160 Hilarious Wife Jokes to Spark Joy in Your Marriage
If you’re seeking for wife jokes, you’ll find lots of them here. Relationships are difficult. Marriage? Even more difficult. Anyone who claims marriage is simple is delusory. Don’t get us wrong: matrimony has advantages.
Nevertheless, at the end of the day, a marriage is two individuals coming together and establishing a life who have had different childhoods, tastes, and experiences. It’s a reasonable compromise.
It’s also a lot of fun to insert some comedy into your daily routine in the form of wife jokes. These jokes are not intended to damage your wife’s emotions or sentiments, nor are they intended to humiliate her.
We also oppose gender stereotyping. Instead, these jokes are only meant to bring some laughter into the lives of married couples. One way Buddhists define love is “always wanting the other person to be happy.”
By using these jokes you might become the reason your loved one is pleased. And what better way to be joyful than to laugh together at some old-fashioned husband wife jokes?
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Table of Contents
Best Wife Jokes
With these hilarious jokes about wives, you can live on the lighter side of marriage. Marriage may be difficult. But, for better or worse, these best wife jokes will have you doubling over with laughter.
My husband and I have agreed to never go to bed angry with each other.
So far, we’ve been up for three days.
What is the most effective way to remember your wife’s birthday?
Forget it once.
What’s the difference between a battery and my wife?
The battery has a positive side.
When my wife and I argue, I always get the last word.
They’re usually, “I’m sorry. You’re right.”
A husband asks his wife, “Will you marry after I die?”
The wife responds, “No, I will live with my sister.”
The wife asks him back, “Will you marry after I die?”
The husband responds, “No, I will also live with your sister.”
How do I disable the autocorrect function on my wife?
You don’t.
I play the world’s most dangerous sport.
I disagree with my wife.
I asked my wife which she liked better, my face or my body?
She said, “Your sense of humor.”
My wife prefers to take the stairs, but I always take the elevator.
I guess we were just raised differently.
Arguing with your partner is like trying to read the “Terms of Use” on the internet.
Eventually, you just give up and say, “I Agree.”
She: “Honey, I don’t like you with the new glasses on.”
He: “But sweetheart, I don’t wear any glasses.”
She: “True, but I do.”
When you are single, you see happy couples everywhere.
But when you are married, you see happy singles everywhere.
My wife keeps telling everyone that she can read their minds, but she never can. She’s telepathetic.
Every man wants a beautiful wife, a smart wife, a loving wife, a sexy wife, and a cooperative wife. Sadly, bigamy is against the law.
My wife said she needed more space.
I said, “No problem” and locked her out of the house.
Funny Wife Jokes
Wives are a popular target for jokes. Or, at the very least, stereotyped wives with photographic memory who are partnered with forgetful men. Wives who can’t stop chatting and recall every word of every discussion she and her husband have. Here are some funny wife jokes about them.
“I love you,” she said.
“Is that you talking,” I asked, “Or the wine?”
“It’s me talking to the wine.”
Doctor: “Your wife’s in hospital.”
Me: “How is she?”
Doctor: “I’m afraid she’s critical.”
Me: “Ah, you get used to that…”
Why do wives use twice as many words as their husbands?
Because they always have to repeat themselves.
A man inserted an ‘ad’ in the classifieds: “Wife wanted”.
Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: “You can have mine.”
My boyfriend and I met on the internet and my mother asked him what line he used to get me.
He said, “I just used a modem.”
Two men were talking about their wives
The first man says “My wife is an angel.”
The second man says “You’re lucky, mine’s still alive.”
My wife said if I don’t get of the computer she’s gonna slam my head in to the keyboard
but I think I’ll ajlkfsdhnvkwr;anhf
How can you tell if a woman is divorced?
She’s bungee jumping for joy.
The other day, my wife asked me to pass her lipstick but I accidentally passed her a glue stick.
She still isn’t talking to me.
What do you get when you play a country song backwards?
You get your wife, your house, and your kids back.
What does the word ‘gay’ mean?” asked a son his father.
“It means ‘happy’,” replied the father.
“Oh,” contested the son, “so you are gay then?”
