157 Hilarious Cold Jokes to Warm You Up in Winter
As winter descends upon us, laughter emerges as a source of warmth that can help to break the season’s chilly hold.
To add some much-needed humor to the winter months, we have put together a list of amusing and original cold jokes that are sure to make you laugh out loud.
Prepare for a journey into a comedic winter wonderland where wit, originality, and a hint of frost combine. Remember, laughter is the best defense against winter’s icy grip.
These cold jokes are sure to warm you up and bring a smile to your face even on the coldest of days.
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Table of Contents
Best Cold Jokes
When it comes to cold jokes, some stand out as the absolute best in bringing laughter to frosty hearts. Good luck reading them!
What did the rain say when it was too cold?
“What the hail?!”
What does a spy do when he gets cold?
He goes undercover.
What should you do if got cold?
Go stand in a corner because corners are always 90 degrees.
What is a country with a cold name?
Chile.
Which is faster, hot or cold?
Hot, because you can catch cold.
Yo mama so cold, she gives everyone around her frostbite.
How should one eat his food when one has a cold?
I – I – I – CHHHEEEWWWWWWW!!
What do you get when you cross the Atlantic Ocean with the Titanic?
An old woman’s recollection of cheating on her fiancé with a thief named jack and watching him freeze to death.
What type of blanket makes you cold?
A wet blanket.
What type of medicine does Dracula take for a cold?
Coffin Medicine.
Did you hear about the fortune teller who could predict only cold winters?
Then he found out the crystal ball shop had sold him a snow globe.
Why should you carry French fries with you when walking your dog on a cold day?
French fries go well with chili dogs.
Why do Eskimos wash their clothes in Tide?
It’s too cold to wash them out-tide.
Customer: Waiter, My soup is cold.
Waiter: It’s Borscht.
Customer: Borscht, my soup is cold.
Why didn’t The Black Pearl get cold and drafty on cold winter nights at sea?
Because pirate ships have a very high Arrrrrr value.
What did the guy say who every morning on his way to work slipped on the frozen newspaper left on his front step?
“I have fallen on some hard Times.”
Yo mama so cold, when she sat in a hot tub, it froze.
Did you know that it was possible for anything to be hot and cold at the same time?
Until they discovered necrophilia.
When you live alone, the only thing that wakes you up faster than a cold toilet seat…..!
Is a warm toilet seat.
Funny Cold Jokes
Funny chilly jokes are the perfect way to cheer up even the coldest of days since laughter is a potent remedy to the winter blues.
During the cold weather, where do snowmen dance?
They go dancing at the snowball!
When I met my friend after ditching him in the cold weather, what happened?
He gave me the cold shoulder!
In the cold weather, how did the archer shoot arrows?
He used the snow bows!
What did the icy road tell the car?
“Want to go for a spin?”
What falls in the winter but does not get hurt?
Snow.
What made the girl keep her trumpet out in the snow?
She liked playing cool jazz.
If a snowman throws a temper tantrum, what do you call it?
A meltdown.
What did one ice cube say to another?
“Hang in there!”
Antarctica’s husband, who is he?
Uncle Arctica.
What happens if you sit on the ice too long?
Polaroids!
The Arctic women use what to stay young looking?
Cold cream.
What is the purpose of washing Eskimos’ clothes with tide detergent?
Because it’s to cold out tide.
In cold weather, how does the Eskimo seal his house?
They use I-glues!
Why do mountains not catch colds?
They wear snow caps.
Hilarious Cold Jokes
These wonderfully chilly jokes will split your sides and brighten your mood. These jokes were specially chosen out making them the ideal antidote to winter’s frigid grasp.
Snowmen have a special name for their offspring.
They love to refer to them as chill-dren.
Since it was so cold, we chose to ski instead of swimming.
You could say we were mis-sled.
Now I have cold sores after dating a Greek god.
Thanks a lot, Herpules.
