153 Hilarious Bar Jokes to Spark Your Night Out
Bar jokes are always very funny and enjoyable. When you encounter an unpleasant pause, going out to your favorite bar is a good idea. A funny story is a wonderful icebreaker whether you’re out with friends or on a first date.
The old-fashioned “guy comes into a pub” joke is a great choice for a bad joke. That’s why we’ve included some of our greatest puns and bad jokes here. With these, you’ll entertain your loved ones.
We compiled a list of funny bar jokes that will make you laugh uncontrollably. Bar jokes are always appropriate for every event. They can make people huff, blast air violently out of their noses, and most significantly, laugh. Therefore, read our whole article about amusing bar jokes.
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Table of Contents
Best Bar Jokes
One of the best bar jokes might be, that two chemists enter a bar. “I’ll take a glass of H20,” says the first chemist. “I’ll have H20, too,” replies the second chemist. The first chemist bursts into tears. His assassination attempt was unsuccessful.
The past, present, and future walk into a bar…
It was tense.
A man walks into a bar. He said, “Ouch.”
An oxymoron walks into a bar, and the sound was deafening.
The NSA walks into a bar.
“Hey, I’ve got a great new joke for you!” the barman says.
The NSA smiles and says, “Heard it.”
Comic Sans, Helvetica, and Times New Roman walk into a bar.
“Get out!” shouts the barman. “We don’t serve your type here!”
So a five-dollar bill walks into a bar, and the bartender says, “Hey, this is a singles bar.”
A dangling participle walks into a bar. Enjoying a cocktail and chatting with the bartender, the evening passes pleasantly.
David Hasselhoff walks into a bar and says to the barman, “I want you to call me David Hoff.”
The barman replies “sure thing, Dave… no hassle.”
An amnesiac walks into a bar.
He goes up to a beautiful blonde and says, “So, do I come here often?”
A man walks into a bar. As he sits down, he looks up and notices three pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling.
He asks the bartender, “What’s with the meat?”
The bartender says, “If you can jump up and slap all three pieces at once, you get free drinks for an hour. If you miss even one, you pay for everyone else’s drinks for the rest of the night. Wanna give it a go?”
The man takes another look at the meat and says, “I think I’ll pass. The steaks are too high.”
Funny Bar Jokes
A blind guy enters a pub, takes his dog by the rear legs, and begins to swing the dog in a circle. “Hey friend, what are you doing?” asks the bartender. “Don’t mind me, I’m just looking around,” the blind guy adds. This is one of the best funny bar jokes.
Two dragons walk into a bar.
The first one says, “It sure is hot in here.”
His friend snaps back, “Shut your mouth!”
A screwdriver rolls into a bar.
The bartender says, “Hey, we have a drink named after you!”
The screwdriver squeals, “You have a drink named Philip?”
Two guys walk into a bar. The third one ducks.
Two quotation marks walk into a “bar.”
An infinite amount of mathematicians walked into a bar.
The first ordered a pint, the second ordered a half pint, the third ordered a fourth pint, etc.
The Bartender eventually walked up and gave them two pints and said: “You mathematicians don’t know your limits.”
A crab walks into a bar and says, “I’ll have a pint please, but if I’m not satisfied with it, I’d like to be compensated with 10 bottles of champagne.”
The bartender says, “Why the big clause?”
The barman says, “We don’t serve time-travelers in here.”
A time-traveler walks into a bar.
A gorilla walks into a bar and says, “A scotch on the rocks, please.” The gorilla hands the bartender a $10 bill.
The bartender thinks to himself, “This gorilla doesn’t know the prices of drinks,” and gives him 15 cents change.
The bartender says, “You know, we don’t get too many gorillas in here.”
The gorilla replies, “Well, at $9.85 a drink, I ain’t coming back, either.”
A French man walks into a bar with a cat on his shoulder. The cat is wearing a little baseball cap.
“Hey, that’s neat,” says the bartender. “Where did you get that?” “France,”
the kitty says. “They’ve got millions of them!”
A panda walks into a bar.
He gobbles some beer nuts, then pulls out a pistol, fires it in the air, and heads for the door.
“Hey!” shouts the bartender, but the panda yells back, “I’m a panda. Google me!”
Sure enough, the definition for panda was: “A tree-climbing mammal with distinct black and white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves.”
A guy goes onto a rooftop bar and is sitting next to a guy who says he’s drinking a magical drink. He asks, “What’s so magical about it?”
The guy drives a car and flies it around the rooftop. The other tries, but falls off and dies. The bartender shakes his head and says, “Y’know, you’re a real jerk when you’re drunk, Superman.”
Two termites walk into a bar. One asks, “Is the bartender here?”
A malapropism walks into a bar, looking for all intents and purposes like a wolf in cheap clothing, muttering epitaphs and casting dispersions on his magnificent other, who takes him for granite.
This cowboy walks into a bar.
His hat is made of brown wrapping paper. His shirt and vest are made of waxed paper. And his chaps, pants, and boots are made of tissue paper. Pretty soon they arrest him for rustling.
Hilarious Bar Jokes
“All Lawyers Are Pigs,” says a man as he walks into a bar. “I Object to That Remark,” says a man who was sitting at the end of the bar. “Why are you a lawyer?” says the guy. This is one of the hilarious bar jokes for your entertainment.
Julius Caesar walks into a bar and says, “I’ll have a Martinus.”
The bartender gives him a puzzled look and asks, “Don’t you mean a Martini?” “Look,” Caesar replies. “If I wanted a double, I’d have asked for it!”
A guy walks into a bar and asks for fruit punch the bartender says “sure just get in line”.
The guy looks over and gets confused cause there’s no punchline.
A neutron walks into a bar.
“How much for a beer?” the neutron asks.
“For you?” says the bartender. “No charge.”
A man walks into a bar owned by horses.
The bartender says, “Why the short face?”
Two jumper cables walk into a bar.
One of them says, “We’d like a couple of beers, please.”
The bartender says, “OK, but don’t start anything.”
Give a man a duck and he’ll eat for a day.
Teach a man to duck and he’ll never walk into a bar.
A man runs into a bar.
Panting, he tells the barkeep, “Give me 10 shots of your best whiskey — quick!”
So the barkeep sets them up, and the man knocks them all back in seconds.
“Why are you drinking so fast?” asks the barkeep.
“You’d drink fast too if you had what I have,” says the man.
“Why, what do you have?” asks the barkeep.
“Only 12 cents.”
ƒ(x) walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t cater for functions.”
Two cannibals walk into a bar and sit beside this clown. The first cannibal whacks the clown on the head and they both start eating the clown.
Suddenly the second cannibal looks up and says, “Hey, do you taste something funny?”
