151 Hilarious Long Jokes to Enhance Your Humor and Patience

Although humor has evolved, many jokes have stood the test of time. We’ve compiled a list of the best long jokes that will make you laugh until your stomach hurts.

If the value of humor isn’t enough for you, there’s more to discover. Whether you prefer hopelessly corny jokes, easily remembered short jokes or irresistibly bad jokes.

If you’re looking for something special to share your friends, our collection of funny long jokes might come in handy.

The absolute best jokes are recounted as stories. These jokes take more time to set up the zinger. However, the result is considerably more chuckling. We should investigate how successful story jokes can be.

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Best Long Jokes

Is it true or not that you are tired of old, short jokes and searching for new ones? Assuming that is the situation, continue to peruse because we’ve recorded the best long jokes in recent.

A taxing situation
According to unofficial sources, a new simplified income-tax form contains only four lines:
1. What was your income for the year?
2. What were your expenses?
3. How much have you left?
4. Send it in.


Taking stock
One of the oddities of Wall Street is that it is the dealer and not the customer who is called broker.


Shrink rap
Two Hollywood stars ran into each other at the door of their psychiatrist’s office.
“Hello, there,” said one. “Are you coming or going?”
“If I knew that,” said the other, “I wouldn’t be here.”


Just desserts
At a party, a young wife admonished her husband, “That’s the fourth time you’ve gone back for ice cream and cake. Doesn’t it embarrass you?”
“Why should it?” answered her spouse. “I keep telling them it’s for you.”


Cheers!
A grasshopper walks into a bar. The bartender looks at him and says, “Hey, they named a drink after you!”
“Really?” replies the grasshopper. “There’s a drink named Stan?”


Listen up!
You can’t believe everything you hear—but you can repeat it.


This one’s a gem
A Hollywood hostess, giving instructions to a new maid just before a party, cautioned: “Now remember, Marie, when you serve my guests, don’t wear any jewelry.”
“I haven’t anything valuable, madam,” answered the maid. “But thanks for the warning just the same.”
—Peggy McEvoy


Aarrrrgh!
Why don’t pirates take a shower before they walk the plank?
They just wash up on shore.


Boyfriend trouble
A teenager brings her new boyfriend home to meet her parents. They’re appalled by his haircut, his tattoos, his piercings.
Later, the girl’s mom says, “Dear, he doesn’t seem to be a very nice boy.”
“Oh, please, Mom!” says the daughter. “If he wasn’t nice, would he be doing 500 hours of community service?”


The end is near
Every time a little boy went to a playmate’s house, he found the friend’s grandmother deeply engrossed in her Bible. Finally his curiosity got the better of him.
“Why do you suppose your grandmother reads the Bible so much?” he asked.
“I’m not sure,” said his friend, “but I think she’s cramming for her finals.”


Man overboard
A gawky lad from New England came to New York with his girl, and took her to nearby Playland Amusement Park. They had heard a lot about the Tunnel of Love and were especially anxious to try it out. But when they got home, the kids expressed disappointment.
“Shucks,” the boy said, “it was dark and damp and uncomfortable. Besides, we got soaking wet.”
“How come?” asked a friend. “Did the boat leak?”
The kid looked amazed. “There’s a boat?”


Holy cow!
A pair of cows were talking in the field. One says, “Have you heard about the mad cow disease that’s going around?”
“Yeah,” the other cow says. “Makes me glad I’m a penguin.”


Where there’s smoke
Once, my father came home and found me in front of a roaring fire. That made my father very mad, as we didn’t have a fireplace.


Identity crisis
“Your mother has been with us for 20 years,” said John. “Isn’t it time she got a place of her own?”
“My mother?” replied Helen. “I thought she was your mother.”


Kidding around
On a Miami­ to Chicago flight was a lively youngster who nearly drove everyone crazy. He was running up and down the aisle when the flight attendant started serving coffee. He ran smack into her, knocking a cup of coffee out of her hand and onto the floor.
As he stood by watching her clean up the mess, she glanced up at the boy and said, ‘”Look, why don’t you go and play outside?”

Funny Long Jokes

People are frequently praised for their wit and ability to crack jokes. A good fit under the section of funny long jokes can improve things tenfold. You can find a few examples here.

A waiter gives a gentleman a cup of coffee. The gentleman takes a sip and spits it out.
He turns to the waiter and says, “Waiter! This coffee tastes like mud!”
The waiter, looking surprised, turns to the gentleman and says, “But, sir, it’s fresh ground!”


A kid finds a magical lamp. He rubs the lamp, and a genie appears and says, “What is your first wish?” The kid says, “I wish I were rich!” The genie replies, “It is done! What is your second wish, Rich?”


A guy asks a girl to go to a dance. She agrees, and he decides to rent a suit. The rental has a long line, so he waits and waits, and finally he gets his suit.
He decides to buy flowers, so he goes to the flower shop. The flower shop has a long line, so he waits and waits, until he finally buys flowers.
He picks up the girl and they go to the dance. There is a long line into the dance, so they wait and wait.
Finally, they get into the dance, and the guy offers to get the girl a drink. She asks for punch, so he goes to the drink table, and there is no punch line.


Three friends stranded on a deserted island find a magic lamp. Inside it is a genie who agrees to grant each friend one wish.
“I want to go home,” says the first friend. The genie grants her wish.
“I want to go home, too,” says the second friend. And the genie sends her back home.
“I’m lonely,” says the third friend. “I sure wish my friends were back here.”


While leaving a grocery store, a customer dropped a bag of flour. A Scout ran to pick it up.
“Don’t bother, young man,” said the customer. “It’s self-rising.”


A photon walks into a hotel.
The desk clerk says, “Can we help you with your luggage?”
The photon says, “No, thanks. I’m traveling light.”


A man walks into a library, approaches the librarian and says, “I’ll have a cheeseburger and fries, please.”
The librarian says, “Sir, you know you’re in a library, right?”
“Sorry,” he whispers. “I’ll have a cheeseburger and fries, please.”


The teacher asked little Johnny if he knew his numbers.
“Yes,” he said. “My father taught me.”
“Good. What comes after three?”
“Four,” answered the boy.
“What comes after six?”
“Seven.”
“Very good,” said the teacher. “Your dad did a good job. And what comes after 10?”
“Jack.”


A man takes his sick Chihuahua to the veterinarian. They’re immediately taken back to a room.
Soon, a Labrador walks in, sniffs the Chihuahua for 10 minutes and leaves. Then a cat comes in, stares at the Chihuahua for 10 minutes and leaves. Finally, the doctor
comes in, prescribes some medicine and hands the man a $250 bill.
“This must be a mistake,” the man says. “I’ve been here only 20 minutes!”
“No mistake,” the doctor says. “It’s $100 for the lab test, $100 for the cat scan and $50 for the medicine.”


“Oh, no!” the kangaroo groaned to her friend, the rabbit. “The forecast calls for rain.”
“What’s the problem with that?” asked the rabbit. “We could use some rain.”
“Sure,” the kangaroo said. “But that means my kids will have to play inside all day!”


A man was driving down the road when a policeman stopped him. The officer looked in the back of the man’s truck and said, “Why are these penguins in your truck?”
The man replied, “These are my penguins. They belong to me.”
“You need to take them to the zoo,” the policeman said.
The next day, the officer saw the same guy driving down the road. He pulled him over again. He saw the penguins were still in the truck, but they were wearing sunglasses this time. “I thought I told you to take these penguins to the zoo!” the officer said.
“I did,” the man replied. “And today I’m taking them to the beach.”


A man went to visit a friend and was amazed to find him playing chess with his dog. The man watched the game in astonishment for a while.
“I can hardly believe my eyes!” he said. “That’s the smartest dog I’ve ever seen.”
“He’s not so smart,” the friend replied. “I’ve beaten him three games out of five.”


A man comes home after a hard day’s work and opens the refrigerator
to get a soda. Inside, he sees a squirrel taking a nap.
“What are you doing in my fridge?” the man asks.
The squirrel opens one sleepy eye and says, “Isn’t this a Westinghouse?”
“Um, yes,” the man replies. “It is.”
“Well then,” the squirrel says, shutting his eyes again, “I am twying to west.”


A businessman went into the office and found an inexperienced handyman painting the walls. The handyman was wearing two heavy parkas on a hot summer day.
Thinking this was a little strange, the businessman asked the handyman why he was wearing the parkas on such a hot day.
The handyman showed him the instructions on the can of paint. They read: “For best results, put on two coats.”


A guy asks a lawyer about his fees.
“I charge $50 for three questions,” the lawyer says.
“That’s awfully steep, isn’t it?” the guy asks.
“Yes, I suppose so,” the lawyer replies. “Now what’s your final question?”


