares here. There won’t be a single tail of whoa; simply the most hilarious horse jokes.
A pony went to the doctor complaining about having a sore throat. The doctor said: “It’s OK, you’re just a little horse.”
A jockey is walking down the road leading a racehorse when he bumps into a friend. “What are you planning to do with that nag?” the man asks. “Race it,” replies the jockey, surprised. “Well, by the look of it,” the man says, “You’ll win!”
Have you ever heard of the band Foals?
They have a colt following.
How did the horse with the speech impediment feel after corrective surgery went wrong?
A bit filly.
What do you call an Amish guy with his hand in a horse’s mouth?
A mechanic.
What does it mean if you find a horseshoe?
Some poor horse is walking around in his socks.
I recently bought a female Horse that I was hoping to ride daily, but she only sleeps during the day.
She’s turning out to be such a Nightmare.
I put a bet on a horse to come in at 10 to 1 – and it did! Unfortunately all the others came in at 12.30.
Why couldn’t the horse dance?
Because he had two left feet.
Who do ponies call when they’re possessed by demons?
An ex-horse-ist!
Name a horse’s favourite Baywatch actor?
David Hasselhoof.
A horse sits down in a movie theater and the woman next to him asks, “Excuse me… are you a horse?”
“Why yes, I am,” replies the horse.
“What are you doing at this movie?”
The horse says, “I really liked the book.”
The devout cowboy lost his favorite Bible while he was mending fences out on the range. Three weeks later, a horse walked up to him carrying the Bible in its mouth. The cowboy couldn’t believe his eyes. He took the precious book out of the horse’s mouth, raised his eyes heavenward and exclaimed, “It’s a miracle!” “Not really,” said the horse. “Your name is written inside the cover.”
What do you use to tie a horse’s ankles together?
Fetlocks!
What does it mean when you find a horseshoe on the ground?
Some poor horse is walking around in socks.
What did one horse say to the other horse?
The pace is familiar but I can’t remember the mane.
Did you see how good that new blacksmith was at fitting horseshoes?
He absolutely nailed it!
What’s the difference between horses and zebras?
Zebras are just horses that have escaped from prison.
Favourite Def Leppard song?
Pour Some Shergar On Me.
How do you turn a dinosaur into a horse?
Use an internal combustion engine.
Why did the farmer give his pony a cough drop?
Its throat was a little hoarse.
Knock Knock Horse Jokes
These horse knock knock jokes will make you laugh out loud, and if you’re feeling particularly horsey, share some of these amusing horse jokes with your pals to burst out laughter in the room.
Knock Knock.
Who’s there?
Quiet horse.
Quiet horse, who?
(In a whisper), “your neigh-bour…”
Knock Knock.
Who’s there?
Charlie.
Charlie who?
Charlie horse!
Knock Knock.
Who’s there?
Horsp.
Horsp who?
Did you just say “horse poo?”
Knock knock!
Who’s there?
Toledo.
Toledo who?
Toledo horse to water is easy. To make him drink is not.
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Loud horse.
Loud horse, who?
A loud horse that wants to annoy you!
Horse Jokes One Liners
If you want to make your day and lift your mood, look no further. Here we’ve compiled a list of some of our favorite horse jokes one liners. They’ll undoubtedly cause some amusement.
A horse walks into a bar. The barman asks: “Why the long face?”
How do you spell ‘Hungry Horse’ in four letters?
MTGG.
Let’s drink Mint Juleps and horse around.
A horse walks into a bar. “Hey,” says the barman. “Yes please,” says the horse.
Hey, a one horse open sleigh isn’t the only fun thing to ride.
If you are a horse, you will always be my first pick.
I call my son Seabiscuit because all he does is horse around.
Those things they put in horses’ mouths – do they hurt?
A bit.
Horses can run smoothly on a frozen racecourse… But not furlong.
How do horses cast their vote?
By saying yay or neigh!
You’ll never find a horse using an Android phone.
They only like Apple’s.
What do you say to a horse after it loses a bet?
Pony up!
Where do horses love to shop?
Old Neigh-vy.
Short Horse Jokes
You’ll be whinnying and neighing while clutching your sides as you read these short horse jokes. Because these jokes are true barnburners, this piece is guaranteed to become a mane-stay in your library of comic bookmarks. Take a look for yourself if you don’t trust us.
What do you call a horse that can’t lose a race?
Sherbet.
What’s black and white and eats like a horse?
A zebra.
Why should you never be rude to a jump jockey?
In case he takes offence.
What makes a horse sneeze?
