152 Hilarious Nut Jokes to Crack You Up

It’s true that there are a lot of funny nut jokes. Anyone that are looking for a hearty laugh will not be disappointed by the wide variety of nut jokes.

Nuts are hidden fruits beneath a hard, inedible shell. When you crack this shell open, you will find an edible seed that you can eat or even use to make culinary experiences. You can tell a joke about nuts if you’re talking about chestnuts, peanuts, walnuts, acorns, or cashews.

In this post, we’ve gathered a large collection of nut jokes which you can share with friends and family to laugh together. Check out the following categories of jokes about nuts!

Best Nut Jokes

Following is a list of best nut jokes. These are some funnies nut jokes that no one knows (to tell your friends). Let’s take a closer look!

I nutted on the wall, call that a walnut.

Nutted in her braces, now my kids are behind bars.

What did the wind say to the palm tree?
Hold onto your nuts this is no ordinary blow job.

What do you call a nut on a Wheelchair?
A busted nut.

Why do vegetarians give good head? Because they’re used to eating nuts.

Why did the squirrel do the backstroke?
He wanted to keep his nuts dry.

What does a robot do at the end of a one night stand?
He nuts and bolts.

What is the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts?
Well beer nuts are 49 cents but deer nuts are just under a buck.

In school, we learned that squirrels stick their nuts in trees. So, just like my uncle dave…

Do you know Imagine Dragons Yeah Imagine Dragon my nuts across your face.

A penis has a sad life. His hair is a mess. His family is nuts.
His neighbor is an asshole. His best friend is a pussy. And his owner beats him.

What did the nut chasing the other nut say?
Imma cashew.

Roses are red, nuts are brown, Skirts go up, pants go down. Body to body, skin to skin, when its stiff, stick it in.
It goes in dry, comes out wet, the longer it’s in, the stronger it gets. It comes out dripping and starts to sag, it’s not what you think, it’s a lipton tea bag.
Get your mind out of the gutter.

What did one nut say to the other?
Ignore the guy in the middle. He’s a d!ck.

A Pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel attached to his dick.
The Bartender asks him why And the Pirate says: Argh, It’s driving me nuts.

A pirate walked into a bar with his ship’s steering wheel hanging off his pants.
The bartender says, “Hey! What’s with the steering wheel?”
The pirate says, “I don’t know but it’s driving me nuts!”

I asked my doctor if it was normal for one of my nuts to be bigger than the other two.

A guy goes to see his psychiatrist dressed only in bubble wrap.
When he gets there he asked the psych, can you please help me?
The psych says no, I’m sorry, I can clearly see your nuts.

Yo girl…do you like squirrels, because I’m about to nut in your hole.

Funny Nut Jokes

Would you like to crack a nut joke in front of your nut-loving friends? These funny nut jokes below will surely make your friends laugh out loud.

A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories.
After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse.
“But why?” they asked, as they moved off. “Because”, he said, “I can’t stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer.”

Why did Adolf Hitler like nuts?
He only had one.

What did the bread say to the peanut butter?
I think your nuts.

DR Brody: Sir your son has a disease called boofa dad: what’s boofa?
DR Brody: both of these nuts in your mouth.

What do squirrels and men have in common?
They always want a nut.

Nutted in my shoes, now my kids are taking a walk.

What do u call it when a boxer cums?
Busting a nut.

I’m so excited for Christmas Pudding…
Pudding these nuts in your mouth.

What did the wire say to the electrician?
Stop twisting my nuts.

Did you guys see on the news where they arrested that pervert at the Michaels Crafts store??
He was running around completely naked and had sprinkled glitter all over his testicles. I guess it was pretty nuts.

There is a kid in my class who is allergic to peanuts.
He says he’s gay- he can’t be tho… he’s allergic to nuts!

What do u call a 3 sum with a girl with aids?
Nut in the butt.

What do u call nuts on your chest?
Chestnuts.

What do u call nuts on the wall?
Walnuts.

What do u call nuts on your chin?
A blowjob.

What do you call a vegan slut…?
A garden Ho…!