An SEO expert walks into a bar, bars, pub, tavern, public house, Irish pub, drinks, beer, alcohol.
A ghost walks into a bar and the bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t serve spirits.”
A panda, a cowboy, a man with a cat on his shoulder, and a time-traveler walk into a bar.
“What is this,” the bartender yells. “Some kind of joke?”
A unicorn walks into a bar and asks for a beer.
The bartender, quite surprised to see a unicorn in the bar says, “That will be $7.50; and by the way, we’ve never seen a unicorn in here.”
The unicorn replies, “At $7.50 a beer, I can understand why.”
A polar bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender: “I’ll have a Gin and… Tonic.”
The bartender asks, “Why the big pause?” And the polar bear replies, “I don’t know, I’ve always had them.”
A ship captain walks into a bar, he has an eye patch and a peg leg, and also a ship’s wheel in his pants.
The bartender asks, “Hey, does that eyepatch ever get itchy?”
“Nay, lad, now make with the grog,” says the captain.
“What about that peg leg? It’s got to be annoying?”
“Nay again, lad, you get used to it.”
“But that ship’s wheel in your pants…”
“Aye, it’s drivin’ me nuts!”
A penguin walks into a bar.
The bartender says, “So, what will it be this time?”
The penguin doesn’t answer because it’s a penguin.
A mixed metaphor walks into a bar, seeing the handwriting on the wall, but hoping to nip it in the bud.
A duck walks into a bar and says to the bartender, “I’d like to buy some peanuts.”
The bartender says, “Sorry, don’t sell peanuts.” The duck leaves.
The next day, the duck returns and again says, “I want to buy some peanuts.” The bartender replies, a bit gruffly this time, “I already told you I don’t sell peanuts.” The duck leaves.
The next day, the duck comes in once again and yet again demands, “I want to buy some peanuts!” The outraged bartender yells back, “I told you, I don’t sell peanuts! If you ask one more time, I’ll nail you to the wall!” The duck leaves.
The next day, the duck walks into the bar and before the bartender can say a word, the duck asks, “Do you have any nails?”
The bartender looks taken aback and says quietly, “Sorry, don’t have nails.”
The duck asks, “Well then, do you have any peanuts?”
A weasel walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Wow, I’ve never served a weasel before. What can I get you?”
“Pop,” goes the weasel.
A horse walks into a bar. The shocked bartender points a finger his way in alarm and yells, “Hey!”
The horse says, “You read my mind, buddy.”
This grasshopper walks into a bar, and the bartender says, “Hey! We have a drink named after you!”
The grasshopper replies, “Really? You have a drink named Steve?!”
Classic Bar Jokes
When a man enters a bar restaurant, he is surprised to discover a horse behind the bar. Hey buddy, what’s up? he bellows as he finishes preparing a fantastic Horse’s Neck for the spellbound customer. You don’t think a horse can serve drinks? The boys respond, “No.” I find it hard to believe the ferret bought the house. This fits into the genre of classic bar jokes.
A pun, a play on words, and a limerick walk into a bar.
No joke.
A run-on sentence walks into a bar and starts flirting with a cute little sentence fragment.
A man walks into a bar, then goes to the bathroom. He comes out, goes to the bartender.
He says, “You’ve got a great place, but my buddy was here last night, and he said you have golden urinals. Where are they?”
The bartender turns to the band and yells, “Frank, I’ve got a lead on the guy who ruined your sax!”
A dyslexic man walks into a bra…
Two scientists walk into a bar.
One says, “I’ll have an H2O please”
The second scientist says, “I’ll have an H2O too.”
The second scientist died.
A tennis ball walks into a bar.
The barman says, “Have you been served?”
An Irishman walks into a bar in New York City and orders three pints of beer. He drinks each one in turn and walks out. The next night he returns, and again orders three pints of beer, and then again the next night.
The bartender offers to serve them consecutively so they won’t go flat, but the Irishman explains, “I’d rather see them all lined up before me. I left two brothers behind in Ireland, and since we used to meet at the pub every night and have a pint together, I feel closer to them when I come to drink my pint and their two.”
This goes on for a year, and then one night, the Irishman fails to come in. The regulars are concerned, and then saddened when he returns a few nights later and orders only two pints of beer.
When the bartender serves him, he says, “I see you didn’t order a beer for one of your brothers. My condolences on your loss.”
“My brothers are still alive,” the Irishman says. “I didn’t order my own beer; my wife made me promise to give up drinking.”
A guy walks into a bar and yells, “All lawyers are assholes.”
The man at the end of the bar says, “I object to that remark.”
The guy responds, “Why? Are you a lawyer?”
“No, I’m an asshole,” says the man.
A figure of speech literally walks into a bar and ends up getting figuratively hammered.
A corn stalk walks into a bar.
The bartender says, “Want to hear a joke?”
The corn stalk replies, “I’m all ears!”
Bar Jokes One Liners
A sandwich enters a bar restaurant. “Sorry, we don’t offer meals here,” the bartender adds. This fits well into the genre of bar jokes one-liners for your entertainment.
Why didn’t the bartender serve the snake?
Because he couldn’t hold his beer.
So this lawyer walks into a bar and asks “Is this where I take the exam?”
What do two condoms say when walking past a gay bar.
Wanna go get shit-faced?
Four gays in the bar and only one stool. What do they do?
Turn it over!
A cat walks into a bar and orders a glass of water. The bartender asks, “Are you going to drink it, or just knock it over on purpose?”
What does a termite say when he walks into a bar?
Is the bartender here?
A dog walks into a bar then out, then in, then back out.
An Irishman walks by a bar… it could happen.
What did the Bartender say when two jumper cables walk into a bar.
You guys better not start anything in here.
When you start laying out shots on the bar, there are only two kinds of people.
Drinks at the bar should be served in capri sun-like pouches, and if you can’t get the straw in then they cut you off.
Some jumper cables walk into the bar. Bartender immediately says “I don’t want you guys starting anything in here!!”
Schrödinger’s cat walks into a bar.
And doesn’t.
A snake walks into a bar.
The bartender says, “How the hell did you do that?”
Dissatisfied with the lack of thoroughness in the demolition of the old tavern, he got into the bulldozer himself and razed the bar to a new level.
A man walked into a bar and ordered a drink, and the bartender said, “I thought you quit drinking”!
Man replies “no I just wanted to cut my drinking in half so I joined A”
When a creepy guy buys you a drink and won’t leave you alone for the rest of the night.
Do you serve woman at this bar?
No sir, you must bring your own.
