152 Hilarious Depression Jokes to Lift You Up
Isn’t it strange that something like depression jokes exists? Many of you genuinely think it is a sarcastic way of mocking people who are depressed.
Let us debunk this myth! Depression jokes can help people who are frequently sad and anxious. It assists people in understanding what is causing their sense of loss and why they prefer to be alone all of the time.
Through these jokes, you will learn more about depression and possibly discover ways to break free from this delusional state. Still not convinced that depressed jokes can help you feel better?
Browse our collection of depressed jokes to learn the definition of the term and laugh for a few moments to forget whatever bad has happened to you.
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Table of Contents
Best Depression Jokes
Depression is not the best thing a person can have, but the best depression jokes can help. We admire cancer more than we admire depression. Cancer, on the other hand, dares to kill you.
Life is like a box of chocolates, mostly disappointing.
My memes are ironic but my depression is chronic.
There’s nothing more depressing than a failed suicide attempt.
What caused the Great depression? A lack of comedians
Why do orphans go to church?
So they have someone to call father.
If I could choose what creature I come back as after I die I’d be a panda, because people would give a shit if I went extinct.
To the guy asking what joy I find in suicide jokes, the answer is simple.
I make suicide jokes to cope with my crippling depression. Must be working, cause I’m still here.
Is Depression an emotion or a state of mind?
I call it a lifestyle
I’m a star! Because one of these days I’m going to crash and burn…
If I was an object in this world I’d be a glass!
Because if you leave me when I’m too close to the edge I will likely shatter and break.
If I was a pizza topping I would be pineapple! Because everybody doubts me.
My neck, my back, my crippling anxiety attacks.
A man walks into the library. “Hello ma’am I’d like to borrow a book about committing suicide” The librarian replies, “No, you won’t give it back”
What did the dog say during the Great Depression?
These are ruff times
What do you call a depressed emo?
Dead.
Funny Depression Jokes
Can funny depression jokes be truly amusing? Let us investigate. I’m depressed, but my aunt, who adores me, always knows how to cheer me up; you could say she’s the ideal auntie-antidote to my misery.
There was a man who lost one of his arms in an accident.
He became very depressed because he had loved to play guitar and do a lot of things that took two arms.
One day he had had it. He decided to commit suicide and went to the top of a building to jump off.
He was standing on the ledge looking down when he saw a man skipping along, whistling and kicking up his heels. He looked closer and saw this man didn’t have any arms at all. He started thinking, “What am I doing up here feeling sorry for myself? I still have one good arm to do things with. There goes a man with no arms skipping down the sidewalk happy and going on with his life.”
He hurried down and caught up with the man with no arms. He told him how glad he was to see him because he had lost one of his arms and felt ugly and useless and was going to kill himself. He thanked him for saving his life and said he knew he could make it with one arm if he could go on with no arms.
The man with no arms began dancing and whistling and kicking up his heels again.
“Why are you so happy anyway?”
The guy replied, “I’m not happy. My nuts are itchy!”
One day Winnie asks Eeyore “We have such a nice life. Why are you always so depressed?”
Eeyore: “Cause I have a nail in my @$$.”
What’s the difference between me and the stock market?
1) My parents are actually invested in the stock market
2) The stock market still has some value
3) People care that the stock market is currently depressed
The depressed pessimist: “I don’t think this day can get any worse…”
The cheerful optimist: “IT CAN!!”
Did you hear about the man who got depressed after he lost his favourite pencil sharpener?
Everything seemed pointless!
What did the depressed extrovert say when he was invited out?
I’m always down
Why was the dolphin depressed?
His life had no porpoise.
Zebra dies and goes to Heaven
The giraffe asks him, “Why you look so depressed? “
Zebra says, “I never knew if I was black with white stripes or white with black stripes.”
Giraffe says, “We you can go to God and ask Him any question.”
So the Zebra goes and comes back looking confused.
Giraffe asks, “Well what did He say?”
Zebra replies, “He said ‘I am what I am'”
Giraffe goes, “Well then you are white with black stripes!”
Zebra asks, “How do you figure?”
Giraffe says, “Cause if you were black with white stripes He say ‘You IS what you IS.'”
A beautiful young woman is standing at the edge of a pier in New York City, debating jumping in and drowning herself
A sailor passing by sees her and yells, “Lady! Don’t jump! I don’t know what the problem is, but it’s certainly nothing worth killing yourself over!”
She tells the sailor, “I’ve just been so depressed with my life. Nothing I try works and everything ends in failure. I don’t see the point in going on.”
To which the sailor replies, “Well look, my ship is about to leave for Europe. I could sneak you aboard and hide you in a storage room below decks so the captain won’t find out. It’ll give you a chance to start your life over from scratch in a new place. And to be perfectly honest, you’re quite beautiful and, well, I could certainly use the company of a woman on these crossings.”
The woman gives it some thought and decides what the hell, she’ll do it. Maybe a fresh start is exactly what she needs, and it can’t be any worse than the state she’s already in.
So the man sneaks her aboard his ship, and during the journey he brings her food and water and makes love to her every night. Things continue this way for about a week.
One day the door to the storage room is opened and the captain is standing there with a look of shock at discovering this stowaway. “Who are you? What’s going on here?!” he demands.
The woman replies, “Well sir, I won’t lie. One of your sailors saw me on the verge of suicide at the pier back in New York. He promised me he’d take me on your ship’s voyage to Europe to start a new life and hide me down here with food and water, and in exchange he’s been screwing me”.
