181 Hilarious Alcohol Jokes That’ll Make You Laugh Hard

Step into a world of laughter and see the collection of alcohol jokes.

As Oscar Wilde once said, “I can resist everything except temptation,” and it seems that the temptation to share a good laugh about alcohol is irresistible for many.

Experts from the renowned Humor Research Lab at the University of Zurich suggest that humor has the power to uplift moods and forge social connections.

Our curated selection of jokes about alcohol promises to keep it joyous.

Get ready to raise a glass and indulge in some humor!

Best Alcohol Jokes

We present the best alcohol jokes! These jokes about alcohol are sure to lighten the mood. So grab a drink and get ready for a hilarious ride!

Why don’t scientists trust atoms?
Because they make up everything, especially alcohol!

Why did the grape stop in the middle of the road?
It ran out of juice!

I tried to make a belt out of watches, but it was a waste of time.
So instead, I made a flask out of a clock. It’s about time I have a drink!

Alcohol doesn’t solve any problems, but then again, neither does milk.

I told my wife I was going to make a bicycle out of whiskey.
She said, “You’re drunk!” I replied, “I’m sober enough to ride a bike, but I’m still working on the whiskey part.”

Why did the beer go to therapy?
It had too many issues to bottle up.

A man walks into a bar and orders a double entendre.
The bartender gives it to him.

I’m not an alcoholic.
I’m a “wine-enthusiast”!

Why did the vodka go to the barbershop?
It wanted a little “spirit” lift.

I don’t have a drinking problem.
I’m really good at it!

A sandwich walks into a bar.
The bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t serve food here.”

Why did the lemon refuse to play cards with the oranges?
It was afraid they would “squeeze” it!

I was going to tell you a joke about alcohol, but I decided to “whiskey” away.

A guy walks into a bar and orders a drink.
The bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t serve time travelers here.” The guy replies, “That’s okay, I’m just here for one quick beer.”

I told my wife I’m going to open a bar.
She said, “Are you out of your mind?” I replied, “No, I’m out of my beer. That’s why I need a bar!”

What did one martini glass say to the other?
You’re stem-tacular!

I never make the same mistake twice.
I make it five or six times, just to be sure.

A grasshopper hops into a bar.
The bartender says, “Hey, we have a drink named after you!” The grasshopper says, “You have a drink
named Steve?”

I ordered a whiskey and a soda.
The bartender said, “You want them separately?” I said, “No, together. I’m driving.”

I don’t always drink, but when I do, it’s a class act.
I hold up my pinky finger when sipping from the bottle.

What do you call a bear that doesn’t take any nonsense?
A “sobear”!

Funny Alcohol Jokes

Prepare for a barrel of laughs with our collection of funny alcohol jokes! Cheers to laughter and good times! Have fun!

Why don’t oyster’s donate to charity?
Because they are shellfish!

I told my wife I wanted to be cremated.
She said, “I’m sorry, I thought you said ‘cremated’!”

Why did the beer go to college?
To get a little “higher” education!

I bought some shoes from a drug dealer.
I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day!

I’m on a whiskey diet.
I’ve lost three days already!

Why did the scarecrow win an award?
Because he was outstanding in his field—especially after a few drinks!

Why don’t eggs tell jokes?
They might crack up!

What’s a bartender’s favorite kind of music?
Mocktails!

What’s the difference between a drunk and a bartender?
A bartender can still function properly!

Why don’t fish like alcohol?
Because it can make them “drink” too much!

I only drink on days that start with “T.” Tuesday, Thursday, today, and tomorrow!

What do you get when you cross a snowman and a vampire?
Frostbite!

Why did the tomato turn red?
Because it saw the salad dressing!

How do you turn a pirate furious?
Take away the “p”!

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary?
A thesaurus!

I used to play piano by ear, but now I use my hands.

Why don’t skeletons fight each other?
They don’t have the guts!

What do you call a belt with a watch on it?
A waist of time!

Why was the math book sad?
Because it had too many problems!

How do you organize a space party?
You “planet”!

Why did the golfer bring two pairs of pants?
In case he got a hole in one!

Hilarious Alcohol Jokes

Get ready to burst into laughter with funny alcohol jokes. They are perfect for lifting your spirits. You will have you rolling with laughter!