Witty Bar Jokes
One of the best witty bar jokes might be, A neutron enters a bar restaurant and places an order for a beverage. After the neutron has finished his drink, he inquires the bartender, “How much money do I owe you?” In response, the bartender says, “For you, neutron, no charge.”
A lion walks into a bar and asks the bartender, “Do you have any jobs?”
The bartender shakes his head sadly and says, “No, sorry. Why don’t you try the circus?”
The lion replies, “Why would the circus need a bartender?”
A man with authority walks into a bar.
He orders everyone around.
A guy walks into a bar with a piece of asphalt under his arm.
He asks for one beer, and one for the road.
A blind man walks into a bar. And a table. And a door. And a staircase.
A sperm donor, a carpenter, and Julius Caesar walk into a bar.
He came, he saw, he conquered.
A non-renewable natural resource walks into a bar and orders a tall glass of whiskey.
The bartender says, “Sorry friend, I can’t serve you; you’ve been getting wasted all day long!”
A man walks into a bar with a piece of asphalt under his arm and says, “A beer, please! And one for the road!”
Descartes walked into a bar and ordered a beer.
“Want another?” asked the bartender.
“I think not”, Descartes replied … then he disappeared.
A broke guy walks past a pub. He looks at the door longingly, but since he has no money, he walks on. Just then, he spots a lamp lying in the gutter. He picks it up and rubs it, and a genie emerges.
“I will grant you three wishes,” intones the genie.
“Give me a bottomless mug of beer,” the guy says.
A mug of beer appears in his hand. He takes a sip, then another. With each chug, the mug magically refills.
“And for your other two wishes?” asks the genie.
Between swallows, the lucky guy shouts, “Give me two more just like this one!”
A Scottish man walks into a bar…
There’s usually an Irish man and English man in this joke, but they’re still at the Rugby World Cup.
A guy was in a bar drinking beer. He would finish his beer, pull out his wallet and look at a picture of his wife, order another beer, take out his wallet, and look at a picture of his wife. He did this several times. Finally, the bartender asks, why after you finish a beer you take out your wallet and look at a picture of your wife.
The guy says, “As soon as she starts looking better to me, I go home.”
A skeleton walks into a bar and says, “Gimme a pint and a mop.”
A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers, and says, “Five beers, please.”
A verb walks into a bar, sees a beautiful noun, and suggests they conjugate. The noun declines.
A guy walks into a bar and starts a drunken conversation with one of the patrons.
“Hey what’re you drinking?” the patron asks.
“Magic beer,” says the guy.
After arguing about it for a few minutes, the guy says, “I’ll prove it to you.”
They go outside and walk to a nearby cliff. The guy chugs his Magic Beer, then jumps off. Miraculously, he floats back up and settles down next to the stunned patron.
The patron runs back to the bar and says to the bartender, “I want what he’s having!” pointing to the guy.
The patron chugs his Magic Beer, runs over to the cliff and plummets to his death.
The guy walks back inside smiling and orders another beer.
The bartender shakes his head and says, “You know, Superman, you can be a real asshole.”
Dirty Bar Jokes
An amnesiac enters a bar. He approaches a lovely blonde and asks, “So, how often do I come here?” This is one of the best dirty bar jokes for your entertainment.
An old man walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender notices the guy’s head is the size of a cue ball.
“I got to ask, sir,” says the bartender. “What happened?”
The old guy sighs and tells him, “My ship was torpedoed by the Germans in WWII. A mermaid rescued me and promised to grant me three wishes. For my first wish, I asked to return to the States. My second wish was to have all the money I would ever need. Finally, my third wish was to have sex with the mermaid.”
“That doesn’t sound too bad,” says the bartender. “Then what happened?”
“Well,” sighs the man, “mermaids can’t have sex, so I asked her if I could just have a little head….”
Two men walk into a bar, one wearing a cowboy hat and the other wearing a baseball cap.
The guy in the baseball cap approaches the bartender and make a bet: “I’ll bet you $1,000 that I can put a shot glass at one end of your bar and piss into it from the other end of the bar without spilling a drop.”
The bartender laughs and says, “You’re crazy, but you’re on.”
The man positions a shot glass on one end, walks to the other end and unzips his fly. He then pisses everywhere — all over the walls, over the bar top, all over the bottles of booze, and all over the bartender. The bartender roars with laughter and tells the man to pay up.
The guy in the baseball cap pays up, laughing and smiling, too.
“What are you smiling at?” asks the bartender. “You just lost $1,000!”
“Well, you see that guy in the cowboy hat over there crying? Before we came in, I bet him $10,000 that I could piss all over your bar, your walls, your liquor AND you, and not only would you not be mad — you would laugh hysterically about it!”
Once upon a time there was a 98-year-old woman whose billionaire husband died. The woman had inherited all of her deceased husband’s fortune and decided she would see if she could remarry herself a fine young man.
So, she walked into a bar and announced to all the men that she had inherited billions of dollars and would marry the guy with the biggest package.
Now of course this woman wasn’t all that in the looks department, as a matter of fact she looked more like a shriveled prune then a human being. But, the guys didn’t care because they knew this old lady would croak soon and they would get all that money.
The woman then told the men to stiff themselves up to full erection and put it up on a long table. They did what she said. All of a sudden, two gay guys walked into the bar, looked at the table and said “Mmmmnnn! A buffet!”
A guy and a dog walk into a bar. The guy is bragging to everyone that his dog can talk.
The bartender calls him over and says, “So your dog can talk, huh?”
The guy says yes.
Then the bartender says, “So, if I gave your dog a dollar he would go out and buy me a newspaper?”
The guy says “yes, gives the dog a dollar and sends him out.”
Three hours later the dog hasn’t come back yet, so the owner and the bartender go looking for him. A block from the bar, they look down an alley and see the dog humping a female dog.
The guy yells, “Wow, I’ve never seen you do that before!”
The dog says, “Well I’ve never had money before.”
A man walks into a bar and orders a double, obviously upset.
“What’s the matter, buddy?” asks the bartender.
“It’s a long story. I met this beautiful woman who invited me back home. We stripped off our clothes and jumped into bed and were just about to make love when her husband came in the front door. So I had to jump out of the bedroom window and hang from the edge by my fingernails without any clothes on!”
“Gee, that’s tough!” commiserated the bartender.
‘Right, but that’s not what really got me aggravated. When her husband came into the room, he wanted to have sex with her — but he had to piss first. And the lazy son of a bitch pissed out the window right onto my head!”
“Yeech! No wonder you’re in a lousy mood.”
“Yeah, but I haven’t told you what really really made me mad. Next, I had to listen to them grunting and groaning and when they finished the husband tossed his condom out the window. And where does it land? On my forehead!”
“Damn, that really is a drag!”