“Lady, I’ll say!” replied the captain. “This is the Staten Island ferry!”
So, there was this accordion player who just finished his 4th bar mitzvah of the week. He tossed his accordion in the back of his ’92 Geo Metro hatchback and took off for home.
As he drove, he rolled the windows down (with a manual handcrank) because his air conditioning was broken.
He tried to play his favorite cassette tape, Polka Floyd, but the music screetched to a halt as the tape from the cassette got hopelessly tangled in the tape deck.
More than a little irritated and depressed, he decided to stop at a pub and have a few drinks while he contemplated the shitty life choices that brought him to where he was.
He parked at the first bar he came to, walked inside, and started ordering cheap beer after cheap beer.
After his 5th drink, the sound of thunder boomed from outside. He figured he might as well keep drinking and wait for the rainstorm to pass by.
Suddenly, a thought occurred to him and he lept to his feet. He had remembered that he left his car’s windows down when he parked… and he remembered what happened the last time he failed to roll his windows up.
He ran outside and sprinted over to his car, through a heavy downpour. When he got to his car, he looked inside and saw, to his horror, what he expected:
*Two more accordions in his back seat next to his own*.
I’ve been depressed, lately, because I’m in my thirties and don’t have a girlfriend
My friends have tried to be supportive.
My wife has been a real jerk about the whole thing.
What code does a depressed programmer write?
“Goodbye world!”
A depressed man walks into a bar.
He approaches the bartender and says, “I’ll have six double brandy.” The bartender replies, “You must’ve had a really tough day!”
“Yeah, I found out that my dad is gay”, the man replies.
The following day, the man returns to the bar looking much sadder than before, ordering another six double brandy.
“Why did you come back so soon?” asks the bartender. The man, in response, dejectedly said to him, “I found out that my son is also gay.”
The third day comes, and the man returns looking glum as ever, again ordering six double brandy. The bartender exclaimed, “Wow! Doesn’t anyone in your family like women?”
“Yeah, my wife…”
A man with severe headaches went to the doctor.
The doctor examined him and eventually said: “The good news is I can cure your headaches but the bad news is that you have a rare condition which causes your testicles to press up against the base of your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only solution is to remove the testicles.”
The man was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He thought for a while, but decided he had no choice but to go through with it.
Afterwards, he was headache free for the first time in over 20 years, but he still felt sad that he was missing a part of himself. As he walked down the street he saw a men’s clothing store and thought he needed a new suit.
An elderly salesman eyed him quickly and said: “Let’s see, you’re a size 44 long”.
The man replied: “That’s right, how did you know?”
“Been in the business 60 years!” the salesman said.
The man tried on the suit and it fit perfectly. The tailor asked: “How about a new shirt?” The man nodded his head.
“Let’s see, 16 and a half neck, 34 sleeve,” the salesman said. The man was surprised again that the shirt fit perfectly as well.
The salesman then asked: “How about new underwear?” The man nodded again.
The salesman stepped back, eyed the man’s waist and said: “Let’s see, size 36.”
The man laughed and replied: “Finally I’ve got you! I’ve worn size 32 since I was 18-years-old.”
The tailor shook his head and answered: “You can’t wear a size 32. Size 32 underwear would press your testicles against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache.”
An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution.
His last minute plea for clemency to the Governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.
As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about, “What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been? Dinner is cold and I’m not reheating it.” And on and on and on.
Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the tub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs.
While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her husband’s client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight.
Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go upstairs and give him the good news.
As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.
“They’re not hanging Wright tonight,” she said.
He whirled around and screamed, “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, WOMAN, DON’T YOU EVER STOP?!”
Hilarious Depression Jokes
Is there anything that can temporarily remove the thought of depression? The solution is to tell hilarious depression jokes. We hope it’s amusing. Call me 1934 because I’m living in the Great Depression.
Dead Cow and the Mermaid
On a farm out in the country lived a man and a woman and their three sons. Early one morning, the woman awoke, and while looking out of the window onto to the pasture, she saw that the family’s only cow was lying dead in the field.
The situation looked hopeless to her — how could she possibly continue to feed her family now?
In a depressed state of mind, she hung herself. When the husband awoke to find his wife dead, as well as the cow, he too began to see the hopelessness of the situation, and he shot himself in the head.
Now the oldest son woke up to discover his parents dead (and the cow!), and he decided to go down to the river and drown himself. When he got to the river, he discovered a mermaid sitting on the bank.
She said, “I’ve seen all and know the reason for your despair. But if you will have sex with me five times in a row, I will restore your parents to you.” The son agreed to try, but after three times, he was simply unable to satisfy her again. So the mermaid drowned him in the river.
Next the second oldest son woke up. After discovering what had happened, he too decided to throw himself into the river.
The mermaid said to him, “If you will have sex with me ten times in a row, I will make everything right.” And while the son tried his best (seven times!), it was not enough to satisfy the mermaid, so she drowned him in the river. The youngest son woke up and saw his parents dead, the dead cow in the field, and his brothers gone.
He decided that life was a hopeless prospect, and he went down to the river to throw himself in.
And there he also met the mermaid. “I have seen all that has happened, and I can make everything right if you will only have sex with me fifteen times in a row.” The young son replied, “Is that all? Why not twenty times in a row?” The mermaid was somewhat taken aback by this request. Then he said, “Hell, why not twenty-five times in a row?” And even as she was reluctantly agreeing to his request, he said, “Why not THIRTY times in a row?”
