162 Hilarious Husband and Wife Jokes to Add Spice to Your Marriage

Husband and wife jokes should be included when a couple has been living together for a long time.

Marriage enjoys its benefits. You don’t need to buckle down in bed to dazzle a drawn-out accomplice.

You have somebody to remind you to take out the trash. Furthermore, maybe above all, when you can partition and overcome, playing great cop, the awful cop with kids is more straightforward.

After years of being together, your relationship or marriage may become monotonous. Husband and wife jokes are a great way to add a little spice that lasts a long time.

Marriage can be difficult. But, for better or worse, these marriage jokes and wedding puns will have you doubled over with laughter. For a good laugh, browse our collection of love jokes.

Best Husband and Wife Jokes

What if we accomplished something called best husband and wife jokes?What is the most effective way that you know if a lady is divorced? She’s bungee bouncing for joy.

I just asked my wife what she’s “burning up for dinner,” and it turned out to be all of my personal belongings.

My doctor told me I needed to break a sweat once a day, so I told him I’d start lying to my wife.

Scientists have finally found out what a woman wants. Unfortunately, she changed her mind since then.

Ever since I needed a wheelchair, my husband has been so rude. He’s been pushing me around and talking behind my back.

Why does a rooster crow so early in the morning? It wants to get a word in before all the hens wake up.

All marriages are happy. It’s trying to live together afterwards that causes all the problems. – Shelley Winters

Wife: What are ten years with me?
Husband: A second.
Wife: What is $1,000 for me?
Husband: A coin.
Wife: Ok, give me a coin.
Husband: Wait a second.

A wife texts her husband on a cold winter morning, “Windows frozen, won’t open.”
The husband texts back, “Gently pour some lukewarm water over it and tap the edges with a hammer.”
The wife texts back five minutes later, “Computer really messed up now.”

You know you’re getting old when your wife says, “Honey, let’s run upstairs and make love,” and you answer, “I can’t do both.”

Wife: It’s our anniversary, darling. How do you suggest we celebrate?
Husband: With a minute of silence?

Knock, Knock!
Who’s there?
Honey bee!
Honey bee who?
Honey bee a dear and get me a soda!

We both said “I do,” and we haven’t agreed on a single thing since.

Wife starts with a “W”
Because all questions start with a “W”
Who?
Why?
What?
When?
Which?
Whom?
Where?

How do you know if your husband is dead?
The sex is the same, but you get to use the remote.

I asked my wife to let me know next time she has an orgasm.
She said she doesn’t like to bother me when I’m at work.

I can remember when I got married and I can remember where I got married.
For the life of me, I can’t remember why I got married.

My partner told me I was rude for yawning when we were arguing.
I told them I wasn’t yawning, I thought it was my turn to speak.

What’s the difference between a relationship and a video game?
They both start off fun and easy, then get a litter harder. If you make it to the end without breaking, everyone is shocked.

“I love you,” she said.
“Is that you talking,” I asked, “Or the wine?”
“It’s me talking to the wine.”

Why do wives use twice as many words as their husbands?
Because they always have to repeat themselves.

My boyfriend and I met on the internet and my mother asked him what line he used to get me.
He said, “I just used a modem.”

What do a wife and a grenade have in common?
They both leave you hurt when you pull off the ring.

If you want to change the world, do it while you’re single.
Once you’re married, you can’t even change the television channel.

Funny Husband and Wife Jokes

There must be one or two amusing events in your marriage from which to generate funny husband and wife jokes. What was the reason for the dead man’s divorce from his dead wife? Because she was frigid.

My wife prefers to take the stairs, but I always take the elevator.
I guess we were just raised differently.

Wife: “How would you describe me?”
Husband: “ABCDEFGHIJK.”
Wife: “What does that stand for?”
Husband: “Adorable (A), beautiful (B), cute (C), delightful (D), elegant (E), fashionable (F), gorgeous (G), and hot (H).”
Wife: “Aw, thank you! But what about IJK?”
Husband: “I’m just kidding!”

I asked my wife if she ever fantasizes about me. She said yes. She fantasizes about me taking out the trash, mowing the lawn, and doing the dishes.