“No, son, I have a wife.”
My wife left me for an Indian guy.
I know he’s going to treat her well, I heard they worship cows.
Man: I haven’t spoken to my wife in 18 months.
Friend: Why not?
Man: I don’t like to interrupt her.
My wife wanted a present that could go from Zero to 80 very quickly.
So I got her a new set of bathroom scales.
At the restaurant, the waitress starts flirting with me. “She must have COVID,” my wife said.
“Why?” I asked.
“Cuz she clearly has no taste.” She responded.
Hilarious Wife Jokes
Hilarious wife jokes should be taken with a grain of salt, and if the joke is on you, keep your head up and enjoy the ride. Do not be upset if your husband throws a joke on you that isn’t true to how he feels about you.
My wife and I have decided we don’t want kids.
If you’re interested, please contact us immediately to arrange dropping them off.
What did the cannibal’s wife do when her husband came home an hour late for dinner?
To put it bluntly, she gave him the cold shoulder.
The cops still haven’t found my wife’s killer.
Lucky for me, I already fled the country.
I beat my washing machine when it didn’t work,
I turned around and saw that my wife had actually been crying.
Wife: Don’t argue with me!
I’m so thoughtful and can think of everything. Anything you throw on me, chances are I would’ve seen it coming.
A guy walks into a bar with a revolver and yells, “WHO THE F*** F***ED MY WIFE!”
A man in the back responds, “YOU AINT GOT ENOUGH BULLETS MATE!”
I was digging in our garden when I found a chest full of gold coins. I was about to run straight home to tell my wife about it,
but then I remembered why I was digging in our garden.
My partner told me I was rude for yawning when we were arguing.
I told them I wasn’t yawning, I thought it was my turn to speak.
Why has Stephen hawking’s stopped playing hide and seek with his wife?
Because she keeps using a metal detector
Since it started raining, all my wife has done is look sadly through the stupid window…
If it gets any worse, I’ll have to let her in.
What’s the difference between a relationship and a video game?
They both start off fun and easy, then get a litter harder. If you make it to the end without breaking, everyone is shocked.
What do a wife and a grenade have in common?
They both leave you hurt when you pull off the ring.
What is the difference between a potted plant and your wife?
The answer would be the first one decomposes quicker.
A man approaches a very beautiful woman in the supermarket and says, “You know, I’ve lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?”
“Why?” asked the beautiful woman.
To which the man replied, “Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman my wife appears out of nowhere.”
If a man opens the car door for his wife,
you can be sure of one thing: either the car or the woman is new.
Short Wife Jokes
Short wife jokes may sometimes make the world go round and have everyone on the floor laughing like mad! Here are a few short jokes for you to enjoy.
I walked into the kitchen and saw my wife chopping up onions which made me cry.
Onions was a good dog.
I just asked my wife what she’s “burning up for dinner,” and it turned out to be all of my personal belongings.
Why did the Mexican push his wife off a cliff?
Tequila.
My doctor told me I needed to break a sweat once a day, so I told him I’d start lying to my wife.
There was a cannibal who had a wife and (eight) kids.
Today was a terrible day. My wife got hit by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver
It’s only ok to beat up an dwarf when they walk up to your wife and say your hair smells nice
My wife thinks I’m immature, so I told her to get out of my fort.
You know you’re getting old when your wife says, “Honey, lets run upstairs and make love,”
and you answer, “I can’t do both.”
My wife gives me sound advice: 99% sound and 1% advice.
I saw my wife at the dam yesterday. Drat. I was hoping she might float a bit more downstream.
Hey what is the difference between a painting and a wife?
Only the wife was hung up
Never laugh at your wife’s choices. You are one of them.
Wife starts with a “W”
Because all questions start with a “W”
Who?
Why?
What?
When?
Which?
Whom?
Where?
I asked my wife if she ever fantasizes about me.
She said yes. She fantasizes about me taking out the trash, mowing the lawn, and doing the dishes.
My ex-wife was deaf. She left me for a deaf friend of hers.
To be honest, I should have seen the signs.
how do you know when your wife is cheating on you?
she comes home with sparkles on her face
If at first, you don’t succeed, try doing it the way your wife told you.
