157 Hilarious Pirate Jokes for a Big Laugh

Ahoy, me hearties! Prepare to embark on a hilarious voyage filled with laughter and wit of the best pirate jokes.

As the legendary pirate Blackbeard once said, ‘Laughter is an instant vacation,’ and what better approach to escape the monotonous routine of life?

From the depths of scientific theories on humor, we have scoured the seven seas to bring you the best, funniest, and most entertaining pirate jokes.

Join us on this jolly adventure and prepare to laugh like a true buccaneer! Arrr you ready?!

Best Pirate Jokes

Avast, ye scallywags! These jokes are worth their weight in doubloons and will have you laughing from ear to ear in no time.

Why children under seventeen can’t see pirates movies?
They are Rated Arrr.

How did the pirate became nut free?
He got an itch and used the hook to scratch them.

A one handed pirate heard a rumor that a grouper of skunks were going to sink his ship.
He fell for it hook, line and stinker.

While I was driving home, two pirates jumped into my car and stole everything.
They were pirates of the car I be in.

Which element on the periodic table does a pirate like the best?
Arrrrrgon! No, it must be Gold!!!!

What did the sea say to the pirate when they first met?
The sea didn’t say anything, it just waved!

Why do pirates go to second hand stores?
To buy their hooks.

How do you make a pirate furious?
Remove the P.

Why did the pirate go to the rehab clinic?
He was hooked.

What has 7 legs, 7 arms and seven eyes?
Seven pirates.

Why don’t pirates take a bath before walking the plank?
Because they will later wash up on the shore.

How much did the pirate pay to get his ears pierced?
A buck an ear!

What’s a pirate’s favorite type of fish?
A swordfish!

What happened to the red pirate’s crew when they encountered the blue pirate’s crew?
The got marooned.

What was the pirate boxer’s biggest strength?
His left hook!

What a pirate’s favorite hair style?
The crew cut!

What does Pirate Santa says?
Yo ho ho ho.

Why pirates are the worst at first aid?
Because they use Sea Pee Arrg.

When does the pirate has two eyes?
When he’s addressed by his sailors Aye, Aye, Captain

Which part of their houses do pirates like best?
Their backyarrrrds.

Our boat drifted, we found a pirate ship and asked the pirates: can you help us?
They said: we’re not shore.

What is pirate’s favorite fast food?
Arrgby’s.

How do you call a pirate that is very close BuccaNear.

Have you heard any good pirate jokes?
Neither have Aye.

How did the pirate quit smoking?
He used the patch.

What do you call it when the crew of a pirate ship plots mutiny?
A consipra-sea!

How did the band Imagine Dragons stop people from pirating their music?
They stopped releasing any song worth listening to.

Funny Pirate Jokes

Ahoy there, matey! Our swashbuckling quips and puns are surely going to make the monotony break on your boring day!

How does a pirate apologizes?
Aye am so sorry.

How come the pirate found it easy to recite the tongue twister: Chester Cheetah chews a chunk of cheep cheddar cheese?
Because he was used to the 7 Cs.

A guy tried to sell me a DVD movie with a 3.14 stars rating.
It was clearly a pi rated movie.

Did you hear about the pirate who stole from the rich to give to the poor.
His name was Robin Hook?

Why are pirates good at singing?
Because they can hit the high seas

A pirate and a sailor were exchanging stories.
The sailor pointed to the pirate’s peg leg and asked, How did you get that?
The pirate said, Aye, I wrestled a shark and lost me leg.
The sailor pointed to the pirate’s hook and asked, How did you get that?
The pirate said: Aye, I fought Red Beard’s crew and lost me hand.
The sailor pointed to the pirate’s eye patch and asked, How did you get that?
The pirate said, Aye, a bird came by and left droppings in me eye.
The sailor said, That’s not as impressive as the other two. …
Aye, the pirate answered. It was me first day with the hook.

Knock Knock.
Who’s there?
Garden.
Garden Who.
I’m Garden D Treasure.

What do you call a pirate with no eyes and no legs?
An Expert.

What is a pirates least favorite letter.
A letter from The Court.

Why did the pirate put a belt on a pumpkin?
To become a squashbuckler.

What do pirates wear when its cold?
Long Johns.

Why did the pirate bought the ship.
It was on sail.

What instruments do pirates prefer?
The guitar.

What games do parrots like to play?
Hide and speak.

Why did the pirate go to the ophtalmogolist?
To get his eye exam.

Hilarious Pirate Jokes
Our booty-filled jests will have you roaring with laughter like a band of merry pirates on their grandest adventure. Have fun!

How do you tell a pirate apart from a farmer?
The pirate buries his treasure, and the farmer treasures his berries.

What is a three eye pirate called?
A piiirate.

Mighty Mary tells her boyfriend Aleks: I can’t stand it anymore, Aleks.
You don’t treat me right. You even say that I talk like a pirate, and you never even buy me flowers!
Aleks: Well, guess what, Mighty Mary, you do talk like a pirate. And I didn’t even know you sold flowers!