Friend 1: “All my husband and I do anymore is fight.” I’ve been so upset, I’ve lost 20 pounds.”
Friend 2: “If it’s that bad, why don’t you just leave him?”
Friend 1: “I’d like to lose another 15 pounds first.”

If at first, you don’t succeed, try doing it the way your wife told you.

Optimist (Noun): A man who leaves the engine running when his wife says she’s just going to run inside the shop to grab a bottle of milk.

Even though there was a blizzard raging outside, I made it the half-mile to the bakery, where I asked the owner for six rolls.
“Your wife must like rolls,” he said.
“How do you know these are for my wife?” I asked.
“Because your mother wouldn’t send you out in weather like this.”

Wedding Rings – The world’s smallest handcuffs.

My son wanted to know what it’s like to be married. I told him to leave me alone, and when he did, I asked him why he was ignoring me.

Suspecting he had a serious medical condition, I nagged my husband until he agreed to see a doctor. Once there, he was handed a mountain of forms to fill out. Next to “Reason for visit?” he wrote, “My wife made me do it.”

After extensive research, scientists have concluded that a women’s “Whatever” means “I will never accept my mistakes or faults.”

How can you tell if a woman is divorced?
She’s bungee jumping for joy.

Arguing with your partner is like trying to read the “Terms of Use” on the internet.
Eventually, you just give up and say, “I Agree.”

Marriages are made in heaven. But so are thunder and lightning.

A man, shocked by how his buddy is dressed, asks him, “How long have you been wearing that bra?”
The friend replies, “Ever since my wife found it in the glove compartment.”

Stuart: “I didn’t sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?”
Leroy: “I’m not sure. What was her maiden name?”

When a newly married woman looks happy, we know why. But when a ten-year married man looks happy, we wonder why.

At every party, there are two kinds of people: Those who want to go home and those who don’t. The trouble is, they are usually married to each other.

My wife made me a green hamburger today to celebrate St Patrick’s Day. I asked her how she colored it, and she said she didn’t know what I was talking about.

My wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.
A doctor advised a woman she can no longer touch anything alcoholic. So, she got a divorce.

While solving a crossword puzzle, I asked for my husband’s help. “The word is eight letters long and starts with “M,” and the clue is ‘tiresome sameness.’” “Monogamy,” he answered.

Husband texting a wife:
“Hi! What are you doing, Darling?”
Wife: I’m dying..!
The husband jumps with joy but types, “Sweet Heart, how can I live without U?”
Wife: “U idiot! I’m dying my hair..”
Husband: “Bloody English!”

Hilarious Husband and Wife Jokes

What if two comedians marry? They must be telling each other some hilarious husband and wife jokes. Marriage, for example, is a three-ring circus with an engagement ring, a wedding ring, and suffering.

Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is a husband.

When did you get to know your spouse? Sadly, a week or two after the wedding.

Wife: Let’s go out and have fun tonight!
Husband: Okay but, if you get back before me, leave the light on.

The best way to get your husband to do something is to suggest he’s too old to do it.

Marrying someone for their good looks is like buying a house for the paint color.

My partner and I took out life insurance policies on each other.
So, now it’s just a waiting game.

I was emotional when I caught my husband looking at our marriage certificate. Then I found out he was looking for an expiration date.

A man approaches a very beautiful woman in the supermarket and says, “You know, I’ve lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?”
“Why?” asked the beautiful woman.
To which the man replied, “Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman my wife appears out of nowhere.”

At every party, there are two kinds of people: those who want to go home, and those who don’t. The trouble is they’re usually married to each other.

My son asked me what it’s like to be married. So, I told him to leave me alone and, when he did, I asked him why he was ignoring me.

Wife: Do you want dinner?
Husband: Sure, what are my choices?
Wife: Yes and no.

My wife and I always compromise. I admit I’m wrong, and she agrees with me.

When your spouse gets a little upset, just remember a simple “calm down” in a soothing voice is all it takes to get them a lot more upset.

Man: I haven’t spoken to my wife in 18 months.
Friend: Why not?
Man: I don’t like to interrupt her.