Finally, she said, “Enough!! Okay, if you will have sex with me thirty times in a row, then I will bring everybody and the cow back to perfect health.” Just before the young son starts, he hesitated and asked, “Wait a minute!! How do I know that thirty times in a row won’t kill you like it did the cow?”
What do depressed people and sex addicts have in common?
nuttin’ matters.
George Washington and his men are looking for a place to stay one night after a long fight against the British…
After marching through the woods for some hours, they find a farm. Washington knocks on the door and the farmer answers. Washington says “excuse me sir, I’m sorry to bother you. My men and I have been fighting the British all day, and are very tired. Can you put us up for the night?” The farmer looks around and says “well I only have room for one of you.” Washington looks around at his 100 men, and points to a young soldier.
“Peters, you were wounded badly in that last battle and kept fighting. You deserve it. Step inside.” Peters steps up, and stays with the farmer for the night. Now without their buddy Peters, the men feel as depressed as ever, and have no place to stay. Washington and his battered soldiers continue marching.
Eventually they find a brothel. Washington knocks on the door excitedly and the head mistress answers. “Excuse me ma’am, my men and I have been fighting the British all day, and are very tired. Can you put us up for the night? We can pay.” The mistress closes the door for a moment. She excitedly turns around to all the prostitutes. “It’s been months of no business girls, no men and no action, but we have a whole caravan of handsome young soldiers to service here! Get ready!” The girls giggle excitedly and begin to primp for all the soldiers, having gone months with no business.
The mistress opens the door and says to George “we’d be happy to put you up! How many of you are there?” Washington turns around and looks at his men, and says “well, 99 without Peters.” The mistress says,
“You’ve gotta be shitting me.”
What’s the best vegetable to eat if your depressed?
Desparagus.
Stowaway
A depressed young woman was so desperate that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean.
When she went down to the docks, a handsome young sailor noticed her tears, took pity on her, and said, “Look, you’ve got a lot to live for. I’m off to Europe in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I’ll take good care of you and bring you food every day.” Moving closer, he slipped his arm around her shoulder and added, “I’ll keep you happy, and you’ll keep me happy.”
The girl nodded ‘yes.’ After all, what did she have to lose? That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn.
Three weeks later, during a routine inspection, she was discovered by the captain. “What are you doing here?” the Captain asked.
“I have an arrangement with one of the sailors,” she explained. “He’s taking me to Europe, and he’s screwing me.”
“He sure is, lady,” said the Captain. “This is the Staten Island Ferry.”
What does being depressed and being thirsty have in common?
Both can be temporarily solved by drinking.
Why do depressed Frenchmen consume so much olive oil?
It gives them a huile d’olive
If an AI robot is depressed, and keeps on seeing the glass half empty,
Is it electronegative?
Did you hear about the depressed hipster?
They found him in his garage, with a hose in his driver’s side window, leading to the charging port of his Tesla.
What’s the difference between a depressed person and a pizza?
Pizza won’t cut itself.
Married couple after 20 years
The couple goes to a psychologist because after 20 years of marriage the man is depressed …
Gets them a young and beautiful psychologist and when asked what his problem is, he pours out a long and detailed list of what he had to endure in his 20 years of marriage:
Lack of attention, lack of love, lack of dialogue and loneliness. “Does not feel loved, valued or lust ” etc.
Finally, the psychologist got up, approached him, asked him to stand and began to hug and kiss him warmly, took off her clothes, pushed him to the couch and made a fiery love with him, while his wife looked stunned …
When she finished, she got dressed, straightened her hair and sat down next to the husband who was left speechless and said:
– Your husband needs it, at least three times a week! Do you think this is possible?
The woman thought for a moment and replied:
– I can bring him on Monday and Wednesday but on Friday I can not because I make a cake
Why was the three-legged dog depressed?
Because he had a lack of pawpose.
Great Depression Jokes
Great depression jokes are for people who can’t pretend to be happy. What are the similarities between depression and farts? Both are silent but potentially deadly. It expressed some facts.
John got off the elevator on the 50th floor and nervously knocked on his blind date’s door.
She opened it and was as beautiful and charming as everyone had said.
“I’ll be ready in a few minutes. Why don’t you play with Spot, my dog, while you’re waiting? He does wonderful tricks. He rolls over, shakes hands, sits up and, if you make a hoop with your arms, he’ll jump through.”
r>The dog followed John onto the balcony and started rolling over. John made a hoop with his arms and Spot jumped through – and over the balcony railing. Just then John’s date walked out.
“Isn’t Spot the cutest, happiest dog you’ve ever seen?”
“Uh, well,” he replied “he seemed a little depressed to me!”
Why is Mrs Claus depressed?
Because Santa only comes once a year, and it’s down the chimney.
How are a sloth and a depressed person similar?
Both hang from trees.
Kid sees their grandma taking pills and asks…
“Grandma, why do you need to take all those pills?”
“Well, Grandma needs to take the green medicine for her headaches, but the green pills give her diarrhea. So grandma needs to take the yellow pills for the diarrhea but those pills always make grandma very depressed. Because of her depression, grandma needs to take the black pills, but those always give her a high blood pressure. To cure the high blood pressure, grandma has to take the red pills, but those make her always very horny. That’s why grandpa has to take the blue pills.”
