153 Hilarious Doctor Jokes to Get a Good Laugh
Get ready to laugh your way to better health with a collection of hilarious doctor jokes that are sure to tickle your funny bone!
Whether you’re a patient, a healthcare professional, or simply in need of a good laugh, these doctor jokes will inject some humor into the medical world.
From witty one-liners to amusing anecdotes, we’ve got a wide range of medical jokes to brighten your day.
So sit back, relax, and get ready for a healthy dose of laughter as we explore the lighter side of doctor-patient interactions.
These jokes are just what the doctor ordered to put a smile on your face!
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Table of Contents
Best Doctor Jokes
Get ready to laugh your way to good health with the best doctor jokes! So just chill, relax, and get ready for a dose of laughter medicine!
Why do doctors hit your knee?
They get a small kick out of it.
Why did the ghost go to the doctor?
He needed a boo-ster shot.
Why did Friday go to visit a doctor?
He was week.
Why did the doctor bring a magnet to work?
To attract patients.
What did the doctor say to someone who stood on some lego bricks?
Just block out the pain.
What do you call a doctor who specializes in Adam’s apples?
A gynecologist.
Why did the lemon go to the doctor?
It had a sour stomach.
What did the witch say to the nurse?
I need to see doctor, I had a dizzy spell.
Who are the only people who don’t like doctor puns?
People with an iron deficiency.
What did the doctor tell the nurse after he made a mistake on the blood type record?
He made a type O.
Man: “My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart!”
Doctor: “Is this her first child?”
Man: “No, you idiot! This is her husband!”
Why is a doctor always calm?
They have a lot of patients.
When I told the doctor about my loss of memory,
He made me pay in advance.
I told my doctor that I broke my arm in two places.
She told me to stop going to those places.
Patient: “Doctor, are the test results ready yet? I’m dying of curiosity!”
Doctor: “Heh… not only from curiosity.”
Funny Doctor Jokes
Whether you’re a patient, a healthcare professional, or just someone in need of a good laugh, these jokes will brighten your day and bring a smile to your face. Get ready for some medical humor that will have you rolling with laughter!
Why did a banana have to go see a doctor?
She was not peeling well.
Patient: Doctor Help. I swallowed a spoon.
Doctor: Hold still and do not stir.
Doctor: You are going to need surgery.
Patient: Can I get a second opinion on that?
Doctor: You are smelly too.
What type of fish completed medical school?
A sturgeon.
I did not want to go to the doctor for stitches.
He told me to suture myself.
Why would a mattress go to the doctor?
When they have spring fever.
The boy that lost his left side went to see the doctor.
He is all right after his visit.
How do you help a sick pig?
Give is ointment.
Girl My toes are on the wrong feet.
Dr: “Looks like a classic case of mix-ama-toes-sis.”
Who is the coolest doctor in the hospital?
The hip consultant.
We would like to introduce you to the new chiropractor.
Say hi to Doctor L. Bow.
Why did the bee need to visit a doctor?
She kept getting hives.
Man Everyone thinks I am a liar.
Dr: I find that hard to believe.
I told the doctor I was not going to have brain surgery.
He was able to change my mind.
Doctor, doctor! I just swallowed a roll of film
Dr: “Lie down on the bed here and let’s see how this develops”
The doctor told the apple we will get to the core of your sickness.
I think I am a house curtain.
Dr: “Just relax and pull yourself together”
What happened when the boy swallowed food coloring?
He dyed inside.
Doctor! Doctor! Have you got anything for my liver?
Dr: “Here is a bag of onions”
What did the Dalmatian go see a doctor?
He looked in the mirror and saw spots on his skin.
Hilarious Doctor Jokes
Prepare for side-splitting laughter with these hilarious doctor jokes! From amusing anecdotes to comical scenarios, these jokes will have you in stitches as you navigate the world of medicine with a humorous twist.
Doctor: “You have high blood pressure and amnesia.”
Patient: “Well, at least I don’t have high blood pressure!”
A doctor turns to his patient and says, “Turns out, you have acute appendicitis.”
The patient blushed and replied, “Compared to who?”
What is awarded to Dentist of the Year?
A little plaque.
Doctor: “I had a young boy in here yesterday that swallowed 10 quarters. Any news on how he’s doing?”
Nurse: “So far, still no change.”
Does an apple a day really keep the doctor away?
Only if you aim it well enough!
Did you hear about the optometrist that fell into his lens grinding machine?
I heard he really made a spectacle out of himself.
Patient: “Please help me! I can’t stop my hands from shaking.”
Doctor: “Do you drink often?”
