186 Hilarious Cancer Jokes to Help People Feel Less Overwhelmed

Cancer is a challenging journey that affects individuals and their loved ones in profound ways.

A renowned philosopher Victor Borge once said, “Laughter is the shortest distance between two people.”

In line with this sentiment, we present a collection of cancer jokes, to help alleviate some of the overwhelming emotions associated with the disease.

These jokes aim to offer a brief respite from the difficulties that cancer brings.

So, whether you’re a patient or simply looking for a laugh, take a look at cancer jokes and discover the power of humor to bring people together.

Best Cancer Jokes

Welcome to our collection of the best cancer jokes that guarantee a good laugh while navigating the complexities of this challenging illness.

Started smoking for this girl who told me she was into people with cancer
Turns out she was talking about zodiacs. Anyway I’ve got three months to live.

What do you call a fish looking for cancer treatment?
Finding chemo.

What’s the difference between me and cancer?
My dad didn’t beat cancer

You hear a cancer joke and it makes you laugh…
… until you get it.

I once ran for class president against a boy with terminal cancer
I know I lost to the simpathy vote, although in retrospective I did run a very negative campaign
“Vote for me, I won’t abandon you in 2 months”

My mom is officially cancer free!!
So, we were thinking of scattering her ashes by the ocean, or maybe keep them in an urn.

I used to hate cancer.
But recently, it’s been growing on me.

Guys I just beat stage 1 of cancer
Now I’m at stage 2.

Yesterday the doctor told me I had cancer…
“I’m scared” I replied
“Don’t worry” the doctor said. “It’s all in your head”

It is not cancer.
It is personal growth.

What did the blonde do when she learned 1 in 8 women will get breast cancer?
She decided to only hang out in groups of 7 or fewer.

What’s the best way to get chewing gum out of your hair?
Cancer.

what’s the difference between me and cancer?
My dad didn’t beat cancer.

Doctor says: “I have bad news. You have Cancer and Alzheimer.”
Patient says: “Well, at least I don’t have cancer”

Chuck Norris had cancer
the cancer died from Chuck Norris.

I lost a friend to cancer today.
He didn’t die, he just didn’t appreciate the nick name Tumour Rick.

Dark Humor is like Cancer
not everyone gets it.

Funny Cancer Jokes

Get ready to laugh with our funny cancer jokes that bring a smile to your face even during difficult times.

Everyone tells you that smoking causes cancer…
What they don’t tell you is that it cures salmon!

I got this from my 12yo cancer patient as I was rounding today…
How do you put an elephant in a Safeway bag?
You take the f out of safe and the f out of way.

What do cancer and the news have in common
White blood Sells

What do you call it when someone gets part of their large intestine removed due to malignant bowel cancer?
A semi colon

How does a lawyer get rid of their cancer?
They write a cease and de-cyst.

What’s the best vitamin for cancer patients?
B9

We are going to operate on Mike tonight for his stomach cancer.
Today is open Mike night.

I’ve heard like seven cancer jokes today…
If I hear tumor it’s gonna benign.

Met a guy at the bar last night who looked a bit down
I asked him “what’s up man you look a bit down”
He said “I’ve just be diagnosed with the big C”
I said “Cancer?”
He said “No dyslexia”

They said beating cancer was hard, and lucky
But im already on stage \*4\*

I’m cancer free!
Now I’m dating a girl with different zodiac sign.

Did you know that every Zodiac sign has its own hairstyle?
For example, bald is Cancer.

Cancer is to reddit what olympics are to athletes
It gets you medals

What do you give the mass murderer who cured cancer?
The no-bail prize

When I was young I was friends with a kid with cancer for a few months.
I was his friend for life.

Hilarious Cancer Jokes

Are you in need of a hearty laugh? Look no further. Our collection of hilarious cancer jokes will lighten the mood and brighten your day.

Me: “Double it and give it to the next person.”
Doctor: “I’m sorry, Sir, but that’s not how cancer works.”

A woman stopped an Irishman in the street the other day. She asked, ‘Can you spare a few minutes for cancer research?’
‘All right,’ the Irishman replied, ‘but we won’t get much done.’

I thought my vitamin might be cancerous
Fortunately, the tests showed it was B-9

What do you call cancer when it achieves sentience?
A reddit mod.

Good News! We’ve discovered the cure for cancer!
Bad news: It’s eugenics.

I never expected Facebook to own the whole “cancer on society” thing.
But they’re really Meta-stasizing!

Finally finished my chemotherapy!
Cancer can go suck my ball

You wanna hear about something ironic? My grandma’s zodiac sign was Cancer.
She was killed… by a giant crab.