Did you hear about the depressed plumber?
He’s been going through some shit.
Feeling a bit depressed lately, a friend came over to cheer me up.
We sit and talk about things for a while, but he’s normally pretty awkward when conversation gets personal. Eventually, he gets up and walks to the other side of the room.
He grabs a bottle of scotch that I’ve been saving for a special occasion, so I ask him, “what are you doing? I don’t think drinking my sorrows away is gonna help.”
He replies, “lifting your spirits”.
What do you call a society of depressed people?
A melancholony.
Why do French people look so depressed?
Because the light at the end of the tunnel is England.
Our bands bassist was always coming in late
He just couldn’t get the timing right, so we kicked him out of the band. He got so depressed, he threw himself behind a bus.
What do you call a depressed pair of croissants?
Pain au pain.
I was excited when I was asked to participate in experiment about regular sex and its effects on mental health.
Being in control group definitely make me depressed.
Two depressed men are sitting at a bar drinking whisky
Suddenly one of them remarks: “Have you noticed the new ice cubes? They have a hole in the middle!”
“They’re not new”, the other one replies. “I have been married to one for 20 years!”
30 Times Left
A man is having problems with his penis, which had seen better times. He consults a doctor who, after a couple of tests, says, “Sorry, but you’ve overdone it the last 30 years. Your penis is simply burned out. You only have 30 erections left.”
The man walks home, deeply depressed. His wife is waiting for him at the front door and asks him what the doctor said concerning his problem. He tells her what the doctor had said. She says, “Oh, no! Only 30 times? We shouldn’t waste that. We should make a list!”
He replies, “Yes, I already made a list on the way home. Sorry, your name isn’t on it.”
How long does it take for a depressed person to change a light bulb?
5 days. & I’m pretty proud of myself.
Yankel the Jew is walking in town one day. He is walking by the stores, admiring all the storefronts and the products they offer.
Suddenly, he notices a peculiar sign on the window of a pet store: “Talking Parrot! Can have real conversations!”
He went inside and inquired about the parrot. As he was shown the parrot, the parrot squawks, “Hello, how are you! I’m rudolph!” In near perfect english and the parrot holds out his wing. Without a second thought, yankel swiftly hands over the hefty sum for the bird and walks out a parrot owner.
Yankel is enjoying his time with parrot. His wife left him 4 years ago, and had been look for a companion ever since. This parrot seemed just the thing he was looking for in life. They have lively conversations with the each other, with Rudolph teaching Yankel about the birds and Yankel teaching him about everything in life.
One day, as Yankel is putting on his phylacteries (black boxes with sacred Bible texts in them) before praying the morning service, the parrot asks what they are for. Yankel explains their purpose to him, and the parrot asks to try them. Yankel at first denies, but after a while, soon agrees and even manages to custom order phylacteries for the parrot. Soon afterward, the parrot was even praying alongside Yankel!
The high holidays were coming up, and yankel once went up to his fellow congregants and made a bet with them.
“I bet you 10,000$ that my parrot could lead the whole service of the high holidays!
(A 4-8 hour service depending which temple you go to. The high holidays consist of the Jewish new year, and 10 days later, the day of repentance)
The congregants scoff at his claim, quickly agreeing to it seeing that they have nothing to lose, reasoning Yankel must be still be crazy and depressed after his divorce, even 4 years later.
Yankel begins teaching Rudolph all the tunes, cantillation, pronunciations, etc; soon, Radolph is ready to lead the services. He even sounds pretty good!
The Jewish new year is here. Hundreds of people fill the temple, with many personally coming after having heard of this cantor-bird.
Yankel places Rudolph on his own custom stool in the center of temple, and tells him to start leading services.
Nothing.
Yankel motions him to start, but nothing. Yankel begins to sweat, as murmurs start selling around the room. As yankel begins begging the parrot to start, laughter starts to erupt. Defeat and embarrassed, Yankel takes the bird home. Now, The whole town knows about this bird and the big embarrassment that happened that night. Many more people now put washers against this parrot that it couldn’t do the service 10 days later (on the day of atonement)
When they got home, Yankel screams, “why did you bail out on me! You know I bet 10,000$ on you being able to do lead! I spent so much time with you! How am I ever
going to pay 10,000$!?”
Rudolph replies, “calm down. Think about how much we’ll get when I actually lead services on the day of atonement!”
Depression Jokes One Liners
Our example from the heading under depression jokes one-liner hopes that your depression lasts as little as possible. What is the term for depression that runs in families? Blue genes!
Every time I’m depressed, I walk into a cornfield…
I stand in the middle and talk about all of my problems. The cornfield is an excellent listener because it’s all ears.
Why are climbers always depressed when they reach the top of the mountain?
‘Cause it’s all downhill from there.
They’ve found a cure for depression!
A young depressed gentleman calls the Al Qaeda hotline
and says, “I think I need help. I’ve been having suicidal thoughts.”
Then he hears the representative on the other end, “Well, congratulations. You’re hired.”
Whenever I feel depressed, I take out a photo of my wife that I carry with me in my wallet.
If I can survive living with her, I can make it through anything.
My moods really stabilized since I quit smoking weed.
Now I’m just depressed ALL the time.
Depression Jokes for Adults
A segment of depression jokes for adults checks out because they are bound to encounter it. For what reason did the Island require the administration of a specialist? Since it was in the grasp of a tropical discouragement.