Wife Jokes One Liners
Welcome to the best collection of wife one liners that will have you laughing for days! If you tell any of these jokes to your wife, she will burst out laughing.
Every morning I like to remind my wife who’s in charge by holding a mirror up to her face.
I like to watch my wedding video running backwards so I can watch myself walk out of the church a free man.
The best way to get your husband to do something is to suggest he’s too old to do it.
I thought my vasectomy would keep my wife from getting pregnant, but apparently it just changes the color of the baby.
Marrying someone for their good looks is like buying a house for the paint color.
At every party, there are two kinds of people: those who want to go home, and those who don’t. The trouble is they’re usually married to each other.
My ex-wife still misses me. But her aim is steadily improving.
An American woman married a British man. On their honeymoon, the British husband said, ¨You look like a million pounds! ¨ The wife divorced him.
My son asked me what it’s like to be married. So, I told him to leave me alone and, when he did, I asked him why he was ignoring me.
My wife and I always compromise. I admit I’m wrong, and she agrees with me.
My wife told me to be more in touch with my feminine side so i crashed the car.
I comforted my friend about his wife’s death: until I found out who did it.
I brought my girlfriend home and introduced her to my family. My kids liked her, but my wife seemed upset
My wife told me I was immature. I just told her to get out of my pillow fort.
A wife is like a grenade. Pull the ring and the house is gone.
My fifth wife asked me to help her dig in the garden. Here we go again
After my wife died, I couldn’t even look at another woman for 10 years. But now that I’m out of jail, I can honestly say it was worth it!
My girlfriend accused me of cheating. I told her she was starting to sound like my wife.
When your spouse gets a little upset, just remember a simple “calm down” in a soothing voice is all it takes to get them a lot more upset.
A friend of mine just got divorced. He and his ex-wife split the house. He got the outside.
Husband Wife Jokes
For wives, who want to get back at their husband we have assembled a beautiful and hilarious collection of husband wife funny jokes. Make use of these wife and husband jokes and have fun.
Wife: Let’s go out and have fun tonight!
Husband: Okay but, if you get back before me, leave the light on.
Wife: “I look fat. Can you give me a compliment?”
Husband: “You have perfect eyesight.”
Wife: “Our neighbor always kisses his wife when he leaves for work, but you don’t. Why don’t you do that?”
Husband: “How could I do that? I barely know her.”
Wife: Honey I’m pregnant
Husband: Hi Pregnant I’m dad
Wife: No, you’re not
Husband: I bet you can’t say something that will make me both happy and sad at the same time
Wife: You have the biggest penis out of all your friends
A drunk man walked out of a bar and kept falling flat on his face. He wondered why this was until his wife spoke to him:
Wife: why is your face all bloody?
Husband: I was so drunk that I couldn’t stand up so I kept falling on my face!
Wife: idiot. You left your wheelchair at the bar!
My husband and I were looking at the marriage certificate for thirty minutes when it hit me.
Then I found out he’s been looking for an expiry date.
A programmer and his wife.
She says, “We’re out of bread. Please go the grocery store and buy one. And if they’ve got eggs, get six.”
After a while, he’s back with six loaves of bread.
The wife asks, “Why did you buy 6 loaves of bread?”
He replies, “They had eggs.”
My partner and I took out life insurance policies on each other.
So, now it’s just a waiting game.
Husband to Wife… Start your day off by learning to embrace mistakes.
She rushed to hug him.
Doctor: Madam, your husband needs rest and peace so here are some Sleeping Pills.
Wife: Doctor, when should I give them to him?
Doctor: They are for you!!!
Wife: Do you want dinner?
Husband: Sure, what are my choices?
Wife: Yes and no.
Husband texting a wife:
“Hi! What are you doing, Darling?”
Wife: I’m dying…!
The husband jumps with joy but types, “Sweet Heart, how can I live without U?”
Wife: “U idiot! I’m dying my hair.”
Husband: “Bloody English!”
Waiter: “How would you like your steak, Sir?”
Husband: “Like winning an argument with my wife.”
Waiter: “Rare it is!”
