150 Hilarious Train Jokes to Engineer Laughs on Your Face

There is a surprising amount of humor in train jokes and puns. My first reaction when I began putting this list together was skepticism. After that, I picked up the pace quickly.

You can see for yourself what I mean by scrolling through this list. There will be no time for you not to laugh uncontrollably. Trains appeal to everyone on an almost childlike level, perhaps because of their simplicity. It’s just fun to play them!

I spent a great deal of time collecting the best train jokes available online. Ready to explore these jokes about train? Let’s begin.

Best Train Jokes

While trains are one of the oldest forms of transportation (dating back to the 1800s!) It is hard to find good train jokes. For your comfort, I came up with the best train jokes!

Why did the elephant refuse to travel on the train?
Because she didn’t want to leave her trunk in the baggage carriage.

How do find out how heavy a whale is?
By taking it to the whale weigh station.

When does a rabbit go at exactly the same speed as a train?
When it is one of the passengers on the train.

Anyone who steals a train would definitely have a locomotive.

I was considering becoming a railway conductor or engineer, but I got put off by all the training.

I went for a walk along the railroad tracks, but then I suddenly felt run down.

I used to be a railway engineer but I kept losing my train of thought and going down the wrong track.

A young man has just told me about a great offer on railway buffers. Apparently, it’s an end of line sale.

I like to share a train pun or one-liner. I’ve always been driven by the joy of monorails.

Well, one thing I’ll say about ticket inspectors is that you’ve certainly got to hand it to them.

Reading between the lines can be extremely dangerous, particularly if you are at a train station.

I handed in my notice today and left my job as a newspaper reporter. I obviously took the ex-press train back home.

I went to a railway fancy dress party at the weekend. I wasn’t surprised to see every person there was wearing platforms.

Remember the good old days of railways, when everyone had plenty of esteem.

Funny Train Jokes

I have got the best collection of funny train jokes. If you are in a bad mood, reading them will instantly brighten you up.

What do you call a train that can’t stop sneezing?
Achoo-choo train.

What did the train driver say to the lady who wanted to know how long the next train would be and if it would run on time?
Same as usual madam; it has four carriages and it will run on rails.

Why shouldn’t you fall asleep on trains?
Because they run over sleepers.

What’s the difference between a railway security guard and a teacher?
One minds the trains and the other trains the minds.

What did the train track say when he walked into the bar with the motorway?
A pint for me please, and one for the road.

What happened to the boy who was doing a project on trains?
He found it difficult to keep track of everything.

What’s the difference between a teacher and a steam train?
One tells you not to chew gum, while the other says “Choo-choo”.

Why was the railway so angry?
Because people kept crossing it.

Why can’t train engineers be electrocuted?
Because they aren’t conductors.

How did the locomotive get so good at its job?
It trained every day.

Why did the train thief camouflage the railway?
Because she wanted to cover her tracks.

How do you locate a stolen train?
By following the tracks.

Who solves railway crimes?
Scotland Train-Yard.

What happened to the man who took the evening train home?
He had to give it back.

How do trains hear?
Through their engineers.

What do you call a pretend railway station?
A play station.

Why was the train engine humming?
It had forgotten the words.

Why do you have to wait longer for a train on Halloween?
Because they run a skeleton service.

Did you hear about the Mexican train hijacker?
They say he had locomotives.

What’s the difference between a teacher and a train?
The teacher says, “Spit out your gum,” but a train says, “Chew chew!”

Why are dolphins so smart?
Because within three hours they can train a human to stand at the edge of the pool and feed them fish!

What do need in order to crash a train?
A bad track record

To become a licensed, airline pilot requires 1,500 hours (two years) of training. But it only takes 10 seconds to steal the pilot’s jacket and hat.

You wanna know why I love trains?
They end my suffering.

Why was I stress eating on the train track?
To wait to get hit.

Why can’t a steam locomotive sit down?
Because it has a tender behind.

Why did timmy drop his ice cream cone…
He got hit by a train.

Hilarious Train Jokes

I’d like to share with you a list of hilarious train jokes that I put together specifically for people who need a good laugh. Check them out!

It’s a freight day to go for a ride on a train.

If you spend too much time walking on railroad tracks it might leave you feeling run down.

The conductor has never missed a day of work in over 20 years on the job.
He was there come train or shine.

You can always tell when a train driver is stressed because they bite their rails.

The conductor was right in the middle of her presentation when she lost her train of thought.
Embarrassed, she quickly disembarked from the room.