One day little johnny went to his grandma’s house and she asks “do you like nuts” and little johnny says “yes I like nuts” and his grandma says “okay then grab them out of the cabinet” so little johnny went and grabbed them and he was sad after he grabbed them his grandma then says “what’s wrong?”
little johnny says “I thought they were real nuts.” and his grandma fainted.

If you are so clever, have you ever heard of Ligma?
Ligma? I don’t think so, tell me more.
Ligma nuts!

Have you played that Xbox game “Sea Of Thieves”?
Yes why?
Well Sea Of Thieves Nuts fit in your mouth.

“I was shopping at the local farmers market and purchased some fermented succondese”
“fermented succondese?”
“yes, Fermented succondese nuts”.

Hilarious Nut Jokes

Are you in need of a little boost? Are you craving a little crunch for lunch? Whether it’s a snack or meal, nuts are a great addition. At the same time, enjoy some hilarious nut jokes!

A pirate walks into a bar with a wheel hanging down his pants.
A guy walks buy and says ”Pardon me sir, but you’ve got a wheel hanging down your pants.
The pirate responds ‘‘I know. it’s driving me nuts!’’

A girl asked “can I have some nuts too?”
Boy: “sure what ones.”

Have you heard of imagine dragons (the band), imagine dragging these nuts across your face.

Have you seen the xbox game sea of thieves? See if these nuts fit on yo mouth.

Knock Knock Nut Jokes

It’s impossible to get tired of knock-knock nut jokes. Take a look at these jokes below for a funny to-and-fro discussion with your friends.

Knock, knock.
Who is there out?
Cash.
Cash who?
Oh god, I should’ve known you were nuts.

Knock Knock.
Who is it?
Cashew.
Cashew who?
Bless you!

Knock, knock.
Who is there outside?
Nut.
Nut who?
Nut gonna stand here all day for you.

Knock knock.
Who is outside?
Peanut.
Peanut who?
Peanut, butter open the door.

Knock, knock.
Who is it?
Walnut.
Walnut who?
I walnut tell it is a secret.

Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Candice!
Candice who?
Candice nuts fit in your mouth?

Knock, knock.
Who is it?
Butter.
Butter who?
I butter nut tell you.

Knock, knock.
Who is it?
Cash.
Cash, who?
No, thanks. I prefer peanuts!

Nut Jokes One Liners

In this section, I’ve compiled a list of one-liner nut jokes. Let’s have a look together and enjoy the fun.

What did one nut say to the other?
“Cashew later.”

What sound does a nut make when it sneezes?
Cashew.

What’s a nut’s favorite scary movie?
The Creature from the Black Legume.

How did the nut study for its test?
It used the inter-nut.

Which nut is the worst for your diet?
Donuts.

Where do nuts go for a quick energy boost?
The nearest Shell station.

Which nut is the best at playing tag?
Catch-yous aka cashews.

Who named their daughter Macadamia?
A couple of nuts.

Which nut is worth the most?
A cash-ew.

Which type of nut goes to outer space?
An astro-nut.

What is a cowboy’s favorite tree?
A horse chestnut tree.

Why did the elephant cross the road?
To get to the peanut.

What do elephants drink on vacation?
Peanut coladas.

What competition do nuts participate in?
The peanut butter cup.

Why did the boy leave his chestnuts in the rain?
He wanted them rusted.

Why didn’t the pecan go to the ballet?
It was afraid of the nutcracker.

Why did the nut go to the bank?
To cashew its check.

Clean Nut Jokes

Whatever you’re doing, whether it’s in the kitchen or at a party, you’ll find a laugh to spark a smile. Here are some clean nut jokes for you to enjoy!

What kind of nuts come in cans?
Creamed a-corn.

Why was there peanut butter in the middle of the road?
It went with the traffic jam.

What eats nuts and bolts?
A squirrel that’s running late.

What is a popular name for girl peanuts?
Michelle.

Did you hear the one about the pecan, the walnut, and the cashew?
It was nut funny.

Why was the peanut butter upset at his retirement party?
He was roasted.