Update on an Ironic Classic
A man goes to the doctor, says he’s depressed, says life seems harsh, heartless and cruel. He’s all alone in a threatening world, and what lies ahead is vague and uncertain. Doctor says, “Treatment is simple. Great clown Pagliacci is in town tonight. Go and see him, that should pick you up.” Man bursts into tears. Says, “But doctor…I just murdered Pagliacci.”
What fell to the floor first … The depressed kid or a leaf???
The leaf cause the boy was left hanging.
How does a depressed person view life?
There are sad days, and also Saturdays…
What happened to the emo
A depressed emo high off shrooms was walking in the forest when he came across a tree with arms. He tried to give him a high-five but the tree left him hanging.
An accordion player is getting sleepy at the wheel of his ’93 Geo Metro hatchback, on his way home from playing at a bar mitzvah. His accordion lays on the passenger seat next to him…
… The accordion player decides to pull over at a small pub with a sign reading “$1 Beer Night.” He takes some change out of his car’s cup holder — enough for a couple $1 beers.
Inside, he stacks his change on the bar (mostly nickels and pennies) and pretends not to notice the bartender’s eye-rolling as a glass of beer is set before him.
He nurses his beer for a while, depressed, staring blankly at his reflection in the mirror behind the bar, wondering where everything went awry in his life.
Suddenly, he leaps to his feet at the horrifying realization that he forgot to lock his car. The memory of what happened the last time he left his car unlocked surges to the forefront of his thoughts.
He bolts out of the pub and runs to his car. He quickly glances into his car’s front seat and sees exactly what he hoped *not* to see:
There are two more accordions laying next to his.
Ugly Patient
A very homely young woman made an appointment with a psychiatrist. She walked into his office and said, “Doctor, I’m so depressed and lonely. I don’t have any friends, no man will come near me and everybody laughs at me. Can you help me accept my ugliness?” “I’m sure I can,” the psychiatrist replied. “Just go over and lie face down on that couch, and we’ll get started.
Did you hear about the depressed potter?
He was doing great, until he cracked and killed himself.
If you’re down in the dumps and feeling really depressed, drink a gallon of water before going to bed.
It will give you a reason to get out of bed in the morning.
Why did the depressed chicken crossed the road?
To get to the other sigh.
Hans has a small Dick
Hans lived in a small town and has a small dick. Everyone knew about it, the girls snickered behind his back, the guys used to tease him endlessly. He tried all the remedies to make his dick big and failed.
Dejected, he visited his local night club one day and saw his friend Peter. Peter was well endowed and was always surrounded by local beauties hoping to take him home. Hans had to go through a horde of beautiful ladies to get to Peter and pulled him aside.
“Whats up, Hans” Peter asked his friend.
“Listen dude, I am so desperate to make my dick big, I am willing to do anything. I know you are well endowed and all. Can you tell me any tips or tricks that you know that would make it big?”
Seeing how desperate Hans was, Peter put his hand on his shoulder and said “Alright my friend, I am going to let you know a secret. Some years before, I was exactly like you. My dick was so small, I was made fun out of and I was depressed. I went to a solo self reflecting trip to the Himalayas one day and saw a Hermit there. I told him my predicament and he gave a herbal potion made out of plants that are only found there. That potion made my penis big as it is now. Since you are my friend, I will tell you how to find that hermit” And Peter gave the coordinates where to find that Hermit.
The next day itself Hans took a flight and went to look for the hermit in the Himalayas. He was following the GPS coordinates and came across the mountain he had to climb to reach the hermit. He had no experience in mountaineering, but luckily there were several thick vines all over the mountain and he was able to use it as a climbing rope and finally reached the top.
He saw the hermit meditating. Sensing him, the hermit opened his eyes, smiled and told him “You must be here for the potion”.
Hans was surprised at the clairvoyance of the hermit and simply nodded. The hermit reached into his robes and gave him the potion. He then told Hans, “Remember, depending on your body, the potion takes time for it take effect. You might see the results in a few minutes to a few days. You have to be patient”.
Hans nodded, gobbled up the potion and waited. The hermit went back to his meditation and after some time Hans looked at his little fellow and saw no changes. He lost his patience and started doubting the hermit and his potion. So he asked the hermit, “Well, nothing happed till now. If the potion really works, why didn’t you drink it yourself and make your dick big?'”
The hermit slowly opened his eyes, glared at Hans and said – “Motherfucker, what did you think you were holding on to climb the mountains?”
You and 2 friends of yours walk through a forest
after a while you lot stumble upon a hut, from which a weird old lady, resembling a witch, comes out from. She slowly says
*”…do not step on the purple flower…”*
and then goes back into her hut.
A little confused, you exchange looks with your friends, shrug, and keep walking.
30 minutes later – *poof* – 1 of your friends simply disappears. You immediately start looking for him, repeatedly shouting his name worriedly.
A couple of hours later, you find him behind a bush – fucking *THE* most ugly woman you have ever seen: She has a unibrow that connects to her ears and moles all over her sweaty, stinky, distorted body.
Disgusted, you angrily shout at your friend:
“You bastard! What the hell are you doing?! This is disgusting!”
A second later he turns to you, looking depressed, and says powerlessly,
“I stepped on the purple flower…”
Welp
The three of you keep walking.
Another 30 minutes pass – *poof* – the other friend disappears. Shocked again, you begin searching for him as well.