Did you know that train conductors make great thieves?
They’re really good at covering their tracks.

It’s hard to find anyone with more focus than a conductor.
They have complete tunnel vision.

How does a train avoid detection?
It covers its tracks.

I once asked a conductor how many times a train he was on had gotten derailed.
He told me it was hard to keep track.

Why do trains take so long to arrive on Halloween?
They’re running with a skeleton service.

I was able to pick up a few railway buffers for cheap the other day.
I took advantage of an end-of-the-line sale.

It’s always great working with a train conductor.
They’re always ready to take one for the steam.

What does a monster see when it sees a train full of passengers?
A chew chew train.

Conductors can be quite intimidating when you get them angry.
Make sure you don’t yank their train!

Everyone seems to have a crush on the train conductor.
They’re quite at-track-tive.

Three blondes were taking a walk when they stumbled on some tracks. They argued on what the tracks came from. One of them said “it’s a deer.” The other said it “No it’s a coyote.” The last one was going to give her thoughts, but that was when the train hit them.

You mama is like train tracks she gets laid all around the country.

Say what you want about Hitler at least he got the trains to run on time.

A Man and a Cow are stuck on train tracks and There is a Train in the distance about to hit both of them. A vegan sees this and tries to help. Who does He save, The man or the cow? Neither. He isn’t strong enough to lift either of them.

What do you call a train that likes toffee?
A chew-chew train.

A lady from the city and her traveling companion were riding the train through Vermont when she noticed some cows. “What a cute bunch of cows!” she remarked. “Not a bunch, herd”, her friend replied. “Heard of what?” “Herd of cows.” “Of course I’ve heard of cows.” “No, a cow herd.” “What do I care what a cow heard. I have no secrets to keep from a cow!”

Is it normal my emo cousins hobby is tying himself to train tracks.

Knock Knock Train Jokes

It is not surprising that knock-knock jokes have survived into the 21st century despite their corniness. But, probably you’ve never seen these knock knock train jokes that will make you laugh!

Knock, knock!
Who’s there?
Quintus.
Quintus who?
Quintus the next train leave?

Knock, knock!
Who’s there?
Alpaca.
Alpaca who?
Alpaca the suitcase, you see what time the train leaves.

Knock, knock!
Who’s there?
Betsy.
Betsy who?
Betsy of all, the train ticket says first class.

Knock, knock!
Who’s there?
Chew.
Chew who?
You sound like a chew-chew train.

Knock, knock!
Who’s there?
Ivan.
Ivan who?
Ivan working on the railway.

Knock, knock!
Who’s there?
Levin.
Levin who?
Levin on a steam train.

Knock, knock!
Who’s there?
Mister.
Mister who?
Mister last train home.

Knock, knock!
Who’s there?
Wenceslas.
Wenceslas who?
Wenceslas train home?

Train Jokes One Liners

If you’re interested in reading train jokes one-liners, then take a closer look at the following list!

I’ve always liked one-liners. That’s why I’m a fan of monorails.

Ticket inspectors. You’ve got to hand it to them…

What’s the difference between a teacher and a railway security guard? One trains the mind, the other minds the trains…

I know someone who tried to runway after camouflaging a railway. He tried to cover his tracks.

I miss the old days of railway when the engineer had plenty of esteem.

Some local engineers took a train for a service, but the vicar said it was blocking the aisle.

A friend got to the final of the local model railway competition. He lost on points.

Never liked the troll who lives under the local railway bridge. He’s my arch enemy.

I asked a train engineer how many times his train had derailed. He said, “I’m not sure, it’s hard to keep track.”

Went to a railway fancy dress party. Everyone was wearing platforms.

Got a couple of railway buffers going cheap. It was an end of line sale.

A train track and a motorway walk into a bar. The train track says “a pint for me, please, and one for the road”.

I know an elephant who refused to travel by train because he didn’t want to leave his trunk in the baggage car.

A friend of mine quit his job as a reporter and left town by railway. It was an ex-press train.

Clean Train Jokes

There are many exciting and humorous jokes about trains that are suitable for people of all ages. So, look at these clean train jokes that you can tell for everyone.

Being a conductor is more difficult than it looks. Every detail needs to be kept track of.

The conductor kept telling me funny train puns, and it was hard to keep a freight face.

Teachers and railroad security are more similar than you might think. One of them trains the mind, while the other one minds the trains.

I finally figured out why you always try to drive me crazy. You have a locomotive.

Why did the ghost get fired from his job at the railroad? He couldn’t coordinate the skeleton service.