“Oh, I’m not finished! See, what really pissed me off was when the husband had to take a dump. Turns out that their toilet was broken, so he stuck his ass out of the window and let loose right on my head!”
“That would sure mess up my day.”
“Yeah, yeah, yeah, but do you know what REALLY REALLY REALLY pissed me off? When I looked down and saw that my feet were only SIX inches off the ground!”
A guy sees a sign outside a bar that says “Piano Player Wanted,” so he goes in to apply. The bartender, who is desperate for a player, asks the man to play him something. The man sits down and plays some of the most beautiful music the bartender’s ever heard.
“That was amazing” exclaims the bartender. “What was that called?”
“That was something I like to call ‘A Weasel Ate My Genitals.'”
“Oh. You know anything else?” The guy plays another amazingly gorgeous piece. Impressed, the bartender applauds and asks what that one was called.
“It’s called ‘Crap In My Mouth, I Love It.'”
“Okay,” says the bartender. “You can have the job. Just as long as you don’t tell anyone the names of the songs.”
So the guy begins working nights at the bar, playing to full houses every night, and, true to his word, never revealing the titles of the songs.
One night, though, he takes a break to go to the bathroom and forgets to zip up his pants afterwards and his schlong is hanging out. A patron notices and approaches him.
“Do you know your pants are unzipped and your thing is hanging out?”
“Know it, pal?” says the piano player. “I wrote it!”
There are these 3 vampires. The first vampire walks into a bar and says, “Bartender, give me a shot of blood.” The bartender gives him the shot of blood, the vampire drinks it, and leaves.
The second vampire walks into the bar and says, “Bartender, give me a shot of blood.” The bartender gives him the shot of blood, the vampire drinks it, and leaves.
The third vampire walks into a bar and says, “Bartender, give me a shot of water.”
The bartender says, “Why do you want a shot of water?”
The vampire pulls out a used tampon and says, “Tea time.”
This guy walks into a bar and sees a lady sitting by herself. He goes over and buys her and drink and they chat a while and he leaves with her to go to her place. They are in the middle of having a good time when he hears a noise at the door and she says “It’s my husband home for lunch… quick, hide in the closet!” So he does.
He’s standing in the closet when he hears this small voice… “Gee, it’s dark in here”. He looks around trying to find out where it came from when he hears it again… “Gee, it’s dark in here…”
He quickly whispers “Shhhh, who are you?”
The little voice says “That’s my mommy
and daddy out there, gee, it’s dark in here, I’m scared, I’m gonna scream.”
The man whispers back “No, PLEASE don’t scream. I’ll give you five dollars if you don’t scream.”
The little boy answers “Gee, it’s dark in here, I’m pretty scared, I’m gonna scream…”
“I’ll give you ten dollars if you don’t scream.”
“Gee, it’s dark in here, I’m REALLY scared, I’m gonna scream…”
The guy says “Look kid, here’s FIFTY dollars, it’s all I have, don’t scream.”
“Ok.” the kid whispers quietly.
So the guy waits in the closet till he hears the husband finish lunch and as soon as he hears the door close he runs out of the closet and jumps out the window and runs down the street. Later that afternoon, the lady is out shopping with her son at the mall when he sees a bike in the toy store window and says to his mom “Gee, I’d REALLY like that bike.”
“Sorry, I can’t afford to buy you a bike.”
The kid says, “That’s ok, I can buy it myself, I have fifty dollars.”
She pulls him aside and asks him “WHERE did you get fifty dollars?”
“I’ll never tell.”
“You BETTER tell me where you got that money.”
“I’ll never tell.”
“You must have done something bad to get that money. I’m taking you to church and you can tell the priest how you got that money in confession.” So she does.
The little boy is in the confessional and the door closes and he says “Gee, it’s dark in here…”
And the priest answers “Now let’s not start THAT shit again…”
A guy walks into a bar and sits down. He starts dialing numbers like there’s a telephone in his hand, then puts his palm up against his cheek and begins talking. Suspicious, the bartender walks over and tells him this is a very tough neighborhood and he doesn’t need any trouble here.
The guy replies, “You don’t understand. I’m very hi-tech. I had a phone installed in my hand because I was tired of carrying the cellular.” The bartender says “Prove it.” The guy dials up a number and hands his hand to the bartender. The bartender talks into the hand and carries on a conversation.
“That’s incredible!” says the bartender. “I would never have believed it!” “Yeah”, said the guy, “I can keep in touch with my broker, my wife, you name it. By the way, where is the men’s room?” The bartender directs him to the men’s room.
The guy goes in and 5, 10, 20 minutes go by and he doesn’t return. Fearing the worst given the neighborhood, the bartender goes into the men’s room to check on the guy. The guy is spread-eagled up against the wall. His pants are pulled down and he has a roll of toilet paper up his butt.
“Oh my god!” said the bartender. “Did they rob you? Are you hurt?”
The guy turns and says, “No, no, I’m ok. I’m just waiting for a fax.
Having had one too many, a bar drinker was beginning to display an ugly side.
An unescorted female sat down beside him and he whispered to her, “Hey! How about it babe? You and me?”
As she got up to move, he said loudly, “Honey, you sure look like you could use the money, but I don’t have an extra two dollars.”
She looked back and replied just as loudly, “What makes you think I charge by the inch?”
A guy and a girl met at a bar. They’re getting along so well that they decide to go to the girl’s place.
A few drinks later, the guy takes off his shirt and washes his hands. He then takes off his pants and washes his hands.
So the girl looks at him and says, “You must be a dentist!”
The guy all surprised says, “Yes, how did you figure that out?” The girl says, “Easy, you keep washing your hands.”
One thing led to another. They make love. After they were done, the girl says, “Wow, you must be a GREAT dentist!”
The guy was very very surprised, he says, “Yes, I sure am a great dentist. How did you figure that out?” The girl says, “Easy, I didn’t feel a thing!”
The Reverend John Fuzz was pastor of a small congregation in a little Pennsylvania town. One day he was walking down Main Street and he happened to notice a female member of his congregation sitting in the town bar, drinking beer.
The reverend thought this was sinful and not something a member of his congregation should do, so he walked through the open door of the bar and sat down next to the woman. “Mrs. Fitzgerald,” the reverend said sternly. “This is no place for a member of my congregation. Why don’t you let me take you home?”
“Shure,” she said with a slur, obviously very drunk. When Mrs. Fitzgerald stood up from the bar, she began to weave back and forth.
The reverend realized that she had had too much to drink and he grabbed hold of her arms to steady her. When he did, they both lost their balance and tumbled to the floor.
After rolling around for a few seconds, the reverend wound up lying on top of Mrs. Fitzgerald, her skirt hiked up to her waist.