Hay fever.
Rein it in with the gossip!
You’ll stirrup trouble.
What sort of horses come out after dark?
Nightmares
Why did the man stand behind the horse?
He was hoping to get a kick out of it.
Horse’s favourite vintage TV chef?
Fanny Paddock.
Look at that horse’s new boyfriend.
He’s such a stud!
What do you call a horse that lives next door to you?
A neigh-bor.
Horse’s favourite pop duo?
Stall and Oats!
Where do horses get their hair done?
At the hair saloon.
What’s a horse’s favourite TV show?
Neighbours of course.
I named my horse Mayo.
Sometimes, Mayo-neighs.
Dirty Horse Jokes
Humorous horses and their funny stories are the focus of these dirty horse jokes! Every time you hear one of these jokes, you’ll be spinning around like a wild horse!
One day, a boy and his best friend were telling jokes to one another. They were having fun. These boys were some of the nicest kids and would never say a dirty joke. One of the boys says “Hey you want to hear this dirty joke. I heard it from my brother” The other boy was curious so he agreed and said yes. “Ok then. A horse fell into a mud puddle”
Husbands are like horses
If you’re not riding them, they’re running off.
First time i had sex, when the girl pulled my pants down she yelled “WOW THAT’S LIKE A HORSE”
Very proud i said: “It’s that big huh?”
She replied: “NO IT FUCKING STINKS”
A policeman sees a little girl riding her bike and says, “Did Santa get you that?”
“Yes,” replies the little girl.
“Well,” says the policeman, “tell Santa to put a reflector light on it next year,” and fines her $5.
The girl looks up at the policeman and says, “Nice horse you’ve got there, did Santa bring you that?” The policeman chuckles and replies, “He sure did!”
“Well,” says the little girl, “next year, tell Santa the ass goes on the back of the horse and not on top of it.”
So a cowboy parks his horse at the saloon, ties him to the outside, kisses him on the ass, and walks in to have a stiff drink.
The bar keeper saw this happen, and he just had to ask. “Why’d ya kiss your horse on the ass before coming in? You got shit all over your lips!” The cowboy, cool as can be, takes a stiff drink before answering. “It’s ‘cuz I got chapped lips.” The bartender was even more confused; “Horse manure helps with chapped lips?”
“Nah,” says the cowboy. “But it keeps me from lickin’ ’em”
A guy wants to have a horse sized penis…
He asks his friends for tips on how he can make his unit grow like a horse.
One of his friends says; tie a weight to it and you will see that it will start to grow.
So off he goes. A week later his friend asks him; so how is it going?
He says; well, no growth yet but the color is already there!
I went for a job interview as a blacksmith yesterday. He said, “Have you ever shoed a horse?”
I said, “No, but I’ve told a donkey to piss off once.
Fine, I’ll get of my high horse!
But you really should STOP giving the horses edibles, you know?
Horse Jokes for Adults
If animal puns make you laugh, scroll down this list of amazing horse jokes for adults. These jokes aren’t just for fun; they’re well worth the price of admission. Take a seat, unwind, and enjoy the internet’s top horse puns.
Why is Dick Whittington a horse’s favourite panto?
Because he was mare of London.
Why did the horses always miss the support acts at gigs?
They are only interested in the mane attraction.
Is Nelson Mandela popular amongst horses?
Not as much as his wife, Winnie.
Why do horses queue up so badly?
They’re always jockeying for position.
Did you hear the joke about the horse that was hobbled?
It’s a bit lame.
Which seats do horses book at the theatre?
Anywhere in the stalls.
How do hip young horses casually greet each other?
“Hay”.
What boxing technique does a horse prefer?
The pommel.
Did you hear about the horse that doubted everything?
He was a neighsayer.
What did the Italian horse say when he heard there was a speed between trot and gallop?
I canter believe it!
What do horses see right before it thunders?
Lightning colts!
A horse walks into a bar.
“Hey,” says the bartender.
The horse neighs excitedly and says, “My friend, you read my mind!”
You’re being chased by a Lion, you’re on a horse to the left of you is a Giraffe and on the right a unicorn what do you do?
You stop drinking and get off the Carousel.
Why did the horse run away in the middle of its wedding?
It got colt feet!
Horse Jokes for Kids
You’ve come to the right spot if you want to be the one who tells the greatest horse jokes! We’ve compiled a list of the funniest horse jokes for kids for you to have fun with your son or daughter.
Why did the horse get an award?
It was out standing in its field.
How was the horse after the accident?
In a stable condition.
