159 Hilarious Lawyer Jokes to Have a Good Laugh

As the famous quote goes, “laughter is the best medicine.”

And what better way to get your daily dose of laughter other than with lawyer jokes?

Experts agree that laughter has proven benefits, such as reducing stress and boosting immunity.

In fact, research from the University of Maryland has shown that laughter can have similar effects as a workout because laughter helps blood vessels function better.

So, why not have a little fun at the expense of lawyers?

Of course, it’s all in good humor, and some of the best lawyer jokes come from lawyers themselves.

So sit back, relax, and be ready for a good laugh with these hilarious attorney jokes.

Best Lawyer Jokes

Looking for a good laugh? Check out these best lawyer jokes that are sure to boost your mood and tickle your funny bone!

When an attorney gets married, they don’t say, “I do.”
They say, “I accept the terms and conditions.

*In court* Lawyer: Did u kill him?
Me: No. Lawyer:
You know what the punishment is for committing perjury?

A paralegal, associate, and partner walked to lunch through a city park.
They found an old lamp and rubbed it.
A genie popped out and granted each of them one wish.
The paralegal said, “I want to be in the Bahamas on a sailboat with Brad Pitt!” Poof, she was gone.
The associate said, “I want to be in Hawaii on the beach with a Mai Tai and a hula dancer!” Poof, he was gone.
The partner said, “I want those two back in the office after lunch.”

A group of dinner guests was blaming all of America’s troubles on lawyers when a woman said, “They aren’t all so bad.
Why, last year a lawyer gave me $1,000.” “I don’t believe it,” the host responded. “It’s true, I swear it,” said the woman. “I had a complicated personal injury case and what with the lawyer’s fee, the cost of expert witnesses, the expense of the appeal and so on, my bill was $41,000. When the judgment only amounted to $40,000, my lawyer simply forgave the difference.”

Lawyer: May I approach the bench?
Judge: You may. Lawyer: *walks up and whispers*
The other guy is being, like, super mean right now.

Where do vampires learn to suck blood?
Law school.

What do you get when you cross a librarian with a lawyer?
All the information you need, but you can’t understand a word of it.

A doctor and a lawyer in two cars collided on a country road.
The lawyer, seeing that the doctor was a little shaken up, helped him from the car and offered him a drink from his hip flask.
The doctor accepted and handed the flask back to the lawyer, who closed it and put it away. “Aren’t you going to have a drink yourself?” asked the doctor. “Sure… after the police leave,” replied the lawyer.

Why don’t lawyers play hide-and-seek?
Nobody will look for them.

A young lawyer is working late one night when his door opens and in walks Satan himself. “I have an offer,” says Satan. “If you give me your soul and the soul of everyone in your family, I’ll make you a full partner in your firm.
The lawyer stares icily at the devil for a full minute before demanding, “So, what’s the catch?”

Why are there no Irish lawyers?
They can’t pass the bar.

Lawyer: My client is trapped inside a penny.
Judge: What?
Lawyer: He’s in a cent.
Judge: You’re going to jail with him.

What’s the difference between an accountant and a lawyer?
Accountants know they’re boring.

How can a pregnant woman tell that she’s carrying a future lawyer?
She has an uncontrollable craving for bologna.

My wife accused me of being a terrible lawyer.
I couldn’t defend myself.

What do lawyers do after dates?
They lie still.

What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a lawyer?
An offer you can’t understand.

Lawyers be like: I wish you a happy day but in no way guarantee you one. *escapes liability*

I showed the damaged remains of my luggage to my lawyer and said, “I want to sue the airline.” “You don’t have much of a case,” he replied.

Funny Lawyer Jokes

Ready to brighten your day with a good chuckle? Look no further than these funny lawyer jokes. Get ready to grin, giggle, and share the laughter with those around you!

What smells like blue paint?
Red paint.

What did the lawyer say to the other lawyer?
We’re both lawyers.

An investment banker decides she needs in-house counsel, so she interviews a young lawyer.
“Mr. Peterson,” she says, “Would you say you’re honest?”
“Honest?” replies Peterson. “Let me tell you something about honesty. My father lent me $85,000 for my education, and I paid back every penny the minute I tried my first case.”
“Impressive. And what sort of case was that?” “Dad sued me for the money.”