If you are ordering a cake in winter,
You do not need extra thick icing.
It’s so cold…
Pet stores sell hamsters, gerbils and penguins.
As the cannibal was late for dinner,
He noticed that he was getting the cold shoulder.
It’s so cold…
To heat the house, you have to open the fridge.
The only thing that wakes you up faster than a cold toilet seat when you live alone… is a warm toilet seat.
Grasshopper meat is a great source of protein; sustainable, and you can eat it cold!
Locusts, on the other hand, have to be swarmed up first.
It’s so cold…
Fever is something people look forward to.
One cold winter morning, my wife texted me, “Windows frozen. Won’t open.”
She texted back, “Pour some hot water along the edges and tap it with a hammer.”
A few minutes later, she texted back, “Computer is really messed up now.”
I have only ever predicted very cold winters with my crystal ball.
As it turns out, I bought a snow globe.
Short Cold Jokes
Sometimes, simplicity is the core of humor, and snappy cold jokes deliver a punch in a jiffy. These little humor bursts are ideal for anyone looking for quick laughs.
What’s the coldest thing to eat?
Breakfast.
What happens if you’re too cold and alone?
You become isolated.
What kind of money is used in the winter?
Cold hard cash.
Is hot or cold faster?
Hot is faster, because you can catch a cold.
What can you catch when the temperature drops?
A cold.
Why did Dracula like to take cold medicine?
Because it would stop his coffin.
Why don’t ants get colds?
Because they have anty bodies.
What is the best diet in the cold?
Only eat icebergs, chili, and chili sauce.
Why didn’t the bride get married in December?
Because she got cold feet.
What should you do if you’re cold?
Stand in a corner. It’s 90 degrees there.
How did the woman get cold feet?
She slept with her feet in a bucket of ice water.
Why is the letter B cold?
Because it’s always between the AC.
What do you call a cold crocodile?
A refrigerator.
How can you find a glacier?
You need to have good ice sight.
Why couldn’t the polar bear get a job?
Because there was a hiring freeze.
Cold Jokes One Liners
When it comes to comedy, the one-liner is a true masterwork, and cold jokes are no exception. Using just a few words, these deftly constructed lines are intended to make you giggle.
My commute to work today was just awful!
Floor between bedroom and office was really cold.
If you ever get cold, just stand in the corner of a room for a while.
They’re normally around 90 degrees.
Everyone worries about dying due to the cold because there is always the possibility that hell might freeze over too.
Cold is the worst robber ever because you can always catch it easily no matter what happens.
It is so cold outside that even Siberians are feeling cold and shivering!
If a spy catches a cold, it will be challenging to find them because they will go undercover.
When it’s so cold that the cold makes your eyes water and they’re not eyes anymore.
The best way to keep your feet from getting cold is by not going around brrrfooted.
If you are in a freezing room and want to stay warm and comfortable,
you should always stick to the corners because they are all 90 degrees.
If I have a purchased an icehouse and for some reason, it starts to fall apart, igloo it back together.
When we arrived at the ice-rink, the ruts were clearly visible. The maintenance crew there must be slipping up on its job.
The man got cold feet because he fell asleep with his legs in a bucket of ice!
When it is still cold and snowing and the sun emerges, be on the lookout for snow bows.
The only way to stop the snow from giving you cold feet is by ensuring you don’t go around brr-footed.
When the snow boy fought with the snow girl, the latter gave him the cold shoulder.
In summer, the local musicians love to keep their trumpets in freezers because people enjoy cool music.
Clean Cold Jokes
Whether you’re sharing a joke around the fireplace or entertaining your little ones on a snowy day, these clean cold jokes will bring joy to everyone without compromising on the fun factor.
Why is the letter B so cold?
Because it’s between the AC.
What do you call a friendly ghost on a very cold night?
Casp-burr.
Which kind of hats are so cold they are always frozen?
Ice caps.
What are the only two seasons to occur in Antarctica?
Cold and colder.