My wife is so sweet. Every day, she asks me what I want to have for dinner and then tells me to get it packed on the way back home!

My husband and I had a very happy twenty years. After that, we met.

Doctor: “Do you do dangerous sports?”
Patient: Well, sometimes I talk back to my wife.

Never laugh at your wife’s choices. You are one of them.

Wife: “Honey, what do you love most about me? My honed body or my charming face?”
Husband: “Your sense of humor.”

My husband and I attended a bridal fair, trying to drum up work for his fledgling wedding photography business. One vendor assumed we were engaged and asked when the big day was. “Oh, we’ve been married ten years,” I said. “Really?” she asked. “But you look so happy.”

Einstein and his wife are going through a tough time in their marriage.
Einstein: “Tell me what you need. I’m here to help.”
Wife: “I just need two things right now: some space and time.”
Einstein: “Ok, so what’s the second thing?”

Romantic Husband and Wife Jokes

Gestures, conversations, and gifts can all be romantic, but what about husband and wife romantic jokes? Most husbands can be persuaded to do something by implying that they are too old to do it.

Husband: Am I the only one you’ve been with?
Wife: Yeah, the rest were eight or nine.

I got all dewy-eyed when I saw my husband looking at our marriage certificate for half an hour. Then I found out he’s been searching for the expiry date.

My wife whispered in my ear today that she’s not wearing any underwear. Oh boy, she’s already growing forgetful.

One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in stunningly sexy lingerie. “Tie me up, and you can do anything you want.” she purred. So, he tied her up and went golfing.

She was weeping. He sat down by her. He gently wiped away her tears. Unfortunately, half her eyebrows disappeared with them.

Wife: “Our new neighbor always kisses his wife when he leaves for work. Why don’t you do that?”
Husband: “How can I? I don’t even know her.”

I’ve been in love with the same woman for 20 years. If my wife finds out, she’ll kill me.

Make love, not war, and if you want both, get married.

The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they are too old to do it. —Ann Bancroft

When the man feels bad, he’s looking for his wife. When the man feels good, his wife is looking for him!

I know of no one who is happily married, except my husband.

Marriage is when a man and woman become as one. The trouble starts when they try to decide which one.

The only one of your children who does not grow up and move away is your husband.

Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love, and got married. The ceremony wasn’t grand, but the reception was excellent.

“What’s the best way to get your husband to remember your anniversary? Get married on his birthday.” —Cindy Garner

Why did the bee get married? Because he found his honey.

I was perusing the shelves at a bookstore when a customer asked an employee where the birding section was.
After pointing it out, the employee asked, “Is there anything specific you’re looking for?”
“Yes,” said the customer. “My husband.”

A local lumberyard was having an open house, and my mother really wanted to go. Dad, though, had no interest. After badgering him with no luck, she finally said, “If you don’t go, I’ll be the only woman there.” Dad shrugged. “If I go, you’ll still be the only woman there.”

My husband and I need to brush up on our flirting. The other night, after I crawled into bed next to him, he wrapped his large arms around me, drew a deep breath, and whispered, “Mmm … that Vicks smells good.”

I returned home from my ninth business trip of the year with a severe bout of jet lag–induced foot-in-mouth disease. As we prepared to go to sleep that night, I wrapped my arms around my better half, gave her a kiss, and announced, “It’s good to be in my own bed, with my own wife!”

I turned to my father one night and said, “It’s amazing—50 years and you never once had an affair. How do you account for that?” He replied, “I can’t drive.”

My husband is a car nut. That’s why I could appreciate the card he gave me on our fifth wedding anniversary. It read, “The last 72,000 miles of my life have been the best ever!”

I was bending over to wipe up a spill on the kitchen floor when my wife walked into the room behind me. “See anything you like?” I asked suggestively.
“Yeah,” she said. “You doing housework.”

When people hear that my husband and I just celebrated our 60th wedding anniversary, they inevitably ask us the secret to our long, successful marriage. In response, my husband smiles sweetly, nods my way, and explains, “We both love me.”