Know how copper wire was invented?
Two lawyers were fighting over a penny.

Why won’t sharks attack lawyers?
Not enough sand.

Why is it that many lawyers have broken noses?
From chasing parked ambulances.

What’s the difference between a lawyer and a vampire?
A vampire only sucks blood at night.

Many years ago, a junior partner in a firm was sent to a far-away state to represent a long-term client accused of robbery.
After days of trial, the case was won, the client acquitted and released.
Excited about his success, the attorney telegraphed the firm: “Justice prevailed.” The senior partner replied in haste: “Appeal immediately.”

Carlson was charged with stealing a Mercedes Benz and, after a long trial, the jury acquitted him.
Later that day, Carlson came back to the judge who had presided at the hearing.
“Your honor,” he said, “I wanna get out a warrant for that dirty lawyer of mine.”
“Why?” asked the judge.
“He won your acquittal. What do you want him arrested for?”
“Well, your honor,” replied Carlson, “I didn’t have the money to pay his fee, so he went and took the care I stole.”

“I’m beginning to think that my lawyer is too interested in making money.”
“Why do you say that?” “Listen to this from his bill: ‘For waking up at night and thinking about your case: $25.’”

What do lawyers and bullfrogs have in common?
Both have a big head that consists mainly of mouth.

A lawyer, who was talking to his son about entering college, said, “What go into your head that you want to be a doctor instead of lawyer?”
“Well, Dad,” answered the son, “Did you ever hear anybody get up in a crowd and shout frantically, ‘Is there a lawyer in the house?’”

What’s the difference between a porcupine and two lawyers in a Porsche? . . .
With a porcupine, the pricks are on the outside.

“You’re a high-priced lawyer! If I give you $500, will you answer two questions for me?
“Absolutely! What’s the second question?”

What do honest lawyers and UFOs have in common?
You always hear about them, but you never see them.

Two lawyers walking through the woods spot a vicious-looking bear.
The first lawyer immediately opens his briefcase, pulls out a pair of sneakers, and puts them on.
The second lawyer looks at him and says, “You’re crazy! You’ll never be able to outrun that bear!” “I don’t have to,” the first lawyer replies. “I’ only have to outrun you.”

An airliner was having engine trouble, and the pilot instructed the cabin crew to have the passengers take their seats and get prepared for an emergency landing.
A few minutes later, the pilot asked the flight attendants if everyone was buckled in and ready. “All set back here, Captain,” came the reply. “Except for one lawyer who is still going around passing out business cards.”

Hilarious Lawyer Jokes

Check out these hilarious lawyer jokes and get ready for some great entertainment that’ll have you smiling from ear to ear.

How do you get a group of personal injury lawyers to smile for a picture?
Just say, “Fees!”

A personal injury lawyer was on vacation in a small rural town.
While walking through the streets, he spotted a car that had just been involved in an accident.
As expected, a large crowd gathered. Going by instinct, the attorney was eager to get to the injured, but he couldn’t get near the car.
Being very clever, he started shouting loudly, “Let me through! Let me through! I am the son of the victim.” The crowd made way for him. Lying in front of the car was a donkey.

Prosecutor: What were you doing on July 15 at 9 o’clock in the evening?
Prisoner: I was eating a hamburger.
Prosecutor: What were you doing at 9:30 p.m.?
Prisoner: I was taking bicarbonate of soda.
Prosecutor: Do you expect us to believe you?
Prisoner: You would if you had eaten one of those hamburgers.

What’s the difference between an attorney and a pit bull?
Jewelry.

A lawyer was so large that, when he died, the undertaker couldn’t find a coffin big enough to hold the body.
So, the undertaker gave him an enema and buried him in a shoebox.

A millionaire informs his attorney, “I want a stipulation in my Will that my wife is to inherit everything, but only if she remarries within six months of my death.” “Why such an odd stipulation?” asked the attorney. “Because I want someone to be sorry I died!” came the reply.

“You seem to be in some distress,” said the kindly judge to the witness. “Is anything the matter?”
“Well, your Honor,” said the witness, “I swore to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, but every time I try, some lawyer objects.”

