157 Hilarious Grandma Jokes to Make You Laugh

Laughter is timeless, and grandma jokes have a special place in the world of comedy.

As Mark Twain once said, ‘The best way to cheer yourself up is to try to cheer somebody else up.’

So, why not brighten your day with a hearty dose of humor?

In this collection of the best grandma jokes, we’ve gathered a variety of hilarious one-liners, knock-knock jokes, and even some cute and dirty quips.

So, sit back, relax, and prepare to be entertained!

Best Grandma Jokes

Are you ready to guffaw as we present our best selection of funny one-liners and witty quips? Enjoy the best grandma jokes that will make you laugh hard!

Did your grandma give you her bread recipe?
Yes, we often trade recipes on a knead-to-know basis.

My grandmother offered me a melon for my evening snack.
I was feeling melon-cholic.

My brother was feeling shy while singing karaoke in front of the whole family. Grandma said, “Don’t be shy, just duet.”

My father told my grandmother every day that she needs a new hearing aid, but she would not listen.

My boss at work said to me today, “Do you believe in the supernatural and life after death?”
“Yes, I think so,” I replied.
He said, “I thought you probably would. Yesterday after you left early to go to your grandmother’s funeral, she phoned up to talk to you.”

My friend told me his family was having a 92nd birthday party for his grandma.
I said, “That’s awesome, but you can’t really have much of a party in a minute and a half.”

An old man is lying on his death bed. When he smells the delicious aroma of freshly baked apple pie. He calls over his grandson and whispers, “Boy, go ask your grandma for a slice of that pie.” The boy scampers off and returns a minute later, replying, “Grandma says no, it’s for after the funeral.”

My grandma is 80% Irish. People call her Iris.

My grandma just asked me, “Son, what’s your retirement plan?”
I said, “It’s you.”

Grandma was making lasagna when suddenly an entire US division came crashing through her door.
She put a little too much oil in the lasagna.

What did grandma say about the rooftop party?
It was not the best, but it is up there.

What happened at the costume party?
We dressed up as cashews, and grandma thought we were nuts.

What happens when you decide not to eat grandma’s dinner but get packed food?
The next day grandma gets angry because her whole plan got foiled.

What happens when you forget to take off your lenses before a good night’s sleep with grandma?
Your dreams are really clear.

What happened when grandma decided to take action against the airline for losing her luggage?
She lost her case.

How was grandmother’s 92nd birthday party?
It was an emotional moment for all of us, even the cake was in tiers.

What did grandmother suggest when the thermostat stopped working?
Grandma told me to stand at the corner of the room, as they are always around 90 degrees.

Why was grandmother not able to go to the library?
Because it was all booked.

What did grandma say every time she heard an insect joke?
She said, “Oh stop it, these jokes really bug me.”

What happened when grandma visited the dentist?
She came home and said, “I didn’t like him at first, but I wasn’t mean to him because I know he has fillings.”

Why do seagulls only fly over the sea, grandmother?
If they fly over bays, they will be called bay-gal.

What is the similarity between a grandmother’s dentures and stars?
Both come out at night.

What did grandma have to say when asked about the process of making pickles from cucumbers?
She said they go through a jarring experience.

Why did the grandmother throw the watch out of the window?
She wanted to see time fly.

Funny Grandma Jokes

Our jokes are carefully crafted to bring joy to your day. We present you with a series of funny grandma jokes that will have you rolling in laughter!

How come grandmas are so good at learning different languages so quickly?
They are always grandma-tically correct.

What changed grandma’s opinion about heart transplants?
She had a change of heart.

I suggested that my grandmother throw a space-themed party.
She’s asked me to plan-et.

Since it started snowing, all my grandma has done is stare through the window.
If it gets any worse ill need to let her back in.

“As a family we couldn’t decide whether to have grandma buried or cremated
So in the end, we let her live.” – Gary Delaney

I keep telling my Grandma that she needs hearing aids.
But she just won’t listen.

My Grandma told me all her friends had AIDS. I told her I was sorry for them and she asked me to speak up. She too had AIDS, hearing aids.

