165 Hilarious Coffee Jokes to Stir Things Up

Welcome to our incredible collection of coffee jokes. Coffee is the most common beverage that most people like in the morning. The fresh aroma and well-balanced sweet and sour flavor might help you get a jump start on your day.

If you’re a coffee drinker who enjoys making jokes and sharing your sentiments with others, these funny coffee jokes are for you.

Coffee is a loyal friend and lifesaver on groggy days. Even when your body doesn’t, this caffeine friend has your back.

So, if you like coffee and want to brighten up your day (or your humor), you’ve come to the perfect place. For an additional boost in the morning… and a latte of laughter, read this collection of best coffee jokes.

Best Coffee Jokes

We all know that coffee is important for life. It’s no surprise that there are so many bizarre facts and phrases regarding this divine beverage. In this section, you will find few best coffee jokes to help you wake up in the morning with a lot of laughs.

Barista: How do you take your coffee?
Me: Very, very seriously.

Why did the coffee quit playing sports?
It always got creamed.

Where do birds go for coffee?
To the NESTcafe.

Did you hear about the guy who put World War II figures in his coffee every morning?
He heard that the best part of waking up was soldiers in your cup.

What did the coffee addict say to his doctor?
I don’t have a problem with coffee. I have a problem without it!

How does a coffee snob take their coffee?
Seriously. Very seriously.

What’s it called when you steal someone’s coffee?
Mugging!

Don’t ever let anyone tell you fairy tales aren’t real.
I wake up every morning to drink a potion made from magic beans that brings me back to life.

Someone stole my coffee cup from work today.
I’m just off down the police station now to look at a few mug shots.

Drink coffee…
Do stupid things faster with more energy.

What do you call it when you walk into a cafe, you’re sure you’ve been to before?
Déjà brew.

How do cups greet each other?
With mugs and kisses.

What did the barista’s Valentine say?
I can’t espresso my love for you.

What should a father say to his daughter every day?
You’re brewtiful.

Why shouldn’t you discuss coffee in polite company?
It can make for a strong and heated debate.

A man went to his psychiatrist and complained that every time he drinks coffee, he would get a stabbing pain in his right eye.
The psychiatrist said, “Well, have you tried taking the spoon out?”

I just got myself a top of the range coffee maker.
It has a lot of perks.

What did the excited cup of coffee say to the coffee drinker?
Pour some sugar on me, baby!

What did the coffee say to the boiling water?
We’ll kettle this in court

Why was the cup of coffee top of the class?
She was a beverage

Funny Coffee Jokes

Use some coffee puns to express your good sentiments and share them with the people you want to be with. In this category, we’ve compiled a list of funny coffee jokes to help you get through the day with lot of energy and laughter.

What do you call sad coffee?
Despresso.

I’m about to have a dangerous cup of coffee…
Safe tea first, though.

What’s the best Beatles song?
Latte Be!

Why don’t snake drink coffee?
Because it makes them viperactive.

Spouse #1: Honey, this coffee tastes like dirt.
Spouse #2: That’s not surprising, dear, it was just ground this morning.

How do you get enough coffee for a cup?
By any beans necessary!

I was on the phone with my wife and said, “I’m almost home, honey, please put the coffee maker on.”
After a twenty second pause, I asked, “You still there sweetheart?”
“Yeah,” she replied, “But I don’t think the coffee maker wants to talk right now…”

How does a tech guy drink coffee?
He installs Java!

What do you call it when cafe customers joke about their coffee?
A brewhaha.

My sister made me some coffee today.
I said to her, “You make a mean cup of coffee, sis.”
She said, “It was good?”
I replied, “I just said, it was average.”

What does a coffee lover say when they’re hitting on you?
I’ve been thinking about you a latte.

There is a time and a place for decaf coffee…
Never, and in the trash.

What does a gossiping coffee do?
Spill the beans.

What happened when one friend forgot to brew her pal a coffee?
Their friendship came to a bitter end.

What did the Brazilian coffee say to the Indonesian coffee?
“What’s Sumatra with you?”

What kind of sugar does Lady Gaga use in her coffee?
Raw raw raw raw raw.