If an apple a day keeps the doctor away, how many orchards does it take to keep a lawyer away?

A man in an interrogation room says, “I’m not saying a word without my lawyer present.”
“You are the lawyer,” says the policeman.
“Exactly, so where’s my present?” replies the lawyer.

What do you call a priest that becomes a lawyer?
A father in law.

Mr. Dewey was briefing his client, who was about to testify in his own defense. “You must swear to tell the complete truth.
Do you understand?” The client replied that he did.
The lawyer then asked, “Do you know what will happen if you don’t tell the truth?”
The client looked back and said, “I imagine that our side will win.”

Did you hear about the new microwave lawyer?
You spend eight minutes in his office and get billed as if you’d been there eight hours.

How can you tell if a lawyer is lying?
Other lawyers look interested.

A man sat down at a bar, looked into his shirt pocket, and ordered a double scotch.
A few minutes later, the man again peeked into his pocket and ordered another double.
This routine was followed for some time, until after looking into his pocket, he told the bartender that he’s had enough.
The bartender said, “I’ve got to ask you — what’s with the pocket business?”
The man replied, “I have my lawyer’s pictures in there. When he starts to look honest, I’ve had enough.”

Why did the lawyer’s chicken cross the road?
He had an easement.

Lawyer Jokes One Liners

Whether you’re a legal professional or just someone who enjoys a good chuckle, these one-liner lawyer jokes are perfect for sharing with friends and colleagues.

My attorneys have advised me I not yell timber, even if it’s going down.
Me: *lips on the mic* Much less than murder.

Me, as a lawyer: BUT, your honor, I Googled it twice.

What’s the difference between a vulture and a lawyer?
The vulture doesn’t take its wingtips off at night.

If a lawyer is talking in the forest and there is no one around to hear him, can he still bill for it?

What do you call a lawyer who doesn’t chase ambulances?
Retired.

Lawyer, speaking to a dog on trial for murder: Who’s a good boy?
Dog: I am.
Lawyer: Your honor, I rest my case.

What do lawyers wear to court?
Lawsuits.

Clean Lawyer Jokes

Looking for a good laugh? These clean lawyer jokes are just what you need! Give them a try and prepare to chuckle.

What did the lawyer name his daughter?
Sue!

The attorney tells the accused, “I have some good news and some bad news.” “What’s the bad news?” asks the accused.
“The bad news is, your blood is all over the crime scene, and the DNA tests prove you did it.” “What’s the good news?”
“Your cholesterol is 130.”

During a party, a doctor is telling a lawyer that he is sick of his friends asking him for free medical advice.
The lawyer says, “Just do what I do, and leave a bill in their mailbox.”
The doctor decides he’ll give that a try and thanks his lawyer friend.
When the doctor gets home, he has a bill in his mailbox from the lawyer.

Having just moved to a new home, a young boy meets the boy next door. “Hi, my name is Billy,” he says.
“What’s yours?” “Tommy,” replied the other.
“My daddy’s an accountant,” says Billy.
“What does your daddy do?” “He’s a lawyer,” Tommy answers. “Honest?” asks Billy. “No, just the regular kind.”

Lawyer: *whispers* I did the murder. *loudly* Read that back?
Stenographer: “I did the murder.”
Judge: Omg the stenographer just confessed.

A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried this creative defense: “My client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few trifling articles.
His arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offense committed by his limb.” “Well put,” the judge replied. “Using your logic, I sentence the defendant’s arm to one year’s imprisonment.
He can accompany it or not, as he chooses.” The defendant smiled.
With his lawyer’s assistance, he detached his artificial limb, laid it on the bench, and walked out.

How many lawyers does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, they’d rather keep their clients in the dark.

Someone mistakenly left the cages open in the Reptile House at the zoo, and there were snakes slithering all over the place.
Frantically, the keeper tried everything but couldn’t get the slippery animals back into their cages.
Finally, he yelled, “Quick, call a lawyer!” “A lawyer? Why?” “We need someone who speaks their language.”

A defendant who had pleaded guilty saw the jury that had been empaneled, and he announced that he was changing his plea to guilty.
When the judge asked why, the defendant pointed to the eight women and four men in the jury box. “When I pleaded ‘not guilty,’ I didn’t know women would be on the jury. Judge, I can’t fool even one woman, so I know I can’t fool eight of them.”