My husband talks in his sleep. Unfortunately, he also snores, so I sometimes give him the wifely elbow. “What?!” he demanded one night, still mostly asleep. “Turn over—you’re snoring,” I said. He did as instructed and while doing so, muttered, “That’s nothing; you should hear my wife snore.”

One night, a dieting woman made a cake for the church potluck. Temptation got the best of her, and she ate it—all of it. Embarrassed, she then made a second cake. Her husband never suspected a thing—especially since she ate a piece out of the second cake too.

Husband and Wife Jokes about Fight

Using husband-wife fight jokes during an argument can reduce the likelihood of a further fight. I don’t mind if my wife has the final say. When she gets to it, I’m overjoyed.

My wife told me I was immature. I just told her to get out of my pillow fort.

Husband (angrily): Why did it take so long for you to answer my call?
Wife (irritated): I was dancing on the ringtone.

Doctor: How is your wife feeling today?
Man: She is okay now, doctor…coz she fought with me in the morning.

I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first. I ordered strip steak, medium-rare. He said, “Aren’t you worried about the mad cow?” “Nah, she can order for herself” I said. And that’s when the fight started.

When your spouse gets a little upset, just remember a simple ‘calm down’ in a soothing voice is all it takes to get them a lot more upset.

Marital counselor: So, what brings you here today?
Woman: He takes everything literally. I can’t stand it.
Husband: My truck.

My spouse’s cooking is so bad we usually pray after our food.

My wife gives me sound advice: 99% sound and 1% advice.

My spouse calls me crazy, but who’s the one who married me? Who’s the crazy one now?

I thought my wife was joking when she said she was going to leave me because I wouldn’t stop singing “I’m a believer,” but then I saw her face.

In any argument, a wife has the last word. Anything the husband says after that last word is the beginning of a new argument.

I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes. She embraced me.

A wife asked her husband why he cheated on her. His reply was, “She was just lying there naked on the table, what was I supposed to do?” The wife replies, “Perform the damn autopsy!

One easy step to lose an argument with a wife — Argue.

My wife said she needed more space. I said, “No problem” and locked her out of the house.

After noticing how trim my husband had become, a friend asked me how I had persuaded him to diet. It was then I shared my dark secret, “I put our teenage son’s shorts in his underwear drawer.”

I’ve never been married, but I can imagine how it feels. I once had a stone stuck in my shoe for ten hours.

“If you and I were on a sinking ship, and there was but one life vest … I cannot express how much I would miss you.”

Wife: “Undress me using your words only. I dare you.”
Husband: “There’s a huge spider on your bra.”

Terrorism strikes no fear in my heart. I have been married for years.

I’ve just had a really big row with my wife about going on holiday. I wanted to go to Paris; she wanted to come with me.

Wife: “You know what? I refuse to talk about this anymore!” Wife ten seconds later: “And you know what else?”

My wife told me that I twist everything she says to my advantage. I take that as a compliment.

Arguing with your husband is fun. Even if he wins, he loses.
A man was sitting in a restaurant and crying.

Waiter: “What happened, mate?”
Man: “My wife told me that she wouldn’t talk to me for a month.”
Waiter: “Oh no, that’s horrible!”
Man: “Yes!!! (Sobs) Today, that month is over.”

My ex and I had a very amicable divorce. I know this because when I wrote the Facebook status, “I’m getting a divorce,” he was the first one to click Like.

I haven’t spoken a word to my wife in years. She hates to be interrupted.

The wife is angry as her husband is standing too close to a beautiful girl on the bus. A few seconds later, the girl slaps him for pinching.
Husband to wife: “I swear I didn’t do it.”
Wife: “I know. I did it.”

Women are saints. They forgive you even when you’re not guilty!

A man comes home and sees a note from his wife on the fridge. She wrote, “This isn’t working. I’m at my mother’s.” The man opens the fridge, the light turns on, and he says to himself, “What the hell? The fridge is working fine!”

Husband and Wife Jokes about Honeymoon

Husband-wife honeymoon jokes can be ideal for newlyweds who are still getting to know each other. Definition of Honeymoon: A man’s last vacation before starting work for a new boss!!