Which nut has won the World Cup the most times?
A Brazil nut.

Why did the squirrel ask for a pay raise?
He was paid peanuts.

What do you call a nut with a hairy upper lip?
A mustach-io.

Where do squirrels go for fun?
The acorn-ival.

What do squirrels eat at the fair?
A-corn dog.

What did one nut say to the other nut when it was chasing it?
“I’m gonna cashew!”

How do you get a squirrel to be your friend?
Act like a nut.

Dirty Nut Jokes

It never seems appropriate to tell dirty nut jokes or unsavory jokes in any setting. You deserve laughs if you’re brave enough to deliver a punchline. Let’s start some fun with these naughty jokes!

A man with a speech impediment enters a nut shop.
“How much for your peanutsh?” he asks the clerk.
“Twenty bucks a scoop,” the clerk replies.
“How much for your cashewsth?”
“Five bucks a piece.”
“How much for your pisthathiosth?”
“Ten bucks for a pair.”
“Well, thankth you very much. And thankth you for not making fun of my speech impedimenth,” says the man.
“Of course,” answers the clerk. “And thank *you* for not making fun of my unusually large and protruding nose.”
“That’sth your nose? I thoughth it was your dick. Your nutsth are so high!”

I don’t get what’s so hard about No Nut November
It’s the 3rd day and I haven’t eaten any nuts yet. I just distract myself by constantly masturbating all day.

A man get pulled over with his young son in the back seat.
The cop comes to the window.
“Sorry officer, I was rushing to get home. My wife is throwing a dinner party for very important guests.”
The cop writes him a ticket anyway, wishes him a good day and walks back to his patrol car. As he walks away, the dad mutters “Bastard.”
The little boy, who has been quiet asks. “Daddy, what’s a bastard?”
The dad points at the cop.
When they get home, they park the car and are walking up the driveway when the dad steps in a pile of dog poop.
“SHIT!” He exclaims.
The little boy asks, “Daddy what’s shit?”
Dad points to his shoe.
Sometime later, the boy goes upstairs to the bathroom to see his dad shaving. He accidentally cuts himself and yells. “NUTS!”
“Daddy? What’s nuts?”
Dad points to his face.
Boy finally goes into this kitchen to see his mother stuffing a turkey. She drops some of the stuffing on the floor and yells “FUCK!”
“Mommy? What’s fuck?”
She points at the dropped stuffing.
Sometime later, there is a knock on the door. It’s a cop that is investigating a rash of local crime, interviewing the neighbors.
The little boy answers the door and gleefully says
“Howdy Bastard! Wipe your shit on the mat. Dads upstairs shaving his nuts. Moms in the kitchen fucking a turkey.!”

I just found out you can get Botox for your ballsack to get all the wrinkles out.
Pretty nuts, right?

Nutted in my girlfriends braces
Now my kids are behind bars.

No Nut November is going great so far
Every time I think about eating almonds, I just masterbate. It’s not hard guys.

What’s the Difference Between Beer Nuts and Deer Nuts
Beer nuts are a buck ninety nine, and deer nuts are just under a buck.

After masturbating post nut clarity hit hard
I guess you could say I came to my senses.

It you put nuts on a chest, what do you have? Chestnuts.

If you put nuts on a wall, what do you have? Walnuts.

If you put nuts on your chin, what do you have? I’d say you have a dick in your mouth.

What do you call a set of nuts on the wall?
Wallnuts.

What do you call a set of nuts on your chin?
A mouth full of cock!

What does a robot do after sex?
He nuts and bolts

A penis has a sad life.
His hair is a mess; his family is nuts; his next-door neighbor is an asshole; his best friend is a pussy, and his owner beats him habitually.

What do prostitutes and peanut butter have in common?
They both spread for bread.

Nut Jokes for Adults

You can make your daily conversations more enjoyable with nut jokes for adults that are popular today. These jokes can lead to a hearty experience, rather than just a laugh.

What did the mama nut say to her son?
“If I ever cashew doing that, I walnut be happy.”