The train conductor worked hard and got offered a promotion. It was a tram-endous opportunity.

The conductor was overloaded with work, but he just kept chugging along.

We ended up canceling our trip because all of our plans went down the train.

There’s a guy I know who has been a big fan of monorails since he was little. I guess he’s just really into one-liners.

Even the toughest train engineer needs a brake to let off some steam.

A railroad conductor needs to make sure he doesn’t go down the wrong track and lose his train of thought.

Train conductors are clever and known for their engine-uity.

What do you call a train with buble gum?
A chew chew train.

My boss yelled at me the other day, “You’ve got to be the worst train driver in history. How many trains did you derail last year?”
I said, “Can’t say for sure, it’s so hard to keep track!”

The train conductor was feeling silly and decided to wear platform shoes to work.

I’ve always been a big fan of a funny one-liner. I guess that’s why I like monorails so much!

Always keep an eye on train puns, they can go off the rails without warning.

Train conductors are known for their drinking. They can just keep chugging.

Wow, you really have to hand it to ticket inspectors.

Train Jokes for Adults

Have you reached the age of a grown-up? If yes, have a look at the list of train jokes for adults!

Railroad workers need to be sure they always keep their train of thought, or else they might go down the wrong track and get someone hurt.

It was exhausting to listen to the conductor’s argument because she had a one-track mind. It was enough to drive you loco.

I wanted to put together this list of funny train puns a while ago, but I just kept getting sidetracked.

What do you call a sick locomotive?
A train with a coal-d.

How do you make the locomotive Olympics?
Train really hard.

The cops were investigating the recent theft of a train.
They suspected the culprit had a locomotive.

Being a train conductor requires you to get up early in the morning.
Right at the track of dawn.

Driving trains is a lot more difficult than it steams.

The train company had safety issues for years but was always able to cover its tracks.

When things look bad you just have to keep calm and carriage on.

The conductor’s mailbox is always stuffed with letters. He receives plenty of freight mail.

What do you call a locomotive that keeps sneezing? Achoo choo train.

Railroad workers aren’t what they used to be. In the good old days, all the conductors were a little loco and full of self e-steam.

No matter where you are, you’ll never see happy railroad tracks. Too many people have crossed them.

What’s one easy way to tell if a train just passed? It leaves tracks.

No one would ever find out how hard he trained because he never got a platform to share it.

A locomotive conductor can only think of one thing at a time. They all have one-track minds.

Train Jokes for Kids

The following are some of the funniest, slickest, and corniest train jokes for kids. They are clean and easy to entertain kids. Let’s check them out!

The troll that lives under my local railway bridge really is my arch enemy.

I had a friend who quit his gig as a newspaper reporter and took a train out of town. The ex-press train.

Why can’t train engineers get electrocuted? They’re not the conductor.

Did you hear about the man who took the 6 o’clock train home? The police made him give it back.

I swear train conductors never get in trouble. They always seem to have a get out of rail free card.

I always like chewing gum on the train. Unlike teachers, locomotives always tell you to choo choo.

I was going to ask the conductor a question when he walked by, but I was too afreight to ask.

I went to a throwback party at the train station. Everyone had on platforms.

No matter what, the train I regularly take home is always late. It’s a slowcomotive.

Train drivers are quite clever and known for their engine-uity.

Train Jokes and Puns

Searching for train puns and jokes? You won’t want to miss this hilarious adventure of train jokes and puns that will relieve your stress for a while. Let’s start the fun with these puns!

I tried to get a job as a railway conductor, but they didn’t think I had enough training.

When the train engineer decided he wanted to run for office, he put the development of brailways for the blind as his main priority.

How do locomotives hear?
Through their enginears.

What did the mother steam engine say to her baby to get her to eat?
“Here comes the choo choo train!”

How do you find a missing train?
Hire an expert to follow the tracks.

The conductor was right in the middle of his presentation when he lost his train of thought. Embarrassed, he quickly disembarked the room.

No one would ever find out how hard he trained, because he never got a platform to share it.

The train company had safety issues for years but were always able to cover their tracks.

Final Thoughts on Train Jokes

It’s not essential for you to be actually on a train to tell these train joke. Don’t be afraid to bring one up randomly in casual conversations as well (like when you’re meeting parents).

These train jokes are meant to be funny, but some can be offensive at the same time. It would be awesome if you let us know when jokes go too far.

So which jokes about train are your favorite? Do you have more hilarious train jokes to add? Don’t hesitate to contact us if you do and we are looking forward to hearing from you.