Why are algebra teachers secretly pirates?
The are always looking for X.

Pete Blackbeard the pirate comes home to his wife after a long trip at sea. His wife is stunned: Pete Blackbeard, you look terrible… what happened?
Pete responds Ahh… nothing, I’m fine, really.
Wife: But what happened to your leg – you have a wooden leg now!
Pete: Argh, I know, we had a battle with another ship, and a canon ball just landed on my leg! But the wooden leg is working just fine.
Wife: But what happened to your hand – you have a hook now!
Pete, sighing: I know, I fought another pirate with a sword, and he cut my hand off. It’s ok now.
Wife: But what happened to your eye – why do you have an eye patch?
Pete: A bird pooped on my eye, right as I was looking up. Bad luck.
Wife: You lost your eye because of a bird poop?
Pete: Aye. Well, it was my first week with a hook, and I forgot about it

What do you call a pirate with two yes, two hands and two legs?
A Rookie.

Where do pirates with a wooden leg like to go for breakfast?
IHOP.

Which two teams made it to the pirate super bowl?
The Buccaneers and the Seahawks.

Why was the pirate worried about the paper towel on his forehead?
There was a Bounty on his head.

Why pirates do not cry in public?
They like their private-tears.

Why can’t a pirate play card game?
Because he is standing on the deck!

Which country do pirates like to visit the most?
Arrrrrrgentina!What sounds like a parrot but is orange? A carrot

Knock Knock.
Who’s there.
Turner.
Turner who?
Turner round to see the pirate behind you.

Why did the pirate filed a divorce from his wife?
They were always Arrrrguing.

A Slice of pie was 3 dollars in Puerto Rico, 3 dollars in the Dominican Republic and 5 in Cuba.
Those were the pie rates of the Caribbean.

Flirty Pirate Jokes

The finest collection of our flirty pirate jokes will be pretty mischievous and will have you winking like a true freebooter in no time!

Baby, my ship was sunk till I saw you.

Not only do I have a ship, but it’s a long one.

Pardon me, but would ya mind if I fired me cannon through your porthole?

Yo, ho! Bottle of rum?

All hands on deck!

Arg baby, Arg.

You must be from Pearl Harbor, because baby, you’re the bomb.

A good captain goes down with his ship, wanna go down with me?

Arrrrrrrrrrrrr you free this Saturday?

You can sail my seven seas.

WOW! I bet we could fit SIXteen men on that chest!

Just because one eye is patched doesn’t mean I don’t see how beautiful you are.

Ya certainly put the shiver in me timber!

Pirate Jokes One Liners

Looking for quick and witty pirate humor? Check out our pirate jokes one-liners! Prepare for rapid-fire laughs that will leave you wanting more.

Permission to fire my cannon through your portholes?

Arrrrrrrrre ye free tonight, after bedtime?

I know where you can bury your treasure.

To err is human. To arr pirate.

Wanna see the world’s best pirate booty?

Can I help making your roger a little more jolly?

Your Jolly Roger ain’t the only thing ye’ll be raisin’ tonight.

Prepare to be boarded!

Lookin’ for booty? Mine’s ready for pillaging.

Come dock in my port.

Baby, you unfurl my sails.

Clean Pirate Jokes

Welcome landlubbers! Set sail for family-friendly clean pirate jokes. These jokes are as pure as a sea breeze and suitable for sailors of all ages.

What did one pirate say to the other?
I sea you!

What’s a pirate’s favorite letter?
People think it’s the Arrr, but actually is the sea.

The pirate went to the dermatologist to get the moles on his back checked. When the lab results came back, the specialist told the pirate it is ok, they’re benign.
The pirate replied Check again, I think there be ten.

Why do we call pirates pirates?
Because they ARRRRRR pirates!

What is the pirate’s favorite subject in school. Arrrt.

How can you tell a drunken pirate appart from a hungry pirate?
The first has a rumbling tummy and the other a tumbling rummy.

What did the Pirate Lawyer used for winning a case?
Solid Arrrguments.

Why did it took so long for the pirate to learn the alphabet?
He spent a couple of year at Sea.

How do you call someone who doesn’t pay to get his movies in DVD?
A pirate.

Who has 5 legs, 6 hands and 7 eyes?
5 pirates.

Where do you find the pirate who loses his wooden leg?
Right where you left him.

A cruise ship passes by a remote island, and all the passengers see a bearded man with an eyepatch running around and waving his arms and screeming.
Captain, one passenger asks, who is that man over there?
I have no idea, the captain says, but he seems to love cruises, he always go crazy when sees us.

How do you call a pirate droid?
Arrrg2 D2.

What did the policeman said to the pirate when he decided to not give him a ticket?
You’re off the hook now Mister.

The crew member to the Captain: The cannons is ready
The Captain: You mean arrrrrgg ready.

Dirty Pirate Jokes

We have just the treasure for those seeking a bit of risqué pirate humor. Get ready for the collection of naughty and daringly funny dirty pirate jokes.

What’s orange and sounds like a parrot?
A carrot.

You raise my Jolly Roger.