Do you have brain cancer?
Just stop having brain cancer! It’s all in your head!

I don’t know why it’s said they lose the battle with cancer when someone dies from it
I mean, at the moment of death, both you AND cancer ceases to live, thats a draw.
Rip Norm.

A professor finds a cure for cancer right before falling into a vat of chickpea dip and dying
He was awarded post-hummous-ly

Did you hear about that new Netflix series about a chemistry teacher that finds out he has cancer and secretly opens a bakery to provide for his family when he’s gone?
It’s called Baking Bread.

My mum’s starsign was cancer, pretty ironic how she died…
She was eaten by a massive crab

I had colon cancer and yesterday, they had to remove a part of it
Now I just have a;

The ghost buster’s entered the hospital to see their friend who has been diagnosed with cancer
When they walk in they’re stopped by a doctor who says
-Sorry no spawn camping.

Dark Cancer Jokes

Hey! Enter the realm of dark humor with these cancer jokes that explore the boundaries of comedy while acknowledging the seriousness of the disease.

Doctor: I’m afraid you have cancer and Alzheimer’s.
Patient: Hey, at least I don’t have cancer!

I am currently working on eliminating all cancers.
Virgos are next.

I don’t see why people say dealing with cancer is hard.
I’m already on stage four.

So I went to the doctor’s office and the doctor said, “Pick a star sign, any star sign,” so I said “Aquarius,” and the doctor said, “Nah mate you’ve got cancer.”

Which doctor sees cancer patients at 3am?
The on-call-ogist.

Why did the cancer specialist keep getting phone calls in the middle of the night?
He was an on-call-ogist.

The doctor told me I only have 2 months to live due to cancer…
So I killed the doctor and the judge gave me 20 years.

Astrology is bunk.
I’m Sagittarius, but everyone says I’m a Cancer

Why doesn’t Joe Biden visit children with cancer in hospitals?
Because he can’t sniff their hair.

Terminal Cancer Jokes

We acknowledge that facing terminal cancer can be incredibly tough, these jokes provide a moment of levity to cope with the gravity of the situation.

A doctor tells his patient he has terminal cancer
“Oh, my God!” the guy says. “How long do I have left?”
“Seven,” says the doctor.
“Seven what, doc?” says the guy. “Months? Years?”
“Six, ” says the doctor.

How did the terminal cancer patient do in school?
He passed.

Dark humor is like a child with terminal cancer
It never gets old

All the anti-gravity experiments I conducted gave my son terminal cancer
It was incredibly hard to put him down.

A calendar gets diagnosed with terminal cancer…
Poignant and pensive, he says, “I suppose my days are numbered.”

Why can’t you smoke at airports?
Cause it gives you terminal cancer.

A horse walks into a bar, the bartender says”Why the long face?”
”My wife is dying of terminal cancer”

A Tik-Tok user who shot videos in the airport was taken to the hospital today..
He was diagnosed with terminal cancer.

Kid with Cancer: When I get older, I want to be a movie star or a singer.
Nure: *Laughs*
Kid: Why are you laughing?
Nurse: When I get OLDER.
Proceeds to laugh.

A woman comes to the doctors an says ‘doctor, I think I have cancer’ the doctor checks it out ‘it’s all in your head’ the doctor says ‘phew’ said the woman, ‘a bunch of tumors, all in your head’

What does milk and a kid with cancer have in common?
An expiration date.

What’s it called when somebody is sick at an airport?
A terminal illness

My computer died after getting a virus.
It was a terminal illness.

I got sick waiting to board my flight
It was a terminal illness.

Lung Cancer Jokes

The lung cancer jokes bring humor to a specific aspect of the disease, shedding light on the importance of awareness and support.

How did the thrifter get lung cancer?
By breathing in second-hand smoke

What’s the difference between Me and Lung Cancer?
My dad didn’t beat Lung Cancer.

Lung cancer has done a real number on me; I don’t have long left. Doc said he’s going to get me a donor lung..
…but I’m not holding my breath.

We’ve just found out something crazy about your grandpa, he’s just like Walter White!
Was not a fun way to be told that he has lung cancer

Rush Limbaugh: “I have lung cancer.”
Everyone under 50: “OK tumor”

Doctor: “i’m sorry to say you’ve got lung cancer.”
Patient: [tearing up] “oh god, no!”

Doctor: “Sorry to say it because it’s not true, lol April Fools!”
Patient: [angry] “What the hell?”
Doctor: “Yeah, pranked you, the cancer’s in your pancreas.”

I have a belief that EVERYTHING bad or upsetting can be improved with humor.
Do you have any chemotherapy jokes for me?