1 hour later you find him behind a bush, fucking an even uglier woman than before: She is a fat old lady, roughly 80 years old, with hairs and sticky slime coming out of every part of her disgusting body, and has 5 limbs.
Feeling sick, you shout at him:
“Jesus fucking christ man!! What the fuck is wrong with you?!”
A moment later the friend turns to you and says, almost sobbing,
“I stepped on the purple flower…”
Welp
The three of you keep walking.
Another 30 mintues pass – *poof* – your 2 friends notice that you have disappeared.
This time they already know the drill, and calmly start to look for you.
5 mintues later they find you behind a bush, fucking *THE* most beautiful woman they have ever seen: She has a silky golden hair, bright blue eyes, huge tits, and a smooth curved body that looks like that of a goddess.
Furious, the two of them yell at you:
“HOW IN THE FUCK DID YOU GET TO FUCK A BEAUTY LIKE THIS AND WE HAD TO FUCK THOSE UGLY BITCHES?!”
Crying, the woman turns to them
“I stepped on the purple flower…”
A man recently separated with his wife is at the local bar drowning his sorrows when a gorgeous young woman walks in.
She makes her way over to the bar.
“What’ll it be, miss?” The bartender asks.
“Tequila.” Says the woman.
As the bartender pours her drink she notices the guy sitting at the other end of the bar. ‘Handsome’ she thinks to herself as she turns to the bartender laying out the salt and lemon for the old lick, sip, suck.
Ignoring the salt and lemon, the woman slams down the tequila and makes her way over to the guy at the end of the bar.
As she approaches him she notices he is looking somewhat depressed.
“Hiiii!” she says sounding as cute as she can to try and pique his interest.
“Howdy” He replies, indifferent to her jovial greeting.
“You seem down, darling” the woman says “wanna talk about it?”
The man takes a sip of his whiskey and thinks to himself for a moment. “My wife has left me because she says I’m too kinky.” He says.
“Wow!” The woman says as the man gestures with his hands as if to say ‘ I know right?’ Or ‘and that’s why I’m here’.
“You’re not going to believe this, but my boyfriend just broke up with me for the same reason!”
The man is now suddenly less apathetic to this woman’s presence and they end up talking and drinking for a while.
After a while the woman stands up and announces that she has to go and powder her nose, and heads to the bathroom. When she comes back she says, “I know this is a bit crazy, but why don’t we go back to my place and get down to some real kinky shit?”
“Now you’re speaking my language!” Exclaims the man. “You lead the way!”
About 10 minutes later the two arrive at the woman’s house.
The woman opens the door and turns the light on and says to the guy, “Pour yourself a drink if you want one and make yourself at home, I’m just going to slip into something a little more comfortable.”
The woman goes to her room and into her wardrobe and picks out the kinkiest outfit she can find.
She puts on her outfit complete with thigh high 7 inch leather heels, latex booty shorts and a cartoonishly large strap-on and walks out into the living room. “Ready or not, here I co…” The woman stops as she sees the man doing up his coat and heading for the door.
“Where are you going?!” She asks, “I thought we were going to get kinky?”
The man replies, “Hey, I fucked your dog, I shit in your purse, what more do you want?”
An elderly inventor was becoming depressed with his life: his hearing was failing, his wife was always nagging him, he hadn’t invented anything good in years, and his former good looks had been replaced by wrinkles and sagging skin.
He goes to the doctor to discuss his depression. When he arrives back home he has a huge smile on his face. He rushed past his wife and heads into the basement, where he immediately starts tinkering with a brand new invention.
His wife comes downstairs, gives the invention a once-over, then asks “What on earth is this thing, and how this supposed to help your depression?”.
“Honey, the doctor told me working on this should have me feeling better in no time!” replies the man. He then proceeds to describe in detail how the machine cracks eggs, steams them, and flips them out onto a plate in under a minute, all at the touch of a button.
“But what on earth does this have to do with your depression? What did that quack doctor tell you to do?” asks the wife
The man replies: “He told me to work on my self egg-steam”.
*I’m sorry*
Depressed people should stop feeling that they are a burden for other people
that’s our job.
Dave got a new job at the suicide hotline.
The manager shows him to his desk and Dave has a seat.
The manager says, “Remember! Your job is to make sure that the person at the other end of the line does not kill himself, no matter what! That’s the one thing you have to do!”
Dave says “No problem! I will do exactly what you just told me!” and the manager leaves him to his job.
A few minutes, later Dave’s phone rings.
“Hello?” Dave answers. No response for a few seconds, then a voice appears.
“My wife cheated on me.” a man says. The man on the other end of the line is clearly depressed.
“I’m sorry to hear that.” Dave says.
“I found out that she’s been doing it for months; she says I don’t treat her well enough. She’s filing for divorce and threatening to take the kids from me. I don’t know what to do. I just took up drinking and gambling, the pain goes away at first but it always comes back. I don’t think I can even afford to see a psychiatrist; money is tight as it always is. I wish I could manage my finances better… I just don’t see any way out. I think the only thing I can do that makes sense is to just kill myself.”
Dave pauses for a moment, thinks, and then he asks:
“Wouldn’t it make more sense to kill her?”
I know a guy who had a pet pig.
This pig got sick one day, suffering from fear of what would happen when he finally got eaten, and turned into a nice juicy ham. My friend took him to the vet, to see why this pig was acting depressed (not eating, not sleeping, etc.). The vet prescribed one thing: cure him.
tld;dr: my friend’s pig was sick, but then he got cured.