An old woman is lying on her deathbed when her youngest granddaughter, holding back tears, says to her: “I love you, Grandma.” The old woman replies:
“Oh yeah? Name 3 of my albums.”

My grandma changed her hair color while taking a nap.
She dyed peacefully in her sleep.

What did grandma say about her son on her birthday?
He worked as a banker, but soon enough he lost interest.

Grandma got some wheels for her rocking chair.
She wanted to rock and roll.

My sister put our grandma on speed dial.
I guess now we can call her Insta- gran.

Our 90-year-old grandmother still does not need any glasses.
She drinks directly from the jug.

Grandma accidentally spilled some milk on the rug while making some milkshakes. It was a pour decision.

My grandmother was a Math teacher.
We were discussing infinity the other day, and it kept going on forever.

I was working on a D.I.Y project in which I was making a belt out of watch straps. My grandmother said, “It’s a waist of time.”

My grandmother suggested that I become an electrician when I grow up because the job requirement is shocking.

Grandma just returned from an ophthalmologist.
He said there’s nothing to worry about, she still has a great vision, and that is truly spec-tacular at this age.

When Zoomers tell their mom that grandma called, they say, “Boomerang.”

Why did grandma buy so many candles from the sale?
It was a big blow out.

Hilarious Grandma Jokes

We present you a collection of hilarious grandma jokes! These jokes are designed to elicit hearty laughs and fill your day with humor!

Why was grandma in such a hurry while making pasta sauce for the dinner guests?
It was already 8pm and she was running out of thyme.

“Have you seen the sweater my grandmother made me?”
“It’s pretty knit.”

Why did grandma leave the job at the glue factory?
She could not stick with it.

What did grandma say when the doctor told her, that he suspects her DNA was reversed?
“And”?

What kind of shoes does a grandma like?
Grandma prefers slip-on overshoes, because why knot?

Brian Meyer 1 year ago
Let me try. Little boy: Grandma, you’re teeth are like the stars. Grandma: Why? Because they sparkle? Boy: No, because they come out at night.

What is the similarity between a grandmother and a website?
You can’t deny the cookies.

What happened when grandma accidentally dropped the basket of ironed laundry?
We watched it all unfold.

What did grandmother say about grandpa’s stair construction work?
She said, “he had to work really hard. It was an up and down business.”

How did grandma agree to get spine surgery?
She told me, “It was holding me back for a really long time.”

Why was grandma so fascinated by a reversible sweater she was knitting?
She said, “I want to see how it turns out.”

Why do grandmas hate stairs?
They suspect them as they are always up to something.

What did I say to my grandma when she asked me to help her with an ark?
I told her I Noah guy.

Why did grandma refuse to eat the German sausage?
She fears the wurst.

What did the grandma reply when her confused grandson asked her about cloning?
She replied, “I don’t know dear, and that will make two of us.”

Why was the grandma not happy when her grandson took the job of an archaeologist?
Because his career lay in ruins.

What did the grandmother say when her granddaughter asked her about her cat’s condition?
Grandma replied, “The cat is f-el-ine now.”

What did grandma say about her career as a young girl?
I worked at the shoe showroom, and then they gave me the boot.

Grandma Jokes One Liners

Are you in need of quick and snappy humor? Look no further than these grandma jokes one-liners that pack a punch in a single sentence!

My grandma still can’t believe my brother got fired from the calendar manufacturing unit.
All he did was take a day off.

My grandmother asked me about my long-distance relationship.
I told her, so far, so good.

My grandmother retired from the job of a Math teacher.
She is figuring out the aftermath.

I accidentally dropped a soda can on my grandmother’s head.
Thank god it was a soft drink.

My grandma asked me to find her wristwatch, but I did not get the time.

My grandmother is not a big fan of velcro.
She says it is a big rip-off.

While cleaning the room, one book fell on my grandmother.
She has her-shelf to blame.

One fine day, I asked my grandmother about a mechanic.
She gave me his number and said he is highly wreck’a’mended.

One day I sang a song about the tortilla guy to my grandma.
Actually, it was more of a rap.

Before our grandma died, her last words were, “Don’t keep the funeral too early; I am not a mourning person.”

Short Grandma Jokes

Are you looking for short, sweet, and undeniably funny grandma jokes that deliver instant laughter? These short grandma jokes are the perfect choice!