Patient: “Not really, I end up spilling most of it.”
Doctor: You are very ill.
Patient: Is it okay if I get a second opinion?
Doctor: Of course! You are very ugly too.
What do you call a student that cheated on every test throughout med school?
Hopefully not your doctor.
Did you hear about the patient that lost his whole left side?
No worries, I hear he’s all right now!
Why did the doctor tell the nurse to walk carefully by the pill cabinet?
So she wouldn’t wake up the sleeping pills.
Patient: Someone vandalized my house last night!
Doctor: Okay, but why are you telling me about this?
Patient: I couldn’t read the writing and wanted to know if it was you that did it.
Woman on the Phone: My husband accidentally swallowed an Aspirin, what should I do now?
Doctor: “Give him a headache!” says the doctor.
Why did the doctor take a red pen to work?
In case she wanted to draw blood!
Knock Knock Doctor Jokes
Knock, knock! Who’s there? It’s a collection of knock-knock doctor jokes that will have you cracking up! These jokes will bring a playful and interactive element to your laughter prescription.
Knock, knock!
Who’s there?
3:30.
3:30 who?
I made a doctor appointment for 3:30!
Knock, knock!
Who’s there?
Alpaca.
Alpaca who?
Alpaca the stethoscope, you check my heart!
Knock, knock!
Who’s there?
Colin.
Colin who?
Colin the doctor, i’m sick!
Knock, knock!
Who’s there?
Boo.
Boo who?
Don’t cry, it’s just your yearly check-up with the doctor!
Knock, knock!
Who’s there?
Doctor.
Doctor who?
I didn’t think that the office started til 8 o’clock.
Knock, knock!
Who’s there?
Avenue.
Avenue who?
Avenue heard? The doctor is in!
Knock, knock!
Who’s there?
Doctor.
Doctor Who?
Precisely.
Knock, knock!
Who’s there?
Annie.
Annie who?
Annie chance you could give me something for this headache?
Knock, knock!
Who’s there?
Doctor.
Doctor who?
You’re right!
Knock, knock!
Who’s there?
Hippocrates.
Hippocrates who?
Hippocrates, can you check my temperature?
Knock, knock!
Who’s there?
Doctor.
Doctor who?
You know my name!
Knock, knock!
Who’s there?
Sneeze.
Sneeze who?
Sneeze a doctor, can you come quickly?
Knock, knock!
Who’s there?
Ima.
Ima who?
Ima psychiatrist. I’m here ’cause you won’t open up!
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Doris.
Doris who?
Does your doctor have your test results back yet?
Knock, knock!
Who’s there?
Minneapolis.
Minneapolis who?
Minneapolis a day keeps the doctor away!
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Iva. Iva who?
I have a sore throat and I need to see the doctor.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Olive. Olive who? Olive to tell the doctor my symptoms.
Doctor Jokes One Liners
In need of a quick laugh? Look no further than these doctor jokes one-liners! These short and snappy jokes pack a punch with their witty wordplay and clever punchlines.
When Chuck Norris was born the doctor asked him to name his parents.
Doctor, there’s a patient on line 1 that says he’s invisible.” “Well, tell him I can’t see him right now.”
When a mountain falls sick, it tells the doctor that it’s feeling very hill.
Doctor: Your body has run out of magnesium. Patient: 0mg!
My doctor told me I needed to break a sweat once a day so I told him I’d start lying to my wife.
Is there a reason why the doctor refused to operate on a grape?
It didn’t have the stomach for it.
When I told the doctor about my loss of memory, he made me pay in advance.
Doctor’s office: All our records are electronic now just fill out these 12 forms.
My doctor’s a clown. Every time I see him, he tells me that laughter is the best medicine.
My doctor insists that I should reduce my ground beef consumption. So be it, sea cows it is then.
My doctor prescribed me a new medication. It’s called Fukitol. Unfortunately, the pharmacy had none left to give.
Two different doctors worked together on my knee surgery. It was a joint operation.
A doctor tells a woman she can no longer touch anything alcoholic. So she gets a divorce.
The man complains, “I keep seeing spots in front of my eyes.” The receptionist asks, “Have you ever seen a doctor yet?” To which the man replies, “No, just spots.”
I visited the doctor, and he prescribed me a new diet plan, so I have decided to eat only bagels and donuts from today. My doctor has asked me to eat only whole foods.
When the sick lion was being treated by the doctor, what did he say?
“You need a pride of antibiotics.”
What’s a doctor’s favorite kind of music?
Operatory.
Why did the doctor always carry a red phone?
It was a direct line to his patient’s blood pressure.