The bartender looked over the bar and said, “Here, here, buddy, we won’t have any of that carrying on in this bar.”
The reverend looked up at the bartender and said, “But you don’t understand, I’m Pastor Fuzz.” The bartender nodded. “Well if you’re that far you may as well finish.”
This guy is sitting in a bar drunk, he asks the bartender where’s the bathroom at? The bartender said, go down the hall & make a right.
Well, all of a sudden, everybody at the bar hears this loud scream and wonders what is going on in the bathroom.
A few minutes go by again and everybody at the bar hears another loud scream that came out of the bathroom again.
This time the bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate what the drunk is screaming about. He opened the door and asked the drunk, “What’s all the screaming about in here? You are scaring all my customers away.”
The drunk said, “I’m sitting on the toilet and every time I go to flush it, something comes up and squeezes the hell out of my balls.”
With that, the bartender opens up the door and looks in and says, “No wonder you dumbass, you’re sitting on a mop bucket!”
A man walks into a bar and orders a beer.
The bartender says, “Hi stranger, my name is Mike. I’ll give you a free beer if you can guess the name of this bar in three tries.”
The man says, “Thanks…Mike’s Place?” “Nope.” “Mike’s Tavern?” “No,” “Mike’s Pub?” “No, but here’s a free beer anyway. Nobody ever gets it. The joint’s name is Sally’s Legs!”
“That’s a good one.” the man says and proceeds to get royally ripped.
The next morning the man is still drunk and sitting on a curb, when a cop pulls up and asks him what he is doing there. He responds, “I’m just waiting for Sally’s Legs to open, so I can wet my whistle!”
A guy goes into a bar and orders a beer, when the bartender brings his beer the Guy pays him and puts an octopus on the bar.
The bartender tells him, “Get that thing out of here.”
The guy says, “No, wait you don’t understand. This is no ordinary octopus. This octopus can play any musical instrument you can think of.
The bartender says, “Bullshit, no octopus can do that.” The Guy says, “No, really I’ll bet you one hundred dollars that you can’t find a musical instrument he can’t play.”
The bartender says, “OK you’re on. Try the piano in the corner.” The guy takes the octopus to the piano and it played like a pro.
The bartender went into the back room and brought out a guitar. The octopus played a song on it. The bartender said, “OK I’m not done yet so he brings out three kinds of horns and a set of drums.” The octopus played them all.
The bartender said, “Alright I have one more instrument to try before I give up.” He goes in the back and comes out with a bagpipe, and sets it in the middle of the floor.
The octopus gets up on all eight legs and walks around it a couple of times then jumps on it. Then he walks around it a couple more times and jumps up and down on it a few more times.
The bartender says, “There I knew I could find one he couldn’t play.”
The guy said, “Now just wait a minute He’ll play it just as soon as he figures out he can’t have sex with it.”
A bear walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a beer. The bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t give beer to bears in bars.”
The bear replies, “If you don’t give me a beer, I’ll eat that lady over there.”
The bartender says, “Go ahead.”
So the bear eats the lady and asks for a beer. The bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t give beer to bears on drugs.”
“What do mean,” asks the bear. “I’m not on drugs.”
“Yes, you are, that was the bar bitch you ate.”
A husband and wife are driving down the interstate when they are pulled over by a state trooper.
The trooper says to the husband, “I clocked you doing 90 in a 55 mph zone.”
“That can’t be” says the husband. “I always obey the speed limit.”
“No you don’t,” says the wife. “You always speed no matter what the speed limit is!”
“Shut up you bitch!” yells the husband to his wife.
The trooper says, “I see you aren’t wearing your seat belt.”
“It must have slipped my mind,” says the husband. “I always wear my seat belt.”
“No you don’t,” says the wife. “You never put your seat belt on!”
“Shut up you bitch!” yells the husband to his wife.
“All right,” says the trooper, “let me see your license and registration.”
The husband fumbles through his pockets and says, “I must have left my license in my other jacket at home.”
“You never carry your license,” says the wife. “It’s on your bureau in the bedroom!”
“Will you shut the hell up you stupid bitch!” yells the husband.
“Step out of the car sir,” says the trooper. And as the husband gets out of the car, the trooper leans in and asks the wife, “Does your husband always talk to you like that ma’am?”
“Oh no,” says the wife. “Only when he’s drunk!”
Two Irishmen are fishing in a boat on a lake.
One Irishman hooks something; he reels it in and gets it in the boat. It is an old rusted lamp. He brushes off the muck and soggy leaves and out pops a genie!
The genie says, “Wow, thanks a lot for saving me! I almost drowned down there. I’ll tell you what, you get one wish – make it a good one – and I’m out of here!”
The Irishman thinks for a minute and says, “I want this whole lake filled with beer, as far as you can see, nothing but beer, no water. Make it Guinness!”
“That’s it?” asks the genie. “You got it!” He snaps his fingers and the whole lake is now filled with Guinness. The genie disappears.
The other Irishman smacks his friend on the head and says “Now what in the hell did you do that for? Now we’ll have to piss in the boat!”
A guy walks into a bar with a monkey. He orders a drink and the monkey starts wandering around and ends up on top of the pool table. The bartender watches as the monkey picks up the eight ball, puts it into his mouth and swallows it.
The bartender is furious. “That eight ball is the owner’s pride and joy! It’s made out of pure ivory and has been in his family for generations!” He kicks the guy and the monkey out of the bar.
Two weeks later, the guy and his monkey return to the bar and the guy gives the bartender the eight ball, all cleaned up as good as new, and he apologizes.
As the guy is talking to the bartender, the monkey picks up a peanut from a bowl, shoves it into his ass, takes it out and eats it.
The bartender sees this and says “Now what the hell is that monkey doing?”
“Oh,” says the guy. “Ever since the eight ball, he just wants to make sure what he’s eating!”
A guy is sitting at the bar with a worried look on his face. The bartender sees him and says “Hey man, are you alright?”
The guy says “I think something’s wrong with me.”
The bartender asks “Well, what’s the problem?”
The guy explains, “Before I go to work, my wife jumps me and we have sex three times. When I get to work, my secretary and I have sex, then at lunch we have sex and then a ‘quickie’ right before I go home. Then when I get home, my wife jumps me again and we have sex before dinner, after dinner and then again before we go to sleep. All this happens every day.”
“So,” asks the bartender, “what’s your problem?”
The guy says, “When I jerk off, I get dizzy.”
A new guy in town walks into a bar and reads a sign that hangs over the bar.
“FREE BEER FOR THE PERSON WHO CAN PASS OUR TEST!”
So the guy asks the bartender what the test is.
