161 Hilarious Turtle Jokes That Bring Enormous Fun and Laughter
Take an exciting journey into the hilarious world of turtles, where humor is waiting around every corner.
According to the great American humorist Mark Twain, “Against the assault of laughter, nothing can stand”.
We present to you an extraordinary selection of turtle jokes with this sentiment in mind.
We have compiled a library of jokes about turtles that are certain to make people laugh a lot through extensive research done at prestigious institutions like the Institute of Joviality.
As we explore the lighter side of turtles, be mesmerized by their charm!
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Table of Contents
Best Turtle Jokes
Whether they have slow-and-steady humor or shell-shaking punch lines. These jokes will give you laughter bursts. So let’s get reading, folks!
What do you call a turtle with diarrhea?
A turdle.
What did the snail say when it was riding on the turtle’s back?
Weeeee.
Which type of turtles dominate the winter Olympics?
Sliders.
What should a turtle wear for safety when on a building site?
A shell-met.
What do you call a turtle that’s taking up photography?
A Snap-turtle.
What do turtles use to communicate with each other?
Shell phones.
What did the turtle say to the snail when he offered him a ride?
“No thanks, I’m a shellfish.”
Why don’t turtles share their food?
Because they’re shellfish.
What did the turtle say to the suspicious-looking caterpillar?
“I don’t trust you, you’re too butterfly.”
Why did the turtle break up with his girlfriend?
She was a little too slow for him.
Why did the turtle go to the hospital?
He had a shell phone lodged in his throat.
Why was the turtle kicked out of the band?
He was playing too many turtle shells.
What did the turtle say when he was offered a drink at the bar?
“No thanks, I’m already tanked.”
What do you call a turtle that’s into conspiracy theories?
A shell-luminati.
Why did the turtle refuse to go on the rollercoaster?
He didn’t want to get shell-shocked.
Why did the turtle take up boxing?
He wanted to be a shell-fighter.
What did the turtle say when he crossed the finish line?
“I shell-abrated!”
Where do homeless turtles go?
To the Shelter
what do turtles do on their birthday?
They shell-ebrate it.
Funny Turtle Jokes
Our selection of amusing turtle jokes will send you on a voyage full of smiles. These hilarious one-liners and puns will definitely make you smile and keep you laughing.
Where do turtles go when their gas meter reads empty?
The Shell Gas Station.
Why were the two turtle friends looking at their phone?
Because they were taking shellfies.
What type of phone do turtles like to use?
A Shell phone.
Why was the turtle so popular?
Because he was a shell-ebrity.
What do you call a turtle in a porcupine costume?
A slow poke.
Why do turtles avoid eating food from drive-thru places?
Because they do not like fast food, only slow food.
That turtle only sleeps during the day and is awake during the night, it must be noc-turtle.
Why did the turtle pursue a career in photography?
Because he wanted to become a snapping turtle.
Everyone knows, that turtles only cross the road when they are heading to the Shell Station.
Why did the turtle get married?
Because he was “turtle-ally in love”.
Why do turtles avoid electricity?
Because they don’t want to become shell-shocked.
Why are turtles good at telling jokes?
Because they know all the shell-larious ones.
What do turtles wear when they ride a motorcycle?
A shell-met.
What did the surfing turtle say after catching a big wave?
“That was turtle-ally awesome!”
What did the turtle hear from the cow that was standing behind him?
“Get a move on!”
What do you call a turtle in red, white, and blue?
A patriotic turtle.
What do turtles like best about the winter?
The slow flakes.
What is a kid turtle’s favorite game?
Peek-a-boo.
Hilarious Turtle Jokes
Welcome to a world filled with entertainment! These belly-laughing turtle jokes will make you laugh until you cry. Prepare yourself for a wild time!
I had a teacher back in primary school called Mr. Turtle.
A very odd name but he tortoise well.
Why is a tortoise not able to stand up?
Because they have a reptile dysfunction
John: Hey Bob, what was the snapping turtle doing on the highway?
Bob: I don’t know?
John: About 1 kilometer per hour
what did the turtle do when he won the race?
He shellebrated!
What do you get when you cross a turtle with a pig?
A slow pork.
Where do turtles always go to buy petrol?
The shell station
my auntie was killed by a stampede of turtles.
It was a very slow death.
What kind of photo did the turtle take on his iPhone?
A shellfie.
I’m not a vegan or anything but I think it is pretty messed up that they sweaters from turtle necks.
I was told to stop eating fast food.
I now just eat turtles
a turtle strolls into a restaurant for a light lunch and decides on the soup.
The server says to him “I’m sorry sir, but we don’t serve a turtle soup in this restaurant”.
I took my son to the zoo and the little guy asks me “why are those turtles playing piggy backs?”
At this moment I knew I had to tell him “son, those are called tortoises”
What do you call a turtle that that keeps pooping everywhere?
Turdel
what happened to the turtle who wanted to go to university?
His parents had to shell out a lot of money.
Where would you find a turtle with no limbs?
Exactly where you left him.
What do you call a tortoise that is electrocuted?