A guy is sitting at home when he hears a knock at the door. He opens the door and sees a snail on the porch. He picks up the snail and throws it as far as he can.
A year later, there’s another knock at the door. He opens it and sees the same snail. The snail says, “What was that all about?”


A cruise ship passes by a remote island, and all the passengers see a bearded man running around and waving his arms wildly.
“Captain,” one passenger asks, “who is that man over there?”
“I have no idea,” the captain says, “but he goes nuts every year when we pass him.”

Hilarious Long Jokes

Two chatterboxes can always fall back on hilarious long jokes. It can assist them to forget about all of the problems they’ve been having in life. Perhaps not permanently, but certainly temporarily.

John visited his 90-year-old grandpa who lived way out in the country. On the first morning of the visit, John’s grandpa prepared a breakfast of bacon and eggs. John noticed a film-like substance on his plate, and asked, “Are these plates clean?”
His grandpa replied, “They’re as clean as cold water can get them. Just go ahead and finish your meal.”
For lunch, Grandpa made hamburgers. Again, John was concerned about the plates, as his appeared to have specks of dried egg on it. “Are you sure these plates are clean?” he asked.
Without looking up, Grandpa said, “I told you before, those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them!”
Later, as John was leaving, his grandpa’s dog started to growl and wouldn’t let him pass.
John said, “Grandpa, your dog won’t let me get by!”
Grandpa yelled to the dog, “Cold Water, go lie down!”


Four men are in the hospital waiting room because their wives are having babies. A nurse goes up to the first guy and says, “Congratulations! You’re the father of twins.”
“That’s odd,” answers the man. “I work for the Minnesota Twins!”
A nurse says to the second guy, “Congratulations! You’re the father of triplets!”
“That’s weird,” answers the second man. “I work for the 3M company!”
A nurse tells the third man, “Congratulations! You’re the father of quadruplets!”
“That’s strange,” he answers. “I work for the Four Seasons hotel!”
The last man is groaning and banging his head against the wall. “What’s wrong?” the others ask.
“I work for 7 Up!”


A Mormon and an Irishman are on a plane.
A Mormon was seated next to an Irishman on a flight from London to the US.
After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The Irishman asked for a whiskey, which was promptly brought and placed before him.
The flight attendant then asked the Mormon if he would like a drink. He replied in disgust, “I’d rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips.”
The Irishman then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, “Me, too, I didn’t know we had a choice.”


So there was this man in Bulgaria who drove trains for a living.
He loved his job. Driving a train had been his dream ever since he was a child. He loved to make the train go as fast as possible. Unfortunately, one day he was a little too reckless and caused a crash. He made it out, but a single person died. Well, needless to say, he went to court over this incident. He was found guilty, and was sentenced to death by electrocution. When the day of the execution came, he requested a single banana as his last meal. After eating the banana, he was strapped into the electric chair. The switch was flown, sparks flew, and smoke filled the air – but nothing happened. The man was perfectly fine.
Well, at the time, there was an old Bulgarian law that said a failed execution was a sign of divine intervention, so the man was allowed to go free. Somehow, he managed to get his old job back driving the train. Having not learned his lesson at all, he went right back to driving the train with reckless abandon. Once again, he caused a train to crash, this time killing two people. The trial went much the same as the first, resulting in a sentence of execution. For his final meal, the man requested two bananas. After eating the bananas, he was strapped into the electric chair. The switch was thrown, sparks flew, smoke filled the room – and the man was once again unharmed.
Well, this of course meant that he was free to go. And once again, he somehow managed to get his old job back. To what should have been the surprise of no one, he crashed yet another train and killed three people. And so he once again found himself being sentenced to death. On the day of his execution, he requested his final meal: three bananas.
“You know what? No,” said the executioner. “I’ve had it with you and your stupid bananas and walking out of here unharmed. I’m not giving you a thing to eat; we’re strapping you in and doing this now.” Well, it was against protocol, but the man was strapped in to the electric chair without a last meal. The switch was pulled, sparks flew, smoke filled the room – and the man was still unharmed. The executioner was speechless.
The man looked at the executioner and said, “Oh, the bananas had nothing to do with it. I’m just a bad conductor.”


One day, Einstein has to speak at an important science conference.
On the way there, he tells his driver that looks a bit like him:
“I’m sick of all these conferences. I always say the same things over and over!”
The driver agrees: “You’re right. As your driver, I attended all of them, and even though I don’t know anything about science, I could give the conference in your place.”
“That’s a great idea!” says Einstein. “Let’s switch places then!”
So they switch clothes and as soon as they arrive, the driver dressed as Einstein goes on stage and starts giving the usual speech, while the real Einstein, dressed as the car driver, attends it.
But in the crowd, there is one scientist who wants to impress everyone and thinks of a very difficult question to ask Einstein, hoping he won’t be able to respond. So this guy stands up and interrupts the conference by posing his very difficult question. The whole room goes silent, holding their breath, waiting for the response.
The driver looks at him, dead in the eye, and says:
“Sir, your question is so easy to answer that I’m going to let my driver reply to it for me.”
A man is walking through his local mall and notices a Mexican book store.
He decides to go in because he has never seen a Mexican book store before. He browses through the store and finally asks the clerk, “Do you have the book on Donald Trump’s foreign policies with Mexico?”
The clerk replies, “F*ck you, get out, stay out!” The man replies, “Yeah, that’s the one!”


So the Pope is SUPER early for his flight.
He asks his driver on his way to the airport if he could drive around for a while because they have time to kill and he hasn’t driven a car since becoming the pope.
Naturally, he’s a bit rusty, so he’s driving poorly, when suddenly he sees police lights behind him. He pulls over and when the officer comes up to the window his eyes go wide. He says to the pope “Hold on for a minute,” and goes back to his car to radio the chief.
Cop: “Chief we have a situation. I’ve pulled over an important figure.”
Chief: “How important? A governor or something?”
Cop: “No sir. He’s bigger.”
Chief: “So, what? a celebrity or something?”
Cop: “More important, sir.”
Chief: “A major politician?”
Cop: “No sir, he’s much more important.”
Chief: “WELL WHO IS IT!?”
Cop: “Well actually I’m not sure. But the pope’s his driver.”


A poor man meets a rich man around Christmas.
The poor man asks the rich man, “What are you getting your wife this Christmas?” The rich man replies, “Diamond earrings and a Mercedes.” The poor man asks, “Why are you getting her two gifts?” The rich man says, “Well, if she doesn’t like the earrings then she can drive to the store and exchange them.”
The poor man nods. Then the rich man asks him, “So what are you getting your wife this year?” The poor man thinks about it for a second and replies, “A pair of slippers and a dildo.”
The rich man asks, “Why those two things?” The poor man astutely reponds, “This way, if she doesn’t like the slippers she can go f*ck herself.”


A guy is late for an important meeting.
But he can’t find a place to park. In desperation, he begins to pray. “Please Lord, if you help me find a parking stall right now, I promise to go to church every Sunday and never drink vodka again!” A moment later, he sees a beautiful empty spot right next to the entrance. “Never mind. Found one!”


NASA was preparing for the Apollo project.
When NASA was preparing for the Apollo project, some of the training of the astronauts took place on a Navajo reservation.
One day, a Navajo elder and his son were herding sheep and came across the space crew. The old man, who spoke only Navajo, asked a question that his son translated. “What are these guys in the big suits doing?”
A member of the crew said they were practicing for their trip to the moon. The old man got all excited and asked if he could send a message to the moon with the astronauts. Recognizing a promotional opportunity, the NASA folks found a tape recorder.
After the old man recorded his message, they asked his son to translate it. He refused. The NASA PR people brought the tape to the reservation, where the rest of the tribe listened and laughed, but refused to translate the elder’s message.
Finally, the NASA crew called in an official government translator. His translation of the old man’s message was: “Watch out for these guys; they have come to steal your land.”


Three couples are trying to get married.
Three couples are trying to get married at the same church. There is a young couple, a middle-aged couple, and an elderly couple. The three couples meet with the priest and discuss when they can get married.
“If you wish to get married in my church, you must all go one month without having sex,” says the priest.
One month later the three couples return to the church and talk to the priest. He then asks the elderly couple, “Have you completed the month with sex?”
“Yes we have, it was easy,” replies the elderly couple.
“How about you?” He asks the middle-aged couple.
“It was hard, but we didn’t have sex for the whole month,” they respond.
“And how about you two?” He asks the young couple.
“No we couldn’t do it,” responds the boyfriend.
“Tell me why,” says the priest.
“Well my girlfriend had a can of corn in her hand and she accidentally dropped it. She bent over to pick it up and that’s when it happened.”
The priest then tells them, “You’re not welcome in my church.”
“We’re not welcome in the supermarket either,” says the boyfriend.