The Bartender replies “Well, first you have to drink that whole gallon of pepper tequila, the whole thing at once and you can’t make a face while doing it.”
“Second, there’s a ‘gator out back with a sore tooth…you have to remove it with your bare hands.”
“Third, there’s an 80 year old woman up-stairs who’s never had an orgasm. You gotta make things right for her.”
The guy says, “Well, as much as I would love free beer, I won’t do it. You have to be nuts to drink a gallon of pepper tequila and then get crazier from there.”
Well, as time goes on and the man drinks a few, he asks, “Wherez zat teeqeelah?”
He grabs the gallon of tequila with both hands, and downs it with a big slurp and tears streaming down his face. Next, he staggers out back and soon all the people inside hear the most frightening roaring and thumping, then silence.
The man staggers back into the bar, his shirt ripped and big scratches all over his body.
“Now,” he says “Where’s that old woman with the sore tooth?”
An alien walks into a bar and sits next to a drunk guy and begins poking him in the shoulder.
The drunk guy just ignores him.
After a while the guy turns to the alien and begins looking him up and down.
He notices that the alien has no genitalia.
He then asks “You guys have no genitalia, how do you guy have sex?”
The alien, still poking him in the arm, just smiles!
The Pope goes to visit the Seven Dwarves who are drinking in a bar. As he is finishing his speech on comparative religions, Dopey raises his hand to ask a question.
“Mr. Pope, are there any dwarf nuns in Rome?”.
“No Dopey,” responds the Pontiff, “there are not”.
“Mr. Pope, are there any dwarf nuns anywhere in Italy?”, Dopey questions.
“No Dopey,” chuckles the Pope, “there are no dwarf nuns in Italy.”
“Mr. Pope,” Dopey asks pleadingly, “are there any dwarf nuns anywhere in the world?”
“No Dopey,” the Pope says sadly, “there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world.”
And softly in the background the six remaining dwarves start chanting, “Dopey screwed a penguin, Dopey screwed a penguin.”
A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink, and while he’s drinking, the monkey jumps all over the place, eating everything behind the bar. Then the monkey jumps on to the pool table and swallows a billiard ball.
The bartender screams at the guy, “Your monkey just ate the cue ball off my pool table — whole!”
“Sorry,” replied the guy. “He eats everything in sight, the little bastard. I’ll pay for everything.”
The man finishes his drink, pays and leaves.
Two weeks later, he’s in the bar with his pet monkey, again. He orders a drink, and the monkey starts running around the bar. The monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his ass, pulls it out and eats it.
The bartender is disgusted. “Did you see what your monkey did now?” he asks.
“Yeah,” replies the guy. “He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he swallowed that cue ball, he measures stuff first.”
A guy walks into a bar and sees a sign that reads:
Cheese Sandwich: $1.50 Chicken Sandwich: $2.50 Hand Job: $10.00
He checks his wallet and beckons to the sexy bartender.
“Are you the one who gives the hand jobs?” he asks.
“Yes,” she purrs. “I am.”
“Well, wash your hands dammit,” says the man. “I want a cheese sandwich!”
A Yankee walks into a bar in Alabama and orders a cosmopolitan. The bartender looks at the man and says, “You’re not from ’round here are ya?”
“No” replies the man, “I’m from New Hampshire.” The bartender looks at him and says, “Well what do you do in New Hampshire?”
“I’m a taxidermist,” says the man. The bartender looks bewildered, so the man explains, “I mount dead animals.”
The bartender stands back and hollers to the whole bar, “It’s OK, boys! He’s one of us!”
A guy walks into a bar and says to the barman, “Give me six double vodkas.”
The barman says, “Wow, you must have had one hell of a day.”
“Yeah, I just found out my oldest son is gay.”
The next day, the same guy comes into the bar and asks for six more double vodkas. When the bartender asks what’s wrong, the man says, “I just found out that my youngest son is gay, too!”
On the third day, the guy comes into the bar and orders another six double vodkas. The bartender says, “Jesus! Doesn’t anybody in your family like women?”
The man downs the first drink and shakes his head, “Yeah, my wife!”
A panda walks into a bar. He asks the bartender how he can get a little action for the night. The bartender motions to a young woman. She talks to the panda, and they go back to her place. After having sex, the panda abruptly leaves.
The next night, the woman goes to the panda’s house. “You owe me money,” she says.
“For what?”
The woman rolls her eyes and explains, “I’m a prostitute.”
The panda pulls out a dictionary and looks it up: “Prostitute: Has sex for money.”
The panda says, “I don’t have to pay you. I’m a panda — look it up.” She is about to protest when the bear hands her the dictionary.
The woman looks up “panda” in the dictionary. It says, “Panda: Eats bush and leaves.”
A new guy in town walks into a bar and notices a large jar filled to the brim with $10 bills. The man approaches the bartender and asks, “What’s up with the jar?”
“Well, you pay $10, and if you pass three tests, then you get all the money.”
“What are the three tests?” asks the man
“Gotta pay first.”
So the guy gives him the $10 bucks, and the bartender adds it to the jar.
“OK, here’s what you have to do. First, you have to drink that whole bottle of pepper tequila — the WHOLE thing at once — and you can’t make a face while doing it. Second, there’s a pit bull chained up out back with a sore tooth. You have to remove the tooth with your bare hands. Third, there is a 90-year-old woman upstairs who’s never had an orgasm in her life. You gotta make things right for her.”
“Well, I know I’ve paid my $10 bucks,” says the man, “but I’m not an idiot. No wonder you’ve collected so much money — that’s impossible!”
The new guy proceeds to drink several whiskeys, and eventually, he gets up his nerve.
“Wherez zat teeqeelah?” he slurs.
He grabs the bottle of pepper tequila with both hands and downs it, gulp by gulp. Tears are streaming down his cheeks, but he doesn’t make a face. Next, he staggers out back. Everyone in the bar hears a huge scuffle outside — barking, yelping and growling, then silence.
Just when they think the man must be dead, he staggers back into the bar with his shirt ripped and gashes across his body.
“NOW,” he says, “wherez at ol’ lady with the sore tooth?”
A guy walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He puts the alligator up on the bar and turns to the astonished patrons.
“I’ll make you a deal. I’ll open this alligator’s mouth and place my genitals inside. Then the gator will close his mouth for one minute. He’ll then open his mouth, and I’ll remove my unit unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink.”
The crowd murmurs their approval. The man stands up on the bar, drops his trousers, and places his privates in the alligator’s open mouth. The gator closes his mouth as the crowd gasps. After a minute, the man grabs a beer bottle and raps the alligator hard on the top its head. The gator opens his mouth, and the man removes his genitals, unscathed, as promised. The crowd cheers, and he receives the first of his free drinks.