Two knights had known each other for several years and were very good friends.
The first knight had a very intelligent, fast and strong horse, capable of understanding human language, outspeeding landslides and staying in battle longer than any other animal.
The second knight asked himself whether the first one would give him the horse but, instead of asking, he kept thinking about it, until he came to the realization that his friend cared more about the horse than him.
He got depressed, and, after several days, the first knight noticed and asked him why.
“I asked to have your horse and you said no”
“No you didn’t”
And an argument started.
The horse, capable of understanding human language, was frightened, and decided to flee the two knights, who were so angry at each other they didn’t notice it was missing until the following morning.
Seeing his horse missing, the first knight was furious, and decided to battle his friend, thinking he had stolen it during the night.
Eventually, the first knight won but, ashamed of himself for having killed his greatest friend over such a futile thing, decided he’d duel every knight he’d face until he died.
Not long after, he was put to rest in the local cemetery.
Months passed, until his horse, who had survived the wilderness, came to the cemetery, almost realizing where his master was.
Once the horse reached the knight’s tomb, the grave warden asks him “why the long face”
The horse, capable of understanding human language but not the concept of holy places, promptly shits on the floor and leaves.
Man with one arm.
Once upon a time there was a man who had lost his arm in a car accident. Losing his arm made him lose his job and made him very sad. He looked for work everywhere but he was not able to find and this made him very depressed. He tried to take his life one day by jumping off a building. Looking down from the building he saw a man with no arms, very happy, laughing, jumping and dancing around. He got curious and went down to ask this man why he was soo happy and dancing around. He asked the man with no arms. I have got only one arm and I am sad and depressed but you got no arms and you are happy, jumping and dancing around, what gives?
The man with no arms replies “I am not dancing asshole my ass is itching.”
Depression Jokes for Kids
Depression jokes for kids are acceptable for this generation’s teenagers. As an example, we don’t think your depression jokes are appropriate, son. “What jokes” It might hit you a bit hard.
My buddy has been really depressed since his pet dolphin died.
His life has no porpoise.
Cyclops
Is the sound a depressed horse makes when it runs
Larry Lobster and Sam Clam were best friends and they did everything together. The only difference between them was that Larry was the nicest lobster ever and Sam, well let’s just say he was not so good…
Larry and Sam did so much together, that they even died together.
Larry went to Heaven and Sam went to Hell.
Larry was doing well in Heaven and one day St. Peter came up to him and said, “Larry, you know you are the nicest clam we ever had up here. Everyone likes you, but you seem to be a bit depressed. Tell me what is bothering you, maybe I can help.”
Larry said, “Well, don’t get me wrong Pete, I like it up here and everything, but I really miss my good friend Sam Clam. We used to do everything together and I really miss him a lot.”
St. Peter looked at Larry with pity and said to him, “I’ll tell you what, I can arrange it so that you can go down to Hell tomorrow and visit Sam all day. How would that sound?”
This made Larry very happy and he got up bright and early the next morning and grabbed his wings, his harp and his halo and got in the elevator to Hell.
When the doors opened he was met by Sam.
They hugged each other and off they went!
You see, in Hell, Sam owned a disco.
They spent the day there together and had a great time.
At the end of the day, Larry and Sam went back to the elevator together, said their goodbyes, Larry got back in the elevator and went up to Heaven.
He stepped off the elevator and was greeted by St. Peter, who blocked the doorway to heaven.
He looked at Larry and said, “Larry Lobster, didn’t you forget something?”
Larry looked around and said, “No, I don’t think so I have my halo and my wings.”
St. Peter looked at him and said, “Yes, but what about your harp?”
Larry gasped and said, “I Left My Harp in Sam Clam’s Disco!”
I went to my psychiatrist recently.
I told him I had been feeling down, and depressed lately, and I sometimes don’t know how I will ever become happy and content anymore.
He looked at me and said, with a concerned look on his face “have you considered suicide?”
To which I said “I didn’t know that was an option.
A gorilla in a zoo was depressed.
The veterinarian tells the zookeeper “She is in heat and she really needs to be bred”.
The zookeeper says “we don’t have a male gorilla. I’m not sure….”
About that time a janitor walks by pushing a broom so the zookeeper pulls the elderly man to the side.
“Sir, would you mate with a gorilla for $1000?”
The janitor thinks for a moment and finally says “Let me think about it tonight.”
Next morning, the janitor comes into the zookeeper’s office and says “I can do it, but we need to talk about the money.”
The zookeeper says “Ok. What did you have in mind?”
The janitor responds “Is there any way you can take the money out of my check a little bit at a time? I don’t usually have that kind of cash.”
Sometimes I get jealous when my phone dies.
To whoever stole my antidepressants I hope you are happy now.
Don’t say your life is a joke because jokes got meaning.
Who needs April fools…
When your whole life is a joke?
The more suicidal people there are the less suicidal people there are.
Are you suicide, cause you’re always on my mind.
What’s a depressed persons favorite drink Depresso expresso Jk bleach.
What is the worst motivational thing to say to a depressed person?
If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again.
“Go big or go home”, that’s what some people say.
“Go loud and proud”, that’s what other people say.
“Go out with a big, loud bang!”, that’s what I say.
Funniest Depression Jokes
Is there any chance of an immediate distraction? It can be the funniest depression jokes. As an example, God finally answered my prayers after years of depression and waiting for the dark times to pass. He declined.