The Germans and Americans were reaching a stalemate in WWI.
In World War I there was trench warfare, and neither the Americans nor the Germans could get the upper hand. They were reaching a stalemate. One day, an American came up with a plan that would win them the war. This private explained his plan to his trench mates, and they figured, “Why not? It’s not like we have any better ideas.” The next day, an American soldier called out, “Hans!?” A German popped up and shouted back, “Ja?!” Boom, the German was shot dead. The next day the Americans shouted again, “Hans?!” “Ja?!” Shot dead. This process continued over the next couple of days. The Germans were losing large numbers, and were now finally catching on.
The Germans had an emergency meeting. They thought they could come back from the heavy losses using the same tactics as the Americans. Thus, a German asked, “What is a popular American name?” “John!” replied another. The next day, the Germans decided to execute their plan. A German shouted, “John!?” An American called back, “Is that you Hans?!” “Ja!” And that is how the Americans won WWI.


A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption.
One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named Amal. The other goes to a family in Spain. They name him Juan.
Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Amal.
He responds, “They’re twins! If you’ve seen Juan, you’ve seen Amal.”


The world’s leading expert on European wasps walks into a record shop.
He asks the assistant “Do you have ‘European Vespidae Acoustics Volume 2? I believe it was released this week.”
“Certainly,” replies the assistant. “Would you like to listen before you buy it?”
“That would be wonderful,” says the expert, and puts on a pair of headphones.
He listens for a few moments and says to the assistant, “I’m terribly sorry, but I am the world’s leading expert on European wasps and this is not accurate at all. I don’t recognize any of those sounds. Are you sure this is the correct recording?”
The assistant checks the turntable, and replies that it is indeed European Vespidae Acoustics Volume 2. The assistant apologizes and lifts the needle onto the next track.
Again the expert listens for a few moments and then says to the assistant, “No, this just can’t be right! I’ve been an expert in this field for 43 years and I still don’t recognize any of these sounds.”
The assistant apologizes again and lifts the needle to the next track.
The expert throws off the headphones as soon as it starts playing and is fuming with rage.
“This is outrageous false advertising! I am the world’s leading expert on European wasps and no European wasp has ever made a sound like the ones on this record!”
The manager of the shop overhears the commotion and walks over.
“What seems to be the problem, sir?”
“This is an outrage! I am the world’s leading expert on European wasps. Nobody knows more about them than I do. There is no way in hell that the sounds on that record were made by European wasps!”
The manager glances down and notices the problem instantly.
“I’m terribly sorry, sir. It appears we’ve been playing you the bee side.”


James is walking on a downtown street one day, and he happens to see his old high school friend, Harry, a little ways up ahead. “Harry, Harry, how are you?” he greets his old buddy after getting his attention.
“Not so good,” says Harry.
“Why, what happened?” James queries.
“Well,” Harry says, “I just went bankrupt and I’ve still got to feed my family. I don’t know what I’m going to do.”
“Could have been worse,” James replies calmly. “Could have been worse.”
A month or so later, James again encounters Harry, in a restaurant. “And how are things now?” he asks.
“Terrible!” says Harry. “Our house burned down last night.”
“Could have been worse,” says James, again with total aplomb, and goes about his business.
A month later, James runs into Harry a third time. “Well, how goes it?” he inquires.
“Oh!” says Harry. “Things just get worse and worse. It’s one tragedy after another! Now my wife has left me!”
Harry nods his head and gives his usual optimistic-seeming little smile, accompanied by his usual words: “Could’ve been worse.”
This time, Harry grabs James by the shoulders. “Wait a minute!” he says. “I’m not gonna let you off so easy this time. Three times in the past few months we’ve run into one another, and every time I’ve told you the latest disaster in my life. Every time you say the same thing: ‘Could have been worse.’ This time, for God’s sake, Harry, I want you to tell me: how in Heaven’s name could it have been any worse?”
James looks at Harry with the same little wisp of a smile. “Could have been worse,” he says. “Could have happened to me.”

Profound Long Jokes

“What are the absolute profound long jokes you’ve heard?” Their reactions address demise, reasoning, and religion. A considerable lot of the zingers are remarks on how individuals live or guidelines on how they ought to live.

I have come to a profound realization
And I really need to clean up.


A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed mother and started back toward his car when his attention was diverted to another man kneeling at a grave.
The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept repeating, “Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die?”
The first man approached him and said, “Sir, I don’t wish to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of pain is more than I’ve ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so deeply? A child? A parent?”
The mourner took a moment to collect himself and replied, “My wife’s first husband.”


Barack Obama walks into a bar, but he is invisible. After attracting the bartender’s attention, the bartender says “Ok, I’ll bite. Why are you invisible?”
Obama says “Well, I found a bottle on the beach and…then I rubbed it.” “And then…importantly…A genie came out.” “The genie said I could have…3 wishes.”
For my first wish, I said “Let me say this, and this is profoundly important…I want Michelle to marry me…I love her,…and I think America will love her too.” That wish was granted.
For my second wish, I said “Like all patriotic Americans, I am deeply patriotic…and I want to be President…of the United States…so I can serve my country.” That wish was granted too.
And then, for my third wish, I started by saying “Let me be clear…”


Subject: Chemistry Mid-term
The following is supposedly an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid-term. The answer by one student was so “profound” that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well.
Bonus Question:
Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle’s Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.
One student, however, wrote the following:
First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time.
So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let’s look at the different Religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle’s Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.
This gives two possibilities:
1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.
So which is it?
If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, “it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you, and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number 2 must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct…leaving only Heaven thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting “Oh my God.”
THIS STUDENT RECEIVED THE ONLY “A.”


What are the most profound jokes ever?
A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, “This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you.”
The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, “Which do you want, son?” The boy takes the quarters and leaves.
“What did I tell you?” said the barber. “That kid never learns!”
Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store.
“Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?”
The boy licked his cone and replied, “Because the day I take the dollar, the game is over!”


Two golfers and a priest went out to play a few rounds
The first golfer missed a key swing.
“Damn, I missed!” he said.
The priest scolded him, saying that God would punish him for taking the Lord’s name in vain.
However, it happened again.
“Damn, I missed!”
The priest tutted and reminded him to keep the Lord’s name holy.
Finally, the golfer flubbed again.
“Damn, I missed!”
The heavens opened up and a massive finger pointed through the clouds, igniting a lightning bolt that crackled and blasted… the priest.
As the golfers looked at the dead priest and then looked up at the sky in confusion, a profound voice echoed from above:
DAMN, I MISSED!


So a young man walks into a bar…
and notices a an unfamiliar patron sitting in the corner. This person looks completely normal, except that he has an extremely large, bright orange, spherical head. The young man asks the bartender,
“Do you know that fellow over there?”
“Oh, him? Yeah, that’s Andy.”
“What on earth is wrong with his head? I’ve never seen a deformity or illness that would cause such a thing.”
“It’s quite the story. If you buy him a drink, he’ll tell you.”
So the young man purchases two drinks, and walks over to the corner table. The orange-headed man, noticing him approaching, nods and says, “So, I guess you want to hear my story, huh?”
The young man nods his head, sets the drinks on the table, and sits. After a long pause, the orange-headed man begins:
“It was nearly ten years ago to this day. I was walking on the beach in the early morning, and I stumbled across an odd lamp poking out from under the sand. I brushed it off, and to my amazement, an enormous cloud of fog began to pour from the opening. From the fog emerged a magnificent genie, adorned in fantastic jewels and metals I’ve never before seen. The genie told me that I had three wishes which would be granted to me for freeing him from his prison.
For my first wish, I asked for an infinite fortune, which was instantly granted, my wallet filled with magical cards to purchase anything I’d ever want.
For my second wish, I wished for a beautiful pride who would love me forever. At that moment, the most beautiful woman I had ever laid eyes on emerged from the water, and we were instantly married in a profound bliss.”
The man paused, and then continued,
“For my third wish… and here is where I may have went wrong…”
He pauses thoughtfully, and then continues again,
“For my third wish, I wished for a big orange head.”


A few minutes before the services started, satan appeared at the front of the church
Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.
Soon the church was empty except for one elderly gentleman who sat
calmly in his pew without moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that
God’s ultimate enemy was in his presence.
So Satan walked up to the man and said,
“Do you know who I am?”
The man replied, “Yep, sure do.”
“Aren’t you afraid of me?” Satan asked.
“Nope, sure ain’t.” said the man.
“Don’t you realize I can kill you with one word?” asked Satan.
“Don’t doubt it for a minute,” returned the old man, in an even tone.
“Did you know that I can cause you profound, horrifying AGONY for all eternity?” persisted Satan.
“Yep,” was the calm reply.
“And you are still not afraid?” asked Satan.
“Nope,” said the old man.
More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, “Why aren’t you afraid of me?”
The man calmly replied,
“Been married to your sister for 48 years.”