The man stands up again and makes another offer: “I’ll pay anyone $100 who’s willing to give it a try.”
A hush falls over the crowd. A moment later, a hand goes up in the back of the bar.
“I’ll try,” says a small woman, “but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle.”
Three men walk into a bar. The barman tells them, “If you can sit in my basement for a day, I’ll give you free beer forever.”
The first man walks out after five minutes and says, “It’s impossible, you got a swarm of flies in there.”
So the second man tries his luck, but can’t take more than an hour.
Finally, the third man goes down. When he returns a day later, the others ask him how he did it.
He says, “Easy! I took a dump in one corner and sat in the other corner!”
A young guy walks into a bar. An old drunk sits with a shoe box on the stool next to him.
The guy asks, “What’s in the box?”
The older guy says matter-of-factly, “A South American Blow Job Toad.”
The young guy looks around. “Can I try it?”
The older guy nods. The young guy goes to the men’s room and returns 20 minutes later.
“That was amazing,” he says, “You’ve got to sell it to me.”
The old drunk concedes to sell the toad for a hefty sum. The happy young man struts home and meets his wife at the door.
“Where the hell have you been? What’s in the box?” she demands.
“South American Blow Job Toad.”
“So?” asks the wife.
“So, teach it to cook and then get the hell out.”
A farmer walks into a bar with a horse. He says, “I will give any of you $1,000 if you can make my horse laugh.”
A man yells, “I’ll take that bet,” and leads the horse into the men’s room.
After a couple seconds, a loud braying laugh is heard from behind the door. The farmer screams to the man, “OK, I’ll give you $2,000 if you can make my horse cry.”
The man shouts, “You’re on!”
After a few more seconds, the man exits with the horse trudging behind him with tears streaming down his long-snout. Flabbergasted, the farmer asks, “How did you do it?”
The man replies, “I said that my johnson was bigger than his and he laughed…then I showed it to him.”
A guy walks into a bar and orders six shooters. The bartender says, “Looks like you are having a bad day.”
The guy says, “Am I ever! I woke up late for work. On my way to work, I got in an accident. When I got to work, I was four hours late, so the boss fired me. To top it off, I came home to my wife screwing my best friend.”
The bartender says, “What did you say to your wife?”
The guy says, “I told her to get out, and I never want to see her again.”
The bartender says, “What did you say to your best friend?”
The guy says, “BAD DOG!”
A drunk walks into a bar, orders a shot and and immediately pukes all over his own shirt. “Wha’ my gonna do now? My wifez gonna kill me.”
“Relax,” the bartender says, “give me a five-dollar bill.” The bartender folds up the bill and puts it in the guy’s shirt pocket. “Tell your wife some drunk puked on you and gave you five bucks to have your shirt cleaned.”
“Thass a great idea!”
When the drunk gets home his wife answers the door. “Where have you been? What happened to your shirt?”
He tries to put on a sober voice and says, “Relaaax honey, some drunk guy puked on me and gave me five bucks to have my shirt cleaned.”
The drunk’s wife reaches in his pocket, grabs the money, and says, “There’s $10 in here!”
“Oh yeah, he pissed my pants, too.”
A good looking woman walks into a bar wearing a tube top. She raises her hand to signal the bartender for a beer, revealing that she does not shave her armpits.
Meanwhile, a sloppy drunk on the other side of the bar signals the bartender, “Buy that ballerina over there a drink on me.”
The bartender replies, “What makes you think she’s a ballerina?”
“Because,” answers the drunken man, “any chick that can lift her leg that high has GOT to be a ballerina.”
A guy walks into a bar and announces that he can close his eyes and name what kind of alcohol he is drinking and how old it is, just by taste and smell.
A drunken guy at the bar says, “I bet I can give you a drink that you can’t name.”
“You’re on,” replies the guy, “as long as you pay.”
So the drunken guy puts a drink on the table. The guy sips it, gags and spits it out. “This tastes like piss!”
“Yeah,” says the drunken guy, “now guess how old I am.”
Bar Jokes for Adults
It’s early in the morning and the guy is strolling down the street when he notices a lady fishing from the puddle on the pavement. His thoughts turn to the woman’s poverty, and out of the goodness of his heart, invites her in for a beer.” So how many fish have you caught today?” he inquires after he’s paid for their round. “You’re the eighth,” she says with a smile and a sip from her drink. This is one of the best bar jokes for adults. We also got some more for you here!
Helium walks into a bar, and the bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t serve Noble Gases here.”
He doesn’t react.
Two chemists walk into a bar.
The first chemist says, “I’ll have a glass of H20.” The second chemist says, “I’ll take a water too.” The first chemist breaks down in tears. His assassination attempt failed.
George R.R. Martin, Joss Whedon, and Steven Moffat walk into a bar, and everyone you’ve ever loved dies.
A guy walks into a bar owned by Eminem.
He tells the bartender, “Give me two shots of…”
The bartender cuts him off saying, “You only get one shot.”
A hyphenated word and a non-hyphenated word walk into a bar and the bartender nearly chokes on the irony.
A guy walks into a wedding reception.
He goes up to the bartender and asks, “Is this the punch line?”
A man walks into a bar and orders a drink.
A minute later he hears, “You look great. Have you lost weight?”
He looks around, but there’s no one near.
Again, a minute later, he hears, “You know, you don’t look a day over 30.”
Looks around again, no one but him and the bartender, so he asks, “Did you hear that?”
The bartender says, “It’s the peanuts. They’re complimentary.”
A Roman walks into a bar and says, “One martinus please.”
The bartender replies, “Don’t you mean martini?”
The Roman says, “If I wanted more than one, I would have asked.”
A guy walks into a bar, grabs a seat, and orders a whiskey double, neat.
The bartender prepares his drink with great delicacy and brings it right over. The gentleman reaches into his blazer, searching frantically. This catches the bartender’s attention, so he monitors the patron out of the corner of his eye. Finally, the man finds what he’s looking for and sighs a sigh of relief. He pulls out a straw and takes a sip of his whiskey.
The perplexed bartender grabs his attention, “I’m terribly sorry sir, was your glass dirty?”
To which the man replies surprised, “Oh no no everything’s fine! I just promised my wife I’d never put my lips on another glass of whiskey again.”
A snake slithers into a bar and asks for a beer.
The bartender replies, “Sorry, we don’t serve your kind here.”
“Why not?” asks the snake. “You can’t hold your liquor.”
Two conspiracy theorists walk into a bar.
You can’t tell me that was just a coincidence, man.
An Oxford comma walks into a bar where it spends the evening watching the television getting drunk, and smoking cigars.