Wife: “If I’d known you were so broke, I never would have married you.”
Husband: “Don’t pretend that I didn’t warn you! How many times did I tell you that you’re all I have?”
Husband: I need to get away from you. I need space!
Wife: Why not join NASA?
Wife: Had your Lunch??
Husband: Had your Lunch??
Wife: I am asking you??
Husband: I am asking you??
Wife: You copying me??
Husband: You copying me??
Wife: Let’s go Shopping.
Husband: I had my Lunch.
My wife sent me a text that said, “Your great,” so I wrote back, “No, you’re great!” She’s been walking around all polite and smiling.
Should I tell her I was just correcting her grammar or leave?
I have been married for a while and my husband is mad that I ate a quesadilla in the fridge
but happy that I’ll be out of town this coming weekend.
Dirty Wife Jokes
Are you in a long-term marriage and extremely comfortable with your partner and your routine? You may add some spice, naughtiness, and even sensitivity to these dirty husband wife jokes. Do share these dirty wife jokes with your wife.
What is the first thing a man puts in a woman when they get married?
The wedding rings.
A wife asked her husband why he cheated on her.
His reply was “she was just lying there naked on the table, what was I supposed to do?”
The wife reply’s “perform the fucking autopsy!”
How do you know if your husband is dead?
The sex is the same, but you get to use the remote.
The doctor says “your wife is PREGNANT”
the man says that he used a condom
and the doctor says “ya but I didn’t”
I saw my wife putting on her sexy underwear this morning. This can only mean one thing.
It’s laundry day.
When my wife had to rush to the hospital unexpectedly, she asked me to bring her a few items from home. One item on the list was “comfortable underwear.” Worried I’d make the wrong choice, I asked, “How will I know which ones to pick?”
“Hold them up and imagine them on me,” she said. “If you smile, put them back.”
I said to my pregnant wife push darling, come on push harder dear,
no, she wasn’t giving birth the bloody car would not start.
A man comes home and finds his wife in bed with another guy
“What’s going on here!?” He exclaims.
The wife replies “See, I told you he was stupid.”
20 years of sex in the dark the wife find out he was using a dildo
the wife gets angry and says “explain the dildo prick” the husband says “explain the children bitch”
New Wife Jokes
If you two have a shared sense of humor then you are very lucky because it is one of the cornerstones to a healthy marriage, so test your new wife’s by telling her these humorous new wife jokes!
After ten years of marriage, my wife apologized for the first time in front of me today.
She said she was sorry she married me.
My wife went to Niagara Falls and fell; she broke every bone in her body.
1 year later she recovered. She slipped on an orange peel and died.
When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive.
So, I took her to a gas station.
What’d the fox say when he was asked to describe his wife?
“Hottie hottie hottie hoe!”
My wife said, “I can think of 14 reasons to leave you, plus your obsession with Tennis!”
I replied, “That’s 15 love!”
Doctor: you’ll be at peace soon, sir.
Me: what am I dying?
Doctor: no, your wife is.
Before I tell my wife something important, I take both her hands in mine.
That way, she can’t hit me with them.
Me: a lot of things changed since I got my wife pregnant.
Friend: like what?
Me: my name, my address, my phone number…
Whenever my wife packs me a salad for lunch,
all I want to know is what I did wrong.
What’s the difference between a paycheck and your penis?
You don’t have to beg your wife to blow up the paycheck…
Wife Jokes about Marriage
Marriage is not a joke, but it might feel that way at times… Okay, let me repeat that: there are a plethora of amusing marriage jokes that involve both the husband and wife. Here are some of those husband wife romantic jokes for you to enjoy.
I can remember when I got married and I can remember where I got married.
For the life of me, I can’t remember why I got married.
Being married is like having a best friend who doesn’t remember anything you say.
Marriage Tip: Your wife won’t start an argument with you when you’re cleaning, just as you wouldn’t when she is cooking your favorite meal.
Marriage is the process of finding out what kind of man your wife would have preferred.
If you want to change the world, do it while you’re single.
Once you’re married, you can’t even change the television channel.
85% of married life consists of yelling “what?” from the other side of the house.