NSFW A sticky situation
A woman was feeling unwell and went to the doctor. Being profoundly deaf she brought her husband along as an interpreter.
The doctor said ” I think that you’ll be fine but to be on the safe side I will run a few tests…I’ll need urine stool and blood samples and I’ll take a vaginal swab “The woman turned to her husband and asked “what did he say?”
The man shouted back “He wants a pair of your panties “


A manager at Goldman Sachs has this to tell.
Once upon a time in a village, a man announced to the villagers that he would buy monkeys for Rs 10. The villagers, seeing that there were many monkeys around, went out to the forest and started catching them.
The man bought thousands at Rs 10 and as supply started to diminish, the villagers stopped their effort.
He further announced that he would now buy at Rs 20. This renewed the efforts of the villagers and they started catching monkeys again.
Soon the supply diminished even further and people started going back to their farms. The offer rate increased to Rs 25 and the supply of monkeys became so little that it was an effort to even see a monkey, let alone catch it!
The man now announced that he would buy monkeys at Rs 50!
However, since he had to go to the city on some business, his assistant would now buy on behalf of him.
In the absence of the man, the assistant told the villagers, “Look at all these monkeys in the big cage that the man has collected. I will sell them to you at Rs 35 and when the man returns from the city, you can sell it to him for Rs 50.”
The villagers squeezed up with all their savings and bought all the monkeys.
Then they never saw the man nor his assistant, only monkeys everywhere!
Welcome to ‘Goldman Sachs’!


Before my father kicked the bucket he asked me the most profound question…
He said “How far do you think I can kick this bucket?”


A dog told me something profound the other day
I don’t know why but it really spoke to me.


I think the most profound advice my father ever told me was…
“Stop using me in your bullshit stories.”


Why are monks always meditating and relaxed and full of profound thoughts and ideas?
Because they’re single.


Two older male dolphins notice their hairlines are starting to recede.
Dolphins go bald, too. Tough for humans to notice, but dolphins notice… Anyway…
Understandably, they start getting a little down in the dumps recognizing the loss of their youth and feeling a profound sense of their own mortality.
In a moment of clarity, one dolphin says to his buddy, “Hey compadre, we don’t have to just *accept* this as our new normal, ya know? What with modern fashion and technology these days… we can *do* something about this!”
So they went out and bought matching hairpieces. They were toupees in a pod.

Clean Long Jokes

Clean long jokes may be hilarious to you and could easily be your joke of the day. Then, obtain these jokes and observe how everyone reacts to them. The family dinner table is the best place to make the most of it.

My friend once called a few house painters to his house for some work. He wanted them to paint his porch. After a few hours, the house painters came back for the payment as their work was complete. Before leaving they told my friend that they had enjoyed painting his car, but it is not really a Porsche.


There is a skeleton in our neighborhood who always knows that something bad might happen way before it actually happens. He has actually become quite famous and when a TV crew interviewed about the reason behind this ability, the skeleton finally disclosed his secret: he could feel the bad vibes in his bones.


I had visited a cafe one day with my friends. The waiter recommended that we try their special coffee. We agreed and soon the coffee arrived. As we drink the coffee, we realized that it tastes like dirt and mud. Disgusted by the fact, all of us complained immediately. The alarmed waiter rushes over and says, “Well Sir, it was freshly ground coffee!”


A family was having dinner once when the youngest boy asked his father whether worms tasted nice when we eat them. Both the parents reprimanded the little boy and told him that these things shouldn’t be discussed over the dinner table. When the father asked the boy after dinner why he had asked such a question, he replied, “Papa, I think worms taste okay because there was one in your noodles.”


After Sunday church, the priest would hand us each an orange and a big cookie. A little girl once lied and took two oranges, but the priest told her she mustn’t lie because God is watching. Then, the girl took two cookies and lied about it. When asked why she had done that, she said because she thought that God was only watching oranges.


Once during an adventure, a farmer named Bryan Clay stumbled into a cave and found a magic lamp. Upon rubbing the lamp, a Genie appeared and asked him what his wish was. The farmer told him that he wished he were very rich. The Genie said okay and asked him, “Alright Mr Very Rich Clay, what is your second wish?”


I went to this haunted house for exploration. It was near the forest so the local guide warned me that I might find some animals there. Sure enough, there was a panda. When I offered it some food, I was taken aback because it suddenly started talking. Turned out that it was a ghost panda and it only ate bam-booooo!


As a group of robbers entered the bank, their leader went to the manager and asked him to open the vault. He threatened the manager by saying, “If you try to do anything smart, you’re fiction.” The manager was confused and asked him, “Don’t you mean ‘You are history’?” The robber angrily replied back, “Do not change the subject, okay?”


I was in the library once when a man walked in asking for some ham and cheese. The librarian politely told him that he was in a library. The man first apologized and then whispered to the librarian, “Can I please have some ham and cheese?”


I was in my garden when I got the news that my father had fallen from a 20 feet ladder and was in the hospital. I rushed to the hospital expecting that my father had some major fractures, but he was alright except for some minor cuts. When I told him that it was a miracle, he disagreed and told me, “Son, I had just fallen from the first step of the ladder.”


After a prolonged drought when the rain came, all the animals in the forest were happy except the Kangaroo. When the others asked him what the reason was for such sadness, the Kangaroo revealed that the rain meant that all its kids would now be playing inside.


I was visiting the house of a distant cousin when I saw that he was playing chess with his cat. I said that it had to be the most intelligent cat ever. My cousin replied, “Absolutely not! She has lost all her matches!”


My brother came back from school all motivated because he said he would be following a new diet from that day. We didn’t really give it much thought until my brother really started eating his homework for dinner. When we stopped him and asked why he was doing that, he replied, “I was just trying to see how it tasted because my teacher said that the homework would be a piece of cake for me.”

Dirty Long Jokes

Dirty long jokes would be entertaining at an adult gathering. You’ll notice a lot of smirking faces and people looking around to pretend they’re not shy. It’s even more difficult for the person telling the joke.

After a long day, a nun goes for a bath ….
Ten minutes in there’s a knock on the door. She looks around to grab her towel but must have left it in the bedroom. She peeps out the window to see who has called.
”Who’s there” she yells
“Hi Sister Kathleen, it’s the blind man” is the response
“He’s probably looking for some coins to feed himself” she muses.
Despite the warmth and relaxation of the bath, Sister Kathleen is a woman of God. She will always help her brethren in need.
“One minute” she shouts…” I’m on my way”
She grabs some coins from her bedroom table but her towel is nowhere to be seen
“Sure feck it” she says.
“He’s blind, he won’t see much”
So she opens the door, coins in hand. As naked as the day she was born…..
Her visitor looks at her and smiles ……
“Nice tits love, where do you want me to hang the blinds”


Tom had been in the liquor business for 25 years. Finally, sick of the stress, he quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Alaska, as far from humanity as possible.
He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it’s total peace and quiet. After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door. He opens it, and a huge, bearded man is standing there. “Name’s Lars, your neighbor from forty miles up the road. Having a Christmas party Friday night, thought you might like to come. About 5:00.” “Great”, says Tom, “after six months out here I’m ready to meet some local folks. Thank you.” As Lars is leaving, he stops. “Gotta warn you … be some drinkin.” “Not a problem” says Tom. “After 25 years in the business, I can drink with the best of ‘em.” Again, the big man starts to leave and stops. “More ‘n’ likely gonna be some fightin’ too.” “Well, I get along with people, I’ll be all right. I’ll be there, thanks again.” “More’n likely be some wild sex, too.” “Now that’s really not a problem,” says Tom, warming to the idea. “I’ve been all alone for six months! I’ll definitely be there. By the way, what should I wear?” “Don’t much matter … just gonna be the two of us.”


A man walks into a restaurant with an emu by his side.
The waitress asks for their orders. The man says: “A burger, chips and a coke, please.”
He then turns to the emu and nods. “I’ll have the same,” says the emu.
A short time later the waitress returns with the order and says: “That will be £14.40 please.” The man reaches into his pocket and, without looking, pulls out the exact change for payment.
The next day, the man and the emu go to the restaurant again and the man says: “A burger, chips and a coke, please.”
The emu says: “I’ll have the same.”
Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.
This becomes routine until one night they enter the restaurant and the waitress asks: “The usual?”
“No, this is Friday night, so I will have a ribeye steak, baked potato and salad,” says the man. “Me too,” says the emu.
The waitress brings the order and says “That will be £32.60.”
Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.
The waitress can’t hold back her curiosity any longer and says:
“Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?”
“Well,” says the man, “Several years ago I was cleaning my house and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a genie appeared and offered me two wishes.
My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.”
“That’s brilliant!” says the waitress. “Most people would wish for a million pounds or something, but you’ll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!”
“That’s right. Whether it’s a liter of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there,” says the man.
The waitress asks: “But, sir, what’s with the emu?”
The man sighs and answers: “My second wish was for a tall bird with long legs who agrees with everything I say.”