A guy walks into a cafe and orders a coffee to go.
The coffee gets up and leaves.

What did the coffee say about its late assignment?
Better latte than never!

Hilarious Coffee Jokes

Nothing beats a nice cup of coffee for starting the day so here’s a list of hilarious coffee jokes that you might enjoy. A latte of coffee puns that will make your heart mocha happy!

How does Moses make his coffee?
Hebrews it.

I visited a coffee shop where the Wifi password was wedonthavewifi.
It was a very frustrating conversation with the cashier.

What did the coffee lover name her son?
Joe, obviously.

Why did the kangaroo stop drinking coffee?
It made him too jumpy.

How does the serial killer like his coffee?
How he likes his victims—all ground up.

What is the last thing Batman will drink in the morning?
A cup of Joker

How is divorce like espresso?
It’s expensive and bitter.

Why couldn’t the woman throw her coffee plunger away?
It had sedimental value

What do you call a cow who’s just given birth?
De-calf-inated!

What did the cup of coffee say to his friend?
What’s up, brew?

How did the hipster burn his tongue?
He drank his coffee before it was cool.

How should you react when a place has bottomless coffee?
With bottomless thanks

Why did the coffee file a police report?
Because it was mugged.

Why do they call coffee mud?
Because it was ground a couple of minutes ago.

Why didn’t the cup of coffee make it into the hip hop video?
She was bottomless

Why are all Jewish men required to make a good cup of coffee?
Because according to the Torah, He Brews!

What do coffee-loving councilors tell the patients in rehab?
Choose mugs not drugs

Every morning, I see this exhausted woman who looks like she would murder someone for a cup of coffee.
I really should move that mirror.

What do waiters who don’t bring the coffee quickly enough get?
Lukewarm applause

“Hey barista, how much for a cup of coffee?” says a customer.
“Two dollars,” replies the barista, “and refills are free.” “Great. Then I’ll have a refill,” answers the customer.

Good Coffee Jokes

The following is a list of good coffee jokes. There are a few coffee brew jokes that no one else knows (and will make you laugh out loud). Dive in!

What did the caffeine addict name his cats?
Cream and Sugar.

How do you make Pig Jerky?
Give them some coffee.

The man next to her on the train spilled coffee all over her shirt.
She responded by showing him dis-stain.

Why are men are like coffee?
The best ones are rich, hot, and can keep you up all night.

How do you know if you’ve had enough coffee?
You channel surf faster without the remote.

First astronaut: “Hey, I can’t find any milk for my coffee.”
Second astronaut: “In space, no one can. Here, uses cream.”

A pair of jumper cables walk into a cafe.
The barista sees them and says, “I’m sorry but I’ll have to ask you to leave. I don’t want you starting anything in here.”

What’s the difference between coffee and your opinion?
I asked for coffee.

What does specialty coffee have in common with Eric Clapton?
Both are good without cream.

Why are Italians so good at making coffee?
Because they know how to espresso themselves.

How are coffee beans like kids?
They’re always getting grounded!

A tall blonde woman walks into a coffee shop.
The barista says, “We have a drink named after you!”
With a confused look on her face, the blonde woman says,
“You have a drink named Lisa?”

People ask me if I wake up grumpy in the morning
No, I say. I just bring him some coffee.

I tried brewing my coffee with Red Bull instead of water.
I drank it and left my house to go to work. After 15 minutes I realized I forgot my car.

A man walks into a coffee shop carrying a big chunk of asphalt under his arm.
At the counter he says, “I’ll take a large latte for myself, please, and one for the road.”

Coffee Jokes One Liners

We have collected here some best coffee jokes one liners to laugh out. The puns you’re going to read are clean as well as humorous. None of them are filthy, and they’re all completely fantastic. Enjoy!

If the local coffee shop has awarded you “Employee of the Month” and you don’t even work there, you may be drinking too much coffee.

I drink so much coffee at work, I consider it part of my daily grind.

There are two kinds of people in the world: those who love coffee and liars.

If you sit down to enjoy a hot cup of coffee, then your boss will ask you to do something that will last until the coffee is cold.

Soup of the day: Coffee.

I have a deep respect for coffee and would never discriminate against coffee based on its gender.