It doesn’t matter how often a married man changes his job; he still ends up with the same boss.
I was emotional when I caught my husband looking at our marriage certificate. Then I found out he was looking for an expiration date.
Marriage is when a man and woman become one.
The trouble starts when they try to decide which one.
Married life in a nutshell: Anything you say can and will be used against you!
Marriages are made in heaven. But so are thunder and lightning.
On the first day of our marriage retreat, the instructor talked about the importance of knowing what matters to each other.
“For example,” he began, pointing to my husband, David, “do you know your wife’s favorite flower?”
David answered, “Pillsbury All Purpose.”
Any married man should forget his mistakes, there’s no use in two people remembering the same thing.
Grooms, once you get married remember that when you have a discussion with your future wife, always remember to get the last two words in: “Yes dear”.
Once you’re married, people stop asking about your sex life.
They know you don’t have one.
Marriage is full of surprises, but it’s mostly just asking each other,
“Do you have to do that right now?”
Ah, marriage. I was standing in front of the bathroom mirror one evening admiring my reflection,
when I posed this question to my wife of 30 years: “Will you still love me when I’m old, fat, and balding?” She answered, “I do.”
Wife Jokes in English
Whether it’s a clean joke, a dirty joke, or a short joke, the Lord understands that every excellent joke is worth every lost breath and stomach discomfort caused by laughter. So here are some husband wife jokes in English for you.
Why does Dr. Pepper come in a bottle?
Because his wife died.
My wife is so sweet. Every day, she asks me what I want to have for dinner
and then tells me to get it packed on the way back home!
Billy: spits out food
Mom: BILLY! We swallow what we have in our mouths.
Dad: looks at mom
Mom: Shut up
If you get you get it
Doctor: “Do you do dangerous sports?”
Patient: Well, sometimes I talk back to my wife.
I took my wife to a restaurant.
The waiter, for some reason, took my order first. I ordered strip steak, medium-rare.
He said, “Aren’t you worried about the mad cow?”
“Nah, she can order for herself” I said.
And that’s when the fight started.
Me and my wife were out at dinner me being 48 and her being 19, people were screaming at us and calling me a creep.
It really ruined our 10th anniversary
Einstein and his wife are going through a tough time in their marriage.
Einstein: “Tell me what you need. I’m here to help.”
Wife: “I just need two things right now: some space and time.”
Einstein: “Ok, so what’s the second thing?”
I’ve just had a really big row with my wife about going on holiday.
I wanted to go to Paris; she wanted to come with me.
Me: Are you okay?
Dentist: I’m just a bit surprised. When I said to you “spit it out” I wasn’t expecting you to say you’ve been shagging my wife.
Men vacuum in the same way that they have sex.
They just put it in and make some noise for 3 minutes before they collapse on the couch and think that their wife should be really happy.
Husband and wife are sleeping.
The wife suddenly shouts, “Quick; my husband is back!”
Husband gets up at lightning speed and jumps out of the window.
Wife: “You know what? I refuse to talk about this anymore!”
Wife ten seconds later: “And you know what else?”
A man in conversation with his friend. “My wife is on a three-week diet.
The friend curiously asks, “How much has she lost? The man replies, “Her life.”
My wife told me that I twist everything she says to my advantage.
I take that as a compliment.
The wife is angry as her husband is standing too close to a beautiful girl on the bus. A few seconds later, the girl slaps him for pinching.
Husband to wife: “I swear I didn’t do it.”
Wife: “I know. I did it.”
Final Thoughts on Wife Jokes
It takes a lot of effort to make a marriage successful and being making your significant other happy is one of the most crucial aspect of achieving that. This list of wife jokes might help you spice up your marriage by adding some fun and spice to it.
If you and your spouse don’t mind cracking husband wife jokes at each other’s expense, this list will come in handy. Marriage is one of the nicest things that can happen to someone.
It might also be the most amusing. It’s all about the ups and downs, the joyful and sad! For a marriage to last, there must be laughing. This is why these funny wife jokes are beneficial to you.
And, while these lighthearted quips and funny wife jokes may make fun of your marital status, they’re merely meant to be amusing—while also making light of how difficult married life may be at times.