Shell shocked
Knock Knock Turtle Jokes
Please knock! Anyone there? It’s time to plunge into a sea of fun. Be prepared for entertaining jokes that will make you laugh out loud.
Knock knock!
Who is there?
Boo… Boo Who?
Don’t cry! We have the best turtle jokes.
Knock, knock!
Who’s there?
Noah…Noah
Who?
Noah good joke about turtles?
Knock knock!
Who’s there?
June… June who?
June know how to tell a good turtle knock-knock joke?
Knock, knock!
Who’s there?
Candice. Candice
Who? Candice turtle walk any faster?
Knock Knock!
Who’s there?
Eddie. Eddie who?
Eddie body home in that turtle shell?
Knock knock!
Who’s there?
You.
You who?
You see a turtle go by?
Turtle Jokes One Liners
In need of some clever and quick humor? Look nowhere else! We have turtle one-liners that will make you laugh right now. Prepare yourself for bite-sized humor!
The gunfight between the turtles and tortoises was barbaric! Empty shells everywhere.
A Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle walks into a bar. The bartender says, “You’re underage. Get out of here.”
Did you know turtles have the ability to understand puns? I wish they would have a tortoise that in school.
My uncle died from a turtle stampede. It was a slow death
a turtle walked in a restaurant but the owner grabbed it and threw it out. It came back 5 months later and yelled: get your hands off me!
Used to have a teacher called Mrs Turtle. Strange looking woman but she tortoise well.
I don’t let my pet turtle watch TV. I guess you can call it sheltered
I found a good book on turtles and it has a hard-back cover.
I loved that turtle protector case for my shell-phone.
The turtle’s birthday is coming up so it is a great time to shell-ebrate.
I learned about the new limited edition of the turtle candies from the commer-shell I saw.
There is no reason to flipper-t about my turtle puns if you don’t like them.
My parent’s tortoise to take care of that turtle.
There are two turtles in a tank—one says to the other, “how do you drive this thing?”
Once upon a time, a turtle woke up and made its way to school. When it got there, it was time to leave for the school holidays.
Hey, I’m looking for a book about turtles”
“Ah yes, the hard back”
“Yeah, with small heads”
Sea Turtle Jokes
With our sea turtle jokes, you will find joy! These jokes, which range from maritime puns to underwater humor, will have you laughing hysterically. Start the sea turtle humor now!
Did you know that sea turtles can also squirt ink?
Just Squidding.
What do you call a truck full of sea turtles crashing into a train full of terrapins?
A turtle disaster.
What’s a sea turtle’s favorite game?
Beakaboo.
What did the taco say to the sea turtle?
I like your shell.
What do sea turtles do when one of them has a birthday?
They have a shell-ebration.
A guy walking to library and asks for a book on sea turtles. The librarian asks “hard back?”
The guy replies “yeah little heads too.”
What do you call two beer drinkers arguing about sea turtles?
Lager-heads at loggerheads about Loggerheads.
That turtle just crawled out of the sea you see!
I guess you could say it’s a see-turtle!
What’s a sea turtle’s favorite food?
Un-recycled plastic.
Surgeons remove 915 coins swallowed by Thai sea turtle
they continue to monitor his Stool and see no change.
What type of turtle is the most visible?
A sea turtle.
Dirty Turtle Jokes
We offer a selection of mildly risqué turtle jokes. As we make our way through the dark world of dirty turtle humor, get ready for a hint of naughtiness.
What do you call a female turtle?
A clitortoise.
I don’t know why people keep asking if one of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles is gay.
They have a strict “Don’t Ask Donatello” policy
the veterinarian gave my turtle Viagra apparently it had a reptile dysfunction.
What does a pedophile and a turtle have in common?
They both wanna get there before the hare does.
What do you get when you mix a turtle and female genitalia?
A clitortise
what do you use to pick up turtle poop in Mario?
A Koopa Troopa Poopa Scoopa
how did the turtle finally lose his virginity?
He came out of his shell.
I love how the ninja turtles wear masks
Great way to hide your identity, it’s not like you’re a giant fucking turtle or something
What do Sea Turtles and Kim Kardashians Ass have in common?
They’re both filled with Plastic.
What do sea turtles have in common with mature Redditors?
They both have human shits getting in their face.
Two turtles walk into a bar.
As soon as they enter inside, it starts to rain. The big turtle turns to the smaller one and says – Go home and get the umbrella.
Small Turtle – I will, if you promise not to touch my soda.
Two hours pass…….
Big Turtle – Well. I guess he’s not coming back. May as well drink his soda.
As he’s about to reach for it, a voice from outside the bar says – If you touch the soda, I won’t go home and get the umbrella.
What do turtles say to themselves to calm down?
My 7 yr old: dad, I made up a joke and it’s really funny.
Me: ok hit me.
Her: what do turtles say to themselves to calm down?
Me: mmm I dunno, what?
Her: “in through your nose, out through your butt.”
Me: …
Her: …
Me: …
Her: turtles breathe through their butts, dad.
Me: oh! Haha nice one. Wow. You’re smart.