I am a 15yo guy, she is a 17yo girl who has a nonsmoker’s lung cancer.
Any positive or uplifting jokes will be appreciated.

A man buys a pack of cigarettes, warning label on the pack says: Smoking causes impotence.
The man gives it back and says “WTF is this? Give me the one that causes lung cancer instead.”

Don’t call yourself a Chainsmokers fan…
..unless you have stage 4 lung cancer.

A Venezuelan went to the doctor and was diagnosed with lung cancer.
So he reached in his pocket, took out an envelope and discretely handed it to the doctor. The doctor opened it. Counted the money.
Turns out it was just a little cough.

At this point in my life…
At this point in my life, I drink so I can smoke and I smoke after the bad decisions i made wile drinking, then I drink to forget that I am dying of lung cancer.

What’s easier to get, aids or lung cancer?
Depends what you smoke.

My grandpa just died of lung cancer…
He fought it asbestos he could.

There’s only one thing I haven’t quit on…
Now I have lung cancer.

Cancer Jokes for Patients

Our jokes for those on the cancer journey aim to bring laughter and a sense of shared experience to uplift patients’ spirits.

How is dark humor like cancer?
It’s even funnier when children get it.

Why do people say cancer is hard to beat?
“I’m already on Stage 4.”

Did you hear about the story of the husband who told his wife she’d look sexier with her hair back?
Apparently, that’s not a nice thing to say to cancer patients.

What do you and cancer have in common?
Nobody wants you inside of them.

A doctor says, “The good news is it’s all in your head.”
“The bad news is it’s brain cancer.”

A young man cracked a joke about dementia to his friend on the bus. The old man sitting next to him politely asked. “Can you stop making jokes about terminal diseases?”
He replied, “Yes I cancer.” Then he cracked tumor.

EMINEM: His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy
WebMD: Cancer.

Have you heard the saying “Smoking causes cancer?”
But it cures salmon.

How many cancer patients does it take to change a light bulb?
1 and 12 people to say how inspiring it was.

Adam gave Sally 3 flowers and 1 stuffed animal. Kristen gave Sally 5 flowers and 2 stuffed animals. What does Sally have?
Cancer.

How do you know that vaccines cause cancer?
You’ll actually live long enough to get it.

Did you hear about the testicular cancer survivor who won the lottery?
When he found out, the guy went nut.

What kind of cancer was Jar Jar diagnosed with?
Meesathelioma.

The ghostbusters entered the hospital to see their friend who has been diagnosed with cancer.
When they walk in they’re stopped by a doctor who says, “Sorry no spawn camping.”

Karen: Hello, Dr. Doctor: I haven’t been feeling well recently. I’ve reviewed your lab reports, and I’m afraid I have some bad news for you.
Karen: You bureaucratic document pusher, don’t give me this lab bullshit! In any case, I don’t trust Western medicine! I’ve always believed in homeopathy, faith-based techniques, and healing crystals, and they’ve never let me down. Will you now handle things my way, or do I need to speak with hospital management?
Doctor: Sure thing, woman. We’ll follow your way. Does an astrological approach suit you?
Karen: That’s much better! Naturally, it would!
Doctor: What’s your birth sign?
Karen: Cancer.
Doctor: Well what a fucking coincidence.

Buzzfeed employee is diagnosed with stage 2 brain cancer.
Doctor: Number 4 will blow your mind.

What did the disabled boy get for Christmas?
Cancer.

How is the 85-year-old Contractor that survived lung cancer doing?
Asbestos he can.

A man diagnosed with cancer was given six months to live, but he worked hard and proved them wrong.
He killed himself three hours later.

Son visits the doctor with his father. The doctor informs them that their father is dying of cancer.
Father informs his son that he has had a good long life and wants to celebrate by stopping at the boozer on the way home.
The father runs into several of his buddies at the pub. He informs them that he is dying from AIDS. The news stunned and saddened his friends. They offered to pay the bill and buy extra drinks. The group had a great time telling stories and saying their goodbyes to the father.
When the friends left, the son inquires, “You’re dying of cancer, Dad. Why did you tell them you were dying from AIDS?”
The father replies, “I don’t want them fucking your mother after I’m gone!”

Why do people think that cancer is so hard to beat.
“I’m already at stage 4…..”

What do a good joke and a child with cancer have in common?
They never get old.

What type of cancer is an anarchist immune to?
Prostate.

What do you call a cancer doctor who works 24/7?
An on-call ogist.

How did the grammar nazi die?
They got semicolon cancer.