What do you call an angry nut with a mustache?
A pistachio.

What happens to a nervous nut?
It cracks.

What sandwich spread makes people itch?
Flea-nut butter.

What happened to the man who turned into a pistachio?
He became a shell of who he once was.

What happens if a cashew falls down your shirt?
It becomes a chestnut.

What did the peanut say to the cashew after their argument?
Imma cashew outside!

The cashew called the peanut boring.
The peanut felt very unsalted.

What do you call a nut stuck to a wall?
A walnut.

What do you call a nut who loves the game of chess?
A chess-nut.

What’s a nut’s favorite Shakespeare line?
“To be or nut to be.”

When is the peanut butter due to arrive?
In a Jif.

What did the guest say when he arrived at the peanut butter’s dinner party?
“Nice spread!”

Why couldn’t the peanut finish the project?
Work came to a grinding halt.

How do you sum up a cashew?
In a nutshell.

What do you call super expensive shoes?
Cashews.

How do you catch an elephant?
Act like a peanut.

Who answers the door at the peanut mansion?
The peanut butler.

Nut Jokes for Kids

It’s hard not to laugh when you hear a good joke, and I have a great collection of kid’s jokes that you won’t want to miss. Take a closer look at the following list of nut jokes for kids!

When can Macadamia nuts make you feel good?
When they come complimentary.

Which is the simplest place to learn about pecans?
The internut.

Which nut is supposed to travel to the moon and other planets?
An astro-nut.

Which nut is the most expensive and valuable of all nuts?
Cash-ew.

Who do you think eats nuts and bolts?
A squirrel does, the one who’s in hurry.

If you are what you eat, does that mean all squirrels are nuts?

Do you like my a-corn-y jokes?

Pistachio can’t, but pe-can.

Float like a butternut, sting like a bee.

A pecan is motivated because pe-can do anything.

Don’t look! I saw you pecan through the window!

For our anniversary, I gave my girlfriend a picture of me inside a pistachio. But that’s just me in a nutshell.

I have no problem getting dates online.
I’ve also had luck with almonds, cashews, and walnuts.

How do you react when someone eats all your cashews?
That is nut a thing to be proud of.

What did the squirrel eat after breaking down a car?
It eats nuts and bolts, all of them.

What kind of nuts do you get in cans?
Creamed aCorn.

What nuts are stored with treasure?
Chest-nuts.

Nut Jokes and Puns

Is there ever a time in your life when you feel like you are going absolutely nuts? If not you, here are nut jokes and puns that will make you go nutty!

I want an almond-flavored biscuit. Amaretti? You bet I am!

A friend asked what an acorn is. I said, “In a nutshell, it’s an oak tree.”

I’d tell you a secret about peanut butter, but you might spread it.

I had fresh coconut the last time I went to Hawaii. It’s a tough nut to crack.

I love almond milk. It’s unlike any udder milk.

Your secret is safe with me. I walnut tell a soul!

Cashew see I’m nuts about you!?

You must be rich! You’ve got all the cash-ews.

I tried to come up with a funny pun about squirrels, but all my ideas were nuts.
You pe-can do it!

No pine, no gain!

Cashew a question? Nut now!

The nut is so solid it’s peanut brittle.

If you put ice cream on the nutty brownie, you’re serving it ala-mond.

Don’t panic! Stay c-almond collected.

The peanut gained confidence and finally came out of its shell.

I have a pun, but I will nut-tella you!

Final Thoughts on Nut Jokes

Consider that there are jokes based on the truth that can bring down governments, or jokes that make young girls laugh. Some nut jokes and puns can be offensive, but most of them are intended to be hilarious.

My goal is to keep jokes from going too far, being mean, or being racist, and it would be great if you could give me feedback when a joke starts to be a bully or inappropriate.

There are some dirty jokes for adults and dark jokes that can be funny, but be careful when using them in real life.

Keep a list of funny nut jokes that you haven’t heard before to share with your friends and to make them laugh.

Hopefully, you enjoyed above-mentioned jokes about nuts. Any questions, don’t hesitate to let us know in the comment section.