How do you search Google on freezing cold days?
With the winter-net.
When are your eyes, not your eyes?
When the cold weather makes them water
What do you call an arctic ice-cold spell at the end of the year?
Decem-brr!
How do you spot a glacier in a serious chill?
You have to have good ice sight.
What’s faster, hot or cold?
Hot because you can always catch a cold.
What happens when you put cold hot sauce on top of your hot food in winter? You chilly things up.
Why are colds useless criminals?
Because they’re easy to catch.
Why did Dracula take cold medicine in winter?
To stop his coffin.
What do you call kids when they’re out ice skating?
You can call them chill-dren.
I saw someone stealing a glacier last winter.
It was an ice-burglar.
Despite the really cold weather, we had a great lunch with the snowmen, we enjoyed lots of ice-burgers.
When you walk through the winter months with your eyes closed, the only thing you can catch is a cold.
I want to tell you an excellent ice pun, but the problem is that it’s just slipped my mind.
You don’t like my ice pun?
How cold.
Be careful, if you’re alone and get too cold in the snow, you might become ice-olated.
I believe the best scientists who are dedicated to experimenting with thin ice will achieve a big breakthrough.
Cold weather?
Oh chill, it’s definitely snow problem.
I am a bit cold today in the snow, but its ice to meet you.
The bride refused to get married in an igloo; she got cold feet.
Dirty Cold Jokes
The witty banter that awaits you will scorch the chill of winter. Prepare to laugh riskily and embrace the cheeky side of cold humor.
What kind of topping would you get on your dessert in the cold weather?
You would get icing on the cake!
What kind of pictures would two people like to take during the cold weather?
They would definitely take polar-oids!
How should people confront their enemy in the cold weather?
They have got to confront each other with an icy stare!
What is the only letter missing from the English alphabet during the time of Christmas?
There is Noel during Christmas!
What do you call the friendly ghost during the cold weather?
You get to call him Cas-brrrrrr!
A pony goes into a pharmacy and asks for some throat lozenges.
The pharmacist asks, “Do you have a cold?”.
The pony replies, “No. I’m just a little hoarse.”
Two Monkeys were in the process of getting into a bath, and one said to the other “ooo aa oo eee ooo ee oo”
And the other one said “put some fucking cold in then!”
Why do men give their jacket to women when it’s cold?
Because no guy wants a blowjob from a woman with chattering teeth.
Scientists say
Scientists say that regular masturbation can help fight off the common cold.
That’s great news because I’ve run out of tissues.
A couple driving home run over a badger they get out and find it is still breathing but freezing cold
Husband says, “put it between your legs to keep it warm”,
Wife replies “but it is all wet and it stinks,
He say, “well hold the badgers nose then!”
Cold Jokes for Adults
This collection of jokes is intended for older audiences strictly and offers a light-hearted diversion from the chilly winter months.
Son: Dad why is our food so cold and bland?
Dad: It’s because your mother put her heart and soul into it.
What do you say when you feel a cold presence and hear a sharp knocking at the door?
“Honey, your parents are here!”
What does a Pokemon say when it gets a cold?
Pik-achoo.
It was so cold this morning I had to use my Tesco discount card to scrape the ice off my windscreen.
Didn’t work though, I only got 10% off.
Why don’t ants catch colds?
They have tiny anty bodies.
Do you know that Justice is a dish best-served cold?
Because if it were served warm it would be justwater.
What is the worst part about kissing a perfect 10?
“How cold the mirror feels on my lips?!”
What do Mexicans eat when it’s cold out?
Brrrritos.
Why do men give their jackets to women when it’s cold outside?
Because no man wants to be blown up by a woman with chattering teeth.
Why do fewer marriages take place in winter
because most of the brides get cold feet?
What do you call an espresso with a cold?
Coughee.
What food is served hot but is always cold
Chili.
Why is Deadpool’s house always cold?
Because he keeps breaking the fourth wall.