Two men are roommates in a hospital. Because they are both weak from sickness, the men are unable to speak for weeks.
Finally, one man says to the other, “American.”
His roommate replies, “Canadian.”
Another week goes by and the first man says weakly, “Danny.”
The roommate can only reply, “Phil.”
Another week passes and the first man mutters to his roommate, “Cancer.”
His roommate replies back, “Virgo.”

What is the difference between smoking and Gollum?
One can give you cancer and the other’s just a bad hobbit.

Why did the English professor have to visit his proctologist?
Because he had semi-colon cancer.

What do you call a cancer doctor who has to work after hours?
An on-call-ogist.

Do you know what they say about testicular cancer?
It takes balls.

Why did the beef brisket catch lung cancer?
It smoked for 6 hours.

What kind of treatment does a clownfish need when it gets cancer?
Nemo therapy.

A man walks into a doctor’s clinic.
After running tests the doctor says to the guy, “I’m sorry but I have two bits of bad news.”
“The first is that you have cancer.”
The guy goes, “Well shit. What’s the other bad news?”
The doctor says, “You have Alzheimer’s.”
The guy says, “Well, at least I don’t have cancer.”

Dr. Seuss cheated on his wife for 13 years while she was battling cancer and then married his mistress after she died.
He really said, “One bitch, two bitch, dead bitch, new bitch.”

What religious group has more cases of cancer than any other?
Catholics, there have new masses every week.

What’s worse than crab on your piano?
Cancer on your organs.

What did Tonto call The Lone Ranger when he got cancer?
Chemosabe.

A man visits the neighborhood pharmacist after his wife is diagnosed with terminal cancer.
“You must assist me,” the man says. “The doctor predicted that my wife will die on Wednesday.”
“Say no more!” exclaims the apothecary, handing the man a container of tablets. “Please instruct your wife to take these.”
The man follows orders and returns to the pharmacy.
“Did that work?” inquires the apothecary.
“My wife took the tablets and she died!” exclaims the man.
“Yes, but not on Wednesday.”

What do you call incurable cancer?
Can’tcer.

What did the oncologist say to his mum when he couldn’t figure out what cancer she had?
Adenoma.

What type of disease are politicians afraid of?
Pro-state cancer.

What do you call the grizzly that told Goldilocks she has cancer?
The bear of bad news.

Did you know the English alphabet can give you skin cancer?
It’s because of the UV.

What do you do when your pet dinosaur gets cancer?
Take it to a paleoncologist.

On Christmas Day, a young child phones his best friend.
“HEY! “How did you spend your Christmas?” “Well, I got a gift card and a t-shirt…you?” replies the second small kid.
“Oh man, I got a new scooter, a new 3DS XL,” the first small child exclaims. A PlayStation Vita. On Friday, we were going to Disneyland on a new bike. I can’t believe you only got a gift card and a t-shirt!” “Well…at least I don’t have cancer,” says the second little child.

Why did the talk show host get cancer?
Because he was really radio-active.

Did you hear about the party for testicular cancer survivors?
Everyone had a ball.

A horse walks into a bar, and the bartender asks him, “Why the long face?”
Horse: I have cancer.

What do you call it when a dying cancer patient busts out some sick rhymes at a train station?
Terminally ill.

What did the man with spinal cancer say?
My back is killing me!

What’s it called when you laugh so hard that you get immune cancer?
A LMFAOma.

What do amnesia and breast cancer have in common?
They both cause you to lose your mammaries.

How much cancer is too much?
Two more.

A pirate goes to the doctor.
He was worried that the moles on his back might be cancerous.
The doctor inspects them. “It’s ok,” he says. “They’re benign.”
The pirate replies “Check ’em again matey, I think there be at least ten!”

Which pawn stores give you cancer?
The ones full of second-hand smoke.

What is the zodiac sign your grandma doesn’t want to have?
A cancer.

How do ancient elephants scan for cancer?
With a mammothgram.

What helps against gum in your hair?
Cancer.

What’s smelly, yellow, and has thirteen breasts?
The trash bin from a cancer centre.

An elderly Jewish man is dying on his deathbed, surrounded by his wife Becky. “Many years ago, Becky, we were in Germany when the war started,” he adds to her. “Becky, you were there for me.”
“The Germans arrived and led us to their camps. Becky, you were there for me.”
“We leave Germany after the war and arrive in London with very little money. Becky, you were there for me.”
“We bought the jewelers shop and had some poor luck, being battered and robbed. Becky, you were there for me.”
“We were there for many years, however, we, unfortunately, lost the shop. Becky, you were there for me.”
“We lose our house and Becky, you were still by my side.”
“We have many, many bad times, and Becky, you are always there, right by my side.”
“And here I am. I have cancer and I am dying and Becky, once again, you are by my side.”
“Becky, I think that you are a bloody jinx.”