Two snakes bump into each other after a long time
After intial pleasantries one snake confesses that he is struggling with his failing eyesight.
The other snake suggests an eye doctor who he is sure can help the other snake improve his eye sight. They exchange addresses and part ways.
After few weeks they bump into one another again.
Snake 1- You look much better! Did you see the eye doctor and was he able to help you?
Snake 2- Yes! Your advice was like a blessing. The doctor helped me correct my eye sight. I can see better, hunt better and my sex life has improved dramatically!
Snake 1- sex life?
Snake 2- Yes! Sex life! After my improved eyesight I realized that my girlfriend of 2 years was actually a water pipe.


I think you’ll like this joke, even though it’s a little long
An Elderly Irish lady visits her physician
To ask his advice on reviving her husband’s libido.
“What about trying Viagra?” asked the doctor.
“Not a chance” she replied. “He won’t even take an aspirin”.
“Not a problem,” said the doctor. “Give him an Irish Viagra.”
“What on Earth is Irish Viagra?” she asked.
“It’s Viagra dissolved in his morning cup of coffee. He won’t even taste it. Let me know how it goes,” he said.
She called the doctor the very next afternoon. “How did it go?” he asked.
“Oh faith, bejaysus and begorrah, doctor, it was terrible. Just horrid, I tell ya! I’m beside meself!”
“Oh, no! What in the world happened?”
“Well, I did the deed, Doctor, just as you advised. I put the Viagra in his morning coffee, and he drank it. Well, you know, it took effect almost immediately, and he jumped straight up out of his chair with a smile on his face, a twinkle in his eye and his pants a-bulging. Then, with one fierce swoop of his arm, he sent the cups, saucers, and everything else that was on the table flying across the room, ripped me clothes to tatters and passionately took me then and there, right on top of the table. T’was a nightmare, I tell ya, an absolute nightmare!”
“Why so terrible?” asked the doctor. “Wasn’t the sex good?”
“Freakin jaysus, it was the best sex I’ve had in me last 25 years, but sure as I’m sittin’ here, Doctor…
I’ll never be able to show me face in Starbucks again!”


Steve with 25 inch Long penis to God: I can’t live with this long penis.
God: Go to that Lake,
You will find a Female Frog. Ask her to marry you,
she’ll say No & you will Lose 5 inch.
Steve Went & asked the Frog : will you marry me?
Frog : No
He Lost 5 inches.
He thought 20 inch is still Long.
So he asked again : will you marry Me?
Frog: No
He Lost 5 inches More.
He thought 15 inch is Great,
But 10 inches is Ideal
So Steve asked again : will you marry me?
Frog: How many times do I have to tell u?
NO! NO! NO!


How long does it take Putin’s mom to take a shit?
9 Months.


A man is in a long line at the grocery store
A man is in a long line at the grocery store. As he got to the register he realized he had forgotten to get condoms. So he asked the checkout girl if she could have some condoms brought up to the register. She asked, “What size condoms?” The customer replied that he didn’t know. She asked him to drop his pants. He did, she reached over the counter, grabbed hold of him, then picked up the store intercom and said “One box of large condoms to register 10.”
The next man in line thought this was interesting and, like most of us, up for a cheap thrill. When he got to the register, he told the checker that he too had forgotten to get condoms, and asked if she could have some brought up to the register. She asked him what size, and he stated that he didn’t know. She asked him to drop his pants. He did, she gave him a quick feel, picked up the store intercom and said, “One box of medium sized condoms to register 10.”
A few customers back was this teen-aged boy. He thought what he had witnessed was way too kewl. He had never had any type of sexual contact with a live female, so he thought this was his chance. When he got up to the register, he told the checker he needed some condoms. She asked him what size, and he said he didn’t know. She asked him to drop his pants and he did. She reached over the counter, gave him one quick squeeze, then picked up the intercom and said, “Clean up at register 10!”


Two pilots are dead and brave passengers break down the door to take control of the plane. They get on to air traffic control who guide them….
“Ok stay calm…now do you see those 3 switches located on main panel?”
“Yes, yes!!!”
“Ok make sure they are all switched to ‘on’”
“Ok, ok!!”
Passengers are sweating with panic…
“You see the dial above the copilots head?”
“Yes, yes!!”
“Make sure it is rotated 90 degrees clockwise”
The passengers follow the order ….
“Ok it’s done!!!!”
More instructions from ATC…
“Now the blue button on the left hand panel…make sure that is engaged”
“Ok, ok I think it’s done” sweats the passenger
“Good. Now slide the red lever 50% northwards”
The passengers are in a state of flux but coping….
After 5 or 6 minutes of intense conversation and instructions, air traffic control declare…
“Ok, I think we’re going to be ok……
……you’re all clear to take off”


A Captain in the foreign legion was transferred to a desert outpost. On his orientation tour he noticed a very old, seedy looking camel tied out back of the enlisted men’s barracks. He asked the Sergeant leading the tour, “What’s the camel for?”
The Sergeant replied, “Well sir it’s a long way from anywhere, and the men have natural sexual urges, so when they do, uh, we have the camel.”
The captain said, “Well if it’s good for morale, then I guess it’s all right with me.”
After he had been at the fort for about 6 months the captain could not stand it any more so he told his Sergeant, “BRING IN THE CAMEL!!!”
The sarge shrugged his shoulders and led the camel into the captain’s quarters. The captain got a footstool and proceeded to have vigorous sex with the camel. As he stepped, satisfied, down from the stool, and was buttoning his pants he asked the Sergeant, “Is that how the enlisted men do it?”
The Sergeant replied, “Well sir, they usually just use it to ride to town and pick up women…”


A guy and his monkey walk into a bar
The monkey jumps on the counter and gobbles up a bowl of peanuts.
The bartender asked the guy, “Did you see what your monkey just did?”
The guy replied, “Yeah, he does that all the time. He’s always hungry. I’ll pay for the peanuts”, and hands the bartender a buck. The bartender clinks a couple of pennies as change onto the counter, which the monkey promptly grabs and swallows.
The guy said, “Oh he eats random things all the time”.
As if on cue, the monkey jumps onto the pool table and stuffs the cue ball down his throat. Sighing, the man brings out his wallet.
The next week, the man and his monkey go back to the bar. This time, the monkey sees cherries on the counter. He grabs one, rams it up his buttcrack, removes it and eats it.
Disgusted, the bartender asks the guy, “Did you see what your monkey just did?”
The guy says, “Yeah, ever since he had to shit out that cue ball he ate last time, he’ll be darned if he doesn’t measure everything first”.


George Washington and his men are looking for a place to stay one night after a long fight against the British…
After marching through the woods for some hours, they find a farm. Washington knocks on the door and the farmer answers. Washington says “excuse me sir, I’m sorry to bother you. My men and I have been fighting the British all day, and are very tired. Can you put us up for the night?” The farmer looks around and says “well I only have room for one of you.” Washington looks around at his 100 men, and points to a young soldier.
“Peters, you were wounded badly in that last battle and kept fighting. You deserve it. Step inside.” Peters steps up, and stays with the farmer for the night. Now without their buddy Peters, the men feel as depressed as ever, and have no place to stay. Washington and his battered soldiers continue marching.
Eventually they find a brothel. Washington knocks on the door excitedly and the head mistress answers. “Excuse me ma’am, my men and I have been fighting the British all day, and are very tired. Can you put us up for the night? We can pay.” The mistress closes the door for a moment. She excitedly turns around to all the prostitutes. “It’s been months of no business girls, no men and no action, but we have a whole caravan of handsome young soldiers to service here! Get ready!” The girls giggle excitedly and begin to primp for all the soldiers, having gone months with no business.
The mistress opens the door and says to George “we’d be happy to put you up! How many of you are there?” Washington turns around and looks at his men, and says “well, 99 without Peters.” The mistress says,
“You’ve gotta be shitting me.”


Little long, but might be worth it
There once was a lady who was hearing impaired, A man had asked her to go canoeing on the river. As they were on the river they get to the fork and the man says “do you wanna go up or down?” She exclaims!!! “OH My” pulls down her pants and they proceed to get it on. The next day he again asks if she would like to go canoeing, she says yes, again when they get to the fork he asks ” do you wanna go up or down? again she!! Exclaims OH MY pulls down her pants and they get it on again. The man was so excited that they went canoeing many times after. Then one day He buys her a set of hearing aids. Quickly she puts them in and he asks her to go canoeing, of course she says yes. They get to the fork in the river and he asks “Do you want to go up or down? expecting the same when she!!! Exclaims OH My all this time I thought you said you wanna fuck or drown.


What’s long, hard, and has cum in the middle?
A cucumber.