Definition of honeymoon: A man’s last holiday before he starts working for a new boss!!

While we were on our honeymoon, I sheepishly told my wife that I was still married to someone else. She thought that was really bigamy to admit.

A man goes on his honeymoon on his new yacht.
Husband (raising his glass: “Here’s to happiness together.”
Wife: “And to our new Yakt.”
Husband: “The C is silent, honey.”
Wife (staring into the horizon): “Yes, it’s lovely this time of year.”

Why did you go to Egypt for your honeymoon? To make the wife a mummy.

Recipe for honeymoon salad: Lettuce alone without dressing.

Why couldn’t the married couple wait for their honeymoon on Alderaan? It was gonna be a blast.

Mr. Sine and his missus Cosine went for their honeymoon on a beach and got a Tan. When they returned, it took them a Sec to find that they needed a new Cot.

Husband and Wife Jokes for Adults

For added fun, a gathering of married couples can include husband and wife jokes for adults. How can you tell if your husband is still alive? The sex is the same, but you have access to the remote.

My wife and I have decided we don’t want kids.
If you’re interested, please contact us immediately to arrange dropping them off.

After 12 years in prison, a man finally breaks out. When he gets home, filthy and exhausted, his wife says, “Where have you been? You escaped eight hours ago!”

I’d noticed that my 60-year-old father seemed to be losing his hearing, so I mentioned it to my mother. “Things haven’t changed that much,” she said. “Only difference is, earlier, he didn’t listen. Now, he can’t.”

Husband: “ILY.”
Wife: “Can you please say the words? It makes it better.”
Husband: “I’m leaving you.”

A man in conversation with his friend. “My wife is on a three-week diet. The friend curiously asks, “How much has she lost? The man replies, “Her life.”

Husband: I need space …
Wife: Join NASA …

A man put out a classified ad that read, “Wife wanted.” The next day, he received a hundred responses, all saying the same thing: “You can have mine.”

A friend of mine just got divorced. He and his ex-wife split the house. He got the outside.

Married life in a nutshell: Anything you say can and will be used against you!

A married man’s best asset is … His ‘Lie-Ability’!

If you really want to know about mistakes, you should ask your wife!

Husband: “Honey, why are you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?”
Wife: “Because I married the wrong man!”

Every man wants a beautiful wife, a smart wife, a loving wife, a sexy wife, and a cooperative wife. Sadly, bigamy is against the law.

Marriage is like a walk in the park. Jurassic Park.

My girlfriend accused me of cheating. I told her she was starting to sound like my wife.

Newly Married Husband and Wife Jokes

In terms of humor, newly married husband wife jokes can help you better understand each other. A British man married an American woman. During their honeymoon, the husband said to his wife, “You look like a million pounds!” His wife filed for divorce.

On my wedding day, my mom told my bride, “No refunds, no exchanges on sale items.”

An American woman married a British man. On their honeymoon, the husband said, “You look like a million pounds!” The wife divorced him.

Husband: “How about you go brew us some coffee?”
Wife: “That’s your job.”
Husband: “Says who?”
Wife: “The Bible. It’s on just about every page.”
Husband: “The Bible doesn’t say anything about brewing coffee.”
Wife (Holding her Bible, and flipping the pages): “See every page says Hebrews, Hebrews, Hebrews.”

What’s the difference between a newlywed Danish couple and Batman’s parents?
One couple is Wed Danes, and the other is Dead Waynes.

A couple of newlyweds were driving down the countryside. After some time, they noticed a couple of pigs resting in a field nearby. The wife said, “Look, honey, your family! Haha”. The husband replied: “Oh my, yeah, those are my in-laws.”

What do you call it when a newlywed foot fetishist cheats on their spouse?
Getting off on the wrong foot.

Woman: My husband is as handsome as Frank Sinatra and as intelligent as Albert Einstein.
Friend: What is his name?
Woman: Frankenstein

A newlywed couple is on their honeymoon cruise, and they’re unpacking their bags. The husband complains that all his clothes are wrinkled and that there’s no ironing board in the cabin. The wife replies: “Don’t worry. Everyone here’s in the same boat.”