A Jewish grandmother is giving directions to her grown grandson who is coming to visit with his wife.
“You come to the front door of the apartment. I am in apartment 301. There is a big panel at the front door. With your elbow, push button 301. I will buzz you in. Come inside, the elevator is on the right. Get in and with your elbow, push 3. When you get out, I’m on the left. With your elbow, hit my doorbell.”
“Grandma, that sounds easy, but, why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow?”
“What… You’re coming empty handed?”

I would prefer to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandma, not screaming in terror like her passengers.

I asked my grandpa: “After 65 years you still call grandma darling, beautiful and honey. What’s the secret?”
Grandpa: “I forgot her name 5 years ago and I’m scared to ask her.”

Grandpa, hasn’t everyone afraid of grandma since she turned 60?

Before our grandma died, her last words were, “Don’t keep the funeral too early, I am not a mourning person.”

My grandma loves Rihanna’s song about forgetful grans.
She always sings along and says, “Oh Nana, what’s my name?”

“What did grandma and grandpa do before there was the Internet?
I mean, didn’t they get bored?”, I asked my 32 uncles and aunts, but they didn’t know either.

Every time my grandma sees me at weddings, she always walks up to me and say, “You are next”. I have decided to tell her the same thing but at funerals.

So I asked my grandma where the office is located to take my grandpa for his Alzheimer’s appointment. She forgot. Guess the appointments for 2 now.

My grandma’s bedtime is three hours after she falls asleep on the couch.

A 6-year-old was asked where his grandma lived. “Oh,” he said, “She lives at the airport, and when we want her, we just go get her. Then, when we’re done having her visit, we take her back to the airport.”

My grandmother asked me about my long-distance relationship. I told her, so far, so good.

Grandma, how old are you?
“A woman never reveals her age”, she replied to her young grandson.
He said “Alright, just give me the first digit”
“Six” she said.
“And the second?”
Grandma sighed. “Seven.”
“And the third?”

What did the grandma say when her grandson asked a question about gravity?
It is a pretty attractive field.

What is it called when your grandma becomes an irritating facebook woman?
Sharon is Karen

I asked my grandma is she had any jokes. She responded that she had six of them, pointing at her six children.
I had to think about that for a second then I realized.

My grandma told me her joints are getting weaker. So I told her to roll them tighter.

Shout-out to my grandma. Because that’s the only way she can hear me.

I asked my grandmother how she’s enjoying her new stairlift.
She said, “It’s driving me up the wall.”

My grandma was talking about the good old days and said, “In my day we could leave the door unlocked and not worry about it!” and, We grew up with nothing but we were happy”
I replied, “Well Grandma, I hate to break it to you, but you grew up with nothing because you kept leaving the door unlocked!”

Dirty Grandma Jokes

Do you want jokes that are intended for mature audiences seeking a bit of naughty laughter? Get ready to enjoy these delightfully dirty grandma jokes!

Joke told by my 90 year old grandma
A business man who owns a company wanted to travel for a business meeting. He was scared that his wife was gonna cheat on him with his employees while he’s gone, so he decides to put a machine on his wife’s thighs that will cut off anything that comes near it.
He traveled and finally came back, he put all of his employees in a line and asked them to pull down their pants.
He was so disappointed to see that the first man had his penis cut off, so as the second man, and the third man… Until he reached the last man whose penis was still there safe and sound.
He went up to him and told him: “I knew I could trust you! You’ve always been my favorite employee, and I’m proud of you!”
The employee replied :”Thankth both, no worrieth.”

My Grandma saw me masturbating and had a stroke.
I couldn’t believe how soft her hands were.

A girl was a prostitute, but she didn’t want her grandma to know.
One day, the police raided a whole group of prostitutes at a sex party in a hotel and the girl was among them.
The police took them outside and had all the prostitutes line up along the driveway when suddenly, the girl’s grandma came by and saw her granddaughter.
Grandma asked, “Why are you standing in line here, dear?”
Not willing to let her grandmother know the truth,
the girl told her grandmother that the policemen were there passing out free oranges and she was just lining up for some.
“Why, that’s awfully nice of them. I think I’ll get some for myself,” and she proceeded to the back of the line.
A policeman was going down the line asking for information from all of the prostitutes.
When he got to Grandma, he was bewildered and exclaimed, “Wow, still going at it at your age? How do you do it?”
Grandma replied,
“Oh, it’s easy, dear. I just take my dentures out, rip the skin back and suck them dry.”