What is the purpose of a breast cancer awareness week?
To keep cancer from getting the breast of us.

What did they call cancer in the dark ages?
Damn cells in distress.

What did the doctor say to the 1920’s architect with lung cancer?
We’ll take care of it asbestos possible.

What type of medical condition excites politicians?
Pro-state cancer.

A woman goes to the doctor complaining of stomach cramps.
She gets sent off for some tests and comes back a week later.
“Well, I hope you’re ready for endless sleepless nights of crying and changing dirty diapers!” the doc says.
“Wow, you mean I’m pregnant?” the woman replies thrilled.
“No, you’ve got bowel cancer.”

What’s ten feet long and bald?
The conga line in the cancer ward.

What do you call a kid with cancer walking through the airport?
Terminal.

A guy goes to the doctor. He finds out he has cancer and three months to live. He asks the doctor, “Is there anything we can do?”
The doctor says, “Well you could take mud baths.”
The guy says, “Oh great will that help me live longer?”
The doctor says, “No, but it will get you used to being in the dirt.”

What does a kid with no arms and legs get for Christmas?
Cancer.

A woman goes to the doctor.
The doctor tells her, “I’m afraid you have cancer.”
The woman is enraged and says “ I don’t believe you I want a second opinion” The doctor says “Ok you’re ugly as well”.

What’s easier to get, AIDS or lung cancer?
Depends on what you smoke.

What does a cow do when it gets cancer?
It goes for Creamotherapy.

Have a better cancer joke?
Post your own cancer puns in the comment section below!

Cancer Jokes for Adults

Hi, To the mature audience! Our cancer jokes tackle the topic with a touch of adult humor, reminding us that laughter knows no age limits.

My grandfather developed cancer in his early twenties.
He is considered to be the most evil scientist that ever lived.

My wife’s starsign was Cancer, which is quite ironic really, thinking about how she died…
She was attacked by a giant crab

My dad’s sign was cancer. It’s so ironic how he died.
He was attacked by a giant crab.

My cousin’s horoscope was Cancer. Funny how she died…
She got eaten by a giant crab

My wife’s star-sign was Cancer, so I guess you could say it was ironic how she died.
Mauled to death by a giant crab.

Why did Ellen Pao fire an employee with cancer?
She felt threatened by someone more malignant than herself

Okay to tell dead Steve Jobs jokes now?
What’s the difference between cancer and the middle class? At least cancer got Jobs.

An old man went to the doctor
The doctor says “I’m afraid I have bad news. You have cancer… And you have alzheimer’s.”
The old man says “Well, at least I don’t have cancer!”

My doctor diagnosed me with cancer and Alzheimer’s.
At least it isn’t cancer.
I’m so sorry.

My mother’s star sign was cancer. Ironic how she died, really.
She died due to fatal injuries from a giant crab attack.

I’ve heard like eight cancer jokes today…
If I hear another one it’s gonna benign

My aunt’s star sign was cancer, pretty ironic how she died
She was eaten by a giant crab

I said to my girlfriend that I think she’d look sexier with her hair back…
Which is apparently an insensitive thing to say to a cancer patient.

Where do fashionable kids with cancer like to shop for clothes?
Never 21

A man stands over the coffin of his deceased wife. “Her star sign was cancer you know” he says. ” I guess it’s ironic…”
“That she was killed by a giant crab.”

A man is dying of cancer…
But he tells everyone he’s dying of aids
His son asks him why.
He replies “So no one will have s**… with my wife when I’m gone”

It turns out vaccines cause cancer.
You’ll actually live long enough to get it.

So I told my wife she’d look sexier with her hair back
Apparently that’s not a nice thing to say to cancer patients.

My friend, who’s star sign was cancer, died very ironically.
He was mauled by a giant crab.

Vaccinated babies are 10 times more likely to die from heart disease, cancer, and alzheimer’s.
Keep kids from dying from old age, stop vaccinating today.

Yesterday, my wife told me she has breast cancer
Honey, she said, there’s a couple things I need to get off my chest.

Dark humor is like cancer.
It’s even funnier when children get it.

I don’t get why people say cancer is hard to beat
I’m already on Stage 4

My wife has just been diagnosed with breast cancer…
Doctor told us that mastectomy will be necessary.
Today, I went online to see if there is any alternative…
Emma, 28 years old, NY. Looks cute…

Doctor: You have Alzheimer’s and cancer.
Patient: Thank God it’s not Alzheimer’s.

The Testicular Cancer Clinic called me and said, Did you get our email?