What do you call a bear without any teeth?
A “gummy” bear!

What did one hat say to the other hat?
You stay here; I’ll go on ahead!

What did the zero say to the eight?
“Nice belt!”

How do you catch a squirrel?
Climb a tree and act like a nut!

Why don’t some couples go to the gym?
Because some relationships don’t work out!

I asked the librarian if they had any books on paranoia.
She whispered, “They’re right behind you!”

What do alcoholics and chemists have in common?
They both view alcohol as a solution.

I’m not an alcoholic, I only drink on days that start with the letter T.
Tuesday, Thursday, Today and Tomorrow.

Alcohol is a perfect solvent.
It dissolves marriages, families and careers.

“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take”…
Is terrible advice for a recovering alcoholic.

It costs over $235,000 for parents to raise a child today.
And that’s just for the alcohol.

The best thing about alcohol hand gel in hospitals isn’t the hygiene.
It’s that everyone walks around like they’re hatching a dastardly plan.

When the Hulk goes into an uncontrollable fit of rage he’s “incredible”.
When I do it, I’m an “alcoholic”.

Scientists got together to study the effects of alcohol on a person’s walk.
The result was staggering.

When I drink alcohol, everyone says I’m an alcoholic.
But when I drink Fanta, no one says I’m fantastic.

I read an article saying that you might be an alcoholic if you drink every day.
Thank god I only drink every night.

I tried to open a bar inside a cave but the police stopped me.
They said it was illegal to sell alcohol to minors.

Who was King Arthur’s alcoholic knight?
Sir Ohsis of the Liver.

What do lawyers and recovering alcoholics have in common?
Successfully passing the Bar.

Alcohol Jokes One Liners

For those seeking quick bursts of laughter, we present our collection of alcohol jokes one-liners. Enjoy humor and enlighten your mood in any social setting.

Alcohol and calculus don’t mix, so don’t drink and derive.

I’m not an alcoholic; I’m a professional drinker.

I don’t have a drinking problem; I have a thirst-quenching solution.

I started a whiskey diet. I’ve lost three days already.

I only drink on two occasions: when it’s my birthday and when it’s not.

I thought about quitting drinking, but then I decided to have another beer and think it over.

My doctor told me to watch my drinking, so I’m off to find a bar with a mirror.

My favorite exercise is a mix between a lunge and a crunch. I call it “lunch.”

The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don’t want, drink what you don’t like, and do what you’d rather not.

I’m not an alcoholic; I’m a “wine enthusiast.”

I’m not a heavy drinker. I’m just thirsty a lot.

I’m not an alcoholic; I’m a “distilled spirits connoisseur.”

I like my whiskey like I like my math: on the rocks.

The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind.

I don’t need a drink to relax; my personality is just this awesome naturally.

Alcohol: because no great story ever started with someone eating a salad.

I’m not an alcoholic; I’m a “professional appreciator of fine beverages.”

Alcohol may be a slow poison, but who’s in a hurry?

I’m not a heavy drinker; I’m just “gravity challenged.”

Clean Alcohol Jokes

Looking for humor that’s safe for all audiences? Look no further! These jokes are suitable for sharing with friends, family, and coworkers.

I told my wife I was going to make a whiskey belt.
She said, “You’re drunk!” I replied, “No, I’m just trying to keep my spirits up!”

Why did the wine go to therapy?
It had too many “bottle”-ed up emotions.

I don’t always drink, but when I do, I prefer to be with friends so they can carry me home.

Why did the coffee file a police report?
It got mugged!

Why did the beer go to the party alone?
It didn’t want to be spotted with a “light” beer.

What did the grape say after the elephant stepped on it?
Nothing. It just let out a little wine.

I don’t drink alcohol anymore; I drink my calories in the form of cake and ice cream.

What did the bartender say to the rum?
You’re my best matey!

I don’t need a drink to relax; my personality is just naturally this awesome.

What’s a pirate’s favorite letter?
Arrr… It’s the sea!

I don’t drink alcohol; I just listen to it for the comforting “pop” sound.

My doctor told me to watch my drinking, so now I drink in front of a mirror.