Went to meet my girlfirend’s grandma
Due to my girlfriend’s insistence I went to meet her grandma. A fairly old lady she had loads of fun stories and one of them was recent.
Gf’s Grandma: I went to get a tattoo.
Me (surprised): oh, nice. Did you get it? And where?
Gf’s Grandma: yes, I got it on my upper thigh.
Me (even more surprised): OH and what did you get?
Gf’s Grandma: a mouse….
Gf’s Grandma: wanna see it?
Me: I don’t think that’s a good ide…
Gf’s Grandma (lifts up her skirt showing off her legs and looking all distraught)
Gf: GRANDMA NO
Grandma: Oh! My pussy must have eaten it!

Kid sees their grandma taking pills and asks…
“Grandma, why do you need to take all those pills?”
“Well, Grandma needs to take the green medicine for her headaches, but the green pills give her diarrhea. So grandma needs to take the yellow pills for the diarrhea but those pills always make grandma very depressed. Because of her depression, grandma needs to take the black pills, but those always give her a high blood pressure. To cure the high blood pressure, grandma has to take the red pills, but those make her always very horny. That’s why grandpa has to take the blue pills.”

2 Smoking Grandmas & 1 Condom
Jane & Arlene are outside the nursing home, having a smoke. A storm blows in and starts sprinkling. Jane pulls out a condom, cuts off the end and puts it over her cigarette and continues smoking.
Arlene: What the hell is that?
Jane: It’s a condom. This way my cigarette don’t get wet.
Arlene: Where’d you get that at?
Jane: You can get them at the pharmacy down the road!
The next day, Arlene hobbles her way into the local pharmacy and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms. The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her strangely (as she is over 80 years of age) but very delicately asks what size, texture, brand condom she prefers.
Arlene exclaims, “Don’t matter honey, as long as it fits on a Camel!”

My grandma told me this one
An American, Irishman and Japanese man are sitting naked in a sauna.
Suddenly, something started beeping rapidly. The American pressed his forearm and the beeping stopped. He explained: that was my pager. I have a microchip installed in under my skin. A few minutes later, a telephone rang. The Japanese lifted his palm to his ear and answered. When he finished, he explained that he has a microchip installed in the palm of my hand.
The Irishman, feeling very low tech, came up with a brilliant idea as to not be outdone.
He left the sauna to go the bathroom, and came back with a piece of toilet paper hanging from his arse.
The two men raise their eyebrows at him, and he says:
“Will you look at that! I’m getting a fax.”

In honor of my late grandma
This was the best joke she ever told:
A very successful and respected couple had three sons, each of whole became highly successful and well-regarded. One son became a doctor, another an engineer and the last was a lawyer. Every year they gathered for Christmas and soon the children’s spouses and own children began to join in.
Then one Christmas, the patriarch stood and said “Children, we don’t want to ruin this holiday for you, but there is something we need to tell you….your mother and I were…never actually married.”
The matriarch bursts out sobbing and her husband comforts her. Everyone stares in shock at the scene and nobody says a word.

Finally, the wife of the lawyer looks around and says “Well don’t just stand there—one of you bastards say something.”

Cute Grandma Jokes

Are you prepared to be overwhelmed by cuteness with these adorable cute grandma jokes? Get ready to enjoy our cute grandma jokes that will leave you with a smile.

What happened when the clown sang a birthday song for grandma?
She appreciated the sweet jester.

I asked my grandmother how Rome was divided into two parts.
She said: “With a pair of Ceasars.”

Why did the grandma ask her grandson not to work at the candle factory?
Because he will have to work even on wick-ends.

What happened after grandmother decided to become vegan?
Every time I meet her, it feels like I never met her’bivore.

What did grandma say when the doctor told her, that he suspects her DNA was reversed? “And”?