Turtle Jokes for Adults
With our stock of turtle jokes for adults, get ready to crack a smile! You’ll be laughing like a seasoned connoisseur at these cleverly nuanced jokes. Let the grin begin!
Why do turtles never forget?
Because they have turtle recall.
What kind of jokes do turtles tell?
Shell-larious ones.
Where do you find a leg-less turtle?
Wherever you left it!
What’s a turtle’s favourite sandwich?
Seanut butter and jelly-fish.
Why the turtle wax so expensive?
Because they only have little ears.
What happens when you try to crossbreed a turtle and a dragon?
You get a crushed turtle.
What’s the name for a turtle with 6 feet?
A 6 foot turtle.
What do you call turtles who are only awake during the night time?
Noc-turtles.
Why can’t a turtle eat food from Burger King?
Because, a turtle is too slow for fast food.
What do you call a turtle who loves photography?
A snapping turtle.
Why couldn’t the famous Ninja Turtle cross the road?
Because he didn’t have enough turtle power.
What’s green and goes click click click?
A ballpoint turtle.
How did the turtle get off his back?
He rocked and he rolled.
What do you get if you cross a turtle and a lama?
A turtle neck sweater.
When’s a turtle not a turtle?
When he’s shell-fish.
What happens if you get into a fight with one of the famous Ninja Turtles?
You get shell shocked.
What do you call a flying turtle?
A shell-a-copter.
What do you get if you cross a turtle and a porcupine?
A slowpoke.
What did the turtle say to the taco?
Is that my shell or yours?
What happens when turtles commit crimes?
They get locked up in a prison shell.
What happens to you when you wish to buy a turtle?
You have to shell out a lot of money.
Turtle Jokes for Kids
Young explorers welcome to the land of chuckles! Our selection of child-friendly turtle jokes is crafted to make you giggle uncontrollably. Here we come to make it fun!
Why did the turtle climb the tree?
To get to the other shell.
Why did the turtle go to the party with a mop?
He wanted to do some shell-cleaning.
What do you call a turtle that’s a car enthusiast?
A shell-by.
Why did the turtle start a rock band?
He wanted to play some heavy metal shell music.
What did the turtle say when he saw his reflection?
“Whoa, that’s a shell of a good-looking turtle!”
Why did the turtle take up baking?
He wanted to make some turtle pie.
What do you call a turtle that’s a fashion designer?
A shell-couture.
Why did the turtle go to space?
He wanted to see if the Earth was really flat.
What did the turtle say to the rabbit when he won the race?
“Slow and steady wins the race, my friend.”
Why did the turtle go to the dance party?
To do the turtle twerk.
What do you call a turtle that’s a chef?
A shell-cook.
Why did the turtle refuse to play soccer?
He kept getting shell-shocked.
What did the turtle say when he found the treasure chest?
“It’s shell-a lot of booty!”
What do you call a turtle chef?
A slow cooker.
What type of photos does a turtle love to take?
Shellfies.
Why did the turtle cross the road?
To get to the shell station.
Why can’t a tortoise eat McDonald’s food?
Because it is too slow for fast food!
What do you call a lesson on turtles?
A tutorial.
What happens when your kids want to buy a tortoise?
You shell out a lot of money.
What do you call an exceptionally large tortoise?
A Tur-tall.
Turtle Jokes and Puns
Enjoy a fantastic journey into the land of puns and jokes about turtles! This compilation will make you smile wide. Start the crazy puns now!
Why did the turtle move away into the mountains?
He had enough of the hare-racing adventures.
Can you please move it, you tortoise?
You are turtle-y blocking the road.
I can make the best turtle soup in my slow cooker.
Turtles are excellent teachers considering they tortoise everything.
Why can’t the turtle learn a simple task?
Because he is slow.
What is a famous turtle called?
A shell-ebrity.
What is the reason that turtles are relaxed?
They have access to sea weed.
I will make some turtle soup and it will be done soon because I will be snappy with it.
What type of turtle sleeps during the day but is up at night?
Noc-turtle.
Why does a turtle need to stay home?
It needs shell-ter.
where did the turtle go?
What the shell happened to it?
What is it called when a turtle that just died begins to stiffen?
Rigor tortoise.
Why couldn’t the turtle successfully get a boner?
Due to reptile dysfunction.
What device helps a turtle communicate?
Shell-phones.
Why don’t turtles pay attention to the needs of others?
They are shell-fish.
What is it called when a turtle is traumatized?
Shell-shock.
Where do turtles go if they had lost their shells?
To a homeless shell-ter.
what gas station does a turtle go to?
Shell.
What online platforms do turtles like?
Snap-chat.
Final Thoughts
We hope that our selection of turtle jokes has made you smile as we reach the conclusion of this turtle-tastic journey packed with fun and entertainment.
Do not forget that laughter is best experienced with others, so we urge you to spread the fun by telling your friends and family these jokes.
Do you have your favorite jokes about turtles?
We’d be thrilled to hear from you! Give your ideas and continue making turtle jokes to keep everyone laughing!