MEN’S HELP LINE – Letter of the Month
Hi John,
I really need your advice on a serious problem: I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs: if the phone rings and I answer, the caller hangs up; she goes out with the girls a lot. I try to stay awake to look out for her when she comes home but I usually fall asleep. Anyway last night about midnight I hid in the shed behind the boat. When she came home she got out of someone’s car buttoning her blouse, then she took her panties out of her purse and slipped them on. It was at that moment crouched behind the boat that I noticed a hairline crack in the outboard engine mounting bracket. Is that something I can weld or do I need to replace the whole bracket?

Long Jokes for Adults

Long jokes for adults can be a pressure reliever. Everyone enjoys telling the one joke that makes the entire room laugh, but it is a difficult task. Especially for grown-ups as they don’t want to embarrass themselves.

A woman is walking through the park when she sees a very attractive man sitting on a park bench. He’s reading a book and eating some fruit out of a Tupperware container. Slowly the woman gathers the courage to go ask the man out. So, she walks over and takes a seat next to him on the bench, turns to him and says, “Sorry to bother you. I know this may be a little forward but I would love to grab coffee with you some time.”
Flattered, the man responds, “Sure… but what makes you so certain you and I would get along so well?”
“Well,” the woman says, “I noticed you’re reading Mark Twain. I was a communications major in university and I actually wrote my thesis on Mark Twain, how he used satire as a lens to comment on current events of the time, comparing him to satirical news sources of today. He’s my favorite author”
Now the man is taken aback, “Get out of here. I was an English major in university! I specialized in 19th century American literature, this is like my fourth or fifth time reading Tom Sawyer, I absolutely love Mark Twain.”
They both can’t believe it, this has got to be a match made in heaven. “Ok,” the woman says, “well, buckle up because here’s the icing on the cake. I noticed you’re eating a prune. Prunes are my absolute favorite fruit. When I was a kid, my grandfather lived on a farm and grew them. They’re my favorite fruit! I love prunes, you’re eating a prune, this has got to be fate. What do you say?”
The man puts down his fruit and responds, “It’s a date.”


What is long, hard, and thick when it goes in but short, soft, and thin when it comes out?
Bubble gum.


Why did the chicken cross the road, has been one of the most famous & long running joke and we all wonder why.
Well, because it has legs.


My Mum’s instinctual answer to a crossword clue made for a great joke: “A useless object, 3 letters long, begins and ends with D”
Dad.


A 90 year old man was being interviewed on the secret to long life
The TV cameras were rolling as he was explaining that his secret to long life was to never drink or chase loose women, when the back bedroom door opened and a barely dressed young woman ran out and grabbed an ice tray from the fridge.
A bellow from the back room came, “Woman, get back here!” The woman giggled and said, “Coming, big boy” and nodded at the cameras as she disappeared back into the bedroom.
“Who is that?”, asked the newsman.
“Oh that’s dad, drunk as usual.”


What is long, green and smells like bacon?
Kermit the frogs fingers.


Easter – Shout out to Judas for the long weekend!
I hadn’t heard this before – a punchline 2000 years in the making…


I’ve been stuck in this cucumber costume so long…
That now I’m in a pickle…


I picked up this thing that almost instantly cured my life long habit of picking scabs.
Herpes.


A doctor was addressing a large audience in Oxford “The materials we put into our stomach should have killed most of us sitting here, years ago.
. Red meat is full of steroids and dye. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High transfat diets can be disastrous and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. But… There is one thing that is the more dangerous to all us and most of us have had it, or will have it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?”
After several seconds of quiet, a 70-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, “Wedding Cake”.


How long does it take a Russian tank to drive from Moscow to Kyiv?
Depends how many people are pushing.


My husband and I were dressed and ready to go out for a lovely evening of dinner and theatre.
Having been burgled in the past, we turned on a ‘night light’ and the security camera , then put the cat in the backyard. When our cab arrived, we walked out our front door and our rather tubby cat scooted between our legs inside, then ran up the stairs. Because our cat likes to chase our budgie we really didn’t want to leave them unchaperoned so my husband ran inside to retrieve her and put her in the back yard again.
Because I didn’t want the taxi driver to know our house was going to be empty all evening, Iexplained to him that my husband would be out momentarily as he was just bidding goodnight to my mother. A few minutes later he got into the cab all hot and bothered, and said (to my growing horror and amusement) as the cab pulled away.
“Sorry it took so long but the stupid bitch was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her arse with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off so I grabbed her by the neck and wrapped her in a blanket so she wouldn’t scratch me like she did last time. But it worked! I hauled her fat arse down the stairs and threw her into the backyard….she had better not shit in the vegetable garden again.”


After 65 years of marriage, my grandpa still calls grandma “honey”, “sweetie”, “baby”, and “sugar”. I asked him for the secret to keep love alive so long.
He said “i forgot her name 10 years ago, and I’m afraid to ask.”


My buddy got arrested on drug charges and because it was his first offense, he thought he would get off lightly, but it turned out his lawyer was one of the worst in the state and ended up botching his case, so instead of getting a short term, he ended up getting 40 years without parole!!
Man, that sentence was way too long!


George Bush the Younger noticed a man in a long flowing white robe in an airport lobby
The man had a staff in one hand and some stone tablets under the other arm. George bush the Younger approached the man and inquired, “Aren’t you Moses.” The man ignored him and stared at the ceiling. Bush the younger positioned himself more directly in the man’s view and asked again, “Aren’t you Moses?” The man continued to peruse the ceiling. Bush the Younger tugged at the man’s sleeve and asked once again, “Aren’t you Moses?” The man finally responded in an irritated voice, “Yes I am.” Bush the Younger asked him why he was ignoring him. Moses replied, “The last time I spoke to a Bush I had to spend forty years in the desert!”

Long Jokes for Kids

Long jokes for kids make sense because they enjoy listening to stories. They can laugh at the silliest and most out-of-date jokes over and over again. Few jokes can put a grin on their faces undoubtedly.

One day a man with an elephant walks into a movie theater.
“I’m afraid I can’t let your elephant in here, sir,” the manager says.
“Oh, I assure you, he’s very well behaved,” the man says.
“All right then,” the manager says. “If you’re sure. …”
After the movie, the manager says to the man, “I’m very surprised! Your elephant was well behaved, and he even seemed to enjoy the movie!”
“Yes, I was surprised, too,” says the man. “He hated the book.”


One day Max went to see Carl. Carl had a big swollen nose.
“Whoa, what happened, Carl?” Max asked.
“I sniffed a brose,” Carl replied.
“What?” Max said. “There’s no ‘b’ in rose!”
Carl replied, “There was in this one!”


A prince was put under a spell so that he could speak only one word each year. If he didn’t speak for two years, the following year he could speak two words and so on.
One day, he fell in love with a beautiful lady. He refrained from speaking for two whole years so he could call her “my darling.” But then he wanted to tell her he loved her, so he waited three more years.  At the end of these five years, he wanted to ask her to marry him, so he waited another four years.
Finally, as the ninth year of silence ended, he led the lady to the most romantic place in the kingdom and said, “My darling, I love you! Will you marry me?”
And the lady said, “Pardon?”


A boy read a restaurant sign that advertised fat-free French fries.
“Sounds great,” said the health-conscious boy. He ordered some.
He watched as the cook pulled a basket of fries from the fryer. The potatoes were dripping with oil when the cook put them into the container.
“Wait a minute,” the boy said. “Those don’t look fat-free.”
“Sure they are,” the cook said. “We charge only for the potatoes. The fat is free!”


Two friends are walking their dogs — a Dalmatian and a Chihuahua — when they smell something delicious coming from a nearby restaurant.
The guy with the Dalmatian says, “Let’s get something to eat.”
But the guy with the Chihuahua says, “We can’t go in there, we have dogs with us.”
So the first guy says, “Just follow my lead.” He puts on a pair of sunglasses and walks into the restaurant.
“Sorry,” says the owner, “no pets allowed.”
“But this is my seeing-eye dog,” the guy with the Dalmatian says.
“A Dalmatian?”
“Yes, they’re using them now.”
The owner says, “Very well, then, come on in.”
The guy with the Chihuahua repeats the process and gets the same response from the owner: “Sorry, pal, no pets allowed.”
“But this is my seeing-eye dog,” says the second guy.
“A Chihuahua?” asks the incredulous owner.
“A Chihuahua?!,” says the man in the dark glasses. “They gave me a Chihuahua?!”


A snail goes to buy a car. The salesman is surprised when the snail picks out a fast, expensive sports car. He’s even more surprised when the snail requires that a big red “S” be painted on both sides.
“Why would you want such a thing?” asked the salesman.
The snail replied, “I want people to say, ‘Look at that S car go!’”