Heard about the dinosaur-themed tea party at grandma’s place?
She asked me to get tea-rex.

Why did grandmother stop going to the gym?
It was not working out.

Have you heard about the grandma who recently went through brain surgery?
She was reluctant at first but later changed her mind.

Have you seen the sweater my grandmother made me?
It’s pretty knit.

How did Grandma describe her cataract surgery?
It was an eye-opening experience for her.

What did grandma do when she was feeling lonely?
She bought some shares because she wanted company.

Why was grandma arrested for taking a picture?
She was framed.

Why did grandma stay up all night?
She wanted to see where the sun went. The next day, it dawned on her.

Dark Grandma Jokes

Explore the humor in the shadows with these dark grandma jokes that push the boundaries of comedy. Enjoy our thought-provoking grandma jokes!

While visiting the old folks home, little Charlie asks his grandmother, “Grandma, what is ‘dark humor’?”
His grandma replies, “Watch, I’ll show you.” She points at a man in a wheelchair, and says, “See that man over there? Go and ask him to stand up.”
Charlie gasps. “But grandma…!”
His grandma then points at a man with no arms. “And see him? Tell him to clap his hands! Hah!”
Charlie is visibly disgusted. “Grandma!”
His grandma then points at a woman with no teeth, and laughs, “Oh! Oh! And see her? Offer her some chewing gum!”
Finally, Charlie has had enough, and bursts out, “But grandma! I’m blind!”
His grandma erupts into a fit of laughter. “Exactly!”

Inappropriate Grandma Jokes

Brace yourself for some truly inappropriate grandma jokes that will make you gasp and laugh in disbelief. Get ready for a wild ride!

A boy is writing a paper on childbirth and asks his grandma, “How was I born?”
His grandma awkwardly answers, “The stork brought you.”
“Oh,” says the boy. “Well, how were mummy and daddy born?”
“Um, well, the stork brought them, too, and your grandpa and I.”
The boy begins his paper, “This report has been very difficult to write due to the fact that there hasn’t been a natural childbirth in my family for three generations.”

On her death bed, the last words that my grandma told my grandpa was, “Honey, I’ll see you in heaven!”
Since then, he’s been kicking puppies and robbing stores every day.

My grandma has been walking 5 miles a day since she was 57. She’s 92 now, and we have no idea where she is.

My grandma died peacefully, 93, in the chair.
Nice way to go.
The dentist was very upset, though.

A girl is singing her favorite songs. Her grandma comes in the room and says:
“Oh, that was you, I thought it was the radio.”
Girl: “And you came to listen granny!?”
Grandma: “Naw, I wanted to turn off the radio.”

Grandmas put wheels on their rocking chairs so that they can rock and roll.

When my grandma died, I had her cremated and put her ashes in a trophy that said “World’s Best Grandma.”
She urned it.

A dying grandma tells her grandchild, “I want to leave you my farm. That includes the barn, livestock, the harvest, the tractor, and other equipment, the farmhouse and $24,548,750.45 in cash.”
The grandchild, absolutely floored and about to become rich says, “Oh grandma, you are SO generous! I didn’t even know you had a farm. Where is it?”
With her last breath, grandma whispered, “Facebook.”

Hey grandson, what’s the name of that german man who makes me go crazy?
Alzheimer, grandma, Alzheimer.

I like Ouija boards. It’s the only game I can still play with grandma.

My grandmother was a Math teacher. We were discussing infinity the other day, and it kept going on forever.

What is the worst response to “I love you”?
“I’m still pulling the plug Grandma”

A boy is loudly praying, “God please give me a bicycle.” His mom asks, “Why are you praying so loudly? God isn’t hard of hearing.” The boy replies, “Yes but grandma is.”

My sister put our grandma on speed dial. I guess now we can call her Insta- gran.

Why do grandmas smile all the time?
Because they can’t hear a word you’re saying!

My grandma is kind of like the Chinese government.
Visitors only see the nice china.

I just heard that my grandma has finally stopped smoking.
We can collect her ashes tomorrow.

My great grandma couldn’t stop giggling at our large family barbecue. I asked her what she found so funny?
“Everyone here is alive, because I got laid.” she said.