A man walked into a bar with his alligator and asked the bartender, “Do you serve lawyers here?”
“Sure do,” replied the bartender.
“Good,” said the man. “Give me a beer, and I’ll have a lawyer for my gator.”

Arguing with a lawyer is like wrestling with a pig in mud — sooner or later, you realize they like it.

Two lawyers are in a bank when, suddenly, two armed robbers burst in.
While one of the robbers takes the money from the tellers, the other lines the customers, including the lawyers, up against a wall and proceeds to take their wallets, watches and other valuables.
The first lawyer shoves something into the other one’s hand. “What is this?” the latter asks without looking. “It’s that $100 I owe you.”

A man was sent to hell for his sins. As he was being taken to his place of eternal torment, he passed a room where a lawyer was having sex with a beautiful woman. “What a rip-off,” the man muttered. “I have to roast for all eternity, and that lawyer spends it with that gorgeous woman.” Jabbing the man with his pitchfork, the escorting demon snarled, “Who are you to question that woman’s punishment?”

What happened to the banker who went to law school?
Now she’s a loan shark.

A man walked into the local Chamber of Commerce of a small town, obviously desperate.
Seeing a man at the counter, the stranger asks, “Is there a criminal attorney in town?”
To which the man behind the counter immediately quipped, “Yeah, but we can’t prove it yet!”

A doctor vacationing on the Riviera met an old lawyer friend and asked him what he was doing there.
The lawyer replied, “Remember that lousy real estate I bought?
Well, it caught fire, so here I am with the fire insurance proceeds. What are you doing here?”
The doctor replied, “Remember that lousy real estate I had in Mississippi?
Well, the river overflowed, and here I am with the flood insurance proceeds.” The lawyer looked puzzled. “Gee,” he asked, “how did you start the flood?”

What’s the difference between a good lawyer and a bad lawyer?
A bad lawyer might let a case drag on for several years.
A good lawyer knows how to make it last even longer.

Two lawyers were walking along negotiating a case. “Look,” said one, “let’s be honest with each other. “Okay, you first,” replied the other. That was the end of the discussion.

How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
Fifty-four. Eight to argue, one to get a continuance, one to object one to demur, two to research precedents, one to dictate a letter, one to stipulate, five to turn in their time cards, one to depose, one to write interrogatories, two to settle, one to order a secretary to change the bulb, and twenty-eight to bill for professional services.

Did you hear about the new sushi bar that caters exclusively to lawyers?
It’s called Sosumi.

A lawyer calls his client to tell him about the fee schedule. “Alright,” the lawyer says, looking through his papers. “You owe me $1,000 down and $417.58 each month for the next 36 months.” “What?! That sounds like a car payment schedule,” retorted the client. “You’re right,” the lawyer replied. “It’s mine.”

What do lawyers and sperm have in common?
Only one in two million does any real work.

What’s the difference between a cat and a lawyer?
One is an arrogant creature who will ignore you and treat you with contempt unless it can get something out of you. The other is a household pet.

Warning signs you might need a different lawyer: – Your lawyer tells you that his last good case was of Budweiser. – When the prosecutors see your lawyer, they high-five each other. – Your lawyer picks the jury by playing “duck-duck-goose.” – Your lawyer tells you that he has never told a lie. – A prison guard is shaving your head.

Two lawyers went into a diner and ordered two drinks.
Then they produced sandwiches from their briefcases and started to eat.
The owner became quite concerned and marched over and told them, “You can’t eat your own sandwiches in here!” The lawyers looked at each other, shrugged their shoulders, and then exchanged sandwiches.

What happens if a lawyer uses Viagra?
He grows taller.

Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an honest lawyer, and an old drunk were walking along when they simultaneously spotted a hundred-dollar bill laying in the street. Who gets it?
The old drunk, of course — the other three are mythological creatures.

A minister and a lawyer arrived at the pearly gates.
Saint Peter greeted both of them and gave them their room assignments. “Pastor, here are the keys to one of our nicest efficiency units.” “And for you, sir,” he said to the lawyer, “the keys to our finest penthouse suite.” “This is unfair!” cried the minister. “Listen,” Saint Peter said, “ministers are a dime a dozen up here, but this is the first lawyer we’ve ever seen.”