Clean Doctor Jokes
Clean humor meets the world of medicine in these doctor jokes that are suitable for all ages! These jokes will keep things light-hearted and fun without crossing any boundaries.
I went to the doctor this morning and said, “I’ve swallowed a golf ball.”
The doctor said, “Yes, I can see it’s gone down a fairway.”
How many doctors does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One to find a bulb specialist, one to find a bulb installation specialist, and one to bill it all to Medicare.
What do you call a doctor who fixes websites?
A URL-ologist.
What do you get when a doctor goes back in time to teach himself medicine?
A pair o’ docs.
Doctor, please hurry. My son swallowed a razor-blade.”
“Don’t panic, I’m coming immediately. Have you done anything yet?
Yea, I shaved with the electric razor
Patient: “Doctor, I get heartburn every time I eat birthday cake.”
Doctor: “Next time, take off the candles.
What did the balloon say to the doctor?
I feel light-headed.
I told the doctor I didn’t want a brain surgery.
But he changed my mind.
Patient: “Someone decided to graffiti my house last night!
Doctor: “So why are you telling me?
Patient: “I can’t understand the writing. Was it you?
How did the doctor cure the invisible man?
He took him to the ICU.
Did you hear the one about the germ?
Never mind; I don’t want to spread it around.
Why did Dracula go to the doctor?
He couldn’t stop coffin
Patient: “Doctor, I need your help. I’m addicted to checking my Twitter.
Doctor: “I’m so sorry; I don’t follow.
Doctor, doctor, You’ve got to help me — I just can’t stop my hands from shaking!”
Do you drink a lot?
Not really — I spill most of it
Does an apple a day keep the doctor away?
I only if you aim it well enough.
Patient: “Doctor, doctor, I feel like a carrot.
Doctor: “Don’t get yourself in a stew.
Why did the rope go to the doctor?
It had a knot in its stomach.
Dirty Doctor Jokes
Warning: These doctor jokes are not for the faint of heart or sensitive ears! With a touch of adult humor, these dirty doctor jokes push the boundaries and delve into the more risqué side of medicine
Do you know why so many doctors are dirty?
Because they’re always feeling up patients!
Why did the doctor feel sick after his shift?
Because he was on call all night!
Why did the doctor cross the road?
To get to the other side!
Why was the doctor fired from his job?
Because he was always taking sick days!
Why did the doctor go to the beach?
To get some sand between his toes!
Why did the doctor get a ticket?
Because he was speeding to save a life!
Why did the patient go to the psychiatrist?
Because he was having hallucinations!
“Why did the patient go to the bathroom so much?”
“Because he had the runs!”
“Why did the patient keep touching his crotch?”
“I don’t know, but I think he has a case of the itches.”
“What’s the difference between a patient with diarrhea and a patient with constipation?”
“With diarrhea, they’re in and out all day long.”
Doctor Jokes for Adults
Sometimes adults need their own dose of medical humor, and these doctor jokes for adults deliver just that! These jokes will have you chuckling and nodding knowingly.
Why did the doctor carry a red pen?
In case they needed to draw blood.
A patient tells his doctor:
“Every time I drink coffee, I get this intense pain in my eye.” The doctor replies, “Try taking out the spoon first.”
“Doctor, I think I’m a moth,” he tells his doctor.
The doctor replies, “You need a psychiatrist, not a medical doctor.”
The man says, “I know, but your light was on.”
Why did the doctor carry a calculator?
To do his surgical counts.
Two doctors stand in a hospital hallway discussing a patient’s chart. Isn’t it interesting that all of his symptoms begin with the letter ‘F’?”?”
The other doctor looks at the chart and replies, “Fascinating.”
A man walks into a doctor’s office and says, “Doctor, you’ve got to help me. I think I’m a dog.” The doctor says, “How long have you been feeling this way?” The man replies, “Ever since I was a puppy.”
How do you refer to a doctor who fixes cars?
A grease monkey.
“Doctor, it hurts when I do this.” says a man.
“I don’t think it’s a good idea.” replies the doctor.
What do you call a doctor who repairs antique watches?
A tick-tock-biologist.
Man Goes to Doctor Jokes
These jokes revolve around hilarious scenarios and mishaps that occur when a man seeks medical attention. Get ready for some chuckles as we explore the lighter side of men’s health and doctor visits.
A man goes to the doctor for a physical. He tells the doctor not to be alarmed, but he has 5 p**….
The doctor says, ” 5 p**…!? How do your pants fit?”
The man replies, “Like a glove.
A man goes to the doctors as he thinks he’s going deaf
what are the symptoms? The doctor asks
they’re that yellow family that live in Springfield.