Three men are in the middle of a desert when their car breaks down. For their hike to town, they each decide to take one thing with them.
One man takes a jug of water. The second man takes a sandwich. The last man takes one of the car doors.
The first man says to the last man: “I’m bringing the water because if I get thirsty, I can take a drink. And it makes sense to bring a sandwich in case we get hungry, but why bring a car door?”
The last man replies, “If I get hot, I can just roll down the window.”


A guy goes door to door looking for work. One homeowner hands him a brush and a can of paint and offers him $150 to paint his porch.
A few hours later, the guy comes back to the homeowner and says, “I’m finished. But you should know that your car’s a Ferrari, not a Porsche.”


In my neighborhood, there was a couple who had given their twin sons very weird names. One was named Trouble, while the other boy’s name was Mind Your Own Business. So, one day they were playing hide and seek. Mind Your Business counted to a hundred and then started looking for his brother. But, somehow he couldn’t find him anywhere. He saw a police car passing the neighborhood, so he stopped it to ask for help. When the police officer asked him for his name, he replied, “Mind Your Own Business!” Feeling insulted, the police officer still asked politely who he was looking for. Mind Your Own Business replied, “I am looking for Trouble!”


The historians had gathered for a party in Cairo after they had discovered a new mummy. The discovered mummy, on display at the party hall, suddenly woke up. Seeing the historians alarmed, the mummy said that he just wanted to listen to some music. The mummy said, “Please don’t play jazz because my trom-bones are in a very bad shape. Could someone please put on some wrap music?”


A food critic visits a local restaurant to review its food for the town magazine. The owner welcomes him and shows him to the table. The food is presented to him and after a while, the critic calls the owner to say that there is something missing in his bowl of soup. The owner asks whether it is too spicy or sweet or salty. When the food critic says no, the owner decides to taste the soup himself but he can’t find the spoon. “Yeah,” says the critic, “that’s what is missing.”


I was once passing through a town in England when this lady stopped me because she needed help fixing her car that had broken down. As I was fixing the car, the lady would cross the road and shout “Hello” at me. This happened a few times as the lady found it really amusing. I would have thought that it was very weird had I not realized that it was the singer Adele.


For a high school dance, the head boy asked out the girl he liked. To get flowers for her, he had to stand in a line outside the florist for an hour. To make things worse, he had to wait another hour in a line outside the tuxedo shop. Finally, he goes to the dance with the girl. The girl wanted to have some apple punch so the boy went to get it, but to his surprise, there was no punch line.


I was in a barbershop when a man and his young son walked in to get a haircut. The man asked the barber to give his son a haircut while he shopped for groceries nearby. The barber finished giving the haircut but there was no sign of the father. An hour passed, two hours passed. We finally asked the son where his father was. The boy shocked us by saying, “That man was not my father. He just told me that if I wanted to get a free haircut at the barbershop, I should come with him.”


Once, a mosquito walked into a clinic. The doctor saw him and asked him what the matter was. The mosquito said that he had a lot of problems. He was not happy with his life, he was not happy with the job he was doing. He was sad and had no motivation. The doctor listened to his problems and told him that he should really visit a therapist instead of a doctor. The mosquito replied, “Yeah, I know. I just came in because of the blood.”

Funniest Long Jokes

The funniest long jokes should be saved for days when you’re feeling down. Sometimes in life, you’ll come across someone who feels the need to make you wait a few minutes before they get to the punchline.

A doctor is taking a joyride down a long country road.
He doesn’t pay attention to his speed and eventually passes a police officer that was hidden behind some trees with a radar gun. The officer immediately pulls the guy over and approaches the car. He asks the guys for his license and registration. When he looks at the guy’s license he notices he a doctor. The officer says, “I see on your license that you’re a doctor. Do you mind if I ask what kind of doctor are you?”
The guy says, “Sure, I’m actually a doctor that specializes in asshole stretching”.
The officer, clearly in disbelief says, “Asshole stretching? You’re joking, right?”
The doctor assures him, “I’m serious, I’ve been stretching assholes for over 20 years. There is no doctor better at it than me.”
The officer replies in shock, “How do you stretch an asshole?”
The doctor says, “Well, you start by sticking one finger in. After you work it around a bit, you get a second finger in. You keep working it until you get two fingers of the other hand in there. After a while, you’ll have both hands in and then you can really start stretching it. If you work it long enough, you can even stretch it 5 or 6 feet!”
The officer, now with a confused look on his face says, “Jesus Christ, what in the hell would anyone do with a 6-foot asshole?”
The doctor says, “Give it a badge and a radar gun and have it hide behind trees writing tickets!”


What’s Irish and stays outside all year long?
Paddy O’Furniture.


I asked my cellmate how long he’s in for.
He said, “Until I ejaculate.”


I know a guy who acts in pornography movies all day long.
You could say he’s what you call a “Working Stiff.”


How long should a celebration be?
I reckon about yay long


A long fish story
An ichthyology student walks into a bar and orders a beer. “How are the studies going?” the bartender asks. “Really great. In fact, right now I’m working on my thesis to explain why koi fish always swim in groups of four,” the student replies. “Why do they do that?” the bartender asks. “Well, in the wild, if a group of four koi are attacked by a predator, the odds are good that let’s say the A koi, the B koi, and the C koi will all escape to reproduce and live another day,” the student says. “Because the predator will always go for the D koi.”


My girlfriend and I just transitioned to a long distance relationship
Or as she likes to call it, a “restraining order”


What do you call a caveman who goes on long, wandering walks?
A Meanderthal.


For a long time, I was told I should weigh myself naked, because it’s the most accurate way of measuring my weight.
If that’s true, I still don’t get why I was kicked out of the pharmacy.


On the first day, God created the dog…
God said, “Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of 20 years.”
The dog said, “That’s a long time to be barking. How about only 10 years and I’ll give you back the other 10?”
So God agreed.
On the second day, God created the monkey and said, “Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I’ll give you a 20-year life span.”
The monkey said, “Monkey tricks for 20 years? That’s a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back 10 like the dog did?”
And God agreed.
On the third day, God created the cow and said, “You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer’s family. For this, I will give you a life span of 60 years.”
The cow said, “That’s kind of a tough life you want me to live for 60 years. How about 20 and I’ll give back the other 40?”
And God agreed again.
On the fourth day, God created humans and said, “Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I’ll give you 20 years.”
But the human said, “Only 20 years? Could you possibly give me my 20, the 40 the cow gave back, the 10 the monkey gave back, and the 10 the dog gave back? That makes 80, okay?”
“Okay,” said God. “You asked for it.”
So that is why for our first 20 years, we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next 40 years, we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next 10 years, we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last 10 years, we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.


Little long, but it’s funny.
Ole is a farmer in Minnesota. He needs a new milk cow, and hears about one for sale over in Nordakota. (That would be North Dakota for you non-Scandahoovians out der.)
He drives to Nordakota, finds the farm and looks at the cow. He reaches under to see if she gives milk. When he grabs the tit and pulls, the cow farts. Ole is surprised.
He looks at the farmer selling the cow, then reaches under the cow to try again. He grabs another tit, pulls, and the cow farts again. Milk does come out however, so after some discussion, Ole buys the cow and takes her home.
He gets back to Minnesota, and calls over his neighbor Jimmy Mooney, and says, “Jimmy, come look at dis ere new cow I yust bought. Pull her tit, and see vat happens.”
So Jimmy reaches under, pulls the tit – and the cow farts.
Jimmy looks at Ole and sez, “You bought dis here cow in Nordakota, din’t yah?”
Ole is surprised since he hadn’t told Jimmy about his trip. Ole replies, “Yah, dats right. But how’d yah know?”
Jimmy says, “My wife’s from Nordakota


Did you know that antivaxxers don’t last as long in bed?
Especially if the bed is in a hospital.


In Florence, a young woman, somewhat of a simpleton, was on the point of delivering a baby. She had long been enduring acute pain, and the midwife, candle in hand, inspected her secret area, in order to ascertain if the child was coming. “Look also on the other side,” said the poor creature, “my husband has sometimes taken that road.”


A young man was lost wandering in a forest, when he came upon a small house.
He knocked on the door and was greeted by an ancient Chinese man with a long, grey beard. “I’m lost,” said the man. “Can you put me up for the night?”
“Certainly,” the Chinese man said, “but on one condition. If you so much as lay a finger on my daughter, I will inflict upon you the three worst Chinese tortures known to man.”
“Ok,” said the man, thinking that the daughter must be pretty old as well, and entered the house.
Before dinner, the daughter came down the stairs. She was young, beautiful, and had a fantastic figure.
She was obviously attracted to the young man since she couldn’t keep her eyes off him during the meal.
Remembering the old man’s warning, he ignored her and went up to bed alone.
But during the night, he could bear it no longer, and snuck into her room for a night of passion.
He was careful to keep everything quiet so the old man wouldn’t hear. Near dawn he crept back to his room, exhausted, but happy.
He woke in the morning with the feel of pressure on his chest. Opening his eyes he saw a large rock on his chest with a note on it that read, “Chinese Torture 1: Large rock on chest.”
“Well, that’s pretty crappy,” he thought. “If that’s the best the old man can do then I don’t have much to worry about.”
He picked the boulder up, walked over to the window and threw the boulder out. As he did so he noticed another note on it that read: “Chinese Torture 2: Rock tied to left testicle.”
In a panic he glanced down and saw the rope that was already getting close to the end.
Figuring that a few broken bones was better than castration, he jumped out of the window after the boulder.
As he plummeted downward he saw a large sign on the ground that read, “Chinese Torture 3: Right testicle tied to bedpost.”