A lawyer, a used car salesman, and a banker were gathered by a coffin containing the body of an old friend.
In his grief, one of the three said, “In my family, we have a custom of giving the dead some money, so they’ll have something to spend over there.”
They all agreed that this was appropriate.
The banker dropped a hundred-dollar bill into the casket, and the car salesman did the same. The lawyer took out the bills and wrote a check for $300.

Dirty Lawyer Jokes

Check out these dirty lawyer jokes! They’ll have you in stitches. Get ready to chuckle and share them with your friends.

Why do they bury lawyers in a hole 12 feet deep?
Because deep down, they’re really good people.

Why don’t sharks attack lawyers?
Professional courtesy.

Why is it illegal for lawyers to sleep with their clients?
It prevents people being charged twice for essentially the same service.

What happened to the lawyer who took viagra?
He grew a few inches taller.

What is the difference between lawyers and leeches?
Leeches go away once you are dead.

Why did the lawyer cross the road?
To get to the other side of the settlement.

What is the difference between a catfish and a lawyer?
One is a bottom feeding, scum sucking dirty creature, the other is a fish.

What do you get when you cross a lawyer with a sheep?
A ewe-nique defense strategy.

Nice Lawyer Jokes

Feeling bored? Want a good laugh? Look no further than these nice lawyer jokes! Trust us, they’re worth it.

A woman and her little girl were visiting the grave of the little girl’s grandmother. On their way through the cemetery back to the car, the little girl asked, “Mummy, do they ever bury two people in the same grave?”
“Of course not, dear,” replied the mother.
“Why would you think that?”
“The tombstone back there said, ‘Here lies a lawyer and an honest man.’”

What do you get if you put 100 lawyers in your basement?
A whine cellar.

Lawyer: Judge, I wish to appeal my client’s case on the basis of newly discovered evidence. Judge: And what is the nature of the new evidence?
Lawyer: Judge, I discovered that my client still has $500 left.

The New York Times, among other papers, recently published a new Hubble Space Telescope photograph of distant galaxies colliding.
Of course, astronomers have had pictures of colliding galaxies for quite some time now, but with the vastly improved resolution provided by the Hubble, you can actually see the lawyers rushing to the scene.

Mrs. Applebee, the 6th-grade teacher, posed the following problem to one of her classes: “A wealthy man dies and leaves ten million dollars.
One-fifth is to go to his wife, one-fifth is to go to his son, one-sixth to his butler, and the rest of the charity. Now, what does each get?”
After a very long silence in the classroom, Little Johnny raised his hand.
The teacher called on Little Johnny for his answer.
With complete sincerity in his voice, Little Johnny answered, “A lawyer!”

Have you heard about the lawyers’ word processor?
No matter what font you select, everything comes out in fine print.

What do you call a smiling, courteous person at a bar association convention?
The caterer.

What’s the difference between a lawyer and a boxing referee?
A boxing referee doesn’t get paid more for a longer fight.

How many lawyer jokes are there?
Only three. The rest are true stories.

Lawyer: Now that you have been acquitted, will you tell me truly: Did you steal the car?
Client: After hearing your amazing argument in court this morning. I’m beginning to think I didn’t.

Why is it dangerous for a lawyer to walk onto a construction site?
Because the plumbers might connect the drain line to the wrong suer.

A young lawyer, starting up his private practice, was very anxious to impress potential clients.
When he saw the first visitor to his office come through the door, he immediately picked up his phone and spoke into it,” I’m sorry, but my caseload is so tremendous that I’m not going to be able to look into your problem for at least a month. I’ll have to get back to you then.” He then turned to the man who had just walked in, and said, “Now, what can I do for you?” “Nothing,” replied the man. “I’m here to hook up your phone.”

Why is it so common for attorneys to be lost in thought?
Unfamiliar territory.

How many lawyers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Three: One to climb, one to shake it, and one to sue the ladder company.

What’s the difference between a lawyer and a herd of buffalo?
The lawyer charges more.

Dead Lawyer Jokes

Spice up your day with these dead lawyer jokes! They’re guaranteed to put a smile on your face. So prepare to laugh uncontrollably and have a blast.

Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
Because it was dead.

A couple, 98 and 100 years old, see a lawyer and ask how to go about in getting a divorce.
Surprised, the lawyer asks, why they want to get a divorce at this point of their lives.
The woman answers: ‘We wanted to wait till the children were dead.’

What is the difference between a dead skunk in the road and a dead lawyer?
Skid marks leading to the skunk!

How is a good criminal defense lawyer like a dead h**…?
I use them both to get off.

What was the difference between the dead lawyer and the dead cat on the side of the road?
The cat had tire marks before it.

Whats the difference between a dead lawyer and a dead skunk on the highway?
Skid marks in front of the skunk.

Whats the difference between a lawyer and a raccoon?
When found dead on the side of the road, the raccoon has skid marks in from of it.

What do you call 500 dead lawyers chained together at the bottom of the ocean?
A good start.

Whats the difference between a dead dog on the side of the road and a dead lawyer on the side of the road?
There are skidmarks before the dog.

What’s the difference between running over a lawyer and running over an aardvark?
There’s skid marks leading to the aardvark’s dead body.

A lawyer was interviewing a doctor about the death of a patient
“When you examined the patient, did you check his pulse?” asked the lawyer.
“I didn’t” said the doctor.
“And did you listen for a heartbeat?” said the lawyer.
“No, I did not” the doctor said.
“So in other words” the lawyer said “When you signed the death certificate you had NOT taken adequate steps to confirm he was dead.”
“Well, let me put it this way,” said the doctor- “At that point, the man’s brain was in a jar on my desk. But for all I know I guess he could’ve been out practicing law somewhere!”

So these three lawyers are zooming along a country road and they get into an accident with a gravedigger.
So the gravedigger pulls himself out of his car and he’s okay, but the lawyers are kind of messed up, so he buries them, right there, and walks into town and calls the Sheriff. ‘Sheriff,’ he says, ‘terrible accident I just had. Three lawyers in it, they were all dead, so I buried them.’ Sheriff says, “What?
You went ahead and buried them already? Are you sure they were dead?’ Gravedigger says reluctantly,
“Well, they said they wasn’t, but you know how those fellas lie.

A 94 year old man decided to divorce his 93 old wife…
They went to the lawyer together. When he asked why they were divorcing at such an old age, the woman replied, “We wanted to wait until the kids were dead”.

A dead lawyer
Lawyer dies in his sleep and arrives at the gates of heaven.
He asks St Peter “Why am I here? I was healthy, and so young!”
St Peter replies “Young? You were 103 years old!”
The lawyer says “What? No! I was 36!!”
St Peter looks at his ledger and then says “Ahh, I see the problem. We were going by hours billed.”

A hundred year old couple seeks a divorce.
A hundred year old couple enters a lawyer’s office. After inviting them to sit he asks what he can do for them. They tell him they are seeking to divorce. The lawyer is puzzled and asks how long they’ve been married for. 79 long years the woman replies. The man adds that they’ve been deeply unhappy and disinterested in each other for many decades.
The lawyer is a bit shocked and asks why after all this time have they chosen to get divorced.
The ancient couple exchange a glance and the man says well…we just thought we should wait till the children were dead.

An elderly couple in their 90s go to a divorce lawyer.
They tell him they’d like to file for divorce. He looks at them and asks, “Why would you get a divorce at your age?” The husband replies, “Well, we wanted to wait until the kids were dead.”

How many dead lawyers does it take to change a lightbulb?
More than 6, because my attic is still dark. Very dark.

What’s the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead lawyer in the road?
There are skid marks in front of the dog.

Brainless Lawyers
In a m**… trial, the defense attorney was cross-examining the coroner:
“Before you signed the death certificate, did you take the pulse, listen to the heart or check for breathing?”
“No.”
“So, when you signed the death certificate, you weren’t sure the man was dead, were you?”
“Well, the man’s brain was in a jar on my desk, but I suppose he could have still been practicing law for a living.”