Drinking too much coffee can cause a latte problem.

Words cannot espresso how much you bean to me.

Coffee has bean the grounds of many a heated and strong discussion.

What do beans say to their Valentines? You keep me grounded.

Sip me baby one more time!

I don’t call it coffee, I prefer the term, “break fluid”.

I want to expresso my love for you

I didn’t choose the mug life; the mug life chose me.

Avoid discussing coffee in a sensitive company. It can make for a heated and strong debate.

What’s a coffee’s favorite karaoke song? Hit Me With your Best Shot!

I was reading a book about the origin of cappuccino but it was all froth and no substance.

How do you take your coffee? Seriously!

Wake me up before you cocoa!

What did the coffees say before their night out? Let’s stir up some trouble!

Dirty Coffee Jokes

Can you imagine starting your day without a rush of caffeine? We’ve compiled a list of dirty coffee jokes that will make any coffee lover giggle (even before their first cup of joe). Take a look at them below.

I have found that I have been happier since I switched from coffee to orange juice.
My doctor explained to me that it is the vitamin C. Somehow, I really think it is more the vodka.

They say, a morning swim will replace any coffee.
Okay then, you go ahead, I am waiting for you at home with my cup of coffee.

What did the coffee say to their date?
Hey there, you are hot!

I like my girlfriend same way I like my coffee:
Smoking Hot!

What did the two coffee enthusiasts say when they got married?
We’re meant to bean together!

I Like My Coffee Jokes

This amusing collection of friendly and delicious I like my coffee jokes, riddles, and puns are suitable for all ages. Share these humor coffee jokes with your friends and have a good laugh together!

I like my men like I like my coffee…
Tall, dark and rich

I like my women the way I like my coffee…
50 cents, free refills

I like my women the way I like my coffee…
scalding the roof of my mouth when my brother pulls away too fast when the light turns green

I like my men like I like my coffee…
Hot, sweet and able to keep me up all night

I like my women the way I like my coffee…
kept hot in a Thermos

I like my men like I like my coffee…
Hot, strong and first thing in the morning

I like my men like I like my coffee…
Instantly ready

I like my women the way I like my coffee…
dressed up in a Catholic schoolgirl’s uniform

I like my men like I like my coffee…
Tied in a sack and dragged through the mountains

I like my women the way I like my coffee…
sweet and low

I like my women the way I like my coffee…
with donuts!!

Short Coffee Jokes

With our short coffee jokes, you’ll be able to get out of bed on the correct side. These amusing coffee jokes will give you enough energy to last the entire day.

What did the bored coffee drinker say?
Bean there, done that

Who is Al Pacino’s coffee-loving brother?
Cap…

Coffee is the most important meal of the day

How do the coffee parents punish their naughty kids?
The parents always grounded the kids when they created mischief!

What are coffee websites coded in?
JavaScript

Sleep is a weak substitute for coffee.

Caffeine is the foundation of my food pyramid.

Bad day? Coffee
Good day? Coffee
Stressed? Coffee
Happy? Coffee
Inspired? Coffee
Coffee? Coffee.

Why do I not like hot drinks?
It’s just not my cup of tea.

You call it coffee. I call it my emotional support beverage.

What do South Africans drink in the morning?
A cup of Johannesburg

How did Henry VIII like his coffee?
Decap.

What do baristas prefer?
Brewnettes

A yawn is just a silent scream for coffee.

Who makes the coffee on Tatooine?
Java the hut

Starbucks Coffee Jokes

This collection of Starbucks jokes is ideal for passing along to your neighborhood cafe’s barista or friends. If you know someone who likes coffee, these jokes are sure to make them giggle.

Why did the lead singer of Drowning Pool lose his job at Starbucks?
HE LET BISCOTTI HIT THE FLOOR

Starbucks has starting to offer free drinks during funerals
They acknowledged the need for mourning coffees

How do aliens pay for their coffees?
With Starbucks!

Ordering at Starbucks. Employee: Your name please. Man: Stephen with a ph
Pheteven it is.

So, a cheerleader walks into a Starbucks…
and shouts, “gimme a tea!”

We recommend caffeine-free coffee for pregnant women.
I’m not pregnant.
Wow, how about sugar-free then?