What do you call a cold you get twice?
De ja-flu.
Did you know habaneros can grow in the snow?
You would think they would get cold, but they are just a little chili.
What do you call a mythical creature with a cold?
Achoopacabra.
Why was the football stadium so cold?
Because of all the fans.
Why do super villains never get cold?
They dress in lairs.
What do an ambulance and a pizza delivery driver have in common
If either of them shows up late the delivery goes cold.
What do you call a cold hooker?
A frostitute.
Why are cannibals afraid of being late to the party?
Because they’re afraid of getting the cold shoulder.
Why do penguins live in the cold?
Because they are brrrrrrrrrds.
What do you call a Jedi who is neither hot nor cold?
Lukewarm Skywalker.
What do ice cubes take when they have a scratchy throat?
Cold medicine.
Cold Jokes for Kids
These jokes, which range from funny snowman puns to icy riddles, are appropriate for all ages and offer nonstop laughter. Kids will surely love them.
What was the ice cream parlor owner’s side hustle?
He was a sundae school teacher.
Where do penguins buy toys?
At Fisher Ice.
How do you make rice wine cold?
Remove the “r.”
What princess is always cold?
Snow White.
What should you eat on chilly days?
Chilly dogs.
Why did the snow boy and snow girl want to go leave the North Pole?
Because they were snow cold.
Why did the musicians put their instruments in the freezer?
Because people like cool music.
What do you call an encyclopedia in the fridge?
Cold, hard facts.
What do you call The Joker in a Cold forest?
Joaquin in a winter wonder land.
What has 4 legs and goes booo?
A cow with a cold.
What does a painter do when he gets cold?
He puts on another coat.
What do you call a cold cucumber?
A cucumbrrr.
What do you call a peanut with a cold?
Cashew.
What do you call a male Mummy with a cold?
Sir Cough.
Freezing Cold Jokes
Brrr…Feeling the chill of winter? Get ready to warm up with our freezing-cold jokes! These icy and hilarious jokes will leave you laughing in fits.
Being a masochist, I like nothing better than starting the day with a freezing cold shower.
So I have a hot one.
What happens when you leave your citizens to freeze in the cold?
They turn blue.
Why are California almond farmers so concerned about the record cold temperatures?
They don’t want their nuts to freeze off.
My boyfriend likes to keep the house freezing.
I hate it because I’m always cold, but he gave me a suggestion. He said to stand in the corner since it’s usually 90 degrees over there.
What did one shepherd say to another shepherd on a cold winter’s night?
I’m freezing! Let’s get the flock out of here!
Why is spring water always freezing cold?
Because if it were any warmer, it’d be summer water.
I was addicted to freezing poultry.
I had to go cold turkey.
Why are bank offices so cold?
They’re trying to freeze their assets.
As an adult I think I understand why Mr. Freeze got so upset when he had to put his wife, Nora, on Ice
After all no one likes cold Fries.
Did you know that dentists use freezing when taking out teeth?
It’s the cold hard tooth!
It’s cold in Canada
It’s freezing outside but my will to live is melting away
I was so cold today that my jaw started to freeze…
So I gritted my teeth
I love the look on the poor sods faces when I drive by them and they’re pissed wet through and freezing cold at the bus stop
Partly why I took the job as a bus driver tbh
Europe is like a fridge
You have the freezing cold part at the top
Then in the middle, you have cheese, cold meat, and a good drinks selection
Then down the bottom corner, there’s just turkey and grease
Final Thoughts
In conclusion, laughter is indeed the best medicine for the winter blues, and we hope that this collection of hilarious cold jokes has brought some much-needed warmth and humor into your day.
From witty one-liners to humorous anecdotes, we’ve covered it all to make you forget the biting cold and enjoy the festive season.
We’d love to hear your thoughts on these jokes and any other winter humor that you might have.
So, please share your funniest cold jokes in the comments section below and keep the laughter rolling!