What do you call a Welshman with a sheep under his arm? A newlywed.

A pair of newlyweds are having marriage problems. They decide to meet with the Rabbi to prevent the termination of their very short relationship. The Rabbi asks the husband, “What has brought you to the point where you are not able to keep this marriage together?” The husband says, “In the six weeks we’ve been together, we haven’t been able to agree on one thing.” “Seven weeks,” the wife says.

A desperate newly wedded soldier sends a hand-grenade to his mother-in-law, with a note:
“Dearest Mom,
If you pull this ring, I’ll be able to get a three-day leave.”

Only after getting married, you realize that those husband-wife jokes were not just jokes.

Husband: Hun, I have a huge problem.
Wife: Stop saying it’s yours. We are married; it’s OUR problem now.
Husband: I got your best friend pregnant; we are the parents!

A newlywed couple was taking to their new home.
Husband says, “How about some flowers?”
The wife slyly mentions, “Or kids to help liven the place.”
The husband smiles and replies, “Good idea!”
The next day, the husband brings home orchids.

What do you call two spiders that just got married? Newly-webs.

As Aristotle said, “Love is composed of a single soul inhabiting two bodies.” But marriage is more like your wife inhabiting both bodies.

Two newlyweds were discussing how many kids they will have.
He: We will have two kids.
She: I want three kids.
He: No, I will have a vasectomy after the second one.
She: I hope you treat the third one also as your own.

Q: Why does a man twist his wedding ring on his finger? A: He’s trying to figure out the combination.

Wife: Had your Lunch?
Husband: Had your Lunch?
Wife: I am asking you?
Husband: I am asking you?
Wife: You copying me?
Husband: You copying me?
Wife: Let’s go Shopping.
Husband: I had my Lunch.

Marriage is like a bar of soap. It smells delicious until you take a bite out of it!

Women marry because they believe that he’ll change one day. Men marry because they believe she’ll never change. Both are mistaken.

Marriage is the alliance of two people, one of whom never remembers birthdays and the other never forgets them.

Husband and Wife Jokes in English

Assuming you are hitched to somebody who only communicates in English, you should incorporate husband and wife jokes in English. After you get hitched that you understand those spouse-wife jokes weren’t simply that.

Knock Knock
Who’s there?
The love of your life!
Liar, you know chocolate can’t speak.

What is the penalty for bigamy? Two mothers-in-law.

Police Inspector: Why didn’t you report your stolen credit card?
Husband: The thief was spending less than my wife.
Inspector: Then why are you reporting it now?
Husband: I think now the thief’s wife has started using it

Marriage is full of surprises, but it’s mostly just asking each other, “Do you have to do that right now?”

Two men were talking about their wives. The first man says, “My wife is an angel.” The second man says, “You’re lucky! Mine’s still alive.”

When you are single, you see happy couples everywhere. But when you are married, you see happy singles everywhere.

My husband cooks for me like I’m a god — by placing burnt offerings before me every night.

Marriage Tip: Your wife won’t start an argument with you when you’re cleaning, just as you wouldn’t when she is cooking your favorite meal.

How was the word “Wife” coined? They took the first two and the last two letters of “Wildlife”!

My wife keeps telling everyone that she can read their minds, but she never can. She’s telepathetic.

Well, 90% of married life consists of yelling “what?” from other rooms.

Final Thoughts on Husband and Wife Jokes

Marriage is a long-term commitment with many ups and downs. To enjoy the roller coaster ride, you should be more of friends than serious partners.

So, keep in mind that husband and wife jokes should be taken with a grain of salt. If the joke is on you, try to laugh it off. Not every joke your spouse talks about you reflects their feelings for you.

Marriage is a group where two individuals support one another. You will likewise have terrible days. No one is ever cheerful constantly.

These jokes are not intended to hurt anyone’s emotions or feelings. So, take them lightly and don’t be offended by these innocent husband and wife jokes.

Instead, concentrate on sharing laughs and having a good time. Be prepared for a witty and hilarious retort the next time. Remember these marriage jokes to make a big difference for the tomfoolery and the bond solid.