Dirty Alcohol Jokes

The following jokes contain adult themes. Brace yourself for a mix of bold and naughty jokes! Enjoy every second of your time here!

To all the teachers who said I would be nothing but a construction worker and an alcoholic
Fuck you that just was a lucky guess.

What do a dyslexic alcoholic and a sex addict have in common?
They both love going to the bra.

If you only had one beer, you’re not an alcoholic. If you make one song on SoundCloud, you’re not a rapper.
But I have sex with one guy and now I’m gay?

Do Alcoholics run in your family?
No, but they stumble around the break shit.
Before they drink they are pensive, but when they are drunk and break shit they are ex-pensive

Brewing company Hart Dickins is catering to its female customer base with a new alcoholic apple cider.
After all, what woman wouldn’t want a Hart Dickins cider?

An alcoholic, a farmer, and a prostitute are on death row
When it was time for their last meal, the alcoholic chose beer. The farmer chose fresh milk. The prostitute got a last minute pardon.

Why does Corona go through your system so fast? A: Because it does not have to stop to change color.

What’s the difference between a prostitute and a bottle of wine?
The older a bottle of wine is, the more you have to pay for it

What do blondes and bottle of Corona have in common?
They’re both empty from the neck up!

How do you find a man in a bar who is sensitive, caring and good looking?
He’s nursing a Mike’s Hard Lemonade and is acting super super gay!

What did the drunk women said to the man after leaving the bar?
Alcohol-you later

How do you know a man is really really gay?
When he’s nursing a Bacardi Breezer!

My girlfriend is a wine connoisseur.
If it’s not one thing she’s whining about, it’s something else.

Why did Mexicans create tequila?
So ugly people would have a chance at having sex!

How can you find the guy who drank a case of Coors Light?
He’s the one dancing like an asshole!

How many men does it take to open a Budweiser bottle?
None the lady should already have it open on the table!

Alcohol Jokes for Adults

Raise a glass to our collection of alcohol jokes for adults! These jokes are designed for a mature audience and they add a playful twist to your conversations.

Why don’t scientists trust atoms?
Because they make up everything, including lies about how much you’ve had to drink!

Alcohol may not be the answer, but it helps you forget the question.

I only drink to make other people more interesting.

I’m not addicted to alcohol; I’m addicted to not being sober.

I don’t drink alcohol; I drink liquids with character.

I used to think drinking was bad for me, so I gave up thinking.

I’m not drunk; I’m just chemically off-balanced.

Alcohol may not be the answer, but it’s worth a shot.

I’m not drunk; I’m just intoxicated by your presence.

My doctor says I should watch my drinking.
So now I drink in front of a mirror.

Dear alcohol, we had a deal where you would make me funnier, smarter, and a better dancer… I saw the video… we need to talk.

Hey bartender, I need a beer.
I’ve got way too much blood in my alcohol system.

Me: “I love you.”
You: “Is that you or the wine talking?”
Me: “It’s me talking to the wine.”

How do you know if someone likes craft beer?
Don’t worry they’ll tell you.

I’m giving up drinking until Christmas!
Sorry, bad punctuation.
I’m giving up, drinking until Christmas!

An epidemiologist, a scientist and a doctor walk into a bar…
Just kidding, they know better.

I just read an article about the dangers of drinking that scared the crap out of me.
That’s it. No more reading!

Alcohol Jokes during Lockdown

When times get tough, laughter becomes even more essential. Our alcohol jokes during lockdown will help brighten your day during these challenging times.

Quarantine has me feeling like I’m in a long-distance relationship with my favorite bar.

My house has become a bar during lockdown.
The liquor cabinet is now my go-to destination.

I’ve started taking “wine o’clock” very seriously during lockdown.
It’s the highlight of my day.

Lockdown made me realize I need to stock up on alcohol just as much as toilet paper.

I’m officially on the “Quarantini” diet. It’s a cocktail in each hand.

In lockdown, I’ve become an expert mixologist.
My kitchen is now my personal bar.

They say laughter is the best medicine, but have they tried a good bottle of wine during lockdown?

Quarantine has turned me into a wine connoisseur.
I can now tell the difference between “good” and “great” wine… by how fast it disappears.