What do you call a horse that’s a world traveler?
A globe-trotter!
Why did the foal go to the doctors?
He was a little hoarse.
What animal can you always rely on?
Horses, cause their always stabled!
What kind of vacuum cleaner do horses prefer?
A Hoofer.
What’s the quickest way to send a horse mail?
Using the Pony Express.
A man rode his horse to town on Friday. The next day he rode back on Friday. How is this possible?
The horse’s name was Friday.
Horses are so negative.
All they do is neigh.
Where do horses stay after they get married?
The bridle suite.
This one horse always has a bad attitude.
She keeps saying, “Neigh.”
How do you get a wild horse to accept a halter?
You turn the stables on him.
Why did the little pony wake up scared?
It had a night-mare!
Why was the horse naked?
Because the jockey fell off.
If I ever get a horse, I’m naming him Jesus.
Then I can say to people “I lead him to water, but couldn’t make Him walk on it”.
What song makes a horse want to get up and dance?
Watch me whip…watch me neigh, neigh!
Horse Jokes about Racing
Horse racing is a centuries-old practice in most countries, with its own distinct world. It’s also a sport where brilliant jokes are formed, and we’ve compiled a list of the finest horse racing jokes for your enjoyment!
How do you make a small fortune on horse racing?
Start with a large fortune.
What kind of food do race horses like to eat?
Fast food.
What’s similar between a racehorse and a leaky faucet?
They’re both off and running.
There’s only one time vampires like watching a horse race.
When it’s neck and neck.
A racehorse once smoked some weed just before the race was about to start.
Once it started, the jockey couldn’t control it as it veered off track. So the crowd started calling him arrogant as he couldn’t get off his high horse.
What do you call a racehorse who’s too old to race?
Fast paste.
A man has a racehorse who never won a race.
Man in disgust says,” Horse, you win today or you pull a milk wagon tomorrow morning.”
The starting gate opens, the horses take-off, they move the gate away and there lays his horse asleep on the track.
He kicks the horse and asks, “WHY ARE YOU SLEEPING”
The horse, half asleep says, “I have to get up at three in the morning.”
Did you hear what happened at the racetrack yesterday?
One horse was so slow, they had to pay the jockey overtime.
Why is it hard so hard to carry on a conversation with racehorses?
They don’t stand around furlong!
Two greyhound are sitting in a stable
They are both boasting to each other about their racing victories. The first dog says “I’ve won six of my last ten races”. The second dog replies with “That’s nothing, I’ve won fourteen of my last twenty races”. At this point, a fed up racehorse pokes his head round the corner and says “You’re both pathetic, I’ve won ninety-nine of my last hundred races, and only lost one because I was ill. The dogs look at each other, amazed.
“Bloody hell, did you see that? A talking horse!”
What do you call it when a racehorse has diarrhea?
The trots!
Do you know why horse stalls at the racetrack are labelled A, B, D, E, and F?
Because no one wants to bet on a seahorse.
My wife and kids are leaving me because they say I’m obsessed with Horse Racing.
I’m looking out the window at them now……….. and they’re off…..
I bought a racehorse today
I called him My Face. I don’t care if he doesn’t win, I just want to hear a load of posh twats shouting, “Come on My Face.”
Three racehorses were standing around their paddock
The first one says, “I’ve won 15 of my last 26 races.”
The second one says, “I’ve won 20 of my last 30 races.”
The third one says, “I’ve won 25 of my last 40 races.”
A greyhound happens to be walking by. He stops and says, “I don’t mean to brag, but I’ve won 68 of my last 70 races.”
The horses all look at each other.
“Holy shit,” says the first one, “a talking dog!”
One-One’ was a racehorse.
‘One-two’ was one too. One-one won one race, and One-two won one too.
Final Thoughts on Horse Jokes
We hope so that reading this article of horse jokes was fun for you. You can’t go wrong with a horse joke for animal lovers. Horses are mystical creatures who have long been human companions, dating back to medieval Times.
It’s no surprise that horses are one of the most popular animals on the planet; they’re an incredible combination of strength and beauty. Those long faces and massive teeth, on the other hand, can provide some horse jokes for pretty good belly laughs.
Being an equestrian may be quite amusing at times. There are so many amusing things that may occur in a barn, especially when horses are present! One approach to add more fun to the barn is to tell funny horse jokes.
When you spend all of your time, energy, and money on horses, you need a good sense of humor. That is something that normal people do not do. Fortunately, one of the best things we can do is laugh at all of the amusing horse racing jokes that occur along the way.