A man goes into the doctors and says “doctor doctor I think I’m going deaf” and the doctor says “can you describe the symptoms” and he says “yes, Homer is fat and Marge has blue hair.
A man goes to the doctor with a terrible rash on his nuts
The doctor says, “well you’ll have to stop m**…”. Man says “why?”
Doctor says, “Because it’s making it really hard to examine you”
A man has a sore t**… and goes to the doctor…
Doctor: “Your tonsils gotta come out.”
Patient: “I want a second opinion!”
Doctor: “Okay, I don’t like your haircut.”
A Polish man goes to the eye doctor. The bottom line of the eye chart has the letters: C Z Y N Q S T A S Z, The Optometrist asks „Can you read this?
Read it? , the Pole replies, „I know the guy!
A man goes to the doctor for a physical.
The doctor tells him, “You have to stop m**….”
The man says, “Why?”
The doctor says, “Because I’m trying to give you a physical.
A man is rushed to the hospital and is given blood.
When the man gets worse, a nurse goes running to the doctor, saying “We gave him the wrong blood!”
The doctor responds “Ah, must’ve been a Type-O!
Invisible man goes to the doctor.
Doctor says “I can’t see you right now.”
Christ Novacelic, Reading 1992
A man goes to a doctor for his phobia of getting married.
The doctor asks, “Do you know about any of the symptoms?
The man replies, “Can’t say I do.”
A guy goes to the doctor for his annual checkup, and the doctor says, “You need to stop m**….”
“Why?” the man asks.
The doctor replies, “Because I’m trying to examine you.”
Help, Doc. I just got married to this 21 year old woman. She is hot and all she wants to do is have s**… all day long.
So what’s the problem?
Breaking down in tears….
I can’t remember where I live.
A man goes to his veterinarian and complains, “I think my goldfish is having seizures.”
“He seems fine now,” the doctor replies. “Yeah,” the man says, “but just wait until I take him out of the bowl.”
A man goes to his doctor
“Doc, you gotta help me. I can’t stop singing What’s New p**….”
“Oh, that sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome,” said the doctor.
“Tom Jones Syndrome? Is that rare?”
“It’s not unusual.”
A man goes to the doctor
the doctor informs him that he was given a placebo. The guy asks,
“What’s a placebo?”
The doctor replies.
“It’s better if I don’t tell you.”
Funniest Doctor Jokes
Prepare to laugh until your sides hurt with these funniest doctor jokes! This collection features the cream of the crop when it comes to medical humor.
Doctor, doctor, will I be able to play the violin after the operation?
Yes, of course.” “Great! I never could before!
Why did the pillow go to the doctor?
He was feeling all stuffed up!
When do doctors get mad?
When he runs out of patients!
Patient: “Doctor, what should I do if my temperature goes up a point or more?”
Doctor: “Sell!”
Patient: “Doctor, I think I swallowed a pillow.”
Doctor: “How do you feel?” Patient: “A little down in the mouth.”
Patient: “I always see spots before my eyes.”
Doctor: “Didn’t the new glasses help?” Patient: “Sure, now I see the spots much clearer.”
Why did the ladybird go to the doctor?
She had spots!
Why did the mattress go to the doctors?
It had a spring.
The doctor laughed at my X-ray. Why?
Because it was humerus.
Patient: “Doctor, doctor, I keep seeing into the future.” Doctor: “When did this start?”
Patient: “Next Tuesday.”
What makes me want to become a doctor?
To stab people legally, money.
Doctor, I’ve got a month to live. You sent me a bill for $1,000. I can’t pay that before the end of the month!” Doctor: “OK, then you have six months to live.”
What would the world’s worst doctor say?
I hope not to mess this up again.
Patient: “Doctor, doctor, I’ve got a strawberry stuck in my ear!” Doctor: “Don’t worry, I have some cream for that.”
What’s a doctor’s favorite color?
Depends on the patient’s symptoms.
Why did the grasshopper go to the doctor?
He kept feeling jumpy.
Final Thoughts
We hope these doctor jokes made you smile and brightened your day!
Laughter has the power to uplift our spirits and relieve stress, and what better way to experience it than with some lighthearted medical humor?
Whether you enjoyed the clever one-liners, funny anecdotes, or even the naughty jokes (if that’s your cup of tea), we’d love to hear your thoughts and favorite doctor jokes in the comments below.
Share your laughter and keep the conversation going! Remember, laughter is the best medicine, so spread the joy and share these medical jokes with others who could use a good laugh.
Stay happy, healthy, and keep the laughter alive!