George and Ted are showering after a workout when George notices that Ted’s penis is about nine inches long.
“You were lucky to be blessed with such a huge penis!” says George.
“I wasn’t blessed,” replies Ted. “I had to work for it. I did it by masturbating once every day for two years, using butter as a lubricant. I know it sounds crazy, but this thing used to be only five inches long!”
“That sound interesting,” says George. “I’m willing to try it.”
A month later, they meet at the gym again. During their shower, George shows Ted that his penis has actually shrunk and is now two inches long.
“I don’t understand,” he says. “I’ve been very careful to masturbate once every day, and I even started doing it twice on Tuesdays and thrice on Thursdays.”
“Did you use butter like I told you?”
“Actually, I was out of butter when you told me your method, so I used Crisco instead. I liked it so much I used it as a lubricant ever since.”
Ted shakes his head. “You idiot. Crisco is shortening.”

Long Jokes and Puns

Every phrase perfectly depicts an angry man with exaggerated actions, and a loud tone. Long puns and jokes can be used with these people to make them laugh anywhere and at any time.

Hundreds of Russians are outside a bank,
Grumbling about waiting hours in a long queue to make a withdrawal.
Suddenly one says ” I’ve had enough of this, I’m going to shoot Putin!”


He returns five hours later to the queue and his mate says ” did you kill him?”
He said ”no the queue was too long”


After so long of Hell being just too hot…
The inhabitants decide to steal a/c units from Heaven and install them, making the place a little more comfortable. When the inhabitants of Heaven learn what’s been done, they lash out in outrage. “How dare you! We’ll sue you!” they cried.
To which Hell’s residents replied: “You can try, sure, but where are you guys gonna find a lawyer?”


The blonde’s computer password had to be eight characters long and include at least one capital
So she made it “MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofyAlbany.”


In Feudal Japan, 2 Samurai families are constantly at war…
One day, the eldest sons of the two Families got together and decided to put a stop to all the fighting and bloodshed between their clans. To the dismay of their closest relatives and companions, the two announce that they had agreed – they were going to have a duel to the death. The winner would bring his family glory, and the other family would be forced to leave the territory for good.
The night before the duel, the Father of one clan approached his son and asked him why he decided to do this. Surely there was another way. The son responded he could no longer stand the fighting, and would rather die than deal with it any longer.
Besides, he was older and knew he could easily best the eldest son of the opposing clan. He also had a superior disarming technique and could quickly end it all. He was certain of his victory.
He continued to meditate and focus until the very moment of the duel. He could practically visualize the battle. He knew his opponents every move- he had spied on the past training sessions of his rookie opponent, and knew his every weakness. He was ready.
When the time came, he donned his gear and made his way to the Arena. They approached each other from opposing ends. They stopped. Both bowed low in respect.
Then as they lifted their heads back up, it was a flurry of sparks and slashes as the two went head to head.
Such a display of combative grace had never been seen before. Both were clearly masters of their craft. As they continued to exchange blows, the older of the two saw his opening and struck.
The younger fighter’s sword hand had been lost. However, at that very moment the sword spun in a way that cut off both legs of the older fighter, dropping him to the floor in a splatter of blood.
The younger fighter reached down and picked his sword back up with his left hand and finished his downed opponent in a quick display of mercy.
Later, as the Heads of both clans met to sign their peace treaty, the Father of the older fighter approached the younger fighter. He told him that he held no animosity toward him – he fought valiantly to the very end. He only blamed his own son’s foolishness, and as he walked away he muttered sadly to himself…
“I just don’t understand where he went wrong. He was supposed to be the greatest Samurai of our time…”
To which the younger fighter responds:
“He was indeed an excellent fighter, but while he was focused on disarming me, I simply focused on de-feeting him.”


Dr. Mike had sex with one of his patients and felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he just couldn’t.
The guilt and sense of betrayal were overwhelming. But every once in a while he’d hear an internal, reassuring voice in his head that said: “Mike, don’t worry about it. You aren’t the first medical practitioner to sleep with one of your patients, and you won’t be the last. And you’re single. Just let it go, Mike.”
But invariably another voice in his head would bring him back to reality, whispering:
What’s wrong with you Mike, you’re a veterinarian.


A man is talking to God and asks, “God, how long is a million years?”
God answers, “To me, it’s about a minute.”
“God, how much is a million dollars?”
“To me, it’s a penny.”
“God, may I have a penny?”
“Wait a minute.”


A boy looks longingly to the distant islands
He wants to run away to the islands but the only problem is he’s got no money. He walks over to his wise old neighbor and asks him for advice on how to get to there.
The old man says, “well these woods here have magical pixies that have a special dust. If you get their dust you could just fly there! The only problem is they don’t just give it out for free. You’re gonna want to sneak up on ‘em.”
The boy nods his head in disbelief.
The old man says, “So, I guess your options are you hire a boat, or catch a fairy!”


A man walks into a bar and there’s a long line of people punching each other.
That’s the punchline.


Ladies, don’t believe it when a factory worker says he wants a long term relationship.
You’ll find he screws nuts and bolts.


I’ve been single so long
A bug flew in my eye and I thought, “It’s nice to be touched.”


Long ago, when Reddit was not yet a website but merely a small Kingdom,
There was a tournament for knights. From all over the kingdoms, knights came to show their prowess. In front of enormous crowds the knights would do their most daring feats of swordplay, showing astounding skill and exemplary control of their weaponry. All except one knight, who consistently did the same, boring move over and over again. He won his way up through the tournament ranks and the crowds inexplicably cheered harder for his simple move of parrying and opponents blow and quickly striking in return. No flair, no glamour, and yet it produced more cheers than even the most flamboyant attacks. A confused Queen leaned over to her King, asking why the commoners seemed to love this boring swordplay over the exciting and daring moves of other knights.
The King leaned over to her and said “Of course they prefer it my love, this is Reddit, and we all love ripostes!”


A man accomplishes his life-long dream of becoming a stand-up comedian
However, he does not find any success in the field. His jokes are poor and quite predictable. So, after a couple of weak performances, he quits comedy. Frustrated, he punches at a punching bag, and finds it weirdly satisfying. So, he decides to take up a career in professional boxing as a means to fuel his inner rage.
Unfortunately, this career is no better for him. In the few matches he played, he wasn’t able to land a single strong punch and knock his opponent. So, he quits this career as well.
During the breaks in the boxing matches, he was given an energetic drink to keep him energized. He really liked the drink, and so, he makes up his mind to start a drinks business, primarily fruit juices.
Again, this profession was just as unsuccessful as the previous two. Of the dozens of varieties of drinks he made and sold, including alcoholic drinks, fruit punches, juices, cold coffee, pre-made milk etc., none of them attracted people, as their taste was pretty dull and unappetizing. Therefore, he had to give up that career as well.
In conclusion, all of the man’s professions failed simply because his punches were no good.


Horse walks into a bar, bartender asks “why the long face?”
Horse replies, “The bank denied my home loan because I don’t have stable income.”


What is long, has a slanted tip, and pours fluid when in use?
A pen is.


Why can’t your nose be 12 inches long?
Because then it would be a foot you idiot.


Batman: “It’s been a long day. Alfred, please fill up the bathtub.”
Alfred: “Master Bruce, what’s a htub?”

Final Thoughts on Long Jokes

The long jokes will frequently happen till the following morning. However, they are probably the cleverest ever. Trivial long jokes and verbose jokes are very well known on the web.

The best lengthy jokes incorporate entertaining boring tales, truly lengthy jokes with no zinger, tedious account messes with long arrangements, and extraordinary story jokes.

You could likewise incorporate entertaining passage jokes and account jokes for some variety.

Thus, with practically no further long stand by, how about we go through this best determination of the most amusing long jokes for youngsters and grown-ups the same.

Long jokes are not boring, contrary to popular belief. Sometimes, but not always. It is ideal for those who enjoy both reading and humor.

Making a few jokes in front of people who are stressed can be extremely beneficial. If you don’t believe me, take a look for yourself. Not only can you help others, but you can also help yourself.