Two young girls were talking
Girl 1: What does your daddy do for a living?
Girl 2: He’s a lawyer. What about your daddy?
Girl 1: My daddy’s dead
Girl 2: What did he do before he died?
Girl 1: He sort of clutched at his chest and fell over
From Garrison Keillor’s “pretty good joke book”

A 95 year old man and a 93 year old woman file for divorce.
Lawyer: Why divorce now after all this time together?
Woman: We wanted to wait until the kids were dead.

What’s the difference between a lawyer and a p**…?
At least a p**… won’t screw you when you’re dead.

A man waiting for a heart transplant…
… says “I only want the heart of a dead lawyer.” “Why?” asks the doctor.
“I want one that’s never been used.”

Three lawyers go on a hunting trip…
Two were from Germany, the third was Czechoslovakian. They were about two days into their hunting trip, having a good ol’ time when two bears come out of nowhere and devoured the three hunters.
Crime scene investigation was called in after a couple of hikers stumbled across the b**… campsite, and the detective came to the conclusion that the two Germans were eaten up by the female bear.
When asked how he knew, he pointed behind a tent where the second bear was sprawled out dead, with a foot sticking out, and he said, ‘well, if you do a dna test, you’ll find that the Czech is in the male.’
Thank you. I’m here all night.

What’s the difference between a dead cat and a dead lawyer on the road?
The dead cat has skid marks around it.

A baton-twirling dancer walks into bar…
The bartender is delighted to see her.
“It’s so good to see a fresh face It’s so drab seeing the same lawyers and rabi’s here! Like, can you get any more tired of the same setup?”
“I know!” replies the dancer, “I’m so sick of those overused…”
Just then, a horse walks into a bar. The bartender rolls his eyes and the dancer sighs and begins walking over to the horse, baton in hand.
“What are you doing?” asks the bartender.
The baton-twirling dancer turns, “I’m not entirely sure yet, but it looks like we’re about to beat a dead horse.”

Lawyer Jokes and Puns

Looking for a good chuckle? Give these hilarious lawyer jokes and puns a go! Nothing beats a good laugh, so why not try these out for some guaranteed amusement?

What do you call a lawyer who works for Santa Claus?
A sleigh-er of legal issues.

The author’s lawyer defended her rights in the book case.

The lawyer was having difficulty reading the small print on some legal docs, so his doctor prescribed some contract lenses.

Early one winters morn a lawyer walks out to his front lawn and experiences the dew process.

Did you hear about the lawyer who sued the funeral company over the coffin?
It was an open and shut case.

A lawyer was holding his his briefcase whilst cross examining the witness, eventually he rested his case.

When a lawyer speaks for a long time, there is usually an extended sentence.

What do most lawyers wear to work?
Law suits.

A lawyer walks into a bar, instead of getting a whiskey he orders just-ice.

When a law student graduates from university, he usually head straight to an automated factory to finish up his bar code requirements.

Why did the lawyer become a detective?
He wanted to uncover the truth about the law.

What do you call a lawyer who works for the government?
A civil servant.

Why did the lawyer become a plumber?
He wanted to be an expert in legal pipes.

What do you call a lawyer who is always in a hurry?
A legal speedster.

Why did the lawyer bring a calculator to court?
To make sure he was billing his clients correctly.

What do you call a lawyer who is also a doctor?
A juris-doctor.

Why did the lawyer become a teacher?
He wanted to educate his clients on their legal rights.

What do you call a lawyer who only takes cases involving animals?
A pet-torney.

Why did the lawyer go to the gym?
He was trying to build up his legal muscle.

What do you call a lawyer who works for a circus?
A clown-sel.

Why did the lawyer become a hairdresser?
He wanted to be an expert in legal tangles.

What do you call a lawyer who is also a magician?
A sleight-of-hand-lawyer.

Why did the lawyer become a scientist?
He wanted to explore the laws of the universe.

Final Thoughts

The lawyer jokes, as shared in this post, can prove to be just one of many ways to celebrate the joy of having relationships and conversations with others.

Every joke is worth its salt.

Whatever the situation may be, don’t forget to add humor to it.

These attorney jokes can end up giving someone a fresh breath of air amidst all stress and physical exhaustion.

Humor helps us appreciate our lives more.

We hope that this post brought some lightheartedness in your life and value your opinion.

Please comment in the comments section about this post and share some lawyer jokes if you have any.