See this hook?
Variable speed with five alternate attachments, Baby.

Hey, s*xy — how about a Jolly Rogering?

I’d love to drop anchor in your lagoon.

I’ll bet you can’t find my buried treasure.

It would make me Jolly if we could Roger.

Want to see my 9mm?

Wanna take a ride in my crows nest?

Why did the pirate go to college?

Well blow me down?

You’re guilty of being a hot wench…i sentence you to walking my plank.

You. Pants Off. Now! (Female Pirate)

Polly wants a crack-wh0re.

Pirate Jokes for Adults

Hello, grown-ups! Get ready for a dose of pirate humor made for the more mature audience. Enjoy it to the fullest!

Why did the pirate have great abs?
He did a lot of planking.

What kind of ship is most feared by pirates?
A steady relation ship.

Why did the pirate attacked with a written letter?
Because the pen is mightier than the sword.

While driving to work, to guys entered my vehicle and stole everything.
They were the pirates of the car I be in.

What is a pirates favorite music genre?
Arrr & B.

Why did two pirates get into a fight?
Because they didn’t see Aye to Aye.

Why were the pirate’s hook and peg so expensive?
Because he paid an arm and a leg for them.

Why did the pirate have to walk the plank?
Because he didn’t have a dog.

Why does it take pirates so long to learn the alphabet?
Because they can spend years at C.

What’s a pirate use his cell phone for?
Booty calls.

What is pirate’s favorite juice?
Hi C.

Why did the pirate didn’t answer his phone?
Because he left it off the hook.

Why is being a pirate so addictive?
Because once you lose your first hand, you get hooked!

What does the Apple Pirate wears?
An iPatch!

What did the pirate say when he left his wooden leg in the refrigerator?
Shiver me timbers!

Pirate Jokes for Kids

Hi, young pirates! Join the fun with our collection of pirate jokes designed especially for kids. These jokes will leave you giggling from bow to stern!

What do pirates use for cooking in their reunions?
A Barrrrbecue.

What doll do pirates play with?
Barrrrbie?

How do pirates motivate each other during a race?
Rum bottle, RUM!

Why does the pirate travels by ship?
Because he let his car’-go

The Captain told his crew, If I am wounded in battle, the red shirt does not show the wound and thus, you men will continue to fight unafraid.
Two enemy ships were spotted.
The men became silent and looked to the Captain, for his command. The Captain ordered, Bring me my brown pants!

Why don’t pirates like helping others?
It’s hard for them to lend a hand.

Why did the pirate went to see the plastic surgeon?
He wanted to have a bigger booty.

How does a pirate uses to get to the top of the building?
An elevataaaaarrrrrr!!!!!

Why are pirate ships so dangerous?
They´re assailing vessels.

Do pirates like to fight?
Sword of.

What made the sailor join a pirate ship?
Pier pressure.

Ironic that The Pirates Of The Caribbean DVD has a piracy warning

Where do Pirates put their weapons?
In their enemies.

Why was the pirate so confident at the race?
He knew his leg wood work.

Knock Knock Knock Knock,
who,
Who’s there?
Who’s there?
Quit it parrot its not funny.

Obscure Pirate Jokes

Looking for some hidden treasures of humor? Our obscure pirate jokes will make you scratch your head, chuckle in confusion, and feel like an inside pirate crew member.

What kind of socks does a pirate wear?
AAAARGHYLE

Why do pirates need cell phones? To make booty calls!

Why were there no painkillers left on the pirate ship?
Because the parrots-ate-emol!

How come the pirate found it easy to recite the tongue twister: “Chester Cheetah chews a chunk of cheep cheddar cheese”?
Because he was used to the Seven C’s!

What’s the difference between a hungry pirate and a drunken pirate?
One has a rumbling tummy, and the other’s a tumbling rummy.

Why did the pirate buy an eye patch?
Because he couldn’t afford an iPad!

Why don’t pirates take a bath before they walk the plank?
Because they’ll just wash up on shore later!

What is a pirate’s least favourite letter?
Your boat has been impounded due to unpaid loan repayments.

Why don’t pirates shower before they walk the plank?
Because they’ll just wash up on shore later.

How much did the pirate pay for his earrings?
A buck-an-ear.

Why did one pirate push the other one overboard?
Because they got into an arrgh-ument!

What did the pirate wear on Halloween?
A pumpkin patch!

What has 8 legs, 8 arms, and 8 eyes?
8 pirates.

What’s the difference between a pirate and a raspberry farmer?
The pirate buries his treasures, but the farmer treasures his berries.

Final Thoughts

In conclusion, we hope our pirate jokes have brought you joy in the adventurous spirit that pirates embody.

From the best pirate jokes to the hilarious and obscure, we’ve covered all corners of pirate humor.

These jokes are guaranteed to put a smile on your face, whether you’re a complete landlubber or a seasoned sailor.

We’d love to hear which ones made you laugh the most, so don’t be shy!

As the old pirate saying goes, “A good laugh and a long sleep are the two best cures for anything.” So me hearties, may your days be filled with endless pirate jokes!