John robbed some coffee from Starbucks the other day.
The police are charging him for mugging.

I paid for a coffee in Starbucks earlier
I’ve no idea how much it was in Earth money

starbucks is like a hooker…
one on every corner and money upfront before they scream your name

Apparently, there is a new Promo going on in Starbucks. If you go without a mask, you’ll get a free venti later.

Go to Starbucks
Order Coffee
Tell them your name is Waldo
Leave

What’s the difference between Starbucks and a prostitute?
Nothing, they both suck and will empty your wallet!

Just been in to Starbucks and the barista was wearing a face mask
I asked “Why are you wearing a surgical mask?”
She said “I’m not, it’s a coughy filter.”

What’s the best thing about having a girlfriend who is addicted to Starbucks?
You’ll never forget her name.

What does a sick person get from Starbucks?
A coughfee

I ordered two tall blacks at Starbucks yesterday.
But they were taken away by the police.

The Starbucks in my town just hired a Jewish barista…
He brews.

I went to Starbucks and asked the barista for the mildest roast.
She said my ears were too small.

I was in Starbucks the other day and I saw a guy who dropped his coffee on the floor by mistake….
I said to the man “wow, you actually dropped it like it’s hot”

This barista at StarBucks looked so nervous as she handed me my coffee.
I think she was scared because she spelt my name wrong, she wrote “callthecops”.
I didn’t bother leaving a tip.

I made a Starbucks barista cry
I put my name down as Dad and he stood there calling it over and over again with no reply.

So, today I found out that Starbucks coffee is an 8 on the ph scale
I guess that you could say all of those white girls are basic.

I saw this guy today at Starbucks, no iPhone, no tablet, no laptop.
He just sat there drinking coffee.
Like a psychopath.

At a Starbucks job interview
“What is your name?”
-Alyssa
“Could you spell that, please?”
-L A R I S S A
“When can you start?!”

Man walks into Starbucks, not too experienced with the ordering process, he says ” I”ll just have a mild roast”.
The barrista says “you have very average ears”

Man: Would you like to try a pumpkin spice latte?
Woman: No. Since Trump came on the scene, I am boycotting everything orange.

even though coffee is more acidic, all Starbucks coffee products have a pH of 14
Extremely basic

Strong Coffee Jokes

In this category, we have assembled few strong coffee jokes for you. These amusing coffee jokes will be just your cup of tea that will lift your mood! Have fun with them!

Why did the cup of coffee lift the milk jug?
That was strong coffee

How do you make beef jerky?
Give it a cup of joe.

What do brave coffee grounds do?
They take the plunger

What kind of coffee likes to race?
Instant from an espresso machine.

What did the Italian guy say when he was teased?
Don’t mocha me!

What do you call two coffee mugs sitting next together?
A happy cup-ple.

Why can’t cups of coffee go to Hogwarts?
They’re muggles

Why didn’t the espresso ever talk to the herbal drinks?
Because it said they weren’t his cup of tea.

What do cups of coffee say when they see a friend?
How are you doing percolately?

What do you call it when an angry man yells about mixing Gatorade with espresso?
Tirade

Why did the cup of coffee always complain?
He was just bitter

What do you call coffee with sunglasses and tattoos?
Cool beans

Final Thoughts on Coffee Jokes

We hope that reading this article of coffee jokes was a true value of your time. There’s nothing good like a cup of Joe in the morning to get you going, and we’ve compiled a list of amusing funny coffee jokes for you!

They’re far from feeble; in fact, they’re so powerful that you’re guaranteed to enjoy them! You may brighten someone’s day, attract someone’s attention, or simply have an amusing phrase to write on a birthday card.

Use these coffee jokes to get you through the day, and you’ll make others smile and chuckle along with them also.

You can carry a few in your back pocket to impress or cheer someone up when the occasion arises. A goofy pun can make anyone’s day, especially when it’s about something everyone enjoys, such as coffee.

If you’re a serious or not-so-serious coffee lover, this list has all of the best jokes about coffee that will make you laugh while also reminding you of how amazing coffee can be!

Thanks for going through this article of best coffee jokes. Keep laughing!