An Irish man walked out of a bar.
Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar.
One says, “I’ve lost my electron.”
The other says, “Are you sure?”
The first replies, “Yes, I’m positive.”
A blind man walks into a bar, grabs his dog by its hind legs, and swings him around in a circle.
The bartender says, “Hey buddy, what are you doing?”
And the blind man says, “Don’t mind me, I’m just looking around.”
Walks into a Bar Jokes
When a horse enters a bar restaurant, the bartender asks him what he would like. The horse does not respond since, being a horse, it cannot comprehend or speak English. Several patrons leave the tavern in response to the presence of a live animal. This fits best into the genre of walks into a bar jokes.
A guy walks into a bar and asks for 10 shots of the establishment’s finest single malt scotch. The bartender sets him up, and the guy takes the first shot in the row and pours it on the floor. He then takes the last shot in the row and does the same.
The bartender asks, “Why did you do that?”
And the guy replies, “Well the first shot always tastes like crap, and the last one always makes me sick!”
Three vampires walk into a bar. The first one says, “I’ll have a pint of blood.”
The second one says, “I’ll have one, too.”
The third one says, “I’ll have a pint of plasma.”
The bartender says, “So, that’ll be two Bloods and a Blood Lite?”
A guy walks into a bar after a long day at work and orders a drink. As he sits there, mulling over his day, he hears a high-pitched voice say, “That shirt looks great on you!”
The man looks around, doesn’t see anything, and returns to his drink thinking nothing more of it. But then, a moment later, the voice returns, this time offering, “You seem like a really cool guy!”
Again, the man looks around, sees nothing, and returns to his drink, wondering if he should get checked out by a professional. Finally, when his nerves have cooled and he believes the voice is gone, he hears, “I bet your parents are really proud of you!”
He slams down his drink and looks around wildly. Frustrated and finding no possible source of the voice, he calls over the bartender. He says, “Hey barkeep! What’s that voice I keep hearing?”
“Oh, those are the peanuts,” the bartender replies. “They’re complimentary.”
A neutron walks into a bar and orders a drink.
When the neutron gets his drink, he asks, “Bartender, how much do I owe you?”
The bartender replies, “For you, neutron, no charge.”
A man walks into a bar and sees his friend sitting beside a 12-inch pianist. He says to his friend, “That’s amazing. Where did he come from?”
The friend pulls out an old lamp and tells him the genie inside will grant him one wish. The man rubs the bottle, and to his amazement, a puff of purple smoke spews out and slowly collects in the form of a genie. In a booming voice the genie tells the man he has but one wish.
The man thinks and says, “I wish I had a million bucks.” All of a sudden the bar is filled with ducks, bursting from the door and the windows, standing on top of the bar, dunking their heads into people’s drinks.
“What just happened?!” the guy asks.
His friend replies, “I know. Did you really think I wanted a 12-inch pianist?”
E-flat walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t serve minors.”
Julius Caesar walks into a bar and says, “I’ll have a Martinus.”
The bartender gives him a puzzled look and asks, “Don’t you mean a Martini?”
“Look,” Caesar replies, “If I wanted a double, I’d have asked for it!”
A guy walks into a bar and is shocked to see a horse tending bar.
As the horse finishes preparing an excellent Horse’s Neck, he turns to the awestruck patron and demands, “Hey buddy, what’s the matter? You can’t believe that a horse can tend bar?”
“No,” the guys says. “I can’t believe the ferret sold the place.”
A horse walks into a bar, and the bartender asks what he’d like. The horse doesn’t reply because it’s a horse and obviously can’t speak or understand English. Several people get up and leave, sensing the danger in having a live animal in a bar.
A mushroom walks into a bar and orders a drink, but the bartender yells at him to get out before he stinks up the place.
The mushroom looks taken aback and says, “Why? I’m a fun guy.”
Two friends are walking their dogs together. One has a big black lab, while the other has a minuscule chihuahua.
They pass a bar and the lab owner says, “Let’s get a beer.”
The chihuahua walker complains, “That would be great, but we can’t take our dogs in there.” The first responds,
“Watch me.” The lab owner strolls in with her dog and orders a beer. The bartender tells her, “Sorry, you can’t bring your dog in here.”
“He’s my seeing eye dog,” the woman replies feigning offense. The bartender quickly apologizes and serves her the beer.
The other woman follows, her chihuahua in tow, and orders a beer as well. Again the bartender says there are no dogs allowed in the bar.
“He’s my seeing eye dog,” the woman replies.
“Yeah, right,” the bartender says, “A chihuahua? Give me a break.”
Without missing a beat, the woman replies, “They gave me a chihuahua?!”
A guy walks into a bar and orders 12 shots. Before the bartender even returns with the check, the man has slammed back half of them and shows no signs of slowing down.
As the guy finishes his final shot, the bartender asks, “Why are you drinking so fast?”
The guy wipes his mouth and replies, “You would be drinking fast, too, if you had what I had.
The bartender asks, “What do you have?”
The guy says, “75 cents,” and runs out the door.
A sandwich walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t serve food here.”
A young man is passing by a bar when he sees an old woman fishing with a stick and a string in a puddle by the sidewalk.
“She must be a poor old fool,” he thinks to himself, and out of the kindness of his heart, he invites the woman in for a drink.
After he’s paid for their round and the two are sitting quietly, he asks her, “So how many have you caught today?”
The old woman grins, takes a big sip of her drink, and replies, “You’re the eighth.”
Come Again?
A bartender says, “We don’t serve time travelers in here.”
A time traveler walks into a bar.
A three-legged dog walks into a saloon, his spurs clinking as he walks, his six-shooter slapping at his furry hip.
He bellies up to the bar, stares down the bartender, and proclaims, “I’m looking for the man who shot my paw.”
A rabbi, a priest, and a Lutheran minister walk into a bar.
The bartender looks up and says, “Is this some kind of joke?”
Final Thoughts on Bar Jokes
Bar jokes are excellent for entertaining guests or breaking the ice. They are available in a wide variety of forms, which enables them to serve as excellent jokes for every occasion. People are certain to start laughing very immediately after hearing a joke that is delivered properly.
When selecting bar jokes, make sure to choose one that is appropriate for the people in the room. Be sure that you are familiar with their hobbies and interests and use jokes that you know will get them laughing.
When it comes to cracking jokes, the context is just as crucial as the punch line, so be sure you don’t crack a joke about lawyers when you’re in the midst of a courtroom!
Last but not least, jokes are supposed to be amusing, therefore you should ensure that you are fascinated and that you are having fun while telling them. So, try making bar jokes with your loved ones for entertainment.