What do depressed people and Apples have in common?
They both hang from trees.
How do you get a depressed person out of a tree?
You cut the rope…
So my parents were telling me about this dark joke they made 17 years ago, but they didn’t actually tell me the joke.
I don’t call it suicide. I call it population control.
I woke up this morning thinking it was gonna be a great day. But then I realized I was still alive.
You must be depression, because you make me want to kill myself 😉
If you were a food what would you be?
Friend 1-Pizza cause I’m so cheesy
Friend 2-Chocolate chip cookie cause I have lots of friends
Me-donut cause I’m so empty inside.
Suicide is never the answer Suicide is the question
The answer is yes.
Are you a toaster? Because I want to take a bath with you.
I know I’m valuable, I come with a barcode.
I cannot moderate myself at all. It’s either I don’t take my meds, or I take the entire bottle. Decisions decisions…
Scarlett Johansson is on a plane that crashes on a remote island.
She and some regular guy are the only two survivors. They make the best of their situation, scavenge what supplies they can from the plane, and try to keep going.
They build a little hut on the beach and – both of them having certain “needs” – eventually start hooking up.
This keep going as months turn into years and they fall in love. One day she notices he looks depressed. Scarlett says to him, “Listen, that plane crash was the best thing that ever happened to me because it means that the two of us are together. If there is anything at all I can do to cheer you up, please let me know.”
He tells her, “Actually, there is something. Put on a set of my clothes and tuck your hair up under one of my hats. Rub mud on your face so it looks like a beard and start walking down the beach.” Scarlett thinks this is weird but, wanting to make him happy, goes along with it. Once she gets about 200 yards down she turns around and sees her boyfriend running up to her shouting, “BRO! BRO! You’ll never believe who I’m sleeping with!”
Other girls be like “I want a 6ft guy”, meanwhile I want to be 6ft under.
A man walks into the library. “Hello ma’am I’d like to borrow a book about committing suicide” The librarian replies, “No, you won’t give it back”.
What’s a depressed kids favorite holiday… Christmas because everything is hanging.
Why did I walk across the road?
To get hit by a car.
Depression Jokes and Puns
Depression puns and jokes are underappreciated because people mistakenly believe they are intended to laugh at people who are going through with it. Have you ever seen a snail’s depression cycle? It’s a downward spiral.
I am a failure to everyone and decided to attempt a suicide, guess what?
I failed.
“Boom, quick; you have five seconds to give me three reasons to live.” “1…2…3 ……4…5…” Did you noticed you said nothing at all?
What’s the hardest line to draw in a hospital? * …
A FLATLINE!
You want to know why I love trains.
They end my suffering.
They say people are 75% water But I’m 100% useless.
Are you a rope? because I want to hang with you
What did the rope say to me?
“Hey there man, you want to hang later?”
What do you call a man off the ground?
Hanged.
What’s the difference between a maze and a depressed life?
One of them you can find a way out of.
What’s the similarity between a broken pencil and my life?
They’re both pointless.
Dark jokes are like water some people just don’t get it.
To whoever has my voodoo doll, please hold its hand.
Bleach solves so many problems, Staines, Dirty dishes, messes, and over population.
I have no friends but then I realize my true friends are anxiety and depression.
Depression Jokes to Make You Laugh
The goal of depression jokes is to be amusing enough to make people laugh more. 1. Ignorance 2. rage 3. wrangling four. depression 5. Recognition. These are the five stages of buying gasoline nowadays.
Everything disappears in the Bermuda triangle Except my depression.
To the guy asking what joy I find in suicide jokes, the answer is simple. I make suicide jokes to cope with my crippling depression. Must be working, cause I’m still here.
I’m like a broken refrigerator, cool but broken inside.
I can measure the speed of an object. Because I want to km/s.
You want to hear a Suicide joke nvm it didn’t make it.
Me: Mom I’m tired.
Mom: then go to sleep.
Me: No you don’t understand.
Me: have you ever went sky diving
Friend: No
Me: Well don’t it sucks
Friend: Why
Me: They gave me a parachute and I lived.
I bet my friend $5 that he would die drowning.
A depressing but satisfying victory.
If I went to walmart, I would be able to scan my own wrists because they’re barcodes too.
I wish I could say that my life is a joke but I can’t because jokes have a meaning.
It’s ironic that the more other people love you the more you hate yourself.
What does PEMDAS stand for?
Please End My Depression And Suffering.
Did you fall from heaven?
Or did you fall from the cliff up there?
Person: where do I commit suicide?
Dog: roof
Person: good idea.
Being sad is my only happiness.
I wish I could be as visible as my depression is.
Final Thoughts on Depression Jokes
Try to feel that there are depression jokes in light of the truth that can cut down state-run administrations or puns which make young ladies snicker.
A considerable lot of the downturn acknowledgment jokes and quips are jokes expected to be entertaining. However, some can be hostile.
At the point when depressed jokes go excessively far, are mean or bigot, we attempt to quiet them. It will be perfect if you give us criticism each time when a joke becomes harassing and improper.
We recommend utilizing just working sadness to fix traumas and anxiety for grown-ups and adults for companions.
Depression, anxiety, emotional and physical pain, shortness of breath, physical and mental deterioration, weariness, sleepiness, insomnia, suicidal ideation, and misery are all side effects of life. It may result in death as well.
A portion of the filthy, funny, and dull depression jokes are entertaining. However, use them with an alert, all things considered.