My workout routine during lockdown consists of lifting wine bottles and doing a lot of cheers-ing.

I miss social distancing like I miss the taste of a margarita in a crowded bar.

Lockdown has made me realize just how much I appreciate happy hour.

I’ve become quite the bartender during lockdown.
My signature drink is called the “Stay-at-Home Sipper.”

My mask and hand sanitizer have become essential accessories, just like my favorite bottle of gin.

I’ve developed a new skill during lockdown: opening a bottle of wine with one hand.

Social distancing might keep us apart, but a virtual happy hour keeps the spirits high.

Lockdown has taught me the importance of having a well-stocked bar at home.
It’s my happy place now.

Is it still considered day drinking if you never change out of your pajamas during lockdown?

I’m not drinking alone; I’m socially distancing with my favorite bottle of wine.

They say time flies when you’re having fun. Well, it also flies when you’re enjoying a good bottle of whiskey during lockdown.

Lockdown has turned me into a “stay-at-home sommelier.”

Zoom meetings would be a lot more fun if they had a built-in cocktail hour.

I’m practicing my mixology skills during lockdown. I call it “quarantini therapy.”

Forget Netflix and chill; it’s all about wine and unwind during lockdown.

If there’s one thing I’ve learned during lockdown, it’s that alcohol is an essential item.

I miss going out to bars so much, I’ve started giving myself a cover charge to enter my kitchen.

My new hobby during lockdown: cocktail experiments.
Some are a success, and some are a “pour” decision.

Quarantine has turned my living room into a nightclub.
I’m the DJ, bartender, and the only person on the dance floor.

In lockdown, I’ve realized I’m not an alcoholic; I’m just a committed supporter of local breweries and wineries.

I’m putting the “cock” in “quarantine cocktail hour” during lockdown.

They say time heals all wounds, but a glass of wine during lockdown helps too.

Alcohol Jokes and Puns

Get ready to taste the flavor of laughter as we spill a beautiful mix of puns and jokes that will have you toasting to the joy of comedy.

I used to be a bartender, but I had to quit.
It was just getting too “whiskey business.”

I tried to make a belt out of watches, but it was a waist of time.
I guess I’ll stick to drinking.

I just got a job at the local brewery.
I’m hoping it’ll be a beer-illiant experience!

I asked the bartender for a glass of water, but he said they only serve alcohol.
I guess it’s a “on the rocks” kind of place.

I told my wife I wanted to open a whiskey distillery.
She said, “You’re on a roll!” I replied, “No, I’m on a bourbon.”

I had an apple pie last night that was 3.14% alcohol.
It was delicious, but it gave me a little pi-eye!

Why did the beer go to art school?
It wanted to be a “draughtsman”!

What do you call a drunk who works at an upholstery shop?
A “recovering” alcoholic!

I thought about opening a bar on the moon.
The lack of atmosphere would give the drinks a real kick!

Why did the alcoholic become an archaeologist?
He was always searching for ancient spirits!

I went to a cocktail party dressed as a ghost.
Everyone said I looked “booze-tiful”!

What’s an astronaut’s favorite drink?
Gravi-tea!

I told my friends I was thinking about starting a bar for musicians.
They said it would be a “sound investment”!

What do you get if you cross a kangaroo with a sheep?
A “woolly jumper” with a hoppy kick!

I tried making a joke about alcohol, but all the good ones have already been “spirited” away!

I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.
Instead, I caught a cold beer.

What do you call a monkey who loves alcohol?
A “drunk-en monkey”!

Why did the wine go to the gym?
It wanted to get “bottle”-d up!

I used to be a wine enthusiast, but now I’m more of a “wine-by-wine” kind of person.

Why did the beer file a police report?
It got “mugged”!

What do you call a cat who drinks too much alcohol?
A “litter-ine”!

I asked the bartender if they had any Wi-Fi. He said, “We do, but it’s only for paying customers.”
So I ordered another round. Now I have a “high-fi”!

What do you call a dinosaur that drinks alcohol?
A “lush”-asaurus!

I went to a party last night and won the beer-drinking contest.
I’m not sure if it’s a skill or a talent, but it definitely came in handy.

Why did the alcoholic take a boat to work?
It was the only way they